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Oh Hello There ME!! Where have you been all this time?

What age did you all start to have a mind of your own? Hmm prehaps I better explain a bit more so you know what track I’m heading down.

When I left my ex it still took a few years for me to develop my own taste in things e.g. music, TV programs even down to realizing that I didn’t enjoy hunting like I thought I did. There was so much that I was doing that it turned out I didn’t really like at all. I would be doing things to please him and also things that he liked so that we could spend happy time together. Also he would have control of the stereo and the TV and I never questioned that. You might think that was quite pathetic but remember I left home and moved in with him at 16 years of age. I was leaving a home that I was not happy in and he was my knight and shining armor who came in and swept me off my feet and got me out of there to a safe place. I thought it was safe but as the years went on it sadly wasn’t but that is a different post.

Another example oh starting to have my own mind was to my parents but I have always been under the influence of them. Like I said above I left at 16 years of age but in that 16 years and being raised by them of cause you are raised with their morals and standards but even that I broke away from. I went against the family and as well as going out with a man of a different race I moved in with him as well and that was a lot for my family to take. Again, another story for another day. But even lately with my parents I can see the way I think and even that some of what I have been taught while being raised is wrong. I really don’t want you all thinking my parents are horrible people so trust me when I say they have done a lot for me and do have a lot of goodness about them as well. Lately I have started to notice just how racist my father is and his views and feelings on this are very strong. Goodness knows what his up bringing was like to be like this. But from my upbringing I can see now that I considered us more superior than some other races. Now I can see what absolute crap, there are amazing people in all races, there are crap people in all races. I can see that it’s not the race or color that determine these things in people.

I have friends that are living in a different financial range than myself and I have felt uncomfortable like I don’t belong or fit into their circle. You know what I can see now that is my parents thinking coming through. My Dad is a shocker and I can’t even really talk to him about my richer friends because he makes sarcastic comments about their life styles and how they “waste their money and show it off” which just isn’t true. They are used to living the way they are and shit why not they have worked hard for what they have. I do notice the wealth but I don’t care about that I care about their hearts and them as a person. If they were wealthy arseholes then I wouldn’t want to be their friend but same goes for people with no money, if your nice, your nice end of.

To wind this up I guess I am excited to develop and find ME and to think MY thoughts and to have my own morals and reasons for doing what I do. It’s also nice to find what I LIKE and what I LOVE. It’s nice to try things and do things which would of not been considered before because I was raised that people like I don’t do that or waste money on that. Not quite sure if I’m making sense anymore.

Living life sober, raw and real has let me start getting to know MYSELF on a much deeper level and it’s awesome. There was me who I was raised to be, there was me who I thought I needed to be and now there is me who still has bits left over from her but there is so much more that is ME and not anyone else anymore.

Exercise Day 9 – I have to stop and think if the past two days count, I went Skydiving for the first time yesterday and was so sick with motion sickness that I wasn’t capable of jumping on the x-trainer. Does jumping from a perfectly good plane at 16,000 feet and dropping towards the ground at over 200kph count? I am counting it because the adrenaline rush lasted for so long I’m sure it must. Today I walked the dogs twice along with heaps of housework that I didn’t finish until dinner time but with all of this I have done over 12,000 steps which equals over 8k’s once again I think that counts. Neither have been spending my day as a couch potato.

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Consequence Of Not Going Through With Suicide

It’s amazing how things come to me in my mind now as I remember my thinking and just how crazy my mind was back when I was drinking. I seriously look back now and am stunned to think that I actually thought I was fine. Functioning Guzzler is really what I thought I was, I didn’t think I was an alcoholic but rather a binge drinker. How the fuck could anyone think that while putting away on average 6-8 stubbies a night. Anyway there is so much more than just the feelings and emotions I have blocked and numbed including the mind games my own mind was playing on me. I have mentioned before that I am in financial shit as I got so desperate to force myself to stop drinking I spent all my money and then clocked up loans and credit card debt. Now here comes the kicker that came to me like a bolt the other day.

I had no intention of ever paying all that debt back! I was drinking like there was no tomorrow because frankly at some stage I planned to make sure that there was no tomorrow for me. I was running a marathon and trying to get away from my pain, sorrow, sadness, loneliness and anger I was numbing it and slowly that numbing wasn’t numbing it enough. Also I was tired, I was so fucken tired from running from my feelings, from drinking, from the pain and in the end from the crushing debt. I was tired of it all and I had convinced myself that I just couldn’t fight anymore, I was broken and depressed. In a totally vicious circle of wanting to change, wanting to improve but being in such a dark place and addicted to the booze I just couldn’t find my way out and did not think I had the strength at all. I made plans to commit suicide and part of my thinking with the debt was I just didn’t fucken care because I wouldn’t be here to have to struggle and pay it back. I have life insurance so wasn’t at all worried about leaving things unpaid nor my family having to pay it for me.

Now I am here, now I am 16 months sober this time, now I have made huge steps to improve myself and to deal with things. Now I have this fucken debt as a lasting reminder of just how close I came to calling it all quits.

Living life sober, raw & real is what I do every day and what I intend to do for the rest of my life.

Exercise – Day 5 – I have been keeping it up and have jumped on the x-trainer for 5 days solid now 🙂 I have not been on here to type about it because I have been so busy I had to pick exercise or blog hmmmm exercise has to win because I have made the commitment and my mind game is strong right now.

I’m not falling apart, I’m falling together

Funny I just looked through my drafts trying to find something worthy of writing about tonight and I had saved this title back in November last year. I think looking at it now four months later I am doing less of the falling apart and a lot more of me has fallen back together. Shit I have unpacked some emotional baggage both on here, in my mind, to friends and to a therapist. I had been holding all of it in for over 20 years and it was and is time to stop holding on to it as it is not serving any purpose in my future life plans. One thing I have certainly learnt is that if it is still sitting there festering it needs to be brought out. I was talking to a Soul Sister last night and she asked how was I, how was the therapy? I told her that I have come to realize now that I am not as fucked up as I thought I was.

I have found writing is one very powerful tool and just by writing / typing there has been so much that has come out as a ramble but it has still helped. I have made it a habit to come on here each day and to just type, and just see what comes out. Often as I type I realize that I am working things out as it spews out on here or there can be the combination of a couple of posts that make me have a light bulb moment. There are times when I go back over the same thing and it’s because I haven’t fully figured it out yet or I have realized that it goes much deeper and there is more layers to peel back.

I thought that things that had happened to me had fucked me up but I can now see that I was more worried about what people would think of me for my way of thinking and dealing with things. I was so busy worrying about what people might think of me it they knew how I was processing things. I think if I give you one example it would be the way I have dealt with the rape by the family member. With the whole #Me2 movement it feels like everyone expects people to speak up and to take action. I have never told anyone for fear of the innocent people that it would hurt to know that this person is capable of rape. There would be blame laid and felt for many people and it would not and can not ever change anything. Those are just a couple of examples but I think it shows that people really can’t judge unless they are travelling the same journey, you are not driving my bus! (Which one of you clever bloggers talked about driving your own bus, I love your wording on that one).

For any of you going through anything, it is really YOUR journey and you have the right to feel, think, deal and process it anyway you want! The saying what other people think really isn’t any of our business is so true. I no longer really care about what people think EXCEPT for the thoughts that the people I have chosen to love and share this journey with. These amazing people are the sort that I can talk to and they also question me on my thinking. They want to know, they want to understand, they do tell me if they think my thinking is fucked up but they will discuss why and allow me to explain further. Totally honest and open communication but only to the few I trust. Hmmm rambling now as my fingers type quicker than my brain can keep up with 🙂

Living life sober, raw and real is the best and only life for me.

SOL Dance Experience

Well I’m still buzzing from facing my fears and squashing my anxieties by attending and participating in my first ever SOL Dance Experience. I am so freakin glad that I did and not only am I proud of myself for pushing myself and doing it I am so happy that I did because it was so much fun. Let me see if I can do it any justice by explaining for you just what it was like for me.

Everyone is in the room, oh I should say it is ladies only (they do have the odd blokes allowed event) there are no windows in the room and when they set up they seal off the doors and any form of lighting so that there is no light glowing anywhere. The room is electric with a mixture of anticipation, excitement, nerves and confidence from some. I was standing there wondering to myself just how dark would it really be??? The truth is I didn’t really want to be in a room of strangers showing them my dance moves because hmmm well really they aren’t very good at all, maybe a mixture of Mr. Bean crossed with the shuffle dance, moon walking sort of thing a happening oh along with a bit of calling my ancestors back from the heaven or hell sort of groove. Once the lights go off you really can’t see a thing but they do have a clever way that lets you know “your” area so you don’t bang into others. You can still wear your Garmin or Fitbit as they have a clever way of making sure their lights don’t show either.

There is a brief rundown of the rules, basically just safety procedures and letting you know if you need help how to get that help in the dark. You are told that there is a range of different music that is purposely picked so that you move your body and varying parts in different ways for a total work out. The lights go out and it is dark, it is really dark, I honestly did not expect it to be that dark! For a moment it took my senses a bit to get used to it, I only knew which way is the front because that was the direction I was looking when the lights went out. I can’t see anyone around me and you can’t hear them moving because the music is pumping and it is loud. It’s not painfully loud but rather I can feel it helping to pump my soul kinda loud. You can’t help yourself, you just start to move, sway, shake your body, start moves that you never knew you had as you totally lose yourself in the moment. As well as the tunes there is the occasional whoop, whoop, yeeha, hand claps, foot stomping and laughter as people just let it all go. Because the music is loud I was quite comfortable singing away to myself and I don’t think my neighbors could hear (sorry if they could). There was a couple of performances by leader AKA Mother of SOL that was a delightful surprise in the darkness which you could follow her moves if you wanted to. This was still in dark with a very clever way of seeing only a couple of parts of her body.

For that hour you are free, you are in your own zone and your body is moving how it needs to move, it is releasing all the tension and shitty build up. Your are smiling, crying, laughing, singing simply because you are high on the moment, sounds and atmosphere. Who would think this is all possible without any alcohol of drugs. At the end of the hour there is a little touch of Yoga with guided stretching and just letting your body and mind clear. Then you are warned that the lights are about to come back on and it is bright!!! But as you look around you notice one thing everyone has in common they are all smiling, sweaty and glowing. My SOL Dance Experience gave me a high that I could never achieve with alcohol and not only that I came out of it happy and with a clear mind. It was a combination of being proud of myself for trying something new and my mind and body feeling on a natural high which left me smiling for the rest of the week.

Could I not just do this at home? Well yes, yes I could and I do but it’s probably best described as being at a concert with your favorite performers and the whole atmosphere of happy people that are all enjoying the same thing as you. Then compare that with being at home dancing alone in your lounge (which I can’t get mine into total darkness unless I want to risk tripping over a dog or two) with your speakers not to loud as to annoy the neighbors, possible visitors, phone calls and the guilt of thinking you really should get on and do xyz. The only part I do prefer with that is that I can move around the whole house if the dance takes me there. There is a way to get a bit of fitness into your day without even realizing! Far out my Garmin showed that I traveled over 6 kilometres in the hour!! Let’s see how that compares to that freakin mountain, going up and down that is 4.5 kilometres and I am yet to do that in under an hour. I love dancing and if I get the chance I will certainly be attending another SOL Dance Experience!

If your in Birmingham, Alabama or Takapuna, Auckland and want to treat your body and mind to a SOL session all details are available here – www.https://soldancex.com/

Living life sober, raw and real can rock!!! If I wasn’t doing it there is no way I would of driven 2 hours away to attend this session. There is no way I would of risen above my nerves and forced myself into doing something that I will always remember with a smile. Yep sober life is so much better and I am starting to wonder WHY, why did I used to willingly drink what is actually poison to such an extent that if I did it today it would kill me. Oh hell no there is far more to see and do and enjoy and I’m doing it sober so I don’t miss a bloody moment.

Therapy Session 3.3

Alright did I tell you that we packed a LOT into our hour plus session???

My therapist asked what do I mean when I say “I want to be a better friend”? I had to stop and think and I explained that I actually think I am a pretty awesome friend if I was honest because I care for the ones that I let into my heart so deeply that I really would die for them. I told her that I have a saying that I tell them that when I become your friend I need to warn them that I love hard. I told her that I once warned one of my friends about loving hard and her reply was – “I’m not sure why you think you need to “warn” anyone that you “love hard”? Everyone in my life loves with everything they’ve got. Not sure what the point is, if you don’t?! “ I didn’t really have a reply to that one and told her that it probably meant I needed another therapy session! My therapist said that she loves my saying that I love hard and that is wonderful. But she said she still didn’t understand why I said I wanted to be a better friend. I went on to explain that I worry with my insecurities and now that we have figured out that I’m not being silly they are linked with my abandonment issues that I am too desperate and needy. I worry that I could be too draining for people with my needs and fuck things up and lose them. My therapist explained that what I have been though is a big thing and she feels from what I have said that if I explain this and are honest with my friends that they would understand where it was coming from. I told her that I have had it were I start to get closer to people and then I panic and get speed wobbles and push them away. I did this once and I bet myself up for days afterwards for doing so! It was to the same friend and OMG she is so wise and patient and I was honest with what had happened and apologized for what I did and once again her reply just melted me – “Well you would need to push a lot harder than that to lose me.” My therapist told me that from everything I have said she believes that this friend has started the teaching cycle on me. Well how blessed am I then, freakin blessed that’s how blessed.

We moved on then discussing more about the Animal Welfare Investigator but I think I blogged about that the other night. I told her that it is a job that sadly can result in a high percentage of people that end up alcoholics because of just what they have to deal with. She asked what is my biggest fear with doing that job and my answer was to see the animals suffering and to feel and hear their pain. My absolute worst fear would be to ever have to leave them in that situation knowing they are suffering but because of the law we might not be able to help them straight away. As an animal lover she said yes that would be terrible and it’s not a job she would be able to do. This discussion went on for a while and ended with her assigning me the home work of coming up with a list of good reasons why I thought it would be a good job e.g. if an animal was suffering I would be in a position to end that suffering. I would not be to blame for it’s suffering in the first place but I would be the one to put a stop to it if there was no chance of it ever recovering.

Living life sober, raw and real will certainly be challenging at times and I’m gonna need my friends to remind me just what a warrior I am and that I really do slay dragons so I give it all I’ve got but I know they will. The main thing is to keep being honest, raw and open and don’t go back in and hiding things that really matter.

Therapy Session 3.2

Am I a wise old owl or a over confident one that will fall over her perch soon if she’s not careful? I have been thinking that is my mind being like my alcoholic brain, actually is it just my mind that is a bit of a cocky smart arse? On Friday after my therapy session I did come out of it a bit like what the fuck did I pay my money for today?? Or is my therapist so smart that she leaves me feeling like I am fixing myself when she is cleverly moving my mind in the right direction? She has told me that I am very wise and full of much wisdom, she has told me that I am very intelligent. She has also said that I am the sort of person with a manner that people would listen to because I am so wise and smart but have an amazing calm nature to me. She feels that I actually have a very healthy way of looking at things and that the way I am dealing with things mentally is impressive.

It’s a bit like my alcoholic mind telling me that I am okay and have the right attitude about not ever wanting to drink ever again and then next minute smack the urge to drink comes and smacks me in the face. With the sadness of the Christchurch murders I really would of liked nothing more than to of got totally shit faced to just turn the emotions off. Is it like that with my therapy, I am convincing myself through her praise of what the hell am I paying her for if I have it so under control I’ll fix my bloody self? We went way over time but she told me that she was interested to discuss more about my minds thinking on becoming an Animal Welfare Inspector because she is learning something from me in my processing of this. Then my homework was based around coming back and telling her the good things I have decided about doing this so she can use them to help build a tool kit for during the stressful or sad times in this role.

She asked what else is there that I really have from my past that we need to work through and I struggled to come up with anything extra. I have told her my shit and I have told her my way of thinking about them. We have discussed how I think I am bisexual and that I don’t have a problem being single and think others have a bigger problem about it than me. We discussed that I really don’t care about the whole male or female thing all I care about is the mind and heart of a person. Oh I do have certain looks I am attracted to though but let’s be frank their sexual organs ain’t what is attracting me. Once again after we talked about it she thought my thinking was actually very healthy.

I guess what I am saying is that am I being to cocky thinking that I’m far more advanced in my therapy than I really am? Is she super smart getting me thinking this way? Am I not as messed up as I thought I was? If I’m not so fucked up can I really keep using my past as an excuse for being an alcoholic? Oh or was it because I was so fucked up that I developed the drinking problem which caused me to become an alcoholic and now I am just an alcoholic and am using my history as a crutch? I don’t think I ever gave myself credit for being smart and I think I am learning that I am smarter than I think I am (if that makes sense).

We discussed that I know that alcohol is a depressant and certainly wouldn’t of helped but is being depressed something that your brain learns to do through you practicing it so much and thus turning into a habit? Isn’t it also likely that because of my past and issues with abandonment and having to fight for attention that I have got into the habit of having sad thoughts and depression in a bid to get my friends to pay me attention and to offer comfort and support which I have been lacking. And then in experiencing these emotions and being vulnerable I have not liked them and then started to numb them. Also is it possible that I hated this side of me and when I started to behave this way I would then push the friends away because I hated I had shown that side?

See how much races through my mind and this was all only part of a session????

Living life sober, raw and real really is the only option for me and I know that even if I do get speed wobbles. As you can see my mind still and probably always will dart around at a hundred miles an hour BUT I am also learning and enjoying quieter moments a lot more and OMGosh they are amazing.

Friends Can’t Replace Therapists But They Help

Okay I have to be honest I was expecting friends to fix me, that is not their job nor are they qualified to do it. I was thinking just by sharing with friends that I am an alcoholic and that I have had some shit happen to me in the past things will start to improve just by being around positive people that love me. Oh and that the sympathy and understanding they would give me would fix everything and I would be okay.

I WAS WRONG

Oh boy was I wrong, I can see now just after 2 counselling sessions that getting professional help is so different to expecting friends to “fix” you, what the hell does that even mean? I’m not a fucken broken toy that you can glue back together, I’m not some knitting were you have dropped a stitch, I’m not a phone with a cracked screen!!! I am me, I have had some shit happen to me in my life that I have mentally suppressed and I have attempted to numb all thoughts and feelings about by drinking my life away for over 20 years. Hmmm maybe I would be happier thinking of it that I have battle scars and that these scars have left emotional damage. Oh shit I might of just talked myself into being broken….. okay there are scars and there is damage but I am positive that what can’t be repaired can be dealt with. I am sure that I can learn skills to deal with the emotions to deal with them as I feel them and that with practice it will be easier.

Back to the point, I seriously thought I could fix this on my own and then with the help of some amazing friends. They can help me but it is not their job nor role in my life to repair the damage that has been done. The damage has just gone far to deep and it is unreasonable to think it can be helped without the experience of a professional who is trained to help. With the help and love of my Soul Sisters I have had the love, support and encouragement I needed but now we are taking it to the next level. I have to go to this level because without dealing with the past I am a very high risk of turning back to the bottle to drown them again. At least at the end of this I will have a tool box of coping mechanisms that I can use instead of the bottle.

Sadly though I am back to being tired, so fucken tired, is this natural when you start therapy? It’s like I hit a wall and now my body and mind have gone thank fuck and crawled to the nearest bench to sit down and rest. Almost like I have been running from all of this for so long that my body and mind have collapsed as I cross the finish line. I know I’m not finished in fact I think I have just started another marathon but a different sort for sure. I have pulled back on going to hard trying to lose weight as it was starting to stress me worrying about that and thinking about everything else etc. I will get back to the when I am feeling in a better head space and more able to cope. Sort of feels like I was running around trying to fix everything at once and it was just to much.

Living life sober, raw and real has gone up a notch and I am giving it everything I have got to make it work for me. I fucken hate booze now and I never want to go back to it but I have said that before. BUT I have never worked as hard as I am now to deal with my past. I have said it before and I will say it again THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR THE BLESSING OF MY SOUL SISTERS FOR THEIR LOVE, SUPPORT, GUIDANCE AND WISDOM ❤