It’s amazing how things come to me in my mind now as I remember my thinking and just how crazy my mind was back when I was drinking. I seriously look back now and am stunned to think that I actually thought I was fine. Functioning Guzzler is really what I thought I was, I didn’t think I was an alcoholic but rather a binge drinker. How the fuck could anyone think that while putting away on average 6-8 stubbies a night. Anyway there is so much more than just the feelings and emotions I have blocked and numbed including the mind games my own mind was playing on me. I have mentioned before that I am in financial shit as I got so desperate to force myself to stop drinking I spent all my money and then clocked up loans and credit card debt. Now here comes the kicker that came to me like a bolt the other day.
I had no intention of ever paying all that debt back! I was drinking like there was no tomorrow because frankly at some stage I planned to make sure that there was no tomorrow for me. I was running a marathon and trying to get away from my pain, sorrow, sadness, loneliness and anger I was numbing it and slowly that numbing wasn’t numbing it enough. Also I was tired, I was so fucken tired from running from my feelings, from drinking, from the pain and in the end from the crushing debt. I was tired of it all and I had convinced myself that I just couldn’t fight anymore, I was broken and depressed. In a totally vicious circle of wanting to change, wanting to improve but being in such a dark place and addicted to the booze I just couldn’t find my way out and did not think I had the strength at all. I made plans to commit suicide and part of my thinking with the debt was I just didn’t fucken care because I wouldn’t be here to have to struggle and pay it back. I have life insurance so wasn’t at all worried about leaving things unpaid nor my family having to pay it for me.
Now I am here, now I am 16 months sober this time, now I have made huge steps to improve myself and to deal with things. Now I have this fucken debt as a lasting reminder of just how close I came to calling it all quits.
Living life sober, raw & real is what I do every day and what I intend to do for the rest of my life.
Exercise – Day 5 – I have been keeping it up and have jumped on the x-trainer for 5 days solid now 🙂 I have not been on here to type about it because I have been so busy I had to pick exercise or blog hmmmm exercise has to win because I have made the commitment and my mind game is strong right now.
Okay I am going to write this out here and maybe I will cop some abuse for it maybe not but there is a side to suicide and mental illness that I believe does not get discussed enough and needs to be. I want to write from the side of a friend of an incredible lady that suffers from mental illness and yesterday external influences that have pushed her over the edge an she posted her final farewell with the full intention of taking her own life just to get rest from it all. This may appear selfish because I know it’s not all about me but there needs to be focus on the innocent victims of mental illness as well. I am also writing this with a past history of myself wanting to take my own life. In hindsight I can see now that I didn’t want to kill myself but I too just wanted it to stop, it is exhausting to reach and feel this way. You are so tired you have already fought for so long and you really need to stop the pain, desperation, hurt and feeling that there is no way back from where you currently find yourself. There probably is but you are so tired your ability to see this is also exhausted and those sort of hopes and visions ran out a long time ago.
Today I am tired so very tired, the amount of adrenaline that pumps through your body when you are trying to find a loved one or hoping to hear from others from your support group that one of them have found you and that you are okay is insane. Then to see that you had been found and everyone was celebrating but I was sitting there is tears because no one was saying if you were dead or alive. Then the message came through that all is well the police in a town are transporting her to the nearest city. I hated doing it but my reply back was that’s great but is she okay, is she alive??? The reply that came back was “oh shit I don’t know I was just excited to hear that they had her”. It is one thing to have you but it is a totally different thing to know that you are okay. What had you done, what damage had been done, where you still with us if so at what capacity????? I think you must be still with us because otherwise why would they transport you!! It was another two hours before a message came through saying that you are in the hospital and that the Police are working with Mental Health services to help you and that there would be an update in the morning. Seriously that was great and told us that you must still be alive but nothing about the state of you -FUCK!!!! Once again people where celebrating and saying thank fuck but I was sitting here with a sense of disbelief that the person that gave the update didn’t at least tell us how you were.
I kept checking my phone through the night and nothing it was the first thing I looked at when I woke up this morning and again I cried. I cried as I read a message from yourself saying that you were home again and that someone was with you and you would be taking a few days to rest and regroup. You explained that you realized you were in trouble and had ended up driving yourself to a towns Police Station and they helped you from there. Everyone agreed at the hospital that provided your friend stayed with you going home to your animals would be the best place for you. So the Police drove you back from the hospital to your car and you both drove home from there.
Seriously I am not angry with you but I am angry with your mental illness and what it does to you and also what it puts us all through. This was the start of a long weekend and the roads were crazy busy and here was a suicidal lady driving in it – scary thought. You have been running an animal rescue from your own which I have been watching the amount of animals increase at an alarming rate. I know they always help you when you are down and them needing you helps you focus and regroup but they are a huge emotional and financial drain. This week was extremely hard for you in the rescue world with 3 deaths but none of them were your fault. Those animals were sick already and the people that gave them to you should of either taken care of ending their suffering or nursed them in old age themselves not passed them on to a rescue. Now today I am sitting here and watching your friends fight. It seems just like having an asshole everyone all so has an opinion and they are coming out. They are arguing because some are trying to figure out what to do with the animals others are saying leave you alone you need time fuck the animals you won’t let them down. It is getting ugly with the fighting and it’s so hard to watch. Everyone is tired and emotionally drained. I fully understand both sides but the fact they are falling apart rather than coming together is not helping. With the hard week in rescue combined with the continued bullshit treatment from our Government departments no wonder you reached this dangerous level. Apparently there is a wait for the counselling you require and that really sucks because you need help in realizing that these shitty events must not mean that you can’t see anyone out other than to take your own life.
I am sitting here wondering what I can do and fully aware that I have to be careful not to go charging in with all guns blazing because I am still on my journey of healing myself. It is not your fault and it’s not my fault but I don’t know what to do as I can’t keep riding this roller coaster but I also can’t abandon you. You are one of my friends and I love you, you don’t abandon your friends but I need to work out healthy boundaries for myself.
Finding a silver lining in this – The past 24 hours has been so stressful and the thought of sitting down and having a drink to relax sounds lovely but I know that for me that just isn’t possible because I NEVER stop at just one drink. Also I am not ruining over a year sober because of fucken mental health. See I have the clarity in my mind to know this part of me. Living life sober, raw and real feeling every bit can be hard but there is also beauty.
Today I had a friend attempt to take her life and that sucks, this is not the first time sadly and I doubt it will be the last time. You can’t help but wonder how many times are we going too be so blessed and lucky but there might be just that one time and it actually happens. Tonight she is in hospital and the Police and mental health team are working together to help her. This will be with her family and friends but today was really scary as hell. To see a friend post thanking everyone of her friends and family for all their support and trying to help her and then telling the ones who gave up on her to go fuck themselves was so hard. She even went so far as to tell everyone to please make sure her animals are looked after and that X will know which ones can’t be separated. Oh and please use everything she leaves behind to go towards the care and welfare of her animals. She apologized for not having the strength or energy to fight anymore and said goodbye. The scary part was that she lives in the county and this was the start of a long weekend. We had messages flying and calls to the police happening and it was a race for who could get there first. The bloody traffic was horrendous because of everyone starting to go on holiday so there was delays for everyone. Tell you what next time I am in traffic and someone impatient is trying to get somewhere in a hurry I will be letting them through because you don’t know it could be a case just like this. It ended up with about 20 people at her home and she wasn’t there!!!!
The alert when out through the Police and thank god she was found in a town about 2 hours away. We have no idea why she was there and don’t even know if she knows why, maybe she was driving to end it all so we couldn’t find her and stop her. The Police got to her in time and she was transported to a hospital an hour away. It was a bloody long wait waiting to see if she had survived getting there and also while they treated her. I cannot explain the relief I felt to know that she was doing okay tonight and they will update us all more in the morning.
Couple of things here on what has happened, mental health problems don’t just go away. The absolute worst thing someone can say to a person in the depths of depression is that they only attempt suicide to get attention. Government departments need training on how to deal with suicidal people and when they are told they are suicidal to leave them the fuck alone and maybe show some compassion and get a welfare check done on them instead of cutting off their benefit because they haven’t completed all the necessary forms. She is not capable of concentrating long enough to complete your fucken forms. You treated her as if she had a choice and was just putting this all on. Do you seriously think a smart and talented lady like her wants to live and be like this???? She doesn’t she is living in hell and can’t even read a book because she can’t concentrate. Do you think she wanted to go from running her own successful business to living on the sickness benefit??? Far out people learn compassion and empathy and learn that people are not just a number on their file.
Tonight I hope she is sleeping peacefully and getting some rest because after today I would say she hasn’t been for some time again this time around.
Living life sober, raw & real is allowing me to feel it all but also to be totally present for those I love. I am sad that I didn’t see this attempt coming but that is the thing with depression & anxiety & desperation the suffers can portray that they are happy and busy so you leave them alone. You stop checking in each day because you think they want to stand on their own but inside they are a mess. I am so sorry my friend that you reached this point again, I can’t stop the rain but I will stand in it while holding the umbrella over you for as long as you need.
Last night someone asked me exactly that question – “What finally made you stop drinking?” And as I typed my answer I don’t think I have told the below to you all and it is a very important part of my journey so I wanted to make sure it was documented in here. Below is my answer –
I wish I could pin point just one thing for you but it wasn’t a light bulb moment or anything like that. I was sick and tired of drinking, I sat in a supermarkets car park crying because I wanted to go home but didn’t have any booze at home. My wages should of gone in but they hadn’t and I couldn’t afford it until they did. I sat there refreshing my bank account on my phone until it got later and later wishing that money in. It was starting to get dark and I wanted to go home even more, I wanted to close the door to this shitty world and my addiction and just be with my dogs and drinking so I could forget about how sad and desperate I felt sitting in my car right then. Finally I left the car park without the booze and went home crying. I sat there thinking how pathetic I was and knew that it was time, I had warning signs like while walking the dogs I could feel the heart palpitations and would seriously worry that I would drop dead. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on strong medication for that. I felt desperate, trapped, alone and my option was either suicide or try again to stop drinking. Thank fully I choose the stop drinking option because it wasn’t until I had been sober for a while that I could actually start to see the benefits of being sober. I hope that helps and am more than happy to answer any other questions you might have. XOX
I really had reached a point were I just couldn’t face living like I was anymore. I was so depressed and it wasn’t rare to have suicidal thoughts and make plans to do exactly that. I had been living like this for so long I really had nothing to lose by trying living life sober instead. I’m not an expert and there are other people that have more knowledge than me on the subject of addiction and alcoholism. But if there is any part of my journey that you think might help you in your journey feel free to ask me about it. I’m pretty freakin open and honest about it all. I seriously believe that one way to make good the shitty parts of my life is by using them to help others if I can.
This week I had to go for blood tests and today I got the results and at that moment I had a “holy shit” moment. You see previously when I was living the life (not really living at all) of an alcoholic and drinking myself to sleep / pass out every night for over 20 years I really couldn’t of cared less if I lived or died. There was many times when I wanted to die and then there was a few times when I intended to kill myself. I had it all planned out and what stopped me was my little dog, you see we are so bonded that if I am not around my family struggle to get her to eat. I have two dogs and the other one would be sad and would miss me at first but he would be okay as long as someone gave him food, love, walks and play. My little girl wouldn’t and I couldn’t kill myself knowing that in turn I would be killing her as well.
Today when the results came in I was worried as I looked at them incase they had found something that would mean bad news. I keep thinking that you seriously can’t abuse your body for as many years as I have and not have a price to pay. Now that part that made me think holy shit was when I realized I actually cared about the results. What a bleek shitty life I was living as a drunk, I was always in a haze, depressed and living in self loath. Now that I have been sober for over a year I know that I still have a hell of a lot of living that I WANT to do. I am now working towards a brighter life where I can see my blessings every day. I have plans, I have goals, I am working on me and I am excited for the future.
I don’t want to mislead everyone I am not all fuck yeah life is incredible and I am so happy all of the time. I can drop into sadness just out of the blue, I can still get stressed over shit that doesn’t really matter, I get lonely, I hurt, I have feelings, I can be grumpy etc, etc. But I have figured out that all of that makes me human. We are built to have emotions and feelings and I have said it before I am willing to feel the shitty, sad, painful etc because if I am feeling those I am also capable of feeling the good. You can’t let one in without the other. I have more good than bad that’s for sure, I still have a hell of a lot to work out and to work on but in order to grow these are totally necessary. I hope I NEVER stop growing and learning.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the life for me and it is leading me to living my best life.
Previously I have posted on here how in some of my darkest moments I have seriously considered suicide. I was so depressed and didn’t even have the energy to look up for the light at the end of the tunnel. I would of done it too if it had not been for my dogs especially my little girl dog. I always felt bad for how my family and friends would of felt if I had done it but it was the only way I could think of to end the pain, sorrow and emptiness I felt and if you add to that the fact that I felt totally worthless and that it really didn’t matter if I hung around or not. But when I looked in my little girls eyes I could not do it, you see I think she would die without me. She is so close to me and if I go away my mother has trouble even getting her to eat so I try to not go away for more than a few nights at a time. But this post is not meant to go back to those dark days.
I still have dark periods with dark thoughts but they do not stay for long now thank God. I can see now how the combination of booze, beta blockers and pain killers was just a disaster waiting to happen that together are a depressant and also slowed my metabolism down which didn’t help with the weight gain. I was living life so numb that I was drowning out the negative depressing thoughts of just how much I hated myself. But instead of helping the booze just made me full of self loath and did nothing to raise my head to see the light.
Today after a year sober I can say that I have raised my head and guess what I can see a light beaming down on me. I think I can even hear a voice saying “You have wasted almost 1/2 your life in a depressed alcoholic state it is now your time. Raise up, reach out for the light and start chasing your dreams.” That voice is loud and clear and it is inside me, in fact it is me and it’s slowly getting louder. If I die today I won’t be dying as that depressed sad drunk. If I die today I will be dying as a person who is full of hopes and dreams. If I die today I will be dying before I am ready because I have so much to do. If I die today I will be dying happy because it won’t be because I don’t want to be here nor will it be because I have drunk myself into oblivion and drown in the bath or overdosed on my meds.
I now have moments of peace and in those moments of peace there is happiness and a fierce sense of pride. I think back now to what I have been through and I am proud of myself, that’s right I am proud of ME. I have no idea how I survived the depression nor how my drinking didn’t kill me but I do know to survive what I have been through and to now turn it around to a person that wants to live and that feels worthy of living really shows me how fucken tough I am.
If you are reading this and you are an addict or you suffer from depression my heart totally goes out to you. I really want to reach through here wrap you up in the biggest hug and tell you that you too are worthy and deserving. You are important and you deserve to have happiness and to be able to see the light and be able to dream and plan for the future you want. It’s hard, it is so hard when you are at the stage I was when you don’t even have the energy to raise your head, I would like to gently raise your chin and help you see the light. I put lots of rambling here as I release things from my mind and my wish is that it helps at least one of you to not feel alone.
Living life sober, raw and real, has finally given me the energy to raise my head and see the light. I’m not just squinting watching the light, I’m reaching out for the light and all the goals, dreams and love that I can.
Now I’m not stupid as in I know that I am an alcoholic and that doesn’t just go away because I am not drinking and I know how easy it is for the wheels to fall off the wagon and end up back at that horrible day one again.
I have no intention of ending up back there but nor did I the other times I did either, but that’s not what I am focusing on here. One of the better ways to avoid that happening again is by building what I call a sobriety tool kit. I am the most important part of that tool box because this is something I can either make work or I can fuck it up it’s that simple. But with the help of the other tools the chances of that not happening are much better.
Apart from myself my biggest and most treasured tool is my Soul Sisters, they are the biggest blessings that I have been given. Is it bad that I have in the back of my mind that if something goes wrong with my Soul Sisters it could be dangerous because I love them so much and it would hurt like a bitch? I hate that part of me, I treasure the best parts but weigh up the bad possibilities as well. I think that if you care deeply for people there is always going to be bits that hurt and that is just a fact of life.
My Soul Sisters love me, support me, are there for me if I really needed them each in their own way. They are also great at being honest with me and they all have different strengths that they bring to the relationship. I really just wanted to put down here how much I love them and the fact is if I had not let them into my life in the last year (and them let me into theirs) that I don’t believe I would of been able to fight as hard. There is a very real possibility with my alcoholism that I would of gone back to drinking. With my drinking I would of slipped back into depression and suicidal thoughts would of been a part of my life again. Because of the fight I have had and the wonderful choosen sisters I have I am a much better and stronger person.
I LOVE being sober, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are more often than the bad now. Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it.