It’s amazing how things come to me in my mind now as I remember my thinking and just how crazy my mind was back when I was drinking. I seriously look back now and am stunned to think that I actually thought I was fine. Functioning Guzzler is really what I thought I was, I didn’t think I was an alcoholic but rather a binge drinker. How the fuck could anyone think that while putting away on average 6-8 stubbies a night. Anyway there is so much more than just the feelings and emotions I have blocked and numbed including the mind games my own mind was playing on me. I have mentioned before that I am in financial shit as I got so desperate to force myself to stop drinking I spent all my money and then clocked up loans and credit card debt. Now here comes the kicker that came to me like a bolt the other day.
I had no intention of ever paying all that debt back! I was drinking like there was no tomorrow because frankly at some stage I planned to make sure that there was no tomorrow for me. I was running a marathon and trying to get away from my pain, sorrow, sadness, loneliness and anger I was numbing it and slowly that numbing wasn’t numbing it enough. Also I was tired, I was so fucken tired from running from my feelings, from drinking, from the pain and in the end from the crushing debt. I was tired of it all and I had convinced myself that I just couldn’t fight anymore, I was broken and depressed. In a totally vicious circle of wanting to change, wanting to improve but being in such a dark place and addicted to the booze I just couldn’t find my way out and did not think I had the strength at all. I made plans to commit suicide and part of my thinking with the debt was I just didn’t fucken care because I wouldn’t be here to have to struggle and pay it back. I have life insurance so wasn’t at all worried about leaving things unpaid nor my family having to pay it for me.
Now I am here, now I am 16 months sober this time, now I have made huge steps to improve myself and to deal with things. Now I have this fucken debt as a lasting reminder of just how close I came to calling it all quits.
Living life sober, raw & real is what I do every day and what I intend to do for the rest of my life.
Exercise – Day 5 – I have been keeping it up and have jumped on the x-trainer for 5 days solid now 🙂 I have not been on here to type about it because I have been so busy I had to pick exercise or blog hmmmm exercise has to win because I have made the commitment and my mind game is strong right now.
I often find myself pondering just how much alcohol is out there and for people giving it up or have given it up there are always reminders every single day.
Right from a tender age it is often something that we view and see as an “adult” drink and which youngster isn’t busting their arse to be considered an adult? Once you turn 18 years of age in New Zealand you are legally allowed to purchase alcohol but there is no minimum legal drinking age. Just typing that my mind is thinking that is crazy, you can get a special licence to start learning to drive once you hit 16 years of age. You can’t join the Army until you are 17 years of age. How can we not have an age restriction on being able to consume alcohol, how is that even possible?
It feels like our adult lives are built around it. Invite friends around for a BBQ and it is expected that it involves beer, wine and as the hours pass something stronger. Go out for dinner and you are always presented with the wine list so you can select a suitable pre-dinner wine then after ordering they will suggest something that will compliment your meal. Get a promotion at work, lets all go for a celebration drink. It’s your birthday, lets celebrate with a drink or ten.
All the advertising I see is with happy smiling people who are having a wonderful time. Over here they sell it where ever you can get a wholesaler licence, corner dairies, supermarkets, bottle stores, online it is everywhere. I remember when I first stopped drinking I actually started ordering my groceries online and having it delivered to home so that I didn’t have to walk past all the booze for sale in the supermarket.
Shit I want to start up some of our own advertising and put up billboards with the true story. I think when I was giving up it would of been so much easier if it was like tobacco over here which can’t be advertised, the actual packets of ciggies cannot be visible and have to be kept hidden in a cupboard and shoppers ask for them. Then when they do get them there are health warnings all over them and really gross photos e.g. rotten lungs etc. Imagine if the did that with booze?
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me.
Last night someone asked me exactly that question – “What finally made you stop drinking?” And as I typed my answer I don’t think I have told the below to you all and it is a very important part of my journey so I wanted to make sure it was documented in here. Below is my answer –
I wish I could pin point just one thing for you but it wasn’t a light bulb moment or anything like that. I was sick and tired of drinking, I sat in a supermarkets car park crying because I wanted to go home but didn’t have any booze at home. My wages should of gone in but they hadn’t and I couldn’t afford it until they did. I sat there refreshing my bank account on my phone until it got later and later wishing that money in. It was starting to get dark and I wanted to go home even more, I wanted to close the door to this shitty world and my addiction and just be with my dogs and drinking so I could forget about how sad and desperate I felt sitting in my car right then. Finally I left the car park without the booze and went home crying. I sat there thinking how pathetic I was and knew that it was time, I had warning signs like while walking the dogs I could feel the heart palpitations and would seriously worry that I would drop dead. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on strong medication for that. I felt desperate, trapped, alone and my option was either suicide or try again to stop drinking. Thank fully I choose the stop drinking option because it wasn’t until I had been sober for a while that I could actually start to see the benefits of being sober. I hope that helps and am more than happy to answer any other questions you might have. XOX
I really had reached a point were I just couldn’t face living like I was anymore. I was so depressed and it wasn’t rare to have suicidal thoughts and make plans to do exactly that. I had been living like this for so long I really had nothing to lose by trying living life sober instead. I’m not an expert and there are other people that have more knowledge than me on the subject of addiction and alcoholism. But if there is any part of my journey that you think might help you in your journey feel free to ask me about it. I’m pretty freakin open and honest about it all. I seriously believe that one way to make good the shitty parts of my life is by using them to help others if I can.
You now how with alcohol you drink the first one that fast because, you know your real thirsty and all that? Like so fast that you grab two drinks at once so you don’t have to get up again in 5 mins to grab the second one? Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking alcohol because the first one really quenches the thirst anyway and it isn’t full of ethanol (which surprisingly isn’t addictive itself) which causes a chemical reaction in our brains which in turn leads us back to wanting more & more and is one of the reasons that it turns to addiction.
You know how you keep drinking and have to keep running back and forwards to the toilet to pee (well that was how it was for me while chucking back the ciders or beers) pretty much after the third bottle you had to go each time you got up for a new bottle?Oh and if you are like me I used to get wobblier on my feet each time and I often would bang into things e.g. the door handle and then the following day think where the hell did these bruises come from. Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking multiple alcoholic drinks. Because like I say one or some times if it’s yummy or your dehydrated two non-alcoholic drinks don’t pass through you quicker than a freight train.
You know how you would start drinking before you had cooked or prepared a meal and then you would start to really relax and instead of cooking a proper decent meal you would just think fuck it and just grab something to full the gap, well that was if you even still felt like eating. Yeah well, you can still find yourself just grabbing something quick when your not drinking alcohol lol let’s be honest here BUT you do actually take the time more often to cook and enjoy a decent meal. And as you have given up drinking and are starting to take care of yourself better the chances are it’s going to be healthier.
You know how you would start drinking and then think oh shit please don’t anyone phone or call around. I don’t think I’m slurring, oh shit am I slurring how the hell will I know if I’m slurring as my brain is numbing and it doesn’t feel like I’m slurring….. shit to scared to answer the phone or the door now incase I’m slurring. Yeah well guess what?? Now that your not drinking alcohol you can actually answer the phone or the door and not worry about that good old slurrring. Shit you can even drive a car if need be!!
These all seem like basic things but really they aren’t. To me these are all parts of the puzzle that are now fitting together that show me just how shit life was for me while drinking. Basic things, yes I agree, but they all add up to not living my life in happiness and to it’s full potential. I don’t know if this was just relevant to me or if there are others out their nodding their heads as they read this. So much wasted time I can never get back from chugging away a the bottle. I don’t want to waste time on the little things anymore. Today I am living life 100% sober and for that I am blessed.
I seriously thought with stopping drinking and thus cutting out on average 3866 kilojoules a day that I would lose some serious weight. Well that was simply not the case at all, bastard talk about feeling totally ripped off. Now before you all think hmmm how is that not possible I’ll be the first to stick my hand up lol. My new addiction was chocolate (dairy free, it is possible to find dairy free yummy chocolate) and ice blocks. But hey don’t steal my moment of feeling sorry for myself for not losing the weight hahahha.
Anyway moving on from that admission I decided it was time to start doing something about it and I stopped all chocolate & ice blocks & sugar along with going on a diet. I lost 2kg’s in the first week but I was feeling like crap. I was dizzy and my mood was declining, I was already going through a sad patch but this was making it so much worse. I was depressed and a moody little bitch but the dizziness got so bad. After discussing it with a doctor he told me that my body is crashing and took my BP and it was super low. Who knew that cutting out sugar could cause a body to do this. No bloody wonder my body was having trouble trying to cope.
One really bad thing I noticed with this though is that as my body started to crash and my mood with it the craving for alcohol started to come back really strong. This really surprised me because I have been doing so well and feeling so positive about not drinking and I absolutely LOVE life living it sober, it kicks arse.
For now I am stopping the diet but am carrying on with no sugar including chocolates or ice blocks (hmmm maybe for a treat on Xmas day) and I will see how I will go. But although this wasn’t pleasant I have learned from it.
Living life sober is one of the best things I have done for myself and thank goodness I am sober and aware enough to realize when something isn’t right. Before I would of just had another drink or 7 etc and carried on day after day ignoring it.
Just that title makes me happy and probably has very little to do with this post but we will see as I type tonight’s rambling thoughts on here. Actually I just came back up here to add this, yes I am much happier but I don’t want others that are using my journey to help them on their own to be deceived. My life ten months on sober is much happier but it’s not all Rainbows & Unicorns I still have a lot of work to do, I think if you want to break addiction you have to be prepared to put in the work. You also have to WANT to do it, it is not enough for others to want you to do it, YOU have to want it.
I have been sharing on here for a while with you all and for those of you considering doing it for either pleasure or as a release I say give it a try, you will soon find out if it’s going to be of any benefit for you. I have noticed my posts getting more positive and I am so happy about that but the next bit might seem a bit odd. I remember when I started on my sober journey or each time that I fell off the sober train and crashed and burned. Reading the posts on here would often help me to find the energy to get back up and try again. Each time you fall over you find that your self disappointment levels dip further down every time and your self esteem takes a huge knock. My moods really were so low and I would feel like suicide just to end the pain and also because I hated myself and thought for fucks sake what is the point to do another bloody round AGAIN. It isn’t easy and oh my God I know that and I know how hard and just how deep you have to dig to try again. What was different this time around for me?
When I started drinking again the last time I had been sober for 3 years, 3 years!!!!! and yet I fell off the wagon. There had been a huge event in my life that I had held my shit together for over a year but when it ended and I survived it I crashed and burned. I had been burying demons and putting on a huge display that everything was okay in my world, I had such a good act going that even I thought it was okay and I had everything under control. I really had no idea that all it was like was a simmering pot on the stove and when that event was finally over the whole pot boiled over and I could not cope so instead I turned back to the bottle. I was so disappointed with myself and that mixed with all of the over whelming emotions that I was going through just made me drink more. I sank back into heavy drinking every night and really didn’t care if it killed me, I did not care!!! I kept this up for I think around 18 months. Near the end I started to feel like a person drowning that was submerging and waving around but the beach was empty, the life guards had packed up and gone home. I did some stupid things in attempt to stop drinking e.g. spending all my money and running heaps of debt so I wouldn’t have any left to spend on booze (umm don’t try this yourself it doesn’t work, an alcoholic will always find money for booze).
I’ve told the story before about how a friend and myself were both drinking to much and we made a deal that we would support each other to take a break for 3 months. I am one of those people that when I make a promise to a friend I keep it combined with I can be one stubborn arse bitch when I want to be. I was determined I would make those three months but I was also sick and tired of booze having control over my life. I knew that I no longer had control but it did. I made it to the end of the 3 months and that was enough for me to be able to start to see a difference in myself to have me wanting to keep going. Right from the start I started blogging it out on here and getting out what I was feeling or going through. This not only helped me but I also started to get messages saying thank you and that by default I was helping others, this made me feel so awesome. I am now over ten months and I have no intention of ever touching alcohol again, EVER!
Things are so much better for me now and I have made amazing friends and built a support network around me with my tribe of Soul Sisters. Blogging & friends along with being so sick and tired of being depressed and sick and tired has helped me stick to this. I still have such a long way to go and am a work in progress. I have survived some really shitty things but I stand proud that I have come out the other side. Next year I am looking at starting some therapy to work out things so that hopefully they don’t just sit there dormant and raise their ugly heads again. If they do I want different skills to deal with them that does not include reaching for a bottle. I’m also not a cocky little shit I know just how easy it is to suffer speed wobbles and fall off the wagon but I know that I have never felt the desire to stay sober as strong as I do now. Living life sober is fucken awesome!!!