Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.
Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.
Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.
Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.
Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.
Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.
Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.
Today is one of those days when I’m feeling lonely, there are people around but it’s not the people that I want around. I am missing my girlfriends and tonight they are feeling so far away. They are busy with family and friends and I understand and am trying to leave them alone as I know that they need to spend time with them. It’s not even a case of I’m jealous of their friends and family or upset that they are so busy because I really do understand. But I am missing them something terrible right now.
Damn it the results are in and we have the start of kidney failure with my little dog. At this stage we are not sure how advanced it is nor how rapidly it is happening and until we do another round of blood and urine tests in a months time we won’t know. After those tests we will be able to gauge the difference in that month. Sadly you can’t do dialysis on dogs and a kidney is not something that can rejuvenate itself. I asked my vet today, “we are in trouble aren’t we”? And sadly her reply was “yes”. My heart dropped but I am not ready to just accept and we will be fighting this one for as long as we can. Following many emails between her skin specialist (who is a qualified vet as well) who has been treating her for bad allergies and my vet we are going to try slowly changing her diet to one based to help her kidneys. Once that is sorted there is a gravy that can be added to it that is jam packed with vitamins and minerals that her little body needs. This little girl might only weigh just over 3kg but she is a fighter just like her Mum and we aren’t going to give it everything we have got.
Tonight I am sad because my dogs are my world and one of them is in trouble. One of my Soul Sisters has just moved away and I’m missing her. I feel down and scared at the moment but I can’t help but wonder how badly would I be coping with all of this had I still been drinking. Would I of had a clear enough head to see that it’s better to focus on giving all my time and energy doing anything I can to help my baby stay as healthy and happy as I can. My friend will be back eventually next year so it’s not forever. Previously I would of spiraled into so a dark depression I would be a danger to myself right about now.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life now and I’m happy about that.
Not sure what I feel like writing about tonight so just bear with me while I just purge what is knocking around in that head of mine.
Well I did cry today because my friend was leaving in to go and live overseas again 😥 I did lay on the couch and pull my hoodie up and over my eyes as I lay there totally sad and blue because I knew she would be at the airport waiting for her flight out. I lay there so long I ended up falling asleep for a while after I pulled a blanket over me trying to positive thought myself out of the sadness I was feeling. You know the sort of positive thoughts…..If she didn’t live this lifestyle we would never of meet in the first place…….She is such an amazing person and has family and friends who also deserve some time with her……..She will be back again some time next year…….I am so blessed to have her in my life……In the time that we have been friends this lady has built me up to believe in myself……..She has encouraged me to grow and reach out for help…………We got to celebrate my one year soberversary with her in the country and had the most amazing time and had ice cream & sorbet together just talking while watching the beach………..She already has so many amazing friends in her life the fact that SHE CHOSE TO REACH OUT TO ME was fuckin amazing on it’s own……I could go on but you get the idea there is so much positive. But then I had to tell myself hey it is okay to be sad and it’s perfectly understandable. I woke up later and decided my sad arse needed fresh air and there is no better way of getting this than walking my two fluffy butts. So harness up the dogs and off we go, it really does help me so much in times of sadness. I came home again and knew that if I left messaging her much longer I would miss her as she would be boarding soon. So I sent her this –
Followed up with – • Message Me When You Get There • Missing You Like Crazy • Have A Safe Trip • Sleep Well • Refuse Too Say Good Bye – See Yah Soon (But Will Hear From Each Other HEAPS) • Our Bench Will Be Lonely • Oh Screw It – Love You My Beautiful BFF
After receiving “Thank you sweet friend. Love You” and we chatted until she had to board I was smiling through sad tears. I am going to miss her actually being here SO MUCH but we will be staying in contact as much as possible and tell you what it’s going to be one hell of a meeting when we finally get to see each other again and give each other a hug in real life.
Well there you go I did have enough rattling around in that mind of mine to make up a post for you all. But let me add here just for the record I am so glad that I am living life sober now. If I wasn’t I seriously doubt that our friendship would of developed into the love that it is now. Without making myself vulnerable and open to her we would never of developed the depth in our friendship that it has now. Also without her incredible nature and mind blowing way of making you feel that you really do matter and that she wants to hear everything and that she really cares……. oh where am I going with this….. hmmm oh that’s right without all of that and her encouragement I would not of found the inner strength to reach out and get the help I needed with a therapist. (((Sigh)))) I miss her so much already!!!! But if I was drinking I would not of recognized just how blessed I was to have her reach out to me and to have the sense through a clear mind to grab it with both hands. I have had to learn a lot about good friendship because previously I have pushed them away and some times it has hurt like a bitch but I could not of found a better teacher who has so much love and patience with me.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be now because just the blessings that I have received so far are mind blowing.
My therapist told me the other day that she can tell me about mindfulness and she can show me some but it is something that I need to practice and the more I practice the better I will get at it. I didn’t tell her at that stage that I have been starting to practice it and have been really enjoying them. If someone had explained to me what moments of total peace I can have now that I’m not drinking I would of given up that poison a long time ago. But having experienced it now I also realize that it is really something that can’t be explained you need to FEEL it. And it does take work at first but the longer I stay sober and the more I practice the easier it seems to get. I don’t know how the hell I survived my own thoughts when I was drinking, seriously it just would not stop unless I was drunk as shit. I had to be past the over thinking everything, feeling sorry for myself, making things blow out to 10 times worse than they were stage. Like to the stage when I was drinking myself to falling asleep AKA pass out stage then my mind would stop.
Anyway she explained to sit there and just relax and it was totally up to me if I closed my eyes or if I looked in a certain direction but not really focus on anything. She started to talk me through inhaling and feeling just where in my body do I feel the breath I have inhaled the most. Is it feeling the cooling breath entering my body, or is it feeling it through my nostrils, or as it enters my chest? Which ever point I felt the most impact I needed to focus on the point. I could feel my chest rising and falling and my lungs inflating with the air. I had to try to sit with a clear mind and the only thoughts being on that breath coming in to my chest. Every time a thought came into my mind I had too tell my brain thank you for that thought but we aren’t doing that now and go back to thinking about the air coming in and out of my body. She said that she was going to stop talking soon and have a timer that goes off after 3 minutes so we could see how that felt. After the 3 minutes she asked me how did that make me feel? I explained that it was okay but I could hear the people talking somewhere in the building and could hear a car outside so I had to tell my mind those noises are nothing to me so stop thinking about them and focus on my breathing.
I said I have started something similar that I feel a deeper connection too and explained that in the morning before I even get up I wake up and stretch feeling my body stretch. Then I will lay there and mentally ask my body what do you need from me today? If I have a part of my body that is sore then I know to be kind to that part today. If I feel tired or exhausted when I get up take some vitamins and especially vitamin B. If I have something that is troubling in my mind I will tell myself that it’s okay there is a reason for these feelings and we will work through them while being kind to ourselve. Then I lay there and inhale feeling the breath enter my body, hold it for a bit and then release. With the breath releasing if I am carrying anything mentally I want to let go release it with that breath. Repeat that for 10 times but if I start thinking about something tell my mind no we are not doing that now and start again at number 1 breath and keep doing it until I reach 10 complete without thought interruption. Then I will stretch again, smile and start to count my blessings as I get up and head to the shower. Have to be honest some mornings I get up and started and then think oh shit I forgot, some mornings I struggle to find my blessings, I’m not perfect but the more I practice the easier it is getting.
She suggested that when I am having thoughts that drive me crazy e.g. thoughts of my friends that I have insecure emotions about, try the breathing and calming thoughts exercises. Apparently the more intelligent you are the more your thoughts and insecurities and along with emotions can get going because your brain has the intellect to do so but you can train the brain to stop when asked. I am struggling with it at the moment as I wait for test results for my little dog and this weekend one of my Soul Sisters moves back overseas again and I won’t see her until some time next year now. I am sad and worried and that is making it harder for my mind to find that calm spot.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life I want now.
One of my worst personality traits is my jealousy, talk about a green eyed monster. It is definitely linked to my insecurities (and my financial situation????) from my abandonment issues. It’s like this I love my friends so much and I want them to be happy and I certainly don’t expect them to sit at home waiting for me to call or until we can hang out together. That would be just totally stupid and I want nothing but the best for my friends and want them to be happy, healthy and to have good people around them and loving them while they have good times together. But and here is the part that I hate about myself, I do have times when they are with friends and I see pictures of them having fun or that they tell me about their time together and I get jealous because it’s not me. It’s not me that’s with them and sharing that good time. Total madness right?????
Jealousy – could it be that it is because I am too busy watching other peoples blessings and not spending enough time counting my own?
I am sure I have read a similar saying but I can’t remember where and that is what got me thinking about it. I love my Soul Sisters so, SO much and would seriously do anything for them. I want them to have the best lives so I don’t even understand how I can get jealous of them having a good time with someone else. Instead of being upset and jealous of them having time together I am going to try to focus on just how blessed I am to have them in the first place. I am going to focus on the blessing of the times we do get to spend together. I am going to focus on the blessing that they love me and all of my quirky traits. I am going to focus on the blessing that they have taken the time to get to know me and are willing to accept me for who I am. I am going to focus on the blessing that they understand my abandonment issues and that they are willing to help me work through them.
I am living life sober, raw and real and the emotions do come thick and fast. Previously I would of drunk so I don’t have to feel, I don’t have to deal and I couldn’t give a shit. But now that I am sober I do feel, I am wanting to deal and I cannot express how much I care. I am blessed because I am sober and I can see what matters and what is worth fighting for and my Soul Sisters and worth every single emotion. And they deserve, and shit so do I, to work on things like these and sort them out.
I really need to start thinking about what exactly it is that I need my therapist to help me with. I know I want tools / other alternatives to use rather than drinking when I am stressed or upset or bored or shit whatever else I used to use as a reason to drink. I still think every so often about drinking but don’t really want to so it’s not an over whelming urge in fact at present the idea repulses me. BUT there is a big BUT I have given up previously and once for as long as 2 1/2 – 3 years and I started up again. It did not take long at all until I was back drinking like I used to and then even more it was crazy. I have accepted this time around that I am an alcoholic and always will be. I don’t think not drinking stops you being one does it??? Doesn’t it just mean that you are not an active alcoholic??? That’s how I look at it anyway, I don’t ever want to forget it and let my creative mind convince me of otherwise and trap me into thinking it will be okay to start again and just don’t get carried away. See that’s the problem, I really have a faulty off switch for drinking and tell myself just a couple and then it’s 8 bottles later.
Went off on one there but I need to think about just what do I need help with from her. I also need to do last weeks homework before I go back which is what are the good reasons and things I will be doing becoming an Animal Welfare Inspector.
I do know I still need to work harder on my emotions, the other day I was right up high walking on sunshine and seeing my blessings in every direction I turn. I still see them but I crashed a bit when I stumbled in my dealings with one of my Soul Sisters. Now to her what happened is no big deal but I could feel internally that I was so upset and my heart plummeted even at the start of her message “Now I’m going to be honest here” my heart instantly felt broken and I hadn’t even read the rest of the message yet!!! Far out why can’t I get a grip on relationships and friendships. We have chatted about it and sorted it out but I am quietly still licking my wounds which is so dumb because I know she would never intend to hurt me.
Well I think I just answered my first question and I need to discuss this more with my therapist. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to have such deep relationships before that I panic at the small stuff for fear of losing something I treasure so much????? Oh shit I don’t know but I need to figure it out because honestly the way I get hurt and upset is over the top but it feels like I can’t help it.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the only life for me. There are more and more days when all I see is my blessings but there is still days where I feel like utter shit. I can’t help but feel that this is just how life is, it’s okay but I just need to find away to control my emotions better and not take things to heart so much.