I have to admit that I hate the saying “One day at a time” I just hate the thought that as an alcoholic that I should simply take it day by day with my addiction. I want to see in the future for the rest of my life that there is nothing but sober in front of me. But then I have totally out of the blue lightening bolts like this evening when I was busy doing my volunteer work and I thought to myself “I wouldn’t mind a drink” and as quick as that my mind went “holy fuck what is wrong with you????? There is no way you are going to have a drink!!” Far out thoughts like that are sneaky little fuckers that just pop into your head. My message for you my little alcoholic voice, why don’t you shut the hell up, just for that I am going to tell you just one of the reasons WHY WE ARE NOT GOING TO DRINK.
One of the many exhausting things that I had while drinking was carrying the shame and having to hide my dirty little secret. I loved nothing more than to crack open that first bottle late afternoon and raise it to my lips. I can still remember how my lips would give a little quiver as the coolness of the bottle hit my lips, the smell of the booze entered my nostrils and that thirst quenching alcohol entered my mouth. The lips would always quiver on that first hit. That first bottle would be gone in about 15 minutes (I am talking a stubbie bottle of beer or the later years cider of 330ml) well actually if I was lucky it would last that long. Then the next one would be needed so often I would grab two out of the fridge at once so I didn’t have to get off my big fat arse to grab another one. Now if anyone just popped around and called in it would be such a pain in the arse because I would have to quickly hide the empties and make sure I was just sitting there with only one and no empties beside me or all lined up on the bench. I would of been so ashamed if someone had seen the extent of my drinking. No doubt you have all figured out that it takes more and more to reach the desired effect so I would have to sink around 8 bottles a night to be able to reach out pass out point. Actually just on a side note, how come now I’m not drinking all of this am I now skinny that part is such a rip off. Seriously there is no way I would still be enjoying the taste and it would of all been about feeding my addiction and my addiction to numbing out all feelings and thoughts and being able to pass out. God help anyone if they called, luckily I had caller ID so if it was my parents I would answer but try to say very little for fear of slurring. Shit I must of been dumb because everyone can tell when someone is slurring, oh actually even now when I’m extra tired it can sound like a lazy slur. But anything calls were just left to go to answerphone because I was to worried about people on the other end figuring out my dirty little secret of being a drunk.
Oh first off though was the purchasing of the booze, I have said in earlier posts how I used to drive to different super markets or liquor outlets each night so the people working there didn’t notice that I was going through a box a day. But at the end of all the above was actually getting rid of these empty bottles, yep even that involved shame. A recycle bin would only hold so much and when your bin is the fullest in the street every recycle day. Now on to the crash, smash and bang as it got emptied into the recycle truck magnifies in your ears because you are sure the whole bloody street must hear it. I would sit here and think oh Jesus what must they all think, do the snigger because my drinking habit was worse than their own? Did they think oh poor thing? Did they wonder if they should put an AA brochure in my letter box? Maybe slip a note under the door with all the help phone numbers for alcoholics????? Truth be told they probably took no notice at all but I’m pretty sure I saw my house get some side ways looks as people walked pass and saw the bin out waiting on collection. Then there was the period when I was drinking so much that I would not only use the recycle bin but I would also wrap the empties in newspaper and hide in a plastic rubbish bag for collection.
This is just a very small list of memories of why I never want to drink again. Dear little alcoholic voice please go fuck yourself, life is so much nicer not living with the guilt & shame of living with my dirty little secret. I am living life raw & real and 100% sober and that is exactly how I want it to stay.