Category Archives: Recycle Bin

One of the exhausting things with being an alcoholic

I have to admit that I hate the saying “One day at a time” I just hate the thought that as an alcoholic that I should simply take it day by day with my addiction. I want to see in the future for the rest of my life that there is nothing but sober in front of me. But then I have totally out of the blue lightening bolts like this evening when I was busy doing my volunteer work and I thought to myself “I wouldn’t mind a drink” and as quick as that my mind went “holy fuck what is wrong with you????? There is no way you are going to have a drink!!” Far out thoughts like that are sneaky little fuckers that just pop into your head. My message for you my little alcoholic voice, why don’t you shut the hell up, just for that I am going to tell you just one of the reasons WHY WE ARE NOT GOING TO DRINK.

One of the many exhausting things that I had while drinking was carrying the shame and having to hide my dirty little secret. I loved nothing more than to crack open that first bottle late afternoon and raise it to my lips. I can still remember how my lips would give a little quiver as the coolness of the bottle hit my lips, the smell of the booze entered my nostrils and that thirst quenching alcohol entered my mouth. The lips would always quiver on that first hit. That first bottle would be gone in about 15 minutes (I am talking a stubbie bottle of beer or the later years cider of 330ml) well actually if I was lucky it would last that long. Then the next one would be needed so often I would grab two out of the fridge at once so I didn’t have to get off my big fat arse to grab another one. Now if anyone just popped around and called in it would be such a pain in the arse because I would have to quickly hide the empties and make sure I was just sitting there with only one and no empties beside me or all lined up on the bench. I would of been so ashamed if someone had seen the extent of my drinking. No doubt you have all figured out that it takes more and more to reach the desired effect so I would have to sink around 8 bottles a night to be able to reach out pass out point. Actually just on a side note, how come now I’m not drinking all of this am I now skinny that part is such a rip off. Seriously there is no way I would still be enjoying the taste and it would of all been about feeding my addiction and my addiction to numbing out all feelings and thoughts and being able to pass out. God help anyone if they called, luckily I had caller ID so if it was my parents I would answer but try to say very little for fear of slurring.  Shit I must of been dumb because everyone can tell when someone is slurring, oh actually even now when I’m extra tired it can sound like a lazy slur. But anything calls were just left to go to answerphone because I was to worried about people on the other end figuring out my dirty little secret of being a drunk. 

Oh first off though was the purchasing of the booze, I have said in earlier posts how I used to drive to different super markets or liquor outlets each night so the people working there didn’t notice that I was going through a box a day. But at the end of all the above was actually getting rid of these empty bottles, yep even that involved shame. A recycle bin would only hold so much and when your bin is the fullest in the street every recycle day. Now on to the crash, smash and bang as it got emptied into the recycle truck magnifies in your ears because you are sure the whole bloody street must hear it. I would sit here and think oh Jesus what must they all think, do the snigger because my drinking habit was worse than their own? Did they think oh poor thing? Did they wonder if they should put an AA brochure in my letter box? Maybe slip a note under the door with all the help phone numbers for alcoholics????? Truth be told they probably took no notice at all but I’m pretty sure I saw my house get some side ways looks as people walked pass and saw the bin out waiting on collection. Then there was the period when I was drinking so much that I would not only use the recycle bin but I would also wrap the empties in newspaper and hide in a plastic rubbish bag for collection.

This is just a very small list of memories of why I never want to drink again. Dear little alcoholic voice please go fuck yourself, life is so much nicer not living with the guilt & shame of living with my dirty little secret. I am living life raw & real and 100% sober and that is exactly how I want it to stay.

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Over the 1 week mark

This is going to be boring for you all but I have to put this down – Today was rubbish day and I did not have to put out my recycle bin!!!! Seriously every Friday morning before work has been my cringing morning of shame. As the recycle truck comes up our road grabbing each bin on the way you could hear a bit of banging and a bit of clinking as peoples bin’s got emptied into the sorting pit on the truck. MY bin however was enough to wake up the whole neighborhood with the crashing sound of a full bin of empty bottles. It felt like it was yelling at the neighbors alcoholic here at number ## and that they were all going tisk tisk and shaking their heads (the reality is they probably couldn’t of given a shit). I used to wrap every bottle in newspaper and put it in the rubbish bag so that it just got heaved into the rubbish truck and save the embarrassment of the recycle truck. I have not done that for years because my greenie side just couldn’t let my habit not recycle. Anyway today I didn’t even have to put out the recycle bin as there was on 5 items in it and not a single cider bottle. It’s the small things that are really big things to ourselves. If your on this journey with me or you stumble across this while wanting to start a sober journey or you are a few days in, hang in there, you can do it. It is not easy it is fucken hard but so is being a quitter and feeling the disappointment in yourself all over again.

Crazy Train is Pulling Out of The Station

One of my earlier posts gave an insight to just how crazy the mind can go when you are not allowing it to have something it is screaming out for. It is the best thing for it but the brain is so powerful and can make up so many convincing arguments about why it would be okay to just give in and keep drinking. I am at that stage now and I am trying to fight back the thoughts and see them for what they really are the addict part of my brain trying its hardest to have it’s way. I will try to put some of these down later but have to get to work for now. I will say a couple of things I wish that our supermarkets and dairy’s did not sell alcohol. I needed food last night and had no choice but to go to the supermarket and even my mouth started to flow with saliva just walking past and looking up the alcohol aisle. I am also hoping that next rubbish day I don’t have the loudest crashing bottle sound as the collectors empty my bin into their truck and having the whole neighborhood hearing it as it got tipped in. Sorry told you my thoughts are all over the place.

Booze bottle free re-cycle bin.

Okay I have to share the final post on my recycle bin which lasted me eight whole weeks before I had to put it out people. There was not an alcohol bottle insight, or in it. To go from a bin that was over flowing with cider bottles that was heavy to carry out to what you see here which was light as hell to carryout just highlighted to me how far I have come. Normally all you can hear echoing from the recycle truck is the sound of crashing glass as it is tipped into the truck. While this is happening and if I was at home I would internally be cringing as I thought how loud that was and that the neighborhood would be chuckling thinking yep that house is our streets pisshead. It never really occurred to me that they probably couldn’t give a shit and it was my own shame making a big deal out of the amount of empty bottles I put out each week. Sorry guys this is probably getting very boring to read now and you have probably switch off and stopped reading anyway but I wanted to add it here. This bin is important to me on my journey and I wanted to record this moment.

 

8 Weeks / 50 Days Sober – 22 June First Dry Day

Yay I figured out how to add the post from Facebook for you all.

Well here we are I an getting ready to head to bed at the end of my 50th day without a drink. For some reason I feel flat tonight. There is so much that drifts in and out of my head that I think “wow that is important I must share it on my blog” but I haven’t. Sometimes I think that what I think is just not normal and some things are just darn painful and other things I think no one is gonna want to read that shit. Well just in typing this I have remembered some things that I was going to share so here they are sorry if they bore you but I have to get them out of my head.

Something was posted on Facebook this week about never letting your pets die alone, stick with them till the end etc (if I ever figure out how to share pictures I will put it on here) anyway I shared with others that I have been with everyone of my pets till the end and have let them pass over knowing that they are loved and thanked them for sharing their time on earth with me except for one. Missy was my first dog, she was a beautiful Black Labrador with an amazing happy nature. Anyway I was not with her when she died because my ex shot her. That’s right the man that I loved for 15 years shot her. I left him after finding out that he was screwing around on me and had actually managed to get another girl pregnant. He wanted me back but I refused as this was not the first time he had cheated on me, one can only bang their head against a wall for so long. I was a fool and we had a few get together’s that should never of happened and when I saw the light I told him it was over. My dog was the daughter of his dog and as they had been together for all of their lives I had to make the hard decision to leave her with her mother and him. Anyway long story short he did the one thing that he knew would hurt me the most for rejecting him and that was shooting and killing my dog. I had no idea that he could kill her as in all the time we where together he was great with the animals. Our relationship had slowly broken down as he got heavier and heavier into drinking and smoking pot and looking back now I can see that he was not the same man that I fell in love with. This is one very sad thing from my past that has come back to haunt me this week.

Is it possible for a person to have too much empathy for others? I am starting to get majorly depressed about what is happening in Ukraine. The other morning I was watching the news before going to work and there was a clip that showed small children and a few adults in a school. They where sitting there crying and some of the littlest ones where calling for their Mum’s who there is a really good chance they will never see again. Their pain was real and raw the sadness in those faces was terrible, their grief unimaginable. Then a bomb went of right outside the building their faces in an instance changed from grief to total terror. They all jumped up and scattered in all directions, stopped and looked around and realized they did not know where to run and that they had been running away from each other. The clip stopped there but the images on their faces has stayed with me. I left for work thinking I had just witnessed the next generation of fighters because all they have known is sadness and fear why wouldn’t you fight back out of anger for something like this.

At work I am one of the Managers and we have some staff that are going through very tough patches in their lives. I have to listen to their problems as they explain why they are unable to do their jobs and I sit there almost crying with some of the painful things they are going through. Now I don’t want to dwell on this bit for to long because it is not my story to tell.

My point is that I feel their pain, I seem to take on board other people’s pain and stress and without alcohol I am having trouble shaking it away. Why do I take on board other people’s pain and emotions? This week I have had thoughts about taking up drinking again because when I am drinking I forget about all of the sad shit. The next day it takes me a while to recover fully and I don’t take on the burden then either because I am to busy getting through my work load. Now that my mind is clearer I am finding that sometimes it is not always best. I do not think about drinking as much so this is a good thing. I still haven’t emptied my recycle bin (I think I will take a photo of it before I put it out at the road side hahaha). I have so many good and positive things in my life but how do I stop feeling so much?

Day 36 – Alcohol, dear alcohol you are not part of my plans anymore AND I AM NOT SORRY.

Well hello fellow bloggers how are you all doing? How are your journeys going, I enjoy reading about your travels on this road of sobriety as it helps me while I travel my own path.

Here I am Day 36 and still sober and I want to thank each and everyone of you that said hang in there you will start to feel better after a month. Well I do feel like I am making progress and there have been a few things I measure this by and thank for it.

Last Sunday night I was in bed tucked up ready to thank the world for all my blessings before saying night, night to it and all of a sudden a thought hit me totally out of the blue. On weekends I normally do not work (as in paid employment that is, we all know we have all those other jobs and tasks to complete) and I always try to take my dogs to a puppy play date at our local park. This is where a few of us locals all with smaller breed dogs meet up at a set time for our dogs to play and burn off their energy while learning great socializing skills. Not only does it have benefits for all the dogs but I know for myself and for many others there that it is also great for our own socializing skills and I enjoy it just as much as my dogs. Anyway once again I am getting off the point (sorry my mind still wanders, sometimes right off out of the room) ANYWAYS when I was walking my dogs back home afterwards I would always smile and think about getting home and cracking open my ciders and relaxing for the rest of my evening. It was a ritual, jobs & tasks, puppy play date followed by home and crack open a cider while preparing dinner for my dogs and myself. Then I would blob out for the rest of the evening relaxing and drinking the night away. This time it wasn’t until I was in bed that I thought to myself HOLY SHIT I DID NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING HOME AND HAVING THAT DRINK. I HAD COOKED DINNER, EATEN AND WATCHED SOME TV WHILE POSTING LOST & FOUND PETS ON A FACEBOOK PAGE I VOLUNTEER FOR AND THEN GONE TO BED. I HAD NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A DRINK, NOT ONCE UNTIL I RESTED IN BED AND THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Well I just about shot out of bed out of shock from realizing the fact, holy cow I didn’t think that it was possible. Well I don’t think I am bringing it up in my thoughts as often so that is a huge step forward for me.

My recycle bin, come on you know I couldn’t go without mentioning the Recycle Bin it signifies so much for me. Well once again it did not get put out to the kerb (might have to next week) and it now holds – 9 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 2 X Conditioner Bottle’s 1 x Empty Tomatoes Tin & 1 x Disinfectant Bottle. It is sitting on 3/4 full now so this is a massive improvement on my almost overflowing bin I used to put out that had a couple of things in it that were not alcohol and they were always on top (as if it would hide what a pisshead I was lol  was I stupid). My recycle bin tells a story about the new chapter in my life all on its own.

There is something else that I am really enjoying here now that I have decided to not drink and that is I do not put myself through the stress of trying to balance an already tight budget and make a huge portion of it available to make sure I have enough alcohol to last me through to the next pay day. Seriously this fortnight I have my house rates, dog registration, car registration, warrant of fitness for my car, my car needing 2 new tyres before it will get that warrant of fitness. The following fortnight I have a BIG power bill from trying to keep warm and wash and dry my clothes during the storm along with my insurances due as well. Fuck My Life normally this would drive me to drink but not this time. This time I am thinking thank god I am not drinking otherwise I would have a huge panic going on right now trying to work out how I could pay all of these and still eat for the fortnight. It is going to be tight and hard because I have no savings thanks to guzzling them all down my throat but this also has me focused. I don’t want to go back to drinking and be living from pay day to pay day like I am now. I want to focus and when I get these bills all sorted my next plan is to focus on paying off my personal loan and THEN build up a savings account for months like these. And ALCOHOL dear alcohol you just don’t fit into the plan and I AM NOT SORRY.

 

Tomorrow is my 1st Month down staying sober anniversary!!!

Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.

Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.

This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.

Finishing this one off with more positives –

  • My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
  • My concentration spans are lasting longer.
  • I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
  • I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
  • My dog’s are happier with the new me.

Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.

As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.

Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.

Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.