I have been thinking a LOT about friendship and trying to figure out some things and one thing I have decided is that people are really made up of layers. Current, what they want the general public to see, what they are willing to share with friends and family and then what they are comfortable to trust with a few and then things they hope never surface again. I think that there is also different types of friendships and that some can peel back layers others can’t and vice versa. This probably sounds awfully messy and I am sorry I need to get this out of my head and am just going to do a rambly, messy post to get it out and may repost tomorrow when I make more sense of it all as I read this.
I have been trying really hard to make a few friends and step out of my comfort zone in hope that I will feel a connection to at least one and to feel that they feel the same about me. This is what has got me thinking about the layers and I think it is a privilege to have anyone peel a layer back with you. I also find myself wondering that if people are prepared to peel them back are you in turn expected to peel back one of your own???
Seriously friendships are so confusing, I have this habit of basically falling so hard in love with my friends and I want to show them I love them because I believe in the “we are never promised tomorrow” but I worry that my style can be a bit over powering for people.
Anyway this rambling has helped download some from my brain enough that I will be able to hopefully word it better very soon. Just for the record I am still sober lol this is not a drunkin pondering post.
“Piglet?” said Pooh.
“Yes Pooh?” said Piglet.
“Do you ever have days when everything feels… Not Very Okay At All? And sometimes you don’t even know why you feel Not Very Okay At All, you just know that you do.”
Piglet nodded his head sagely. “Oh yes,” said Piglet. “I definitely have those days.”
“Really?” said Pooh in surprise. “I would never have thought that. You always seem so happy and like you have got everything in life all sorted out.”
“Ah,” said Piglet. “Well here’s the thing. There are two things that you need to know, Pooh. The first thing is that even those pigs, and bears, and people, who seem to have got everything in life all sorted out… they probably haven’t. Actually, everyone has days when they feel Not Very Okay At All. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
“And the second thing you need to know… is that it’s okay to feel Not Very Okay At All. It can be quite normal, in fact. And all you need to do, on those days when you feel Not Very Okay At All, is come and find me, and tell me. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide the fact you’re feeling Not Very Okay At All. Always come and tell me. Because I will always be there.”
I am surrounded by people that I know love me but at the same time I am getting so damn frustrated and angry at them. I really feel the need for a friend that will just sit down and listen. I don’t need anything more than that but to just have someone listen and hear what I need to say. I need a really good girlfriend night where what we do is sit and and bitch and moan about things in our life’s that are pissing us off right now. Then we can both sit there and go “I know right” to everything we both say. I am a really good listener and have always been the friend that people come do when they feel the need to just talk and be listened too. At the moment I just need someone to take the time to listen to me and hear my struggles. Then I would love them to say “hang in there buddy this is just a bad patch and it won’t be long and you will look back and say whew I made it and things are so much better”. But no one is listening, when did it become such a rarity to stop and listen, really listen not listen while thinking about something else, not listen to the start and then cut the person off while you decide that your story needs to be told instead.
I realized that I would feel better if I reached out to a friend and just let it all out but it just isn’t working for me. I am not the sort of person that opens up to people and pours my heart out but at the moment I feel the strong need for some support. I asked 2 friends to come out to dinner and when I was asked how things where going I started to tell them and was cut off by one of the friends telling my about how she was experiencing something similar with her daughter and proceeded to go off on a 20 minute rant about it. I sat there almost in tears because it hurt and felt like what I had to say really didn’t matter. I have another friend who I have always been there for and when she is going through shit I always message her to see that she is okay and check in on her often. I ran into her the other day and she asked how things where going so I filled her in briefly on what was happening. I would of thought that this friend would of taken the time to message a couple of days later to see how things where going but a month later nothing. This one makes me feel that the friendship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me. I tried briefly at work to talk to some friends / colleges to once again be cut off as one of them went on a roll telling us all about an experience she had with her son.
Why do we do this to people? This makes me sound like a big moaner that people are sick of listening to but I can assure you that I don’t share things with people I normally as a rule keep it to myself. At the moment is a very rough patch and I feel like if I could find a shoulder to cry on I could get up shake myself off and find the strength to move on. Instead I have been left feeling flat and unloved and like I don’t matter.
Well I had my chat with my friend and now realise just why she is my best friend / sister. I was stupid to think that she would ever just turn her back on me in the first place. She knew that something was wrong and when I explained it all to her I felt so much better. I stumbled a bit trying to explain things to her but got there in the end. Just the fact that I have been open with her and no longer pushing her away because I am ashamed of the thoughts in my head has made it so much better. I don’t have to hide things from her because she is so supportive and it was a great relief. She is an amazing friend and is the sort that can just sense when things aren’t right with me. One of the reasons why I didn’t share with her is that I felt like I was being a drama queen and so full of self pity that I had no right to burden someone else with all my shit. She explained that everyone has the right to their feelings. She was so glad that I came and talked to her about it all but was saddened to think that I was thinking like I have been.
Another great thing that has made me feel better is talking to my boss (who has become more of a friend and is transfering so I thought it was okay to talk to him) and explaining how it felt like I was stuffing up lately and not getting through my work and it was upsetting to me. He came back with “man you set the bar so high for your work standard and I am so hard on myself. He also asked did I realize that I was doing the work load of what other stores have 2-3 people covering? He said that I was amazing and that it wouldn’t take us long to catch it all up if we worked together”. This made me feel so much better as I hadn’t realized this and I was so greatful that we have worked together and by the end of the week we will be right back up to date.
I guess as a round up to this all, never underestimate your friends, if they are true friends they will understand.
What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.