Can I just say that it is so nice hearing from you guys on here, especially when you have been absent for quite a while. I totally understand the need to break away from this if that is what your sober journey requires. For myself I have found previously that if I do that I tend to just start remembering the good parts of the drinking and then some shit has gone down. Funny but that is not the time I normally drink but afterwards, when I have held my shit together for so long just to get through what ever is happening and then at the end of it I just want to numb the hell out of life for a while. Not at all healthy I tell you but in my typical style I’m drifting off from what I was originally going to put here.
I do worry (not in a OMGosh lets fret about this sort of way) when some of you disappear for a while. I know that if I was back drinking I probably wouldn’t be on here and it’s a worry born of that, pretty shit I know thinking that but it’s a reality that is possible. Anyway a big smile comes on my face when a name that has been absent for a while makes an appearance. Take last night when “Feelings” were down and out just the kind words from someone that had been missing for a while perked me up.
Just wanted to share that because I don’t have a great deal to say tonight. Oh with relation to last nights post I am thinking maybe trying to join a gym again to A. lose the weight & B to maybe meet some new people MAYBE, I have never been a big person on let’s meet and greet in the gym I’m normally to busy working out. But we will see I’m going to look at my budget on the weekend and see if I can afford it, if not I’m walking the streets and dancing in my lounge and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. I am still sad about my friend being away for months at a time but today I found a Silver Lining in it ~ I’ve never had a person that is living in New York care about me before 🙂 silly I know but hey I am trying so hard to find positives. I think it bites so hard because the people I have got in my Tribe are either overseas or extremely busy. I know if I need them they will be there how ever they can in a heart beat and I’m exactly the same for them. A part of me wants nearby friends that aren’t always busy but another part of me doesn’t want people always popping around or wanting to hang out. Yep socially I’m more than a little bit fucked up.
Living life sober, raw & real, tonight is back to being 100% worth it. I don’t always like feeling the sad, mad type of emotions but I feel stronger for working through them. I really do love my friends and thank them so much for putting up with my shit as I first break down and crumble and then are still with me as I start to see the positives again. I really can carry on like Cookie Monster after someone ate his cookies!! XOX
Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.
My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.
I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.
How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment? I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.
What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.