I have something concerning me at the moment, well more than one thing but this is the one I need to write about. My mind is a crazy, amazing, exciting & scary place. There are parts of my life that I just don’t remember and no matter how hard I try it doesn’t just come back to me but rather small bits here and there. I have discussed this with my therapist and there is a chance that my mind is protecting me and there is a chance that I might never remember it all.
This has me thinking about something now, if my mind is capable of blocking my memory from things in order to protect it isn’t it possible that it is also capable of using it’s imagination to protect it? So where do you cross over from reality to imagination in this level of protection? Hmm might be a question for my therapist, I don’t think I’m making anything up but apart from going and asking the people involved (which wouldn’t be safe) I have no way of confirming my story and seeing if there are any blurred lines.
I often think of my past and my history and think how the hell did I survive, I’m not questioning that it happened because I have the aftermath to deal with that I know in my soul what it has been through. One way to explain it is if you’ve ever been in a crappy relationship and yet you are wearing blinkers and refusing to see just how shit it was. It might be that your protecting yourself, a loved one, a pet anything that you treasure in your heart and don’t want to get hurt in the aftermath. So you just overwhelm yourself with the good things, down play the bad things and your mind crosses over between reality and imagination that it is a loving relationship in order to cope. Not even sure if I’m making sense to you all here now so might have to think about this one a bit more and hopefully be able to word it better for you.
I was interested to see some comments the other day on one of my posts about how our relationships change with our friends once we stop drinking. It certainly did for me and it was really a combination of me and them that brought about that change. Previously we would get together and we would all drink and socialize but I wouldn’t stop there I would always have or get more booze so that I could keep going when I got home. While drinking with my friends I would be one of those people that was always a friendly drunk but I was a funny drunk as well and we would always have a good time. My next level after being funny was just being quiet and doing what is still one of my favorite hobbies of people watching. Once I turned sober I started avoiding situations that would put me around alcohol so stopped socializing with my friends. We did meet up a few times but funny enough we didn’t relax and I wasn’t as funny and entertaining for them. Truth be known I am funny and in fact I was funnier and actually made sense but I don’t think that is the type of entertainment my friends wanted. Not sure how to explain it but we just had a hang out, relax, have some fun and drink nights nothing heavy and certainly nothing bonding like the amazing friendships I have now. Now that I am happily sober I can be around alcohol and it doesn’t bother me, if anything watching the effect I see it have on people the more I hate it. But I have tried hanging with these friends and I get bored out of my tree. They talk shit and get drunk and there is so much more I would rather be doing. I still consider these people friends but our lives are on different paths now and I have decided to take a different path to them now.
I’m sure most of you would of read previously how freakin amazing my Soul Sisters are and just how great our relationships are. We lift each other up and support each other and also encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves. We accept and love each other for just who we are, no fakeness, no bullshit. We have very indepth and interesting conversations and I love it. Seriously life is just so much better without alcohol in it and I am much happier and comfortable without anxiety to sit around and drink coffee now a days. Once done I am still able to do what ever I want and I don’t waste time the next morning getting over a night out.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life and I am damn happy about that.
I don’t have the time to come on here as much as I used to nor as much as I want to anymore. I think I do my best thinking first thing in the morning and often have moments of pure brilliance and come up with such wisdom but com evening and time to write on here gone, nothing, blank. I was thinking what should I write more about on here as there seems to be a few and I bounce all over the place, alcoholic, rape, debt, goals, diet, fitness, exercise ummm what else vulnerability, friends, family, therapy etc, etc, etc. But I have decided to just keep being me and what ever is passing through my mind at the time that is what I will write about. This blog is to get things out of my mind and if it helps others that is a bonus. If anyone has questions they want to ask I’m a pretty direct person and will answer. Oh if there is something that anyone would like me to write about further please feel free to ask that as well.
Writing that has made me realize that I am much more settled in my mind, previously my mind was all over the place and depression and self loath was at a very high and dangerous level. Now at almost 500 days sober I get on here and think I have nothing, nothing I have the energy to write about. Previously there would of been many, many negative thoughts in a day and picking a subject was easy but not now. Don’t get me wrong I still have negative thoughts and still beat myself up but I am getting so much better. Thank God I am living a sober life and my mental health is improving so much. There is depression but I think I would call it more sadness and no bloody wonder with what has been brought out of the suitcases in my mind. I still struggle with self love but I do not have self hate anymore. It has been a very long time since a have had suicidal thoughts in fact now I want to live. I have so much to be grateful for and I have so much to offer towards good in this world.
Living life sober, raw and real…………….. yep it is SO much better. I never, ever want to go back to that way of living again because it’s not living it is just turning up everyday and I was miserable.
Well today is my anniversary and I have now been sober for 15 months AND it feels fucken amazing. I honestly would not of believed someone if they had told me you are going to become sober and your actually going to end up loving it and not be able to imagine yourself living any other way. Now keeping up with my tradition here is my list of 15 things (1 for each month) I enjoy now I’m living life sober.
Life – I love living my life, seriously I was just letting it pass me by in my drinking days.
Counting Blessings – I have so many blessings all around me at any given moment on any given day. I simply failed to notice them while I was drinking.
Amazing Friends – Being sober and hanging with your friends WITHOUT alcohol totally takes things to a whole new deep and meaningful level. You honestly get to know the real YOU and the real THEM.
Dreaming – I love day dreaming and being relaxed enough without anxiety to be able to dream, I have some freakin amazing ideas that come from taking the time to dream.
Dealing With Pain – Sounds odd I know but bear with me, had I not got sober and had I not had an amazing friend (refer # 3) who suggested therapy and I would not of realized that it is NOT my friends job to heal me and deal with past junk. It is my job and it was my job to go out and find myself a good therapist who helped me deal finally face past pain. Friends can HELP but its not their job to sort everything out.
Freedom – I can get in my car and drive myself anywhere 24/7 I don’t have to wait until I’m not drinking or feel that I am sober enough to drive.
Acceptance – I used to drink so I didn’t feel things basically to numb and block things out. Now I want to feel it all including the bad, if I’m not willing to feel the bad I am not leaving room for the good to come in.
Goals – I know how many 50 year old people do you know that don’t or haven’t had any goals???? I have never had goals or dreams or visions to aim for in the future. The future was just something I didn’t think about as I was too busy just planning getting to the next bottle.
Excitement – I am excited for my future especially my career, I can’t wait until I can start my studies next year and then working as an Animal Welfare Inspector. If just makes so much sense my current job doesn’t anymore.
Awareness – Being sober it is like someone has opened my eyes and shown me that I am capable of so much more, I can do so much better for myself.
Improved Health – I am still on blood pressure medication but while I was drinking heavily for years even that was only just keeping it below the danger level. Now without drinking my BP is the lowest I can ever remember it being since they started recording it.
Self Love – I’m not quite there yet with this one but I have come a bloody long way from hating myself and thinking I was not worthy, I am fucken worthy and I would say I like myself.
No Desire – I really don’t have any desire to drink anymore and I just don’t see the point nor can I see a reason that would make me think it would be a good idea for me to start again NOTHING, NO REASON.
Self Care – I am a people pleaser and I used to find it extremely hard to say NO. to anything they would ask me to do for fear of upsetting them. This came at a cost to myself and I have learnt that in order to be a good person to others I have to look after myself first.
Peace & Calmness – Inner peace and calm is the most incredible feeling and while drinking you just don’t get to experience them. When I was drinking I thought it was when I reached the point that I had drunk just the right amount to feel nothing and be totally numb, that point just before you get totally depressed and start self hating and loathing before passing out. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL NOR IS IT CALM.
I often find myself pondering just how much alcohol is out there and for people giving it up or have given it up there are always reminders every single day.
Right from a tender age it is often something that we view and see as an “adult” drink and which youngster isn’t busting their arse to be considered an adult? Once you turn 18 years of age in New Zealand you are legally allowed to purchase alcohol but there is no minimum legal drinking age. Just typing that my mind is thinking that is crazy, you can get a special licence to start learning to drive once you hit 16 years of age. You can’t join the Army until you are 17 years of age. How can we not have an age restriction on being able to consume alcohol, how is that even possible?
It feels like our adult lives are built around it. Invite friends around for a BBQ and it is expected that it involves beer, wine and as the hours pass something stronger. Go out for dinner and you are always presented with the wine list so you can select a suitable pre-dinner wine then after ordering they will suggest something that will compliment your meal. Get a promotion at work, lets all go for a celebration drink. It’s your birthday, lets celebrate with a drink or ten.
All the advertising I see is with happy smiling people who are having a wonderful time. Over here they sell it where ever you can get a wholesaler licence, corner dairies, supermarkets, bottle stores, online it is everywhere. I remember when I first stopped drinking I actually started ordering my groceries online and having it delivered to home so that I didn’t have to walk past all the booze for sale in the supermarket.
Shit I want to start up some of our own advertising and put up billboards with the true story. I think when I was giving up it would of been so much easier if it was like tobacco over here which can’t be advertised, the actual packets of ciggies cannot be visible and have to be kept hidden in a cupboard and shoppers ask for them. Then when they do get them there are health warnings all over them and really gross photos e.g. rotten lungs etc. Imagine if the did that with booze?
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me.
Last night someone asked me exactly that question – “What finally made you stop drinking?” And as I typed my answer I don’t think I have told the below to you all and it is a very important part of my journey so I wanted to make sure it was documented in here. Below is my answer –
I wish I could pin point just one thing for you but it wasn’t a light bulb moment or anything like that. I was sick and tired of drinking, I sat in a supermarkets car park crying because I wanted to go home but didn’t have any booze at home. My wages should of gone in but they hadn’t and I couldn’t afford it until they did. I sat there refreshing my bank account on my phone until it got later and later wishing that money in. It was starting to get dark and I wanted to go home even more, I wanted to close the door to this shitty world and my addiction and just be with my dogs and drinking so I could forget about how sad and desperate I felt sitting in my car right then. Finally I left the car park without the booze and went home crying. I sat there thinking how pathetic I was and knew that it was time, I had warning signs like while walking the dogs I could feel the heart palpitations and would seriously worry that I would drop dead. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on strong medication for that. I felt desperate, trapped, alone and my option was either suicide or try again to stop drinking. Thank fully I choose the stop drinking option because it wasn’t until I had been sober for a while that I could actually start to see the benefits of being sober. I hope that helps and am more than happy to answer any other questions you might have. XOX
I really had reached a point were I just couldn’t face living like I was anymore. I was so depressed and it wasn’t rare to have suicidal thoughts and make plans to do exactly that. I had been living like this for so long I really had nothing to lose by trying living life sober instead. I’m not an expert and there are other people that have more knowledge than me on the subject of addiction and alcoholism. But if there is any part of my journey that you think might help you in your journey feel free to ask me about it. I’m pretty freakin open and honest about it all. I seriously believe that one way to make good the shitty parts of my life is by using them to help others if I can.