Category Archives: going sober

A place to just be…….

This image is MY spot when I am feeling stressed, over whelmed, confused, fucked off, lonely, sad, angry etc, etc, etc. I seriously can’t sit up there (any yep I sit up there with my legs fully crossed, arms resting on my legs, straight back) and not find my calm. It is surrounded by bush and you can smell the bush, hear the bird song and the occasional other animal calling. You can hear other people sometimes if they are being loud, like the big mouth loud person that was way down the bottom sitting outside the cafe but after a while of me just sitting and just being I don’t even hear them.

I am very slowly learning the art of meditation, when I say slowly I seriously have the concentration span of a Chimpanzee (they have a 20 second attention span by the way). I often sit there and go breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat. I get to doing this about 3 times and then think hmm do I need to stop and get something anything for dinner???? Holy shit STOP IT, stop thinking, breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat then wonder what I will find waiting for me at work tomorrow, STOP IT!!!! okay, okay I can do this start again……. you know when that friend said that, I wonder what they meant because I took it this way but it could also mean that way, STOP IT fucken hell your getting ridiculous now!!! Okay I can do this, let’s start again ……………… no, no don’t start thinking, let it go……………….I can manage a minute or two and even that feels surprisingly good. Hey when I first started it was a miracle if I got to 30 seconds without giving up.

This bush is at an old quarry site and also has the most amazing tropical garden, this is my go to place when I need to escape or if I have things that I am struggling with and my busy mind is twisting it. This place slows it all down and lets me think (or not think when I do the above) in a much more relaxed state.

Guess what????? I probably never would of found this place NOR bothered to visit it had I still been drinking. Yet another pure pleasure I have from living life sober, raw & real, God I love being sober.

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Getting Excited Now

I don’t know why but this time around sober I am excited that my one year anniversary. It’s less than a month away now and I’ve never bothered to celebrate it previously in my sober journeys (yep this is not the first time around for me, nor the second etc) but this time around I feel totally different about being sober than I have every other time. Having never celebrated it previously makes doing it this time seem even more important to me.

So today I ordered a new charm for my bracelet and it’s super cute and inside it says “Be Yourself” and that for me is how I want to be forever. I want to be my authentic self, not what someone else wants me to be, not what I think I should be for people, just being ME. Around my friends I want to be myself and not worry that I am to much for them (I love hard and I’m not afraid to show it). I don’t want to have to worry about sounding dumb or that my opinion doesn’t count because I am smarter than I give myself credit for and if I have an opinion then it must count.

I’m also trying to get together with a couple of girlfriends for something like a celebration lunch and would be so excited if we manage it. Hopefully they are both in the country at the same time and we can work around everyone’s work commitments. Anna!!!! I wish you were here so you could come and complete my Soul Sister Tribe ❤

I think previously I have been rather blase about my sober journey and I think, well actually I know that it was because I was always giving myself the option to drink again at anytime like it didn’t matter.

Living life sober, raw & real is the best gift I have given myself BUT it is also the gift I must never take for granted and always realize the importance of staying on this sober journey.

It’s Not Magic But Being Sober Sure Feels Like It.

Well today marked my eleventh month anniversary so in my normal style I am marking it by coming up with eleven reasons why being sober really does feel like magic. I have included things that ARE better and things that I am working on to be better. NONE of these would of been possible had I not given up drinking. This list is not in any particular order.

  1. LIFE –Living under the hazy cloud of being an alcoholic isn’t living, I was just turning up and going through the motions with very little feeling involved.
  2. FEELINGS- The GOOD & the BAD emotions, I’m feeling them both now and sadly it’s impossible to have one without the other but that’s okay because I am dealing with them and no longer burying them.
  3. FREEDOM – I was a prisoner of my own making with my drinking. Once I got home from work or that magic 5pm on the weekends happened it was time to crack open a couple of bottles (the first one always went to fast) then the next etc. After those first 2 I was always too nervous to drive anywhere (thank God) but now if I want to go somewhere I can at any time.
  4. AUTHENTICITY – I am working on this one this year and want to be true to myself. I simply want to be myself not what others want me to be.
  5. MOTIVATION – Living a life where all you do is drink, sleep, go to work repeat really sucks. Now I find myself motivated to do more and be more.
  6. BONDING – Okay sure you have friends when you are drinking and they can be awesome people BUT when you are an alcoholic you really do shy away from having friends because you don’t want them knowing your dirty little secret. Now I have made a few new friends who I treasure so much. We have bonded on a much deeper level because I’m not hiding anything. I’m not worried about getting away from them so I can go home and drink more on my own (don’t want them to see just what a lush I really am now).
  7. INTEGRITY – I believe that I have more integrity now living my life sober. If I say I am going to attend something or do something I actually turn up and do it, previously I would of found a reason to be a no show purely so I could stay home and drink.
  8. HONESTY – With my super duper friends I am living a life of pure honesty and it is so much easier. There are things in my past that I am not going to share with just anyone but to these Soul Sisters I am totally honest and open. It really does make things so much easier because I think it also helps them understand me and my insecurities a lot better rather than just think I’m an insecure pain in the arse they understand why I have certain traits that I do. It is so much easier being honest because I don’t have to try to remember how much have I told them etc. If they have a question they know they can ask and if I’m not comfortable answering I will explain why I can’t yet.
  9. CLEANLINESS – I have noticed that my house is a lot cleaner because I actually have spare time on my hands to do things like housework. I’m talking more than just the basic laundry, vacuum, wash dishes. Things that I used to just put up with now I look at and I have the energy and time to fix it.
  10. TIME – Without sitting here drinking every night until I pass out and then wake up feeling like crap in the morning after a terrible nights sleep I find myself with a lot more time on my hands. It is amazing, no that’s not the right word it is fucken exhausting all the time and energy put into drinking at the level I did. Not just the drinking but the time wasted dealing with the side effects of drinking. I love days when I wake up early and I love seeing the sun rise, although I don’t get to do it that often because I am also a night owl BUT now I have the option if I want to I can.
  11. FRIENDS – Okay I have touched on this a bit in the honesty and bonding but the best gift I have received out of going sober (apart from sobriety itself because that fucken rocks! ) is my Soul Sisters and the love we share. They know my journey and they support me, love me and are there for me. In turn I am always here for them and love them and will always be here for them because they are now my chosen Sisters. The best gift is to be needed and in turn have them be there for you. These friendships are not based on drinking and partying, in fact I have never had an alcoholic drink with any of them now I think about it. These friendships run so much deeper because we really do enjoy each others company and love deep and meaningful conversations. I don’t know about all of you but I have never had such deep friendships with my drinking buddies.

Okay excuse any typo’s in here because I really am tired but it was important that I got this done today. I have absolutely no regrets at all for deciding to live life sober and fully intend to remain sober for the rest of my life. Living life sober, raw & real is exactly how I want to live and exactly how I am living. Now I have a month to decide what I’m going to do for my 1 year sober date 🙂 I have asked 2 of the Soul Sisters if we can do something and they have both said hell yes, well not in those words but you know what I mean. Hopefully it works out because with them both going overseas having busy schedules it might not so I might have to find another way to celebrate but I can promise you right now no matter what I do I will not be touching any alcohol for this celebration and I’m bloody happy about that.

It’s the Little things Alcohol Erodes in Your Life

You now how with alcohol you drink the first one that fast because, you know your real thirsty and all that? Like so fast that you grab two drinks at once so you don’t have to get up again in 5 mins to grab the second one? Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking alcohol because  the first one really quenches the thirst anyway and it isn’t full of ethanol  (which surprisingly isn’t addictive itself) which causes a chemical reaction in our brains which in turn leads us back to wanting more & more and is one of the reasons that it turns to addiction. 

You know how you keep drinking and have to keep running back and forwards to the toilet to pee (well that was how it was for me while chucking back the ciders or beers) pretty much after the third bottle you had to go each time you got up for a new bottle?Oh and if you are like me I used to get wobblier on my feet each time and I often would bang into things e.g. the door handle and then the following  day think where the hell did these bruises come from. Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking multiple alcoholic drinks.  Because like I say one or some times if it’s yummy or your dehydrated two non-alcoholic drinks don’t pass through you quicker than a freight train.

You know how you would start drinking before you had cooked or prepared a meal and then you would start to really relax and instead of cooking a proper decent meal you would just think fuck it and just grab something to full the gap, well that was if you even still felt like eating. Yeah well, you can still find yourself just grabbing something quick when your not drinking alcohol lol let’s be honest here BUT you do actually take the time more often to cook and enjoy a decent meal. And as you have given up  drinking and are starting to take care of yourself better the chances are it’s  going to be healthier. 

You know how you would start drinking and then think oh shit please don’t anyone phone or call around. I don’t think I’m slurring, oh shit am I slurring how the hell will I know if I’m slurring as my brain is numbing and it doesn’t feel like I’m slurring….. shit to scared to answer the phone or the door now incase I’m slurring. Yeah well guess what?? Now that your not drinking alcohol you can actually answer the phone or the door and not worry about that good old slurrring.  Shit you can even drive a car if need be!!

These all seem like basic things but really they aren’t. To me these are all parts of the puzzle that are now fitting together that show me just how shit life was for me while drinking. Basic things, yes I agree, but they all add up to not living my life in happiness and to it’s full potential. I don’t know if this was just relevant to me or if there are others out their nodding their heads as they read this. So much wasted time I can never get back from chugging away a the bottle. I don’t want to waste time on the little things anymore. Today I am living life 100% sober and for that I am blessed.

Self Respect

Last night I talked about some of the shame I carried while I was a drinker but tonight I want to talk about the pride I feel being sober. I really do have so much more respect for myself now I am no longer carrying the weight of my dirty little secret and no longer suffer the shame of trying to hide it. I am living life sober and I am fucken proud of that, I don’t openly go around telling people hey guess what I’m sober now. In fact I haven’t even discussed it with my family, but that is no big surprise. Some of my friends know but if the others were to ask me about why I’m not drinking I would openly tell them. My boss knows but that is as far as it goes at work, no one else knows. It’s not even that I am ashamed of it because I’m not it’s just that I don’t see the point. You really don’t need to tell everyone everything about yourself that is just stupid. Any way off on a tangent there, hmm obviously matters more to me than I realized. Let me try starting this again.

I feel as though I am slowly but surely rising from the ashes and I am respecting myself for doing it. I think I have a healthier respect for myself in many ways and I am liking how I am a more reliable person. I used to say I would turn up to things or I’ll see I might come etc but then I would bail out. First off my anxiety would be off the scale at the thought of going out and being with people but I couldn’t chug, chug my way through the bottles there. Of cause you can have a couple but you don’t really want people noticing how much you are drinking. “Oh hey anyone want another, oh shit look around and they weren’t even 1/2 way through.” So instead you just wouldn’t go and you would stay at home were you could comfortably drink the night away. I think I am saying you  here simply because I am not that person anymore, I actually identify with my previous self as another person, well isn’t that insightful of me. Shit sorry I’m all over the place tonight, seem to be suffering them good old brain farts were I just can’t keep the focus.

Previously if one of the dogs got sick after say 6.30 – 7 pm there is no way I could of legally driven them to the vet. Oh shit I don’t know if I shared with you previously my Dad had a heart attack and I drove him to the hospital after many Vodka’s. This was through winding country roads into the city and not only that I had to drive it again to go home and pick up his meds for the doctor then back to the hospital with them and at the end of the night home again. How the fuck did I manage that, I really have no idea, there is another very shameful moment from my drinking days. Now should a family member or friend need me I can safely say I will be able to drive 100% sober so that is another huge point for being reliable now. 

My main point of tonight’s ramble is that I am proud of myself for fighting this bitch and by doing so I have a level of self respect that I never, ever had before. Living life sober fucken rocks. 

One of the exhausting things with being an alcoholic

I have to admit that I hate the saying “One day at a time” I just hate the thought that as an alcoholic that I should simply take it day by day with my addiction. I want to see in the future for the rest of my life that there is nothing but sober in front of me. But then I have totally out of the blue lightening bolts like this evening when I was busy doing my volunteer work and I thought to myself “I wouldn’t mind a drink” and as quick as that my mind went “holy fuck what is wrong with you????? There is no way you are going to have a drink!!” Far out thoughts like that are sneaky little fuckers that just pop into your head. My message for you my little alcoholic voice, why don’t you shut the hell up, just for that I am going to tell you just one of the reasons WHY WE ARE NOT GOING TO DRINK.

One of the many exhausting things that I had while drinking was carrying the shame and having to hide my dirty little secret. I loved nothing more than to crack open that first bottle late afternoon and raise it to my lips. I can still remember how my lips would give a little quiver as the coolness of the bottle hit my lips, the smell of the booze entered my nostrils and that thirst quenching alcohol entered my mouth. The lips would always quiver on that first hit. That first bottle would be gone in about 15 minutes (I am talking a stubbie bottle of beer or the later years cider of 330ml) well actually if I was lucky it would last that long. Then the next one would be needed so often I would grab two out of the fridge at once so I didn’t have to get off my big fat arse to grab another one. Now if anyone just popped around and called in it would be such a pain in the arse because I would have to quickly hide the empties and make sure I was just sitting there with only one and no empties beside me or all lined up on the bench. I would of been so ashamed if someone had seen the extent of my drinking. No doubt you have all figured out that it takes more and more to reach the desired effect so I would have to sink around 8 bottles a night to be able to reach out pass out point. Actually just on a side note, how come now I’m not drinking all of this am I now skinny that part is such a rip off. Seriously there is no way I would still be enjoying the taste and it would of all been about feeding my addiction and my addiction to numbing out all feelings and thoughts and being able to pass out. God help anyone if they called, luckily I had caller ID so if it was my parents I would answer but try to say very little for fear of slurring.  Shit I must of been dumb because everyone can tell when someone is slurring, oh actually even now when I’m extra tired it can sound like a lazy slur. But anything calls were just left to go to answerphone because I was to worried about people on the other end figuring out my dirty little secret of being a drunk. 

Oh first off though was the purchasing of the booze, I have said in earlier posts how I used to drive to different super markets or liquor outlets each night so the people working there didn’t notice that I was going through a box a day. But at the end of all the above was actually getting rid of these empty bottles, yep even that involved shame. A recycle bin would only hold so much and when your bin is the fullest in the street every recycle day. Now on to the crash, smash and bang as it got emptied into the recycle truck magnifies in your ears because you are sure the whole bloody street must hear it. I would sit here and think oh Jesus what must they all think, do the snigger because my drinking habit was worse than their own? Did they think oh poor thing? Did they wonder if they should put an AA brochure in my letter box? Maybe slip a note under the door with all the help phone numbers for alcoholics????? Truth be told they probably took no notice at all but I’m pretty sure I saw my house get some side ways looks as people walked pass and saw the bin out waiting on collection. Then there was the period when I was drinking so much that I would not only use the recycle bin but I would also wrap the empties in newspaper and hide in a plastic rubbish bag for collection.

This is just a very small list of memories of why I never want to drink again. Dear little alcoholic voice please go fuck yourself, life is so much nicer not living with the guilt & shame of living with my dirty little secret. I am living life raw & real and 100% sober and that is exactly how I want it to stay.

Happiness, Rainbows & Unicorns

Just that title makes me happy and probably has very little to do with this post but we will see as I type tonight’s rambling thoughts on here. Actually I just came back up here to add this, yes I am much happier but I don’t want others that are using my journey to help them on their own to be deceived. My life ten months on sober is much happier but it’s not all Rainbows & Unicorns I still have a lot of work to do, I think if you want to break addiction you have to be prepared to put in the work. You also have to WANT to do it, it is not enough for others to want you to do it, YOU have to want it.

I have been sharing on here for a while with you all and for those of you considering doing it for either pleasure or as a release I say give it a try, you will soon find out if it’s going to be of any benefit for you. I have noticed my posts getting more positive and I am so happy about that but the next bit might seem a bit odd. I remember when I started on my sober journey or each time that I fell off the sober train and crashed and burned. Reading the posts on here would often help me to find the energy to get back up and try again. Each time you fall over you find that your self disappointment levels dip further down every time and your self esteem takes a huge knock. My moods really were so low and I would feel like suicide just to end the pain and also because I hated myself and thought for fucks sake what is the point to do another bloody round AGAIN. It isn’t easy and oh my God I know that and I know how hard and just how deep you have to dig to try again. What was different this time around for me?

When I started drinking again the last time I had been sober for 3 years, 3 years!!!!! and yet I fell off the wagon. There had been a huge event in my life that I had held my shit together for over a year but when it ended and I survived it I crashed and burned. I had been burying demons and putting on a huge display that everything was okay in my world, I had such a good act going that even I thought it was okay and I had everything under control. I really had no idea that all it was like was a simmering pot on the stove and when that event was finally over the whole pot boiled over and I could not cope so instead I turned back to the bottle.  I was so disappointed with myself and that mixed with all of the over whelming emotions that I was going through just made me drink more. I sank back into heavy drinking every night and really didn’t care if it killed me, I did not care!!! I kept this up for I think around 18 months. Near the end I started to feel like a person drowning that was submerging and waving around but the beach was empty, the life guards had packed up and gone home. I did some stupid things in attempt to stop drinking e.g. spending all my money and running heaps of debt so I wouldn’t have any left to spend on booze (umm don’t try this yourself it doesn’t work, an alcoholic will always find money for booze).

I’ve told the story before about how a friend and myself were both drinking to much and we made a deal that we would support each other to take a break for 3 months. I am one of those people that when I make a promise to a friend I keep it combined with I can be one stubborn arse bitch when I want to be. I was determined I would make those three months but I was also sick and tired of booze having control over my life. I knew that I no longer had control but it did. I made it to the end of the 3 months and that was enough for me to be able to start to see a difference in myself to have me wanting to keep going. Right from the start I started blogging it out on here and getting out what I was feeling or going through. This not only helped me but I also started to get messages saying thank you and that by default I was helping others, this made me feel so awesome. I am now over ten months and I have no intention of ever touching alcohol again, EVER!

Things are so much better for me now and I have made amazing friends and built a support network around me with my tribe of Soul Sisters. Blogging & friends along with being so sick and tired of being depressed and sick and tired has helped me stick to this. I still have such a long way to go and am a work in progress. I have survived some really shitty things but I stand proud that I have come out the other side. Next year I am looking at starting some therapy to work out things so that hopefully they don’t just sit there dormant and raise their ugly heads again. If they do I want different skills to deal with them that does not include reaching for a bottle. I’m also not a cocky little shit I know just how easy it is to suffer speed wobbles and fall off the wagon but I know that I have never felt the desire to stay sober as strong as I do now. Living life sober is fucken awesome!!!