I often read blocks now and it’s quite common to see people discuss their drinking and to say that they aren’t an alcoholic and more that they binge drink when they do. It made me think back to when I started this blog and how I thought of myself and my drinking habits. In reality it was a long way off what was the truth and I guess that was another trick that my alcoholic brain was playing on me.
Definition of “Rose tinted glasses” as given by Collins Dictionary – If you look at a person or situation through rose-colored glasses or rose-tinted glasses, you see only their good points and therefore your view of them is unrealistic.
Looking back now I can see that I was seriously wearing some powerful rose tinted glasses. I was convinced that I wasn’t an alcoholic and in fact when I found out that my medical file had on it that I was I was livid. I was pissed that my Doctor had put that on my file when I didn’t believe I was an alcoholic but there was more to that story in that I had asked her for help and she didn’t think my problem was that bad to need help. So I was pissed that she didn’t think I was bad enough to need help but I was bad enough for her to put on my file that I was an alcoholic. But that’s another story for another time and my trust and confidence level in my Doctor will probably never be the same.
I was convinced that I was just going through a patch of drinking to much and that my biggest problem was that I was a binge drinker. I thought that I was just drinking because of all the shitty things that had happened in my life and because I was sad and lonely with no self esteem. Don’t know about you but I haven’t heard of a person that drinks every night for over 20 years (apart from when I was in hospital) in such away that come recycle day it looked like there had been a party at my house because of the amount of bottles overflowing from the recycle bin. No party had ever happened as I was to busy avoiding people so I could drink and not have anyone judge me, so all of those bottles was from little old me. Even if someone had told me I was an alcoholic I probably would of told them to piss off. Now it is so obvious and I can’t believe that I didn’t see it.
Now I sit here and I see people say “I don’t really have a drinking problem it’s just that I often end up drinking more than I should” or “I am sick of drinking but don’t know how to stop, I’m not an alcoholic or anything”. Now I’m not judging these people and I seriously from the bottom of my heart hope that you aren’t alcoholics because been there, done that and will forever be one even if I stay sober for the rest of my life! My own mind never fails to amaze me and this is just one more example, how could it convince me that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Shit my mind is powerful and now it’s not fueled with booze I am able to have better control, better thoughts and more inner peace than a mind that just doesn’t stop.
Living life sober is the biggest gift I have given myself and it simply couldn’t of come soon enough.
Well today was my favorite day of the week, oh how I love you Saturday the first day of my weekend. I had a lovely sleep in this morning and nothing beats waking up when your body is ready and not to the sound of your alarm. It was just so beautiful, no alarm, no hang over, no shitty dry throat or stinky alcohol breath I honestly never, ever want to wake up like that again. Anyway back to focusing on the now and not the then following on from my post talking about Friday and how even the just quiet routine feels awesome now I noticed the little things today which all add up to living such a blessed life.
Waking up in a warm bed with my dogs still quietly snoring beside me.
Being able to stretch and practice mindfulness before getting up.
Have a long, long hot shower.
Opening the curtains to find that it is a fine day.
Hang out the washing so it drys out in the sunshine and fresh air.
Taking the dogs for a lovely, long, peaceful walk.
Get breakfast for my dogs and myself.
Do some volunteer work.
Try to start the lawnmower – give up and vacuum instead.
Try to start the lawnmower – give up and do the dishes instead.
Try to start the fucken lawnmover – give up and hang out more washing.
Start the lawnmower and mow the lawns.
Reply to an email from a friend.
Do some more volunteer work.
Take the dogs for another walk.
Do the ironing.
Make the bed (yah I love clean bed nights)
Get dinner for my dogs and myself.
Do more volunteer work.
Watch Americas Got Talent.
Chat online with a friend.
Do todays post on my blog 🙂
What a list ah?? Hahaha I am sure some of you stopped reading long ago and thought dear God get a life but seriously to me this is a perfect day. Look how much I got done and all at a cruisy pace which I would of been lucky to of got half of it done had I been drinking last night. Also I would be so pissed by now I hate to think what I would be typing here, actually no I wouldn’t be here I would be getting close to pass out stage in the next hour. today I noticed things like the beautiful flowers and even the smell of them in the air. I took time to smell the air after mowing the lawns and smelling the cut grass. Oh and the smell of laundry powder that smell is delicious (no I’m not a freak that would eat it but apparently some people do, my question is how wouldn’t it be like soap in your mouth?) and lets off a beautiful aroma when you iron it. What I am trying to say here is I live such a blessed life and now I am taking the time to notice and count my blessings which is something I missed by being an alcoholic. Sober life is the absolute best gift I gave myself and I am treasuring every moment of it.
Well thank goodness that work week is over, that was full on and to top it off the battery in the car died and sudden death. I was struggling to figure out how to pay the bills this pay day as it was and now I know I can’t cover them all thanks to the new battery costing me $245. But you know what I am still happy, at least it was only the battery, at least it died in my garage so I could leave it in there until payday, at least I had a backup car I could borrow. I really don’t want to take the good things and blessings for granted in my life anymore. I will have to go without things this fortnight and next payday will be another round of trying to catch up but I can do it so it’s not the end of the world. Driving home tonight I gave my mental “yah it’s the motherfucken weekend!!” sorry potty mouth I know but it’s just how strongly I feel about it and for some odd reason it make me feel good and released when I say it. Anyway in my normal style it made my thought roll on to thinking about what I was going to do this weekend. Walk my dogs is always at the top of my list, mow my lawns, house work, hopefully going to my tropical gardens (while they are the publics really but I call them mine) and hopefully another good walk on Sunday.
Seriously my weekends are just so different to when I was drinking. Looking back I would of started by driving to purchase more booze as there was never enough left over from the night before to see me through the weekend. I would of charged home and walked the dogs, not the relaxing sort of walk that we have now because I would of been impatient and wanting to get home so I could pop open the first bottle. I would of drunk that bottle so fast in the kitchen while getting the dogs dinner. Then grab another bottle and go and get changed out of my work clothes. Back out to the kitchen and grab 2 bottles so I could finally sit down and put my feet up. It wouldn’t take that long to drink those 2 and then I would have to get up to grab another couple, always grab in 2’s otherwise you would be going back and forwards to the fridge to often. Maybe, just maybe I would bother to find something for dinner. By this stage I would be thinking I probably should stop now as that is six bottles already but by that stage I was so pissed and on a roll I would grab another couple. I would drink until I passed out on the couch, I would wake up later and look at the TV through blurry eyes thinking what have I missed and realize that I was watching something totally different to what I could remember watching. I’d shuffle off to bed and have a crappy sleep and wake up late.
This Friday I drove home, didn’t even think about going to buy booze. Walked the dogs taking our time and letting them sniff and pee and stop to just smell the breeze as often as they wanted. Got home, changed, put on a load of washing, got the dogs their dinner and cooked my own. I jumped online and caught up on Facebook, emails and the volunteering work I do. I noticed one of my Soul Sisters was online so checked in on her and had a lovely little catch up. Now I’m sitting here blogging about how calm and peaceful my Friday nights are now all while watching Coronation Street (haha don’t hate me it is the one connection I have with my Nana who has passed away but never missed an episode). I won’t fall asleep on the couch and wake up with a sore neck nor wonder what the heck is playing on TV. I can go to bed and fall asleep and hopefully have a beautiful sleep all night long. I will get up in the morning with a clear head and it will be at a time that leaves me plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my day. I will take my time and do what I want and all without rushing so that I can get it all done in time for drink o’clock.
Living life sober freakin rocks! I love my Friday nights now, it really does signal the end of my work week and the chance to have some down time.
Am I a judgy wudgy bitch? I don’t know. Am I’m getting angry at someone because I can see some of my old drinking self in them? I don’t know it might be a combination of them both to be honest. We had a staff farewell party on Saturday night and there was lots of drinking going on and a lot of people got pretty messy fast. There was one staff member that was there on her own and I was concerned that she might of been driving so thought I would check up on that. I asked if she was driving at all and she told me nah. I thought but how are you getting home so asked her but how are you getting home and she replied ProDrive (a company that will drive you and your vehicle home with another of their cars following to collect their driver). I said really, do they go out of town that far? I got back a yeah, yeah, yeah don’t worry. I thought oh well fair enough your a grown arse adult and older than myself so not like a teenager I need to worry about and stick around to ensure you are okay. I left at 8.30pm because I didn’t want to be around the booze nor the staff members that were all getting drunker and drunker. I am glad I came home away from it all and came here and posted to you all instead! Apparently they all carried on and had a great night with a band playing and they were all singing, dancing and drinking the night away. One guy was so drunk he pissed against the wall (it was an outside under cover venue) and at that stage the bar staff asked him to leave and apparently everyone slowly departed.
Now the lady above that I had gone out of my way to make sure she wasn’t driving got in behind the wheel and drove. She only got around 5 minutes down the road and fell asleep at the wheel. Not only did she take out a power pole but she also ended it by crashing into a building. Thank goodness she is going to be okay and didn’t end up in hospital, she has bruising and cuts but otherwise is fine. Of cause the Police were involved and she has been charged with DUI, her vehicle is a write off and I seriously think the blessing is that she didn’t take anyone else out at the same time.
When I was told all of this I was so angry at her and thought what a fucken idiot, how stupid when I know not only myself but others took the time to check on her and make sure she wasn’t driving as well as one offering to run her home. Now I wonder is it because I can see some of myself in this person? I have driven drunk manner times and even fallen asleep behind the wheel but I was young and not over 50 like I am now but then how many times would I of blown over driving to work in the morning following a hard night? I think the difference was I didn’t have people that were looking out for me and offering to run me home. I had people around me that were drinking just as much as me and we all took turns driving drunk and thought it was funny. If I think back we even got pulled over by the cops a couple of times and got told get your arses home and stop driving around!!!! They let us drive home to get off the road. The whole culture was different back then towards drunk driving.
Living life sober, raw & real is my choice and I know it is the right choice for me and I thank every higher power out there that I wasn’t one of those drunken people and that I was the sober one. I got up the next morning early, clear headed, no guilt and absolutely no doubts about what I had been up too.
I have something concerning me at the moment, well more than one thing but this is the one I need to write about. My mind is a crazy, amazing, exciting & scary place. There are parts of my life that I just don’t remember and no matter how hard I try it doesn’t just come back to me but rather small bits here and there. I have discussed this with my therapist and there is a chance that my mind is protecting me and there is a chance that I might never remember it all.
This has me thinking about something now, if my mind is capable of blocking my memory from things in order to protect it isn’t it possible that it is also capable of using it’s imagination to protect it? So where do you cross over from reality to imagination in this level of protection? Hmm might be a question for my therapist, I don’t think I’m making anything up but apart from going and asking the people involved (which wouldn’t be safe) I have no way of confirming my story and seeing if there are any blurred lines.
I often think of my past and my history and think how the hell did I survive, I’m not questioning that it happened because I have the aftermath to deal with that I know in my soul what it has been through. One way to explain it is if you’ve ever been in a crappy relationship and yet you are wearing blinkers and refusing to see just how shit it was. It might be that your protecting yourself, a loved one, a pet anything that you treasure in your heart and don’t want to get hurt in the aftermath. So you just overwhelm yourself with the good things, down play the bad things and your mind crosses over between reality and imagination that it is a loving relationship in order to cope. Not even sure if I’m making sense to you all here now so might have to think about this one a bit more and hopefully be able to word it better for you.
I was interested to see some comments the other day on one of my posts about how our relationships change with our friends once we stop drinking. It certainly did for me and it was really a combination of me and them that brought about that change. Previously we would get together and we would all drink and socialize but I wouldn’t stop there I would always have or get more booze so that I could keep going when I got home. While drinking with my friends I would be one of those people that was always a friendly drunk but I was a funny drunk as well and we would always have a good time. My next level after being funny was just being quiet and doing what is still one of my favorite hobbies of people watching. Once I turned sober I started avoiding situations that would put me around alcohol so stopped socializing with my friends. We did meet up a few times but funny enough we didn’t relax and I wasn’t as funny and entertaining for them. Truth be known I am funny and in fact I was funnier and actually made sense but I don’t think that is the type of entertainment my friends wanted. Not sure how to explain it but we just had a hang out, relax, have some fun and drink nights nothing heavy and certainly nothing bonding like the amazing friendships I have now. Now that I am happily sober I can be around alcohol and it doesn’t bother me, if anything watching the effect I see it have on people the more I hate it. But I have tried hanging with these friends and I get bored out of my tree. They talk shit and get drunk and there is so much more I would rather be doing. I still consider these people friends but our lives are on different paths now and I have decided to take a different path to them now.
I’m sure most of you would of read previously how freakin amazing my Soul Sisters are and just how great our relationships are. We lift each other up and support each other and also encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves. We accept and love each other for just who we are, no fakeness, no bullshit. We have very indepth and interesting conversations and I love it. Seriously life is just so much better without alcohol in it and I am much happier and comfortable without anxiety to sit around and drink coffee now a days. Once done I am still able to do what ever I want and I don’t waste time the next morning getting over a night out.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life and I am damn happy about that.
I don’t have the time to come on here as much as I used to nor as much as I want to anymore. I think I do my best thinking first thing in the morning and often have moments of pure brilliance and come up with such wisdom but com evening and time to write on here gone, nothing, blank. I was thinking what should I write more about on here as there seems to be a few and I bounce all over the place, alcoholic, rape, debt, goals, diet, fitness, exercise ummm what else vulnerability, friends, family, therapy etc, etc, etc. But I have decided to just keep being me and what ever is passing through my mind at the time that is what I will write about. This blog is to get things out of my mind and if it helps others that is a bonus. If anyone has questions they want to ask I’m a pretty direct person and will answer. Oh if there is something that anyone would like me to write about further please feel free to ask that as well.
Writing that has made me realize that I am much more settled in my mind, previously my mind was all over the place and depression and self loath was at a very high and dangerous level. Now at almost 500 days sober I get on here and think I have nothing, nothing I have the energy to write about. Previously there would of been many, many negative thoughts in a day and picking a subject was easy but not now. Don’t get me wrong I still have negative thoughts and still beat myself up but I am getting so much better. Thank God I am living a sober life and my mental health is improving so much. There is depression but I think I would call it more sadness and no bloody wonder with what has been brought out of the suitcases in my mind. I still struggle with self love but I do not have self hate anymore. It has been a very long time since a have had suicidal thoughts in fact now I want to live. I have so much to be grateful for and I have so much to offer towards good in this world.
Living life sober, raw and real…………….. yep it is SO much better. I never, ever want to go back to that way of living again because it’s not living it is just turning up everyday and I was miserable.
Well today is my anniversary and I have now been sober for 15 months AND it feels fucken amazing. I honestly would not of believed someone if they had told me you are going to become sober and your actually going to end up loving it and not be able to imagine yourself living any other way. Now keeping up with my tradition here is my list of 15 things (1 for each month) I enjoy now I’m living life sober.
Life – I love living my life, seriously I was just letting it pass me by in my drinking days.
Counting Blessings – I have so many blessings all around me at any given moment on any given day. I simply failed to notice them while I was drinking.
Amazing Friends – Being sober and hanging with your friends WITHOUT alcohol totally takes things to a whole new deep and meaningful level. You honestly get to know the real YOU and the real THEM.
Dreaming – I love day dreaming and being relaxed enough without anxiety to be able to dream, I have some freakin amazing ideas that come from taking the time to dream.
Dealing With Pain – Sounds odd I know but bear with me, had I not got sober and had I not had an amazing friend (refer # 3) who suggested therapy and I would not of realized that it is NOT my friends job to heal me and deal with past junk. It is my job and it was my job to go out and find myself a good therapist who helped me deal finally face past pain. Friends can HELP but its not their job to sort everything out.
Freedom – I can get in my car and drive myself anywhere 24/7 I don’t have to wait until I’m not drinking or feel that I am sober enough to drive.
Acceptance – I used to drink so I didn’t feel things basically to numb and block things out. Now I want to feel it all including the bad, if I’m not willing to feel the bad I am not leaving room for the good to come in.
Goals – I know how many 50 year old people do you know that don’t or haven’t had any goals???? I have never had goals or dreams or visions to aim for in the future. The future was just something I didn’t think about as I was too busy just planning getting to the next bottle.
Excitement – I am excited for my future especially my career, I can’t wait until I can start my studies next year and then working as an Animal Welfare Inspector. If just makes so much sense my current job doesn’t anymore.
Awareness – Being sober it is like someone has opened my eyes and shown me that I am capable of so much more, I can do so much better for myself.
Improved Health – I am still on blood pressure medication but while I was drinking heavily for years even that was only just keeping it below the danger level. Now without drinking my BP is the lowest I can ever remember it being since they started recording it.
Self Love – I’m not quite there yet with this one but I have come a bloody long way from hating myself and thinking I was not worthy, I am fucken worthy and I would say I like myself.
No Desire – I really don’t have any desire to drink anymore and I just don’t see the point nor can I see a reason that would make me think it would be a good idea for me to start again NOTHING, NO REASON.
Self Care – I am a people pleaser and I used to find it extremely hard to say NO. to anything they would ask me to do for fear of upsetting them. This came at a cost to myself and I have learnt that in order to be a good person to others I have to look after myself first.
Peace & Calmness – Inner peace and calm is the most incredible feeling and while drinking you just don’t get to experience them. When I was drinking I thought it was when I reached the point that I had drunk just the right amount to feel nothing and be totally numb, that point just before you get totally depressed and start self hating and loathing before passing out. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL NOR IS IT CALM.