Category Archives: feeling like shit

Hiding Here / Alcoholic Voice

There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.

It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.

Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.

Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂

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What went wrong?? Time to look at ME.

Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.

Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.

Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.

Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.

Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.

Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.

Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.

Don’t give up on me yet, I’m down but I’m not out and I am little but I am fierce as hell!

And I thought I didn’t have a problem…….

I shudder now when I think back to my drinking days when I actually believed that I didn’t have a problem. Well actually I still didn’t believe it for a while after I stopped drinking. Seriously now that I am living a sober life how could I of not seen that I was an alcoholic?? It is so blindingly obvious now and to think that I thought I just had a faulty off switch but that I was really still under control is well I was going to say laughable but it’s not funny. Let me share with you one of my “episodes” where I partied like it was 1999 and thought it was just living life to the full.

I started the party with beers and it was at a friends place out of town and I was staying the night so knew that I didn’t have to worry about driving home that night. We were all going pretty hard starting early in the afternoon with great music and a BBQ on a beautiful sunny day. I was functionally pissed from my beers and upped my game by switching onto Sambuca. Didn’t waste my time with a glass just drank it straight out of the bottle, yummy yum (that would of been what I was thinking) I remember being fucken hilarious (I was probably more like a pain in the arse that they weren’t laughing with but at if I think about it now). At some stage I can’t remember if I dropped the bottle or if I whacked the bottom on something but the base cracked. My friend helped me out and rather than letting it all go to waste we emptied it into a preserving jar and I just kept on drinking out of that. Now at some stage I must of wandered off, I probably just wanted peace because I reach a level like that were I just have to get away from people. We think (notice the think) that I went up the road to a reserve and the reason we think that is what I did was the injuries that I came back with. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where I went nor what I did I hope that I passed out somewhere and slept but God only knows. What ever I got up to I arrived home later that night and I was filthy and a rambling drunk. My friend suggested chucking me into the shower to sober up and for some reason I liked that idea and just started stripping off, yep right in the room with people in it. Thank goodness for my friend as lucky for me she jumped up and pushed me into the bathroom and into the shower. I have no idea how long she left me in there nor how I got from there to the spare bed but I did.

The next day I woke up feeling like absolute crap & in pain and the thought of the long drive home just didn’t feel like an option. The pain was coming from my legs and when my friend came in and looked at them they were black with bruising all up the shins. Now these injuries are mainly why they think I must of gone up to the reserve, you see there are cattle grates that you have to get across and they reckon in my state I must of fallen in them. It would of jammed my legs as I fell through, it would also help explain why I was so filthy. Everyone decided that they would go to the beach and do some swimming and drinking. I thought oh well the drive to the beach wasn’t anywhere near as far as home and a swim would feel so good. That’s right, not at all proud of myself now and didn’t give it a second thought I drove and I still would of been drunk for sure. Once at the beach they all started to crack open the beers again, I just could not face it at all and decided to go for a swim. I felt so ill, the beach was full of people and there was really no where for me to go for a spew. I swam and swam way out deep where there was no one and I spewed and kept on spewing. I remember I had to keep diving under the surface and swimming further over so I wasn’t surrounded by my own spew. I really have no idea how the hell I didn’t drown on that day. I am a good swimmer but not when I’m drunk, hung over and with fucked legs. In the afternoon we all went back to my friends so they could get stuck in drinking again. I was due home by then and knew that my ex would be furious that I hadn’t come home in the morning so I drove home instead, shit I doubt I would of been able to drink anymore anyway!!!!

That was one example of my “problem drinking” and it was a bad one, I suffered from a true black out and there is a period that I will never know what happened. I do know that I had to go to the doctors with my legs and after xrays it turned out that I had crushed my shins, that took a long time to heal. I think I just had quiet drinks, you know like cut back and only had 3 or 4 a night for a few nights afterwards. Hmmm and this girl didn’t think she was an alcoholic!!! Seriously I am as alcoholic as an alcoholic can be. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m an alcoholic anymore it’s just a fact.

I am now living life sober, raw & real, and thank God for that. Why go over the bad times you might be asking yourself? Because it is important that I never forget the bad times and never live with just the good memories of drinking. I have to keep it real and remember just how shit it really was.

And Just Like That Back To Sad

One thing I always try to do on here is share the good days and the bad. I don’t want people to think that I trot around on a unicorn and shit rainbows everywhere because that just doesn’t happen. The good days are far out weighing the bad days and I have to learn how to deal with ALL emotions without them being numbed and some suck.

First off one of my volunteers is seriously over weight to the point that she is unable to hold down a normal job. Another one of my volunteers is a personal trainer and I thought hmm what about we see if we can do a team challenge with some of them for weight loss. I was up for it cause I’m fat as and need to lose some as well and thought if enough of us do it then she will find the support good. Anyway I was thinking we would just do our own things and see how we go. Ummm no we had to provide all measurements and weight etc. The first blow of the day came from this, seriously I knew I was fat but to be told that I have 16kg’s to lose hurt like a bitch. Talk about a wave of memories of being called the fat kid, pity your the chubby kid, pity your brother is so slim it should really be the girl that is slim blah blah blah. My self esteem went crashing down.

After I sat around feeling like shit I thought okay I can do this and cranked up the X-Trainer only to find out that it’s faulty atm and needs a part replaced if what my searches found out. I have emailed the technical support for this brand asking about the problem and if there is a local service agent since it is out of warranty. Sat there thinking oh fuck me I wonder how much it’s going to cost to get it fixed since I don’t have spare money so depending on the outcome of that it might have to stay broken. Okay so now I am feeling fat and broke.

Already feeling blue I notice a friend online and think yah this will help cheer me up. This is the friend I talked about that went away overseas and I was thinking it was going to be for a long time but only ended up being for a few weeks. I asked her when she was coming back and it’s going to be in a matter of days!!! Woop, Woop yep happy mood back on for a few minutes and then she told me that they will be off again in a few months and they might be back for a little period at the end of 2019 otherwise not until 2020. Boom my heart shattered into 1000 pieces. I fucken hate how I react when I find out she is not going to be living over here. I love her so much (like a Soul Sister) and she really has been the most understanding and supportive person I have ever meet. I have felt closer to her in the last few months than I have anyone else. I SHOULD be happy for her that things are going so well for her and her husband. I should be grateful for what time I have had with her. Instead I get all upset to the point of tears because I don’t want her to leave. When she is here if I really need her I can make contact and even make a plan to go and see her. While overseas I can’t just go for a drive and see her. We are on different time zones with her being 16 hours behind me and with work commitments for both of us and social commitments for her it can be real hard to catch up in real time. Also just over messenger I really try to keep things brief (hahhaa I’m not that good at it but tend to just cut out things). Also it’s normally evenings when I become free to chat and by that time she has long gone to bed. This is a powerful friendship for me and I love it but this side of it is proving challenging. I really don’t feel that things are shared the same when you just have a 5 minute chat here. You basically cut it down to how are you, how was your day and then it drifts off. So now I am feeling fat, broke and lonely and MISSING my friend.

I have to find positives in this and climb my way out of this sad sack hole. Maybe hey I can work on loosing the weight, staying home and not traveling to see friends means I can focus more on paying off the debt, I do get to see my friend when she comes home this time for a visit and if it wasn’t for her current life style we probably wouldn’t of ever meet. I fucken hate feeling like this, I feel like that girl up the top walking along dragging my teddy with a quivering bottom lip.

I am glad that I am living my life sober, raw and real. I could numb this all with alcohol but in the morning none of the above would of changed and I would have a hangover from hell after not drinking for so long. AND I would hate myself for drinking, fucken hate myself.

Struggling with pain and emotions

I am having a full on blah period at the moment but I am still grateful that I am working through it sober. Previously I would of got myself drunk in an attempt to numb it out but then would of had to also go through the period of oh poor little me until I would reach the point that I would be able to pass out and just not think at all. Now I can be sad and not complicate it further by drinking and feeling like crap on top of feeling sad. 

Years ago before I even started drinking I was out with a friend and we were minding our own business crossing a pedestrian crossing. It was a double lane crossing on both sides and in the lane the closest to us the car stopped to let us go. Not wanting to hold that car up we started to run, at the same time another vehicle came up the inner lane and I ran out in front of it and was hit. The driver of this second vehicle was speeding and wasn’t slowing down for the crossing. Behind the wheel of that vehicle was a drunk driver. Pretty fucken ironic now when I think about it, can Karma hit before you do things???? I flew up in the air and spun a few summersaults in the air and landed in the center of the intersection. Next up was a free trip in the ambulance to the nearest medical center. I was so lucky because I came out with a few grazes and cuts along with bruising but nothing to major. Back in those days they didn’t get to carried away with tests etc and I was sent home. It was not until later that I started to suffer from back pain and the two were linked, such a pity because it was never put down on the original treatment charts I have never been able to get assistance for any treatments.

I started having regular appointments with a chiropractor and this would fix the problem. Eventually I found an elderly maori gentleman that treated me in old school techniques. With gentle massage and movement along with a little push here and there he kept my back and neck in shape. Two years ago he passed away and I have not bothered to find anyone since because there is no one around with his skills. Slowly my back and neck have declined and for the last month I have had a headache to go with them. I had a bad weekend and my anxiety along with my own stress went crazy and I thought that had magnified the pain. By the Thursday I was in so much pain I had to find a chiropractor and get help. Because I have left all this so long my spine was actually swollen, the nerves between the vertebra were being squashed and the shoulder muscles were having spasms to the point one of them was locked in a bloody spasm. Holy shit if you have a muscle lock and someone works on it and tells you this is going to hurt for a bit believe them!!!! It felt like a hot poker being jabbed into position BUT as the muscle slowly released the feeling was amazing. Now I have to go for treatment 2-3 times a week for a while then slowly reducing the frequency as it gets better. It is getting better thank God but every so often it grabs and it makes me feel nausea and by the end of the day it is pretty sore.

Now all of the above was to explain that I don’t know if it’s because of the pain or just because but I am going through a really blue period at the moment. I feel sad, and I feel needy, the sort of needy were you just want the right person to give you a big hug and say it’s alright, your gonna be okay. I cry without warning, I feel lonely but when I have a visitor I just want them to go away (maybe they are not the person I want around) I keep trying to focus on things to be grateful for but my mind slips back into the negative. I just have to keep trying and need to find the positives because I know that they are all around me. Now if I was drinking there would really be shit show of me finding them. Oh there is one I am grateful that I am sober and staying that way 🙂 

Running Scared

I have freaked myself the fuck out!! I reached out to a counselor and now I feel myself thinking why don’t I just turn it all off again and stop dragging up the past that I can’t fix, just accept it all as done and history, and look forward to the future. I don’t want to go to a counselor because frankly sharing personal shit with anyone is not my style and I am so uncomfortable doing it. A part of me is angry that I am the one that has to do the whole counselling thing when I didn’t cause the shit I am dealing with and the people that have are just living their lives no problem. Why don’t they go and do shit they are uncomfortable doing and pay for having to do it to add salt to the wound. Okay now a part of me feels like I’m acting like an immature brat. 

A huge part of the reason I reached out is because I was hoping that writing it out on here and talking to friends I would just slowly sort it out myself. It has definitely helped and I will keep doing it but I also realized that it is not my friends job to help fix me. They didn’t cause this shitty mess and they don’t have to pick up the pieces this cluster fuck is mine to deal with. Also if your forever trying to nut things out with people it can really end up being a downer for them and I don’t want that. I love my friends so much but I don’t want to burden them with this bullshit. If my doctor had arranged for some counselling way back when I asked for some I would possibly be much further along in my healing than I am. If she had arranged help when I first asked for it I might not of relapsed back into drinking again. These are all what if’s and the answer will never be known. 

I almost feel myself leaning towards closing back down again but I know that it would be dangerous to do with where I am at. I was reaching the point were I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with others anymore as it feels like I am leaning on others to solve my problems. I feel like a part of this journey and road to recovery is with me working this out and feeling it all and straightening it all out in my own head. I do find that sharing it helps but it also feels like I am sharing the weight of it all and some times it just feels like it’s not a healthy balance because all I am bringing to the friendship is bullshit and needs. A part of me feels that it is just increasing the width of the negative reach of it all. I don’t know if I’m going to go through with the counselling or not as I have chopped and changed my mind so many times. I am scared, uncomfortable, tense, worried, nervous, pissed off and feeling lonely and afraid in my own mind. Grrr dear I say it I want to drink to numb out all those feelings. Nine months, ten days, 4 hours, 52minutes sober I ain’t gonna blow it now because I am being pathetic. 

Today I thought I wanted to drink…..

Today was one of those days were I just wanted to tell people to fuck off and was so full of emotions that I would of numbed in the past. I even caught myself thinking God I would love to drink tonight and just put it all behind me, pulled myself up real quick on that one.

Yesterday was the funeral for my friend and it was a very emotional service (I know that is normal for funerals but this one had parts that made my spine tingle). If you are familiar with a haka you will understand that they can send shivers down your spine as they are so full of emotions. Watching my friends son lead the Haka and hearing the level of emotion in his voice as he gave it all for his Mum was heart breaking.

Today was upsetting because I got contacted by the family to say that they had lost their Mum’s little dog and everyone was in a panic. Poor little thing we think went looking for her Mum because she had just had enough of all of the strangers coming and going at her home. I went to the local shelter and SPCA and she hadn’t been handed in there so I took to social media and plastered her little face everywhere explaining why she was missing in the hope that it would help bring her home. Thankfully it worked and she was home again within 1/2 an hour. She has now gone out to a friends house (she knows the friend well) and will be staying with her for a few days until the house settles down.

While all of this is happening I am getting messages from people about how they have had a shitty day and how so and so has pissed them off. Mean time so and so is messaging me saying they were upset because they had pissed so and so off blah blah blah. Another person messaging telling me their problems and then messaging again later pissed off because I didn’t get back to them.

I brought my dogs home from the groomers and fuck me the first thing one of them does is run through some shit, through the house up on the bed and back down the hall and out the door again. How the fuck can one dog with four paws leave a shit trail of poo foot prints EVERYWHERE like a fucken pack of dogs had been charging through!!!!

Seriously all I could do was cry while stripping the bed, and then cleaning the carpet, making the bed etc. You know the sort of cry just ugly, snotty nose sobbing while muttering fuck this to myself. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck (yes I like saying that when I’m fucken emotionally overloading). I should of been starting to help with my volunteering role but instead I took the dogs for a walk and thank goodness I did. By the time I got back I was able to reply to the messages, listening to the moaning about their bad day (ummm think mine trumps all of yours thanks) calming them all down so I could go and sort dinner in piece. All the time I am listening to all of their bullshit I am thinking to myself why don’t people check out your Facebook page before loading their shit on to you and see what is happening in your life at the moment??? I guess it’s just a case of what’s relevant to them at the time, anyway rant over.

Talking about FB isn’t it funny how just one friend making a funny comment and tagging you in on it can actually make you smile again on a shitty day? That was all it took for me to smile again ❤

For those of you that don’t know what a Haka is here is one from another funeral for a young man that committed suicide. The emotions are raw and real and they do not hold anything back. The young man in the blue shirt with tie is a brother of the deceased.