Bloody hell living the life of an alcoholic for over 20 years has had a huge impact on my life. I think I might as well of been living in the bloody bottle now that I can see just what a prisoner I was to it. It really does blow my mind to think that I seriously thought that I was doing okay and that I just had a problem with binge drinking and wasn’t an alcoholic at all, far out was I bullshitting myself. I look back now and I realize that I was burying myself in booze, numbing ANY feelings I could of had and totally isolated myself from everything except for having to go to work to feed my addiction. Now it wasn’t just the booze but things I hadn’t dealt with from my past as well which I was using the booze to self medicate and numb out my brain so I didn’t have to think about them. I have to be honest I don’t know if I drunk because of my history or if I would of been an alcoholic had I lived a totally happy life. That is something I will never know because I do know that when it comes to booze I have a faulty off switch that’s for sure.
Anyway I think I am procrastinating on what this part of the therapy session was about. I have not had nor have I been with a partner for over 20 years now. I am happy on my own but there are periods when I do get lonely or I think some things would be so much easier if I had a partner. I am a real believer in the attitude of if someone is out there and it is meant to happen it will. I am not closed off to the idea and if I did find some one that I loved and that treated me like their Princess while I treated them like my Prince or Princess (that’s right I am attracted to both) I would love it. But if it doesn’t happen that it totally fine as well because frankly I am having quite a good time getting to know myself which I truely don’t believe I have ever done. Am I bi-sexual, lesbian or heterosexual? Shit I don’t even have the answer to that one and I’ll answer it if I ever get the chance to figure it out. What I do know is one of the biggest turn on’s I have found is a person who is kind, caring compassionate, funny and basically not an arsehole 🙂 It would be a lie to say I don’t have a physical side that attracts be because I do and there is a “type” that attracts me.
Anyway that is once again diverting from what I’m trying to say here (sorry bit all over the place in my mind tonight) but it has struck me as strange that I haven’t worried about not having a partner for that long and I asked the therapist did she think it was linked with my rape at all. She asked me does the thought of having sex with a man repulse me because of the rapes? My answer was nope not at all if he is the right person, naturally I would be nervous after all this time but I would be nervous no matter what. Well she said her personal opinion is that it hasn’t been just because of the rapes but she does believe it is a lot to do with me being an alcoholic. She said when I was drinking did I want people around me? My answer was oh hell no, I didn’t want them around to judge how much or how quickly I drank. I didn’t even like answering the phone in the evening for fear that I would be slurring, I didn’t think I did but I might (and most likely bloody was). I honestly didn’t want anyone around me and my dirty little secret. Oh and the mornings after drinking I would always be hungover or flat so having another person around really wasn’t something I wanted. I have been drinking to excess for over 20 years so lets do the calculations 20+ years drinking = 20+ years single.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now and thank God for that. I really was living in a drunken cloud and now I am free.
Hopefully my 7 things about myself don’t bore you all to death but I have kindly been nominated by sophie12hours in the Seven Things challenge. Thank you so much Sophie (still don’t know your real name) for providing me with this opportunity to be a bit more open on here. OH sorry just wanted to add – Please I will not be offended if I nominate you and you don’t do this. I really wanted to nominate you more as a way of saying thank you for sharing via your own blogs and thinking maybe following your journeys might help others.
- Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
- Share seven things about yourself.
- Nominate 7 other bloggers.
Seven things about me:
One – I have never disclosed my name on here. I find it better to not have my family or friends to know about my blog as it makes me feel like there is not going to be any comeback or judgement thus giving me the ability to be totally free and honest with my thoughts and feelings on here.
Two – Since the age of about 16 this time round has been the second longest time I have been sober for (yesterday I hit the 3 month mark) the first time around I lasted for over 3 years before I gave up being sober.
Three – I have a huge passion for helping animals and devote most of my time to doing just this when I am not working at my paying job that is (hey a girl has to earn a living as well).
Four – I am single and have been for over 20 years. This doesn’t actually worry me and I have probably set up a big “fuck off” wall around me due to being hurt by my one true love.
Five – I really don’t know if I am straight, bi-sexual or lesbian, I have been attracted to both sexes but I think that it will be a case of I will know which I am when I find the right person (if I ever knock down that fuck off wall that is).
Six – I live in New Zealand and I absolutely love it here. We have such a beautiful country with no snakes (except in Zoo’s) or deadly spiders which are two facts that I love.
Seven – I have a huge fear that I am going to stay alone and that in my future I am going to die a lonely old lady all on my own.
And for the final step I will nominate seven other bloggers, in no particular order, who’s blogs I have enjoyed reading and you guys might enjoy as well. And sophie12hours I would of nominated you but not sure if your ready to share another 7 lol.
My brain is going into overload and everything that I have been muting with drinking is bouncing around in there. My senses / emotions are all hyper sensitive and I am having to be careful that I don’t take things the wrong way nor make rushed decisions rather than deal with them and think about them. Tonight I am thinking I will just make a list of some of the things bouncing around so I can get them out of my head at least and then I will write more in depth about each one when I can.
- My friend that quit, quitting
- Family issues
- Brother issues
- Mother issues
- Straight / Lesbian / Bi-Sexual
- How to stop doing things I don’t want to do
- Self loath / Self respect / Appearance
- Financial worries
- Bucket List
- Fuck It List
- Exhausted – Mind, Body and Soul
That is enough to keep me busy for a while, I am feeling that I am running around trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think of any of the above. In order to break free I either have to write about them on here and set them free from my mind or in some cases I have to decide if I will work on them and I need to make a positive list of things that I want to achieve as well. For now I am tired so am going to sleep but at least this has given me a starting point. It might not be achievable but I am going to try to write on here each day as it seems to be helping and providing a way to sort out moving on.