Category Archives: Best Friend Ever

To Feel Loved For Me

Following on from last nights post I was going to write a post to explain how I understand a lot of the things that happened to me but I am just not ready. I am not ready to write a post saying how I understand and that it is done and dusted, not yet I just can’t. Instead I was thinking about the feeling invisible and not loved and how going sober has allowed me to experience friendships that make me feel loved, valued, worthy and cared about.

I am talking about the friendships I have made with my friends now, I have spoken about my soul sister before and life is just so different with them in it that I could end up doing lots of posts about them. But what happens is when you get to know people as a friend and then you start to open up and be honest and vulnerable then you are allowing these people to see and if your lucky to fall in love with you for you. There is no bullshit and no pretending to be a certain person to attract them to me because I am sick of bullshit like that. I have a strong desire to love and be loved but I also need it to be 100% real. I am not interested in people falling in love with the person I portray if it is fake and created to attract them into my life. What I have is seriously some sort of magic to me because I have never experienced this depth of friendship before.

If I think of an example I can think of talking openly to one Soul Sister and we talked about how I worried that I would end up dying alone. I haven’t had a partner now for crikey must be 18 years but that is a whole different story. My parents are nearing their 80’s and the only other family I have is my brother. My Soul Sister didn’t hesitate during this conversation and said that if it is at all possible she will not let me die alone that she would be there for me. I know that she remembers that promise and she will move hell and earth if she has to so she could be with me (if I go first that is, she is younger than me but that doesn’t always mean we will go in birth order.

Another example is as you can imagine I have hug insecurities in relationships and am often very insecure and worried that they are leaving my life. I have had panic attacks and got myself very worked up as my mind drives myself crazy after I don’t hear from them in a while. These beautiful ladies put up with this and in fact help to calm me down and have taken the time to tell me how much they love me and assure me that because they don’t answer on the same day or don’t message first that it’s not that they love me any less. They assure me they love me and if I really need them to just let them know, including if I am getting myself worked up so they can assure me. They understand and accept that is a part of me and they know the reasons behind these insecurities.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is this best decision I ever made. Without this sober journey I would not have these Angels in my life who accept and love me for me.

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If it’s worth it, talk damn it – communication is key

This weekend is one that I come out of feeling stronger and better for having pushed myself and by once again being honest, open, vulnerable and giving a Soul Sister the trust she deserves by being so with her. It’s a learning curve for me to be like this with people and because I have been so alone for so long the people I have had in my life are the sort that ask how are you and then proceed to tell you about how they are without waiting for your answer. Now I have people in my life that when they ask how are you they actually expect an answer and not just a brush off answer of “Fine, thanks” I have learnt that although that is an answer it is not the correct answer for someone that actually wants to KNOW how you actually are. Also if you are not great they do care and they want you to know that they are willing to just be hear and listen if that’s all that I need.

This weekend has been another example of how blessed I am of having had some Soul Sisters drop into my life at just the right time and they are just the right mix as well. But this post is more about the learning to trust and if there are things that you wonder about in the relationship just freakin ask. It could go bad but if they are the right people and they love you and have patience and understanding they won’t mind. I was worried about a couple of things and a lot about my own insecurities and neediness but after being straight up and honest we were able to hash it out and I didn’t think I could but I feel even more blessed by our friendship than I did before.

Can I say that if you have someone in your life that has been hurt before and others let them down and their self esteem is so low please be patient with them. Please help them to understand that it’s okay to feel that way and you are not going anywhere. If that takes telling them hey I don’t message any of my friends every day and forgive me if I don’t check in on you often enough, it’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t love you. If you need me all you have to do is text and say we need a catch up. Don’t feel that you have to give into our insecurities (because if they are honest like I am being we know why we have them and they seriously piss us off at times as well) but if you both take the time to be straight up it makes a huge difference. So same goes if you are the one with the insecurities, if you are feeling hurt by someone you care about isn’t it worth being vulnerable and taking the time to explain it to them? We can’t fully know how each other is feeling nor exactly what we all need within friendships if we don’t talk openly and honestly with each other.

Communication is vital and a must in any relationship if you are wanting it to work.

Living life sober has made experiencing this weekend possible for me, without the sober life I would still be slurping on a bottle not feeling shit.

Finding My Soul Sisters

Hmm did I find my Soul Sisters, did they find me or did the universe work in it’s amazing way and just bring us together?? I like to think it is a combination of all of the above but I know one thing 100% without a doubt I am so very blessed to have them in my life and to have them accept me into theirs. I have four Soul Sisters, you know the sort when you have had enough of everyone else in the world and you turn off chat on your computer to everyone BUT those four beautiful souls, those are my Soul Sisters. No matter what my mood or how much I don’t feel like peopling they are always welcome into my world.

What has brought us together has been through common things we are very passionate about and then the friendships developed from there. Three of my Soul Sisters I meet through a volunteer group helping the pets so it was like interest that joined us.

One started as my boss, one lost her pet and came for help and the other joined me volunteering. The first one lives in another country so it is an internet friendship but we did actually get together for a week and that was fantastic. She was a big part in me giving up drinking as we both drank a lot and decided to give up for 3 months together, she didn’t last that long but I did and just kept going.

The second Soul Sister lost her pet and came to me for help, thankfully her pet was found and we just stayed in contact from there. Our friendship got deeper after I saw her posting on social media about a hard time she was going through and I reached out a lot checking in to see if she was alright. When we first started hanging out together neither of us drunk and a wonderful friendship developed. She does drink now but not to excess and it really doesn’t bother me when she does as we still have a lot of fun and she fully supports me in not drinking.

The third beautiful Soul Sister I meet when she joined us as a volunteer. On and off we had contact and in between doing our roles we did have a bit of friendly banter and she was lovely. One day she reached out to me and it was amazing I think her message was something like “Please I know your busy and understand if you can’t but would we be able to meet? You can come here or I can meet you anywhere, we could have a coffee or if you don’t have time I could give you a quick hug and get to meet you in person?” That made me so happy and yet so nervous and anxious at the same time, the thought of us meeting in the flesh. What if she didn’t like me, what if I came across as a dork, untrendy blah blah blah all sorts of self doubt. Anyway we did meet and we had a lovely time walking the beach and just talking. I could tell straight away that it was meant to be, you know how some people you can feel so comfortable around? It is really rare to find someone that is so warm and open and yet also be such a good listener and express that she wants to know and learn all about you. It wasn’t until after our meeting that I learned that this friend is a bit famous after being on TV sitcoms and in movies etc, thank goodness because like a fool I probably would of been overwhelmed by that fact and not had the confidence to meet her. Once again she does drink but I have never been around her when she does and she is so busy working towards her goals and dreams while helping others that I can tell it doesn’t come very high on her to do list.

My fourth Soul Sister, oh my were do I start she is my heartbeat all the way on the other side of the world. We meet right here and we shared and supported each other in our blogs and I felt like we were brought together to do just that. I would honestly look forward to her posts and then I would sit here nodding away and going OMG yes and often ME TOO!!! She made me laugh, she made me cry and she made me feel so not alone. You can only put so much on here and I think we shared the first parts of our beautiful friendship here with you all but then I wanted to reach out more so I emailed her. If I remember right I put something like “Hey there it’s me Functioning Guzzler AKA …. I thought it was time I introduce myself and see if you were interested in being friends, if not it’s okay just thought I’d see.” I got a reply back pretty quickly and it was a big fat YES!!! I was so happy and our relationship has grown to one were we are hoping to meet each other some time soon. I can’t wait to give her the biggest hug and thank her so much for coming into my life. In a few days time we will both be over 500 days sober and I reckon that having her in my life has been just what I needed, someone who understands and someone I admire for her guts and courage. Here is the link to her blog, have a look it’s fantastic!

https://storminawineglass.com/

I love these ladies so SO much, I probably need them more than they need me being that they are all married and I just have my dogs but I try not to be to needy lol. The difference between these ladies and my previous friends is like black & white, we all care about each other, we want to learn about each other, we want to support each other and see each other get to live our dreams and will help each other anyway we can. These are the sisters that I have chosen and that if you offered me a million dollars or them I would say stick your million.

Living life sober, raw & real freakin rocks. If I had not gone sober and let myself be open to letting these ladies in and being honest and dealing with my shit I would of missed out on the level of friendship I have with them. How did I find my Soul Sisters? Common interests and passion, same beautiful souls, empathy, compassion, caring, open hearts and the willingness to be brave and reach out and find each other.

Connection – We All Need It But Not All Have It

Looking back over my twenty plus years (I do not say that with a sense of pride by the way) living of drinking solid and living as a drinking but so called functioning alcoholic I think one thing that strikes me about it was just how lonely it is and how isolated I had made myself. It is only now that I have made a few friends that I can see just what I was missing out on.

There is something magical about finding people that you connect with deep down in your soul especially now that I am living life sober, raw and real. What you get is me, I am totally honest about my past, about my drinking problem and anything you want to talk about or ask me about is fine. There may be times I am not ready to talk about things but I will tell you I’m not ready yet. Sadly there is also my childhood which I can remember small parts of but the majority of it I can’t fricken remember no matter how hard I try so I can’t really tell you much about it sorry. Please I’m not saying run out in the world and be open and honest with everyone you meet, oh heck no! I learnt something off good old Brene Brown that it’s great to be vulnerable and open but that you pick and choose who you do this with. It’s like you give people pieces of you and trust that they will look after it and not abuse it nor give it to others in away that is using it for their own advantage. As they prove themselves worthy of this trust and if it feels right keep trusting them with pieces of you and this is how a deep and meaningful friendship grows. By doing this with a few that I have felt comfortable doing this with it has meant that I have now got a few friends I call Soul Sisters because I really have trusted them with my soul and I know that they will love it and care for it I trust them and feel totally connected to them. There is no bullshit, there is no side of myself that I hide from them which in turn also means that they love ME the real ME and not the side of me that I portrait to people because that is all I want them to see nor what I think society expects me to be.

This connection is mind blowing and I have never had it before, I am so very, very blessed with my Soul Sisters because they are kind and gentle and very tolerant as I learn to grow and trust. I have a very complicated past with my family and there just isn’t that connection there, my ex ended up being an abusive drug and alcohol infused relationship so between them I have not had a strong connection before. To know that you have people on this earth that love you, care what happens to you, check in on you and also to know that if you need them and let them know they will do what ever they can to help you and be there.

We all need to feel loved, we all need to love at least someone and if your blessed like I am someones. We all need to know that we are not invisible, we need to be heard, we all need to know that we matter. Previously if I had gone through with my suicide plans I think my family would of been devastated, some friends would of been oh how sad but now, well now through connection I have friends that I love and that will always do there best to help me never sink that low again.

Living life sober, raw & real can hurt like a bitch, it brings out all sorts of emotions and feelings that you have been numbing. It has also been keeping me back from amazing emotions and feelings and connections. I didn’t want people around I just wanted my bottle, now I don’t have that to hide behind or under the sun is shining into my life and that, well frankly that gives me a bigger buzz than an alcohol happy drunk moments ever gave me. If you offered me the ability to drink like a “normal” person and not a binge drinking alcohol in exchange for my friends……. it’s never going to be a contest MY FRIENDS AND THE CONNECTIONS I HAVE WITH THEM MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

Missing You

Not sure what I feel like writing about tonight so just bear with me while I just purge what is knocking around in that head of mine.

Well I did cry today because my friend was leaving in to go and live overseas again 😥 I did lay on the couch and pull my hoodie up and over my eyes as I lay there totally sad and blue because I knew she would be at the airport waiting for her flight out. I lay there so long I ended up falling asleep for a while after I pulled a blanket over me trying to positive thought myself out of the sadness I was feeling. You know the sort of positive thoughts…..If she didn’t live this lifestyle we would never of meet in the first place…….She is such an amazing person and has family and friends who also deserve some time with her……..She will be back again some time next year…….I am so blessed to have her in my life……In the time that we have been friends this lady has built me up to believe in myself……..She has encouraged me to grow and reach out for help…………We got to celebrate my one year soberversary with her in the country and had the most amazing time and had ice cream & sorbet together just talking while watching the beach………..She already has so many amazing friends in her life the fact that SHE CHOSE TO REACH OUT TO ME was fuckin amazing on it’s own……I could go on but you get the idea there is so much positive. But then I had to tell myself hey it is okay to be sad and it’s perfectly understandable. I woke up later and decided my sad arse needed fresh air and there is no better way of getting this than walking my two fluffy butts. So harness up the dogs and off we go, it really does help me so much in times of sadness. I came home again and knew that if I left messaging her much longer I would miss her as she would be boarding soon. So I sent her this –

Followed up with –
• Message Me When You Get There • Missing You Like Crazy • Have A Safe Trip • Sleep Well • Refuse Too Say Good Bye – See Yah Soon (But Will Hear From Each Other HEAPS) • Our Bench Will Be Lonely • Oh Screw It – Love You My Beautiful BFF

After receiving “Thank you sweet friend. Love You” and we chatted until she had to board I was smiling through sad tears. I am going to miss her actually being here SO MUCH but we will be staying in contact as much as possible and tell you what it’s going to be one hell of a meeting when we finally get to see each other again and give each other a hug in real life.

Well there you go I did have enough rattling around in that mind of mine to make up a post for you all. But let me add here just for the record I am so glad that I am living life sober now. If I wasn’t I seriously doubt that our friendship would of developed into the love that it is now. Without making myself vulnerable and open to her we would never of developed the depth in our friendship that it has now. Also without her incredible nature and mind blowing way of making you feel that you really do matter and that she wants to hear everything and that she really cares……. oh where am I going with this….. hmmm oh that’s right without all of that and her encouragement I would not of found the inner strength to reach out and get the help I needed with a therapist. (((Sigh)))) I miss her so much already!!!! But if I was drinking I would not of recognized just how blessed I was to have her reach out to me and to have the sense through a clear mind to grab it with both hands. I have had to learn a lot about good friendship because previously I have pushed them away and some times it has hurt like a bitch but I could not of found a better teacher who has so much love and patience with me.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be now because just the blessings that I have received so far are mind blowing.

Hate It When Friends Leave

My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.

I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.

Intimacy

To trust people enough to make yourself vulnerable and share your true self is to receive one of the best blessings in life. To feel that safe that you are willing to take the risk of being intimate with them is to know in your heart that these are your people. I have found people like this but only since I have been sober and have no doubt we would not of reached this level had I still been drinking.

When I was drinking I was living a hidden life of shame, don’t let people in they might find out your dirty little secret. I didn’t have time for friends either as all I wanted to do after work was drink. On weekends I would rise late after a heavy night and normally be in that cloudy hangover state. By the time I had navigated my day into some sort of order and done my chores it would be time to crack open a bottle. I would have a few bottles under my belt by the time most people have finished dinner. I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want people ringing me (texting or messaging or emails are fine) I didn’t want to have to worry if I was slurring or being a rambling idiot.

Living life sober, raw & real IS living, living life drinking and drunk isn’t living at all.
There is no way I would be intimate with people that I do not trust enough but now that I have experienced it you can feel these souls. Living sober and not clouding everything with alcohol your senses and heart are far more open and so much better at reading the people around you.

First Therapy Session – Part 1

My first therapy session lasted for and hour and in that time we covered a LOT. I’m not sure if I will share everything from my sessions with you all but I am willing to share the parts that I am comfortable sharing. What I am hoping is that if any of you are sitting there wondering if you should get therapy / counselling but are holding back for fear of the unknown this might help you. Keep in mind this is my first therapy session (I did have some basic group therapy as a teenager which I have very little memory about. All I can remember from that was correcting the therapist for telling me that I lived in a nice home. I corrected her by saying actually I live in a nice house but a home is a house filled with love. Pretty deep for what age I would of been at the time). And there would be different styles and tactics by therapists and this is only my experience with one therapist.

First off she went through the in’s and out’s of working with her. First off she explained that the place we meet she simply rents the room. The other doctors etc have nothing to do with what she does. All of her notes from our session etc go home with her where she keeps them locked away unless working on them or when she brings them with her on days we will be working together. Then she explained what will happen if we see each other out in public, she said that she will basically be pretending that she doesn’t know me unless I say hi and approach her first. If we should run into each other at something like a rock climbing lesson she would pretend that we are meeting for the first time unless I break the ice. If she ended up working with someone that was a member of my family or anyone that she figures out is linked to me she will not let on to them that she knows me nor share / use any info I have told her and the same would go in reverse with anything they say to her. She explained that she basically has a leader as do all of the registered therapists and if there is something she is working on she might discuss it with this person (but not mention me just the case) and seek a different perspective to it and possibly other suggestions on things to try. Everything we discuss is confidential except she is under an obligation to report to a mental crisis team of Police if she thinks I am in danger of harming myself or committing suicide. The same goes for if she thinks there is a chance that I will hurt someone else or try to murder anyone. But she also assured me that she has been doing this long enough (15 years) that she can tell the difference between letting these thoughts out and actually wanting to act on them so is not prone to panicking about these feelings. She will be taking notes as we talk but at anytime I am welcome to read all of my file should I want to including these notes. She said that it is her job to find the right methods and questions to work with me but she will end each session asking for feedback as every person is different and if I think something is crap or I don’t want to work like that again I have to be honest and tell her the same if there are bits I like I need to tell her those as well. If I feel we are not the right match then that is totally fine along with at any point I feel that our sessions are no longer working and I want to go and try someone else that is totally my call but she will tell me if she thinks I am doing it because we have hit on something that needs to be worked on.

Then she asked me to tell her about myself and why I was here, what was I needing, what was I hoping to achieve. My reply will be tomorrow night 🙂 sorry I have worked late tonight so tired and have to go, I am sure there is other parts that I can’t remember for above so if I think / remember them I will let you know. Plenty of time because we will be meeting once a fortnight, weekly she said was to soon and wouldn’t give me enough time to process etc and 3 weekly isn’t keeping what we are working on fresh enough. But I will say I did feel like this picture, I was sitting there and a part of me felt butt naked being exposed and a part of me was glancing at the time because it felt like we had taken more than an hour but we hadn’t.

This is all finally helping because I am sober, living it raw and real and chucking everything I have at making it work this time. I am loading my sober tool box up with more tools to stay sober, get happier and healthier. Thank you my wonderful friend that kept pushing me to go and give it a try, you know I was super nervous and just wanted you to say oh your okay you don’t need it. Instead you were honest and gently pushed me in the right direction and did not fall for my bullshit of I’m okay I really don’t need it. Thank you for always wanting the best for me in life XOX

Today Was A Beautiful Day

Today was one of those days where it was just perfect. I traveled to spend the afternoon with my Soul Sister. We had planned to meet to celebrate my soberversary and honestly there is no one that I would rather spend the afternoon with and celebrating it with (except my Soul Sister that lives in London, now that would of been freakin awesome if she had been over here and joined us as well).

Oh something totally random that popped into my head on the drive down, we were going to celebrate and I knew I would be 100% sober to drive home again afterwards. We were going to celebrate and I knew I would not have to suffer a hangover tomorrow.

We went for a nice walk along the beach first then went further along the paths around the bay. It was one of those absolutely perfect days when the sun was out and it was a warm day and felt good to be alive. You know what we had to celebrate and it was better than any celebration involving alcohol???? We had ice creams & sorbets and it tasted beautiful, OMG yummo. We sat together talking and eating them under a tree in the shade on the beach front. We then walked along the beach again and sat and talked for a while, she even gave me a soberversary gift!!! I love the gift but I love the card and what she wrote in it even more. The way to my heart is by words and words that mean something and are from the heart. I will treasure this card forever and save it with my birthday card she gave me.

I love our talks and driving home I thought poor thing I think I talked her ears off! I love the fact that she actually really cares and wants to know about everything about me and she always has such words of wisdom that inspire me and make me want to work even harder in the steps to improve my life. Just putting it out to the universe because she might or might not read this but Thank YOU and thank you universe for bringing her into my life as a Soul Sister at exactly the right time. We knew each other before I started my sober journey but never actually meet in person. One day she asked if we could meet up in person and little did I realize that I was meeting someone whom I hope I never ever have be without in my life. We were meant to meet and there is a reason why our meeting took so long. Thank you for making the day so special and for helping me celebrate it exactly how I wanted tooo. XOX

I am living life sober, raw & real, and today I celebrated without alcohol and it was the best celebration I have ever had!

Being Vulnerable Is Worth It

https://brenebrown.com/

I am not exposing my vulnerable side to everyone, but can I just say that I have for my Soul Sisters and the result has been in them ending up as my Tribe. Yesterday for my soberversary I got a video message from one of my sisters and I sat here with tears as I watched it over and over. Had I not given myself permission to share with her my vulnerable side and to be scared of losing her altogether by doing so this friendship would not of become what it is today. It is freakin amazing and I know she will read this and I just wanted to say thank you so much to her. In the video she also gave herself permission to show her vulnerable side and she started to choke up in her message to me (shit I can feel tears rising just typing this). Thank you, thank you, thank you, you turned what was really an average day into one I will never forget and I bet you didn’t realize it would mean so much. I do not have any biological sisters and always wanted one, but I reckon what I have now is even better than that. I have actually been blessed and allowed to choose my own sisters and they are hand picked, limited edition and I couldn’t be happier.

Living life sober, raw & real there is no better blessing you can give yourself. Sobriety has helped me find some of the biggest blessings you can ever find.