Category Archives: Best Friend Ever

Soul Sisters Oceans Apart

I nearly had a panic attack today when a friend told me that it could be a very long time before we open up our borders and let people come into New Zealand again apart from NZ citizens coming home. I sort of have this thing going on in my head that once our lock down is lifted that things will go back to how they were and we will sort out the after math of loss of jobs, businesses even homes but it hadn’t occurred to me that people from overseas might not be able to come into the country for a very long time. The reason this upsets me so much is that my BFF left the country just coming up a year ago (next week to be exact) and she told me don’t worry we will be back some time next year even if it’s just for a visit and not to live again this time around. I cried when she left as she had become such a big part of my life, one of those you didn’t realize you had a gaping hole in your heart only something filled it people. I was like a child who was losing her best friend but pulled myself together holding on to us being back together within a year. I feel so sad that this may not be possible now, I really, really hope she’s wrong. We are oceans apart and even flying it’s about an 18 hour flight, that’s when the planes are flying! Social media is great and messaging etc is awesome and I love that we have that way of staying in contact but it is honestly not the same as being right there with the person.

I can remember one of the last time we were together and it really does feel so much better in person. We had a lovely time and we celebrated my soberversary as you hadn’t been in the country for the actual date. We went for a walk together and went up what felt like a zillion steps up a big hill with the intention of heading to the next suburb, but I think you noticed just how unfit I was and that I was hot and puffing lol. Very graciously you suggested that it was to hot and maybe we should just go back and have celebration ice creams while sitting talking and people watching while looking out to the ocean. That sorbet was so delicious, yummo. When we had time together we would always end it by sitting on a part bench and people watching (well to be honest we spotted people with dogs more, dog watching that’s us) on the beach and looking out at the ocean while just sitting there talking. It always just felt so darn comfortable, there wasn’t any awkwardness and the conversation was very open with questions that only two people that loved, trusted and cared about each other would ever have. It was starting to cool down as the day was drawing to an end but I do remember that I simply didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want to leave you because I knew we wouldn’t be together in person again for a very long time. I can remember it started to get cooler but I could feel the warmth from you both in love and in body heat, I don’t remember you wearing a scent that day and I’m pretty sure if you did I would of remembered because I’m funny like that and remember scents and they always remind me of the person connected to them. I knew you had to go and didn’t want you to but when you said you needed to go now I accepted it. I still hold onto the memory of our parting hug, I could of held onto you forever. To me you are like a sister I have always wanted, I have many issues with my family and my history held me back from more than just casual friendships but you, you broke through that and made me feel noticed, like I mattered. I know that it’s not like that for you as you have real sisters and you have so many friends because you are an amazing friend we are all so lucky to have you in our lives. I miss you so darn much!!!!! I can’t wait until we can share more moments like these but at the moment it just isn’t possible so I’m just going to hang on to the fact that I am so very blessed to have you in my life even if it is oceans apart.

How are you doing? You feeling okay?

Yep I’m asking you all, how are you doing? You feeling okay? Please feel free to comment and make it as short or long as you like, or don’t that’s okay as well just know that I care. If your like me your doing a lot on internalizing because trying to put into words just how your feeling right now is just to overwhelming. You don’t want to add to peoples fear or anxiety, you don’t want to feel silly for, well if your like me enjoying so many parts of lock down but the whole reason why we are under it and how it is making some people behave is making your anxiety go through the roof. If your not sleeping normally and a lot of your energy is going on trying to distract yourself and stay focused on your blessing because the path your mind could go down is not a healthy route to take. Well I want to say to you that your not alone.

This morning I woke up and that exact message was the first thing I saw from a friend “How are you doing? You feeling okay?” I thought for a moment about doing the old “Yip, yip doing good, how about you?” routine and then I remembered who I was messaging back. She is one of those people that if I only give a brief answer she will message me back a pardon. She’s also one of those people that notices when I’m not at my best mentally. Anyway if you watched the Glennon Doyle Instagram clip I put up last night you will understand what I meant when I replied “I guess Iā€™m sort of at the stage I just need someone to sit on the other side of the door with a coffee ā¤ many emotions in a day and just sticking to myself as I deal with them.” Basically saying that just knowing that you are there for me when needed and that you care and want to help, that, that is enough. We chatted for a while longer and she explained how she was feeling and also how she was trying to cope with it.

The whole conversation actually made me feel like the pressure was being released from my body with each message. To have someone you love and admire let you know that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal and that they are pretty sure a heck of a lot of other people are feeling the same just made me feel so much better. It didn’t take away the feelings but it did ease them and it did make me feel like she was sitting on the other side of the door (not the other side of the world which is the reality) with my coffee smiling and sending me virtual hugs. All of that from this simply message – “How are you doing? You feeling okay?”

You are where you are for a reason.

My thoughts are with my BFF Soul Sister tonight, I just found out today that they have had a major tornado through their city. She has not long moved to Nashville and thank goodness she is okay (along with her husband). They have lost a few things with the tornado but the still have their home just no power at this stage. I watched some clips on You Tube of the destruction it has left behind and it is huge along with 24 people dead. At the Air Port you can see it has chucked planes around like they are toys. But aside from all that it has made me feel so very far away and it upsets me that she has just moved there and this is the start of her living there. I feel a million miles away and this actually happened two days ago and yet I did not know anything about it.

Then this afternoon I thought oh my goodness the universe has worked in mysteries ways because it has got them there just in time. She is an incredible person and already they are out helping people, hugging people and just sitting listening to their stories. They are just the sort of people that are needed to help the people that need it. She has a smile that you can’t help but smile back at both inside and out. Her caring, support and wisdom will help many and give them the strength they need to pick themselves up. Basically God has made sure he has an Angel in place to help right when it is needed.

Being A Friend

Nothing spectacular happened today by some standards and yet at the same time something that makes my heart sing did happen. It just as simple as a Soul Sister being on the other side of the world and yet we still message and check in. Lately it feels like she has been carrying me a bit but today I could sense that she was blue and instead I gently showed a couple of blessings that were right there with her and just that made her happy again. Sounds so simple and when you love someone it really is. By taking the time to check in and to listen and hear the unsaid I was able to be there and react to help and from what feels like a zillion miles away I made her smile again. I love, no I LOVE my Soul Sisters ā¤ Actually by helping her and being there for her it has not only helped her but it has made me feel so good too!

Missing My Soul Sisters

I am really missing my Soul Sisters at the moment and they are all out of the country and have been for months now. It’s just one of those nights when you feel a bit of an ache in your heart when you haven’t been around them for so long and you really need your time together. There is always messenger, email or Facetime but those only work if the other person is available. It hurts a little bit more when they are all busy and replies are often a long time apart. I totally understand that they are busy and that they have partners / family that are their priority but it doesn’t make the dull ache go away from missing them so much. They really are like sisters that I would love to see for Christmas but it won’t happen. Hmm maybe I rely more on them because I am single and thats not really fair but I have been thinking of them all a lot and what I wouldn’t give just to have a walk down the beach together, go for lunch and a coffee somewhere. I just have this need to be around people that I am comfortable with and who I know love me and I love them. I would do anything for them and if I needed them they would be there as much as you can when your about 16-18 hours flight time away. Hmmmm this isn’t making me feel any better tonight. I am missing them so much but also know how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am surrounded by people all day and yet I am lonely for the connection of hearts and minds with my chosen sisters.

Living life sober, raw and real is a lot easier when you have your Soul Sisters around more.

To Feel Loved For Me

Following on from last nights post I was going to write a post to explain how I understand a lot of the things that happened to me but I am just not ready. I am not ready to write a post saying how I understand and that it is done and dusted, not yet I just can’t. Instead I was thinking about the feeling invisible and not loved and how going sober has allowed me to experience friendships that make me feel loved, valued, worthy and cared about.

I am talking about the friendships I have made with my friends now, I have spoken about my soul sister before and life is just so different with them in it that I could end up doing lots of posts about them. But what happens is when you get to know people as a friend and then you start to open up and be honest and vulnerable then you are allowing these people to see and if your lucky to fall in love with you for you. There is no bullshit and no pretending to be a certain person to attract them to me because I am sick of bullshit like that. I have a strong desire to love and be loved but I also need it to be 100% real. I am not interested in people falling in love with the person I portray if it is fake and created to attract them into my life. What I have is seriously some sort of magic to me because I have never experienced this depth of friendship before.

If I think of an example I can think of talking openly to one Soul Sister and we talked about how I worried that I would end up dying alone. I haven’t had a partner now for crikey must be 18 years but that is a whole different story. My parents are nearing their 80’s and the only other family I have is my brother. My Soul Sister didn’t hesitate during this conversation and said that if it is at all possible she will not let me die alone that she would be there for me. I know that she remembers that promise and she will move hell and earth if she has to so she could be with me (if I go first that is, she is younger than me but that doesn’t always mean we will go in birth order.

Another example is as you can imagine I have hug insecurities in relationships and am often very insecure and worried that they are leaving my life. I have had panic attacks and got myself very worked up as my mind drives myself crazy after I don’t hear from them in a while. These beautiful ladies put up with this and in fact help to calm me down and have taken the time to tell me how much they love me and assure me that because they don’t answer on the same day or don’t message first that it’s not that they love me any less. They assure me they love me and if I really need them to just let them know, including if I am getting myself worked up so they can assure me. They understand and accept that is a part of me and they know the reasons behind these insecurities.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is this best decision I ever made. Without this sober journey I would not have these Angels in my life who accept and love me for me.

If it’s worth it, talk damn it – communication is key

This weekend is one that I come out of feeling stronger and better for having pushed myself and by once again being honest, open, vulnerable and giving a Soul Sister the trust she deserves by being so with her. It’s a learning curve for me to be like this with people and because I have been so alone for so long the people I have had in my life are the sort that ask how are you and then proceed to tell you about how they are without waiting for your answer. Now I have people in my life that when they ask how are you they actually expect an answer and not just a brush off answer of “Fine, thanks” I have learnt that although that is an answer it is not the correct answer for someone that actually wants to KNOW how you actually are. Also if you are not great they do care and they want you to know that they are willing to just be hear and listen if that’s all that I need.

This weekend has been another example of how blessed I am of having had some Soul Sisters drop into my life at just the right time and they are just the right mix as well. But this post is more about the learning to trust and if there are things that you wonder about in the relationship just freakin ask. It could go bad but if they are the right people and they love you and have patience and understanding they won’t mind. I was worried about a couple of things and a lot about my own insecurities and neediness but after being straight up and honest we were able to hash it out and I didn’t think I could but I feel even more blessed by our friendship than I did before.

Can I say that if you have someone in your life that has been hurt before and others let them down and their self esteem is so low please be patient with them. Please help them to understand that it’s okay to feel that way and you are not going anywhere. If that takes telling them hey I don’t message any of my friends every day and forgive me if I don’t check in on you often enough, it’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t love you. If you need me all you have to do is text and say we need a catch up. Don’t feel that you have to give into our insecurities (because if they are honest like I am being we know why we have them and they seriously piss us off at times as well) but if you both take the time to be straight up it makes a huge difference. So same goes if you are the one with the insecurities, if you are feeling hurt by someone you care about isn’t it worth being vulnerable and taking the time to explain it to them? We can’t fully know how each other is feeling nor exactly what we all need within friendships if we don’t talk openly and honestly with each other.

Communication is vital and a must in any relationship if you are wanting it to work.

Living life sober has made experiencing this weekend possible for me, without the sober life I would still be slurping on a bottle not feeling shit.

Finding My Soul Sisters

Hmm did I find my Soul Sisters, did they find me or did the universe work in it’s amazing way and just bring us together?? I like to think it is a combination of all of the above but I know one thing 100% without a doubt I am so very blessed to have them in my life and to have them accept me into theirs. I have four Soul Sisters, you know the sort when you have had enough of everyone else in the world and you turn off chat on your computer to everyone BUT those four beautiful souls, those are my Soul Sisters. No matter what my mood or how much I don’t feel like peopling they are always welcome into my world.

What has brought us together has been through common things we are very passionate about and then the friendships developed from there. Three of my Soul Sisters I meet through a volunteer group helping the pets so it was like interest that joined us.

One started as my boss, one lost her pet and came for help and the other joined me volunteering. The first one lives in another country so it is an internet friendship but we did actually get together for a week and that was fantastic. She was a big part in me giving up drinking as we both drank a lot and decided to give up for 3 months together, she didn’t last that long but I did and just kept going.

The second Soul Sister lost her pet and came to me for help, thankfully her pet was found and we just stayed in contact from there. Our friendship got deeper after I saw her posting on social media about a hard time she was going through and I reached out a lot checking in to see if she was alright. When we first started hanging out together neither of us drunk and a wonderful friendship developed. She does drink now but not to excess and it really doesn’t bother me when she does as we still have a lot of fun and she fully supports me in not drinking.

The third beautiful Soul Sister I meet when she joined us as a volunteer. On and off we had contact and in between doing our roles we did have a bit of friendly banter and she was lovely. One day she reached out to me and it was amazing I think her message was something like “Please I know your busy and understand if you can’t but would we be able to meet? You can come here or I can meet you anywhere, we could have a coffee or if you don’t have time I could give you a quick hug and get to meet you in person?” That made me so happy and yet so nervous and anxious at the same time, the thought of us meeting in the flesh. What if she didn’t like me, what if I came across as a dork, untrendy blah blah blah all sorts of self doubt. Anyway we did meet and we had a lovely time walking the beach and just talking. I could tell straight away that it was meant to be, you know how some people you can feel so comfortable around? It is really rare to find someone that is so warm and open and yet also be such a good listener and express that she wants to know and learn all about you. It wasn’t until after our meeting that I learned that this friend is a bit famous after being on TV sitcoms and in movies etc, thank goodness because like a fool I probably would of been overwhelmed by that fact and not had the confidence to meet her. Once again she does drink but I have never been around her when she does and she is so busy working towards her goals and dreams while helping others that I can tell it doesn’t come very high on her to do list.

My fourth Soul Sister, oh my were do I start she is my heartbeat all the way on the other side of the world. We meet right here and we shared and supported each other in our blogs and I felt like we were brought together to do just that. I would honestly look forward to her posts and then I would sit here nodding away and going OMG yes and often ME TOO!!! She made me laugh, she made me cry and she made me feel so not alone. You can only put so much on here and I think we shared the first parts of our beautiful friendship here with you all but then I wanted to reach out more so I emailed her. If I remember right I put something like “Hey there it’s me Functioning Guzzler AKA …. I thought it was time I introduce myself and see if you were interested in being friends, if not it’s okay just thought I’d see.” I got a reply back pretty quickly and it was a big fat YES!!! I was so happy and our relationship has grown to one were we are hoping to meet each other some time soon. I can’t wait to give her the biggest hug and thank her so much for coming into my life. In a few days time we will both be over 500 days sober and I reckon that having her in my life has been just what I needed, someone who understands and someone I admire for her guts and courage. Here is the link to her blog, have a look it’s fantastic!

I love these ladies so SO much, I probably need them more than they need me being that they are all married and I just have my dogs but I try not to be to needy lol. The difference between these ladies and my previous friends is like black & white, we all care about each other, we want to learn about each other, we want to support each other and see each other get to live our dreams and will help each other anyway we can. These are the sisters that I have chosen and that if you offered me a million dollars or them I would say stick your million.

Living life sober, raw & real freakin rocks. If I had not gone sober and let myself be open to letting these ladies in and being honest and dealing with my shit I would of missed out on the level of friendship I have with them. How did I find my Soul Sisters? Common interests and passion, same beautiful souls, empathy, compassion, caring, open hearts and the willingness to be brave and reach out and find each other.

Connection – We All Need It But Not All Have It

Looking back over my twenty plus years (I do not say that with a sense of pride by the way) living of drinking solid and living as a drinking but so called functioning alcoholic I think one thing that strikes me about it was just how lonely it is and how isolated I had made myself. It is only now that I have made a few friends that I can see just what I was missing out on.

There is something magical about finding people that you connect with deep down in your soul especially now that I am living life sober, raw and real. What you get is me, I am totally honest about my past, about my drinking problem and anything you want to talk about or ask me about is fine. There may be times I am not ready to talk about things but I will tell you I’m not ready yet. Sadly there is also my childhood which I can remember small parts of but the majority of it I can’t fricken remember no matter how hard I try so I can’t really tell you much about it sorry. Please I’m not saying run out in the world and be open and honest with everyone you meet, oh heck no! I learnt something off good old Brene Brown that it’s great to be vulnerable and open but that you pick and choose who you do this with. It’s like you give people pieces of you and trust that they will look after it and not abuse it nor give it to others in away that is using it for their own advantage. As they prove themselves worthy of this trust and if it feels right keep trusting them with pieces of you and this is how a deep and meaningful friendship grows. By doing this with a few that I have felt comfortable doing this with it has meant that I have now got a few friends I call Soul Sisters because I really have trusted them with my soul and I know that they will love it and care for it I trust them and feel totally connected to them. There is no bullshit, there is no side of myself that I hide from them which in turn also means that they love ME the real ME and not the side of me that I portrait to people because that is all I want them to see nor what I think society expects me to be.

This connection is mind blowing and I have never had it before, I am so very, very blessed with my Soul Sisters because they are kind and gentle and very tolerant as I learn to grow and trust. I have a very complicated past with my family and there just isn’t that connection there, my ex ended up being an abusive drug and alcohol infused relationship so between them I have not had a strong connection before. To know that you have people on this earth that love you, care what happens to you, check in on you and also to know that if you need them and let them know they will do what ever they can to help you and be there.

We all need to feel loved, we all need to love at least someone and if your blessed like I am someones. We all need to know that we are not invisible, we need to be heard, we all need to know that we matter. Previously if I had gone through with my suicide plans I think my family would of been devastated, some friends would of been oh how sad but now, well now through connection I have friends that I love and that will always do there best to help me never sink that low again.

Living life sober, raw & real can hurt like a bitch, it brings out all sorts of emotions and feelings that you have been numbing. It has also been keeping me back from amazing emotions and feelings and connections. I didn’t want people around I just wanted my bottle, now I don’t have that to hide behind or under the sun is shining into my life and that, well frankly that gives me a bigger buzz than an alcohol happy drunk moments ever gave me. If you offered me the ability to drink like a “normal” person and not a binge drinking alcohol in exchange for my friends……. it’s never going to be a contest MY FRIENDS AND THE CONNECTIONS I HAVE WITH THEM MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

Missing You

Not sure what I feel like writing about tonight so just bear with me while I just purge what is knocking around in that head of mine.

Well I did cry today because my friend was leaving in to go and live overseas again šŸ˜„ I did lay on the couch and pull my hoodie up and over my eyes as I lay there totally sad and blue because I knew she would be at the airport waiting for her flight out. I lay there so long I ended up falling asleep for a while after I pulled a blanket over me trying to positive thought myself out of the sadness I was feeling. You know the sort of positive thoughts…..If she didn’t live this lifestyle we would never of meet in the first place…….She is such an amazing person and has family and friends who also deserve some time with her……..She will be back again some time next year…….I am so blessed to have her in my life……In the time that we have been friends this lady has built me up to believe in myself……..She has encouraged me to grow and reach out for help…………We got to celebrate my one year soberversary with her in the country and had the most amazing time and had ice cream & sorbet together just talking while watching the beach………..She already has so many amazing friends in her life the fact that SHE CHOSE TO REACH OUT TO ME was fuckin amazing on it’s own……I could go on but you get the idea there is so much positive. But then I had to tell myself hey it is okay to be sad and it’s perfectly understandable. I woke up later and decided my sad arse needed fresh air and there is no better way of getting this than walking my two fluffy butts. So harness up the dogs and off we go, it really does help me so much in times of sadness. I came home again and knew that if I left messaging her much longer I would miss her as she would be boarding soon. So I sent her this –

Followed up with –
ā€¢ Message Me When You Get There ā€¢ Missing You Like Crazy ā€¢ Have A Safe Trip ā€¢ Sleep Well ā€¢ Refuse Too Say Good Bye ā€“ See Yah Soon (But Will Hear From Each Other HEAPS) ā€¢ Our Bench Will Be Lonely ā€¢ Oh Screw It ā€“ Love You My Beautiful BFF

After receiving “Thank you sweet friend. Love You” and we chatted until she had to board I was smiling through sad tears. I am going to miss her actually being here SO MUCH but we will be staying in contact as much as possible and tell you what it’s going to be one hell of a meeting when we finally get to see each other again and give each other a hug in real life.

Well there you go I did have enough rattling around in that mind of mine to make up a post for you all. But let me add here just for the record I am so glad that I am living life sober now. If I wasn’t I seriously doubt that our friendship would of developed into the love that it is now. Without making myself vulnerable and open to her we would never of developed the depth in our friendship that it has now. Also without her incredible nature and mind blowing way of making you feel that you really do matter and that she wants to hear everything and that she really cares……. oh where am I going with this….. hmmm oh that’s right without all of that and her encouragement I would not of found the inner strength to reach out and get the help I needed with a therapist. (((Sigh)))) I miss her so much already!!!! But if I was drinking I would not of recognized just how blessed I was to have her reach out to me and to have the sense through a clear mind to grab it with both hands. I have had to learn a lot about good friendship because previously I have pushed them away and some times it has hurt like a bitch but I could not of found a better teacher who has so much love and patience with me.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be now because just the blessings that I have received so far are mind blowing.