Following on from last nights post I was going to write a post to explain how I understand a lot of the things that happened to me but I am just not ready. I am not ready to write a post saying how I understand and that it is done and dusted, not yet I just can’t. Instead I was thinking about the feeling invisible and not loved and how going sober has allowed me to experience friendships that make me feel loved, valued, worthy and cared about.
I am talking about the friendships I have made with my friends now, I have spoken about my soul sister before and life is just so different with them in it that I could end up doing lots of posts about them. But what happens is when you get to know people as a friend and then you start to open up and be honest and vulnerable then you are allowing these people to see and if your lucky to fall in love with you for you. There is no bullshit and no pretending to be a certain person to attract them to me because I am sick of bullshit like that. I have a strong desire to love and be loved but I also need it to be 100% real. I am not interested in people falling in love with the person I portray if it is fake and created to attract them into my life. What I have is seriously some sort of magic to me because I have never experienced this depth of friendship before.
If I think of an example I can think of talking openly to one Soul Sister and we talked about how I worried that I would end up dying alone. I haven’t had a partner now for crikey must be 18 years but that is a whole different story. My parents are nearing their 80’s and the only other family I have is my brother. My Soul Sister didn’t hesitate during this conversation and said that if it is at all possible she will not let me die alone that she would be there for me. I know that she remembers that promise and she will move hell and earth if she has to so she could be with me (if I go first that is, she is younger than me but that doesn’t always mean we will go in birth order.
Another example is as you can imagine I have hug insecurities in relationships and am often very insecure and worried that they are leaving my life. I have had panic attacks and got myself very worked up as my mind drives myself crazy after I don’t hear from them in a while. These beautiful ladies put up with this and in fact help to calm me down and have taken the time to tell me how much they love me and assure me that because they don’t answer on the same day or don’t message first that it’s not that they love me any less. They assure me they love me and if I really need them to just let them know, including if I am getting myself worked up so they can assure me. They understand and accept that is a part of me and they know the reasons behind these insecurities.
Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is this best decision I ever made. Without this sober journey I would not have these Angels in my life who accept and love me for me.