Not sure what I feel like writing about tonight so just bear with me while I just purge what is knocking around in that head of mine.
Well I did cry today because my friend was leaving in to go and live overseas again 😥 I did lay on the couch and pull my hoodie up and over my eyes as I lay there totally sad and blue because I knew she would be at the airport waiting for her flight out. I lay there so long I ended up falling asleep for a while after I pulled a blanket over me trying to positive thought myself out of the sadness I was feeling. You know the sort of positive thoughts…..If she didn’t live this lifestyle we would never of meet in the first place…….She is such an amazing person and has family and friends who also deserve some time with her……..She will be back again some time next year…….I am so blessed to have her in my life……In the time that we have been friends this lady has built me up to believe in myself……..She has encouraged me to grow and reach out for help…………We got to celebrate my one year soberversary with her in the country and had the most amazing time and had ice cream & sorbet together just talking while watching the beach………..She already has so many amazing friends in her life the fact that SHE CHOSE TO REACH OUT TO ME was fuckin amazing on it’s own……I could go on but you get the idea there is so much positive. But then I had to tell myself hey it is okay to be sad and it’s perfectly understandable. I woke up later and decided my sad arse needed fresh air and there is no better way of getting this than walking my two fluffy butts. So harness up the dogs and off we go, it really does help me so much in times of sadness. I came home again and knew that if I left messaging her much longer I would miss her as she would be boarding soon. So I sent her this –
Followed up with – • Message Me When You Get There • Missing You Like Crazy • Have A Safe Trip • Sleep Well • Refuse Too Say Good Bye – See Yah Soon (But Will Hear From Each Other HEAPS) • Our Bench Will Be Lonely • Oh Screw It – Love You My Beautiful BFF
After receiving “Thank you sweet friend. Love You” and we chatted until she had to board I was smiling through sad tears. I am going to miss her actually being here SO MUCH but we will be staying in contact as much as possible and tell you what it’s going to be one hell of a meeting when we finally get to see each other again and give each other a hug in real life.
Well there you go I did have enough rattling around in that mind of mine to make up a post for you all. But let me add here just for the record I am so glad that I am living life sober now. If I wasn’t I seriously doubt that our friendship would of developed into the love that it is now. Without making myself vulnerable and open to her we would never of developed the depth in our friendship that it has now. Also without her incredible nature and mind blowing way of making you feel that you really do matter and that she wants to hear everything and that she really cares……. oh where am I going with this….. hmmm oh that’s right without all of that and her encouragement I would not of found the inner strength to reach out and get the help I needed with a therapist. (((Sigh)))) I miss her so much already!!!! But if I was drinking I would not of recognized just how blessed I was to have her reach out to me and to have the sense through a clear mind to grab it with both hands. I have had to learn a lot about good friendship because previously I have pushed them away and some times it has hurt like a bitch but I could not of found a better teacher who has so much love and patience with me.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be now because just the blessings that I have received so far are mind blowing.
My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.
I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.
To trust people enough to make yourself vulnerable and share your true self is to receive one of the best blessings in life. To feel that safe that you are willing to take the risk of being intimate with them is to know in your heart that these are your people. I have found people like this but only since I have been sober and have no doubt we would not of reached this level had I still been drinking.
When I was drinking I was living a hidden life of shame, don’t let people in they might find out your dirty little secret. I didn’t have time for friends either as all I wanted to do after work was drink. On weekends I would rise late after a heavy night and normally be in that cloudy hangover state. By the time I had navigated my day into some sort of order and done my chores it would be time to crack open a bottle. I would have a few bottles under my belt by the time most people have finished dinner. I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want people ringing me (texting or messaging or emails are fine) I didn’t want to have to worry if I was slurring or being a rambling idiot.
Living life sober, raw & real IS living, living life drinking and drunk isn’t living at all. There is no way I would be intimate with people that I do not trust enough but now that I have experienced it you can feel these souls. Living sober and not clouding everything with alcohol your senses and heart are far more open and so much better at reading the people around you.
My first therapy session lasted for and hour and in that time we covered a LOT. I’m not sure if I will share everything from my sessions with you all but I am willing to share the parts that I am comfortable sharing. What I am hoping is that if any of you are sitting there wondering if you should get therapy / counselling but are holding back for fear of the unknown this might help you. Keep in mind this is my first therapy session (I did have some basic group therapy as a teenager which I have very little memory about. All I can remember from that was correcting the therapist for telling me that I lived in a nice home. I corrected her by saying actually I live in a nice house but a home is a house filled with love. Pretty deep for what age I would of been at the time). And there would be different styles and tactics by therapists and this is only my experience with one therapist.
First off she went through the in’s and out’s of working with her. First off she explained that the place we meet she simply rents the room. The other doctors etc have nothing to do with what she does. All of her notes from our session etc go home with her where she keeps them locked away unless working on them or when she brings them with her on days we will be working together. Then she explained what will happen if we see each other out in public, she said that she will basically be pretending that she doesn’t know me unless I say hi and approach her first. If we should run into each other at something like a rock climbing lesson she would pretend that we are meeting for the first time unless I break the ice. If she ended up working with someone that was a member of my family or anyone that she figures out is linked to me she will not let on to them that she knows me nor share / use any info I have told her and the same would go in reverse with anything they say to her. She explained that she basically has a leader as do all of the registered therapists and if there is something she is working on she might discuss it with this person (but not mention me just the case) and seek a different perspective to it and possibly other suggestions on things to try. Everything we discuss is confidential except she is under an obligation to report to a mental crisis team of Police if she thinks I am in danger of harming myself or committing suicide. The same goes for if she thinks there is a chance that I will hurt someone else or try to murder anyone. But she also assured me that she has been doing this long enough (15 years) that she can tell the difference between letting these thoughts out and actually wanting to act on them so is not prone to panicking about these feelings. She will be taking notes as we talk but at anytime I am welcome to read all of my file should I want to including these notes. She said that it is her job to find the right methods and questions to work with me but she will end each session asking for feedback as every person is different and if I think something is crap or I don’t want to work like that again I have to be honest and tell her the same if there are bits I like I need to tell her those as well. If I feel we are not the right match then that is totally fine along with at any point I feel that our sessions are no longer working and I want to go and try someone else that is totally my call but she will tell me if she thinks I am doing it because we have hit on something that needs to be worked on.
Then she asked me to tell her about myself and why I was here, what was I needing, what was I hoping to achieve. My reply will be tomorrow night 🙂 sorry I have worked late tonight so tired and have to go, I am sure there is other parts that I can’t remember for above so if I think / remember them I will let you know. Plenty of time because we will be meeting once a fortnight, weekly she said was to soon and wouldn’t give me enough time to process etc and 3 weekly isn’t keeping what we are working on fresh enough. But I will say I did feel like this picture, I was sitting there and a part of me felt butt naked being exposed and a part of me was glancing at the time because it felt like we had taken more than an hour but we hadn’t.
This is all finally helping because I am sober, living it raw and real and chucking everything I have at making it work this time. I am loading my sober tool box up with more tools to stay sober, get happier and healthier. Thank you my wonderful friend that kept pushing me to go and give it a try, you know I was super nervous and just wanted you to say oh your okay you don’t need it. Instead you were honest and gently pushed me in the right direction and did not fall for my bullshit of I’m okay I really don’t need it. Thank you for always wanting the best for me in life XOX
Today was one of those days where it was just perfect. I traveled to spend the afternoon with my Soul Sister. We had planned to meet to celebrate my soberversary and honestly there is no one that I would rather spend the afternoon with and celebrating it with (except my Soul Sister that lives in London, now that would of been freakin awesome if she had been over here and joined us as well).
Oh something totally random that popped into my head on the drive down, we were going to celebrate and I knew I would be 100% sober to drive home again afterwards. We were going to celebrate and I knew I would not have to suffer a hangover tomorrow.
We went for a nice walk along the beach first then went further along the paths around the bay. It was one of those absolutely perfect days when the sun was out and it was a warm day and felt good to be alive. You know what we had to celebrate and it was better than any celebration involving alcohol???? We had ice creams & sorbets and it tasted beautiful, OMG yummo. We sat together talking and eating them under a tree in the shade on the beach front. We then walked along the beach again and sat and talked for a while, she even gave me a soberversary gift!!! I love the gift but I love the card and what she wrote in it even more. The way to my heart is by words and words that mean something and are from the heart. I will treasure this card forever and save it with my birthday card she gave me.
I love our talks and driving home I thought poor thing I think I talked her ears off! I love the fact that she actually really cares and wants to know about everything about me and she always has such words of wisdom that inspire me and make me want to work even harder in the steps to improve my life. Just putting it out to the universe because she might or might not read this but Thank YOU and thank you universe for bringing her into my life as a Soul Sister at exactly the right time. We knew each other before I started my sober journey but never actually meet in person. One day she asked if we could meet up in person and little did I realize that I was meeting someone whom I hope I never ever have be without in my life. We were meant to meet and there is a reason why our meeting took so long. Thank you for making the day so special and for helping me celebrate it exactly how I wanted tooo. XOX
I am living life sober, raw & real, and today I celebrated without alcohol and it was the best celebration I have ever had!
I am not exposing my vulnerable side to everyone, but can I just say that I have for my Soul Sisters and the result has been in them ending up as my Tribe. Yesterday for my soberversary I got a video message from one of my sisters and I sat here with tears as I watched it over and over. Had I not given myself permission to share with her my vulnerable side and to be scared of losing her altogether by doing so this friendship would not of become what it is today. It is freakin amazing and I know she will read this and I just wanted to say thank you so much to her. In the video she also gave herself permission to show her vulnerable side and she started to choke up in her message to me (shit I can feel tears rising just typing this). Thank you, thank you, thank you, you turned what was really an average day into one I will never forget and I bet you didn’t realize it would mean so much. I do not have any biological sisters and always wanted one, but I reckon what I have now is even better than that. I have actually been blessed and allowed to choose my own sisters and they are hand picked, limited edition and I couldn’t be happier.
Living life sober, raw & real there is no better blessing you can give yourself. Sobriety has helped me find some of the biggest blessings you can ever find.
I have noticed that my brain isn’t all over the place like, oh look hedgehog…… just kidding. It is a lot more settled than it use to be, I can still dart all over the place on here while I emptying out my mind and rambling just to flush it all out, but I have noticed that I can stay focused on things for so much longer than I have been able to for years.
Let’s take my view on life as an example, before I was simply on auto-pilot. I was just “turning up” for what I had to in life. I would just turn up for work and do my job all the while hanging out for home time so I could start drinking. I used to look forward to the weekend purely because then I could drink harder, often until I fell asleep then wake up and finish whatever was left and then go to bed. I would sleep half the day away then “turn up” to anything I HAD to do and do what chores I had to do so that I could get back to the next nights drinking. I was never looking any further than the next drinking session. I had no goals, no drive, no desire to improve myself or my life from the shit hole that it had become.
Now I am learning, I am learning how to make goals. I am learning how to look after myself better mentally and physically. I am learning how to have healthy friendships. I am excited about my future and I am enjoying learning these things. With the goal setting I know my soul is slowly dying in my current job, it served it’s purpose by providing me an income from a job I could do with a hangover and could do the job with my eyes closed. Now I have the desire to find out if being and Animal Welfare Inspector would be a good move for me and my soul so I am exploring my options. If it’s not it’s okay because I am now motivated to keep going and find something that does fire my soul up. I am learning to say no. to things so that I leave enough time for me time, just time to center myself. I am getting out and exercising more with bush walks, dog walks and oh I got my x-trainer repaired so have been using that as well. With my friendships I have found that a lot of my old friends have now become acquaintances and not friends as such anymore. They are not interested in my new life without booze and I have found that we really don’t have a lot in common without it. But I have a few friendships I have made in the last 12 months and they are beautiful friendships with amazing ladies that really do bring out the best in me. Sadly they don’t live where I am and different countries often separate us but we are never fully out of touch. I do get lonely sometimes so will try to work on some new friends locally for coffee and going out for dinners maybe??
As you can see I am loving this new sober life, I was just turning up but now it’s more about what lights up my soul. I can dream and set goals and have things to work towards, I love it. Living life sober, raw and real, I couldn’t think of a bigger blessing I have given myself.