Last night I explained that the love and support of my Soul Sisters are a vital part of my sober journey this time, without them I really don’t believe I would of had the energy to of survived.
Another part of my sober kit is YOU ALL my BLOGGING FRIENDS!!! What an amazing community I have found on here. I have found a life long friend who is now part of my Soul Sister tribe and we communicate off here as well but then there is everyone else. I can not express how much it has meant to me with each and every “like” or “comment” that you have taken the time to do. To feel seen and not invisible is a huge deal along with finding so many that can relate to my journey. It is a huge help to not feel so alone and an even better feeling to know that I have helped some of you on your journeys as well.
I love your words of wisdom, your advice, your sharing of your own experiences, and the encouragement and praise that is given on here makes me feel so good and worthwhile. For those of you that have said you have included me in your prayers I am so grateful ❤ I would not describe myself as a non-believer as I do believe in a higher power but I just struggle with the faith side of things BUT it really does matter that you take them time to include me in your prayers.
I am loving living life sober, raw and real, because of this I can now see things a lot clearer. I was going to say that this is another of the small blessings that I notice but it’s not small it is actually a really big deal and I thank you all so much.
Releasing things on here that have been trapped inside my mind for so, so long really has helped me. In doing so it often makes for an uncomfortable period of time afterwards as I process and sort out ways to deal with what has been released. Some things I haven’t found ways to deal with yet but I am sure I will find a way to life with them and just realize that they are a part of my history and part of what has made me the person I am today.
Something I like is when any of you comment and often give me your thoughts or experiences along with wisdom on my posts. I have often had an ah ha moment and sat here nodding as I read your comment. Some times when you are the one living it you get blind to the obvious. Often you are betting yourself up over something and then someone says something that makes you realize that you have really been carrying the weight on your shoulders when you don’t deserve to and the weight lifts.
For anyone thinking that blogging might be something they would like to try or that it might help you in your journey (no matter what the journey) just give it a try. You have absolutely nothing to lose and you might find some support and kind words like I have. As well as telling your story might help you there is a good chance it may help a total stranger out there as well. My way of looking at it with mine is I am getting support and friends on here that I love having contact with and help me process things. But the best thing I like is while working on myself I have found that it is actually helping many of you as well. I am an alcoholic, rape survivor, forgotten child hmmmm what else have I exposed on here??? But more importantly these things have happened, I can’t change that but I can change my thinking on them. To know that those shitty things in my past have now given me the ability and knowledge that helps others on here really feels great, something positive out of the darkness.
Sober life is the life for me, living it raw & real, feeling it all and actually having the desire to build a plan for the future has to be one of the greatest feelings after living a life trapped in a cloudy alcohol fused body.
Seriously how do you find the right counselor / therapist?? I have no idea how to do this, I just basically went through and search the area that I lived and picked the one that I thought might be okay and with what they specialize in. None of them had everything I was looking for and the one I picked I’m really not sure about anymore. Not only does she do counselling and life coaching but she is also a director or something at some company that makes vitamins / health products blah blah that is part of the healthy living plan. I have Googled the products and the reviews aren’t great from what I can see. I worry she’s going to try to push this stuff on to me. Also she is Asian and please before you start I am not racist I watched a couple of small Youtube clips with her in it and I did struggle to follow what she was saying without listening to it a second time. She does speak English but hmm with words missing that we would use to make a full sentence if that makes sense. I am sure she is a lovely person but I don’t want to be unsure on what she tells me because I don’t understand and nor do I want to waste the time I’m paying for having to ask her to explain again.
I’m scared of pushing forward and doing this but I know that I have to but far out how are you suppose to know what to do here. I’m tired and am having trouble drumming up the energy to do this. Yes a part of me is screaming fuck it, don’t do it then. You can deal with this, you have already for this long. The other part of my mind is saying hey you need inner peace. Also I scared the shit out of myself the other day when I hurt a friend and then realized that it was my way of starting to push her away. I have to stop this habit and whether I can do it myself or whether I need help and to learn how to be a better friend I don’t know. I just know that I have people in my life now that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to deal with shit like this in order to make sure I don’t lose them.
I am glad that I am no longer the not functioningguzzler because if I was I would of just had another drink and not progressed this far and would of pushed the friends away OR not let them in at all and that would of been bloody sad. Living life sober, raw and real with people that love me and are worth fighting this for.
This came up in my Facebook feed today and I think it’s pretty relevant as it ties in with what I am going through and how my armour has me stuck.
‘I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armour is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
Author: Brené Brown
So sorry I am to tired tonight to come up with anything original nor to deal with any of my thoughts BUT I do want to say a huge thank you for those that checked in on me. God my tribe is awesome and together we make a kick arse tribe. God help anyone that is an arsehole to one of us and they others witness it 🙂 Big Love To You ❤
P.S. Still sober and don’t worry about that I’m fucken staying that way xox
I have freaked myself the fuck out!! I reached out to a counselor and now I feel myself thinking why don’t I just turn it all off again and stop dragging up the past that I can’t fix, just accept it all as done and history, and look forward to the future. I don’t want to go to a counselor because frankly sharing personal shit with anyone is not my style and I am so uncomfortable doing it. A part of me is angry that I am the one that has to do the whole counselling thing when I didn’t cause the shit I am dealing with and the people that have are just living their lives no problem. Why don’t they go and do shit they are uncomfortable doing and pay for having to do it to add salt to the wound. Okay now a part of me feels like I’m acting like an immature brat.
A huge part of the reason I reached out is because I was hoping that writing it out on here and talking to friends I would just slowly sort it out myself. It has definitely helped and I will keep doing it but I also realized that it is not my friends job to help fix me. They didn’t cause this shitty mess and they don’t have to pick up the pieces this cluster fuck is mine to deal with. Also if your forever trying to nut things out with people it can really end up being a downer for them and I don’t want that. I love my friends so much but I don’t want to burden them with this bullshit. If my doctor had arranged for some counselling way back when I asked for some I would possibly be much further along in my healing than I am. If she had arranged help when I first asked for it I might not of relapsed back into drinking again. These are all what if’s and the answer will never be known.
I almost feel myself leaning towards closing back down again but I know that it would be dangerous to do with where I am at. I was reaching the point were I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with others anymore as it feels like I am leaning on others to solve my problems. I feel like a part of this journey and road to recovery is with me working this out and feeling it all and straightening it all out in my own head. I do find that sharing it helps but it also feels like I am sharing the weight of it all and some times it just feels like it’s not a healthy balance because all I am bringing to the friendship is bullshit and needs. A part of me feels that it is just increasing the width of the negative reach of it all. I don’t know if I’m going to go through with the counselling or not as I have chopped and changed my mind so many times. I am scared, uncomfortable, tense, worried, nervous, pissed off and feeling lonely and afraid in my own mind. Grrr dear I say it I want to drink to numb out all those feelings. Nine months, ten days, 4 hours, 52minutes sober I ain’t gonna blow it now because I am being pathetic.
Well I guess that makes it official then, I asked for copies of my medical records and in the file I find that my doctor has listed me as an alcoholic. Don’t really know why that shocked me so much to see that on my fact sheet along with allergies etc. But it really has fucked me off and here is why. I have discussed my drinking with my doctor asking for help and her reply has been “oh your not that bad are you, if you really want it come back and see me and I’ll see what I can do”. Now I don’t know if any of you have ever asked your doctor (or any other medical professional for that matter) for help with something you are embarrassed and ashamed of yourself for but I can tell you that for me it was a fucken big deal. With a brush off comment like that you just instantly shut back down and I probably muttered something like nah I’ll be right I just won’t drink or will cut down and left. But for me to see that she actually thought it was bad enough to actually add it to my file but to not help has really fucked me off.
In a visit since while checking in at reception the nurse actually asked me (with others able to hear in the waiting room) so how much do you drink each night now? Of cause I lied and said or just one or two but who the hell wouldn’t with everyone listening. I was really a taken back and thought maybe it was alcohol awareness week or some stupid thing and they were asking everyone. Guess now I was a bit gullible there in my thinking now it’s so obvious in my records.
I’m also pissed with the fact that “Alcoholic” will forever be on my medical records no matter where I go. It’s my own stupid fault and it is true but it feels like I have been branded for good now.
***Warning topic is suicide and some may find it upsetting. I am not saying any names nor how they took their lives. All people discussed are or have been under professional care.***
We have a problem in our community and sadly it is suicide, I think our region has the highest rate of suicide in our country. Last year we lost one young girl from our team at work. She simply didn’t turn up for work one day and we had been trying to phone with no reply. In the afternoon the Police came in and we found out that she left her parents home to come to work and then arrived back home saying she was starting late and was going for a sleep. The mother went to work and went to ring her later to make sure she woke up in time to come to work, there was no reply. Her Mum sensed something was wrong (she knew that this beautiful young lady was being treated for depression) and she flew home and found her deceased. This beautiful young lady was in a relationship were her partner was having his own mental issues due to the death of a family member. She openly talked about how she was going to kill herself and how she wanted her funeral.
There was a young man who used to work with us that committed suicide last year as well. Very sad as his fiance was only weeks away from having a baby and he already had son from a previous relationship that he had raised on his own. He suffered from depression as well. One night he said he was going for a walk and left. He never came home again. His partner tried calling and heard the cellphone ringing, it had been left on the bench in the kitchen and we are pretty sure that was on purpose as he didn’t want anyone contacting him. His body was found the next day close by.
This week at work is super stressful because my boss is away so I am the boss and I have 2 staff members who are off work for mental health reasons. They are both so young and have their whole lives ahead of them. One is reaching out for love in totally the wrong way and the other is their trying to support but getting confused as it develops into more but sadly it’s not exclusive because everything is so messed up. For one of them I feel it is like a deja vu of the first case with the young lady. I look back now and I see as much as it hurt we could not save her, she was a case of when not if, this other young lady is giving all the same signs. She has already made attempts and been committed to care. Now the young man that is trying to help her and ending up an emotional wreck himself is actually a brother to the second young person mentioned above. Because all of this is happening around him it has brought up all sort of issues that he has not dealt with. This young man has now made one attempt to end his life and thank God his mother found him.
Now I have 2 team members off on mental health leave and a team that are struggling to cover and keep up with the work load which is actually effecting all of their mental health. The ripple effect of everything is terrible and so overwhelming. But what I see scares me, mental health problems are like a sink hole and if people aren’t careful they to get dragged in and are struggling to fight their way out. My other young team members took a long time to recover from their first loss and frankly now they are not coping but there is help in place for them.
It is looking at things from a different side from when I wanted to take my own life…..