Missed You All

Gosh it feels like forever since I’ve been on here and I really did miss you all. Wow in the last 3 months I have been pushed to my limits and I have had to give everything I had just to getting through. I honestly didn’t even have the energy at the end of each day to come on here and I couldn’t get my thought in order enough to be able to type them into a readable blog. I didn’t reach for the bottle which I am happy about but I would be a liar if I pretended I hadn’t thought about it. What I did do in the end was reach for the phone and call my doctor and say I don’t know what you can do to help me but I need help. There has been a lot going on in my personal life and at the same time I have been very aware of some of what has been happening around the world and it honestly felt like everything just came crashing down but I had to keep my shit together because my dog was so unwell I needed to stay on top of his game to pull him through. I am pretty confident that I have never pushed myself so hard mentally, physically and financially and all of this together was just so over whelming. No doubt I will break it down further in here some time as I process things and slowly crawl back to feeling human again.

Today if I had to focus on one thing it would have to be the whole Black People Matter and I totally agree with it. Before anyone starts with “All People Matter” just don’t! I think the best analogy I saw went something like this. If you have children and one of those children are sick then you give more of your focus on that child as you nurse it and give it all the TLC that it needs. You don’t love your other children any less, it’s just that this one right then and there requires your attention. So yes All People Matter but right here, right now the Black People Matter is where the attention needs to be. I am really disappointed to say that in my own family there is more racism than even I realized. I used to give people a free pass and think oh it’s how it was when you grew up or it was how you were raised but the other day I was listening to words coming out of my brothers mouth and that made me think that free pass was bullshit. We both had the same parents and upbringing (sort of) but I do not think like he does and I think his racist views are disgusting and I didn’t realize that they ran so deep.

Well enough for tonight but I will be back again real soon, tonight was more a ramble to start to get my flow back.

Surrounded By Love

I truly do feel surrounded by the love at the moment and it really is because I let myself be raw and honest and let people see my pain and the overwhelming feeling of desperation. By actually doing this and reaching out to my friends for support I was able to get through a very difficult time with the support I needed rather than trying to face and cope with it all on my own. Although I broke down crying numerous times during the day once I reached out and started to feel the support I also felt my inner strength grow. This is something that I have no experienced before and I have to say it was freakin amazing. The support and love that I have been shown now is incredible and it really does make my heart sing and that feeling just glows out into my whole emotional being. I am certainly not the type that will ever being a needy friend but this weekend aged 51 a really big lesson has been learnt. Do not just support your friends because that makes me feel good BUT also allow them the chance to return the favor so they to can experience the good feelings I get when I help them.

The day after a suicide attempt

Okay I am going to write this out here and maybe I will cop some abuse for it maybe not but there is a side to suicide and mental illness that I believe does not get discussed enough and needs to be. I want to write from the side of a friend of an incredible lady that suffers from mental illness and yesterday external influences that have pushed her over the edge an she posted her final farewell with the full intention of taking her own life just to get rest from it all. This may appear selfish because I know it’s not all about me but there needs to be focus on the innocent victims of mental illness as well. I am also writing this with a past history of myself wanting to take my own life. In hindsight I can see now that I didn’t want to kill myself but I too just wanted it to stop, it is exhausting to reach and feel this way. You are so tired you have already fought for so long and you really need to stop the pain, desperation, hurt and feeling that there is no way back from where you currently find yourself. There probably is but you are so tired your ability to see this is also exhausted and those sort of hopes and visions ran out a long time ago.

Today I am tired so very tired, the amount of adrenaline that pumps through your body when you are trying to find a loved one or hoping to hear from others from your support group that one of them have found you and that you are okay is insane. Then to see that you had been found and everyone was celebrating but I was sitting there is tears because no one was saying if you were dead or alive. Then the message came through that all is well the police in a town are transporting her to the nearest city. I hated doing it but my reply back was that’s great but is she okay, is she alive??? The reply that came back was “oh shit I don’t know I was just excited to hear that they had her”. It is one thing to have you but it is a totally different thing to know that you are okay. What had you done, what damage had been done, where you still with us if so at what capacity????? I think you must be still with us because otherwise why would they transport you!! It was another two hours before a message came through saying that you are in the hospital and that the Police are working with Mental Health services to help you and that there would be an update in the morning. Seriously that was great and told us that you must still be alive but nothing about the state of you -FUCK!!!! Once again people where celebrating and saying thank fuck but I was sitting here with a sense of disbelief that the person that gave the update didn’t at least tell us how you were.

I kept checking my phone through the night and nothing it was the first thing I looked at when I woke up this morning and again I cried. I cried as I read a message from yourself saying that you were home again and that someone was with you and you would be taking a few days to rest and regroup. You explained that you realized you were in trouble and had ended up driving yourself to a towns Police Station and they helped you from there. Everyone agreed at the hospital that provided your friend stayed with you going home to your animals would be the best place for you. So the Police drove you back from the hospital to your car and you both drove home from there.

Seriously I am not angry with you but I am angry with your mental illness and what it does to you and also what it puts us all through. This was the start of a long weekend and the roads were crazy busy and here was a suicidal lady driving in it – scary thought. You have been running an animal rescue from your own which I have been watching the amount of animals increase at an alarming rate. I know they always help you when you are down and them needing you helps you focus and regroup but they are a huge emotional and financial drain. This week was extremely hard for you in the rescue world with 3 deaths but none of them were your fault. Those animals were sick already and the people that gave them to you should of either taken care of ending their suffering or nursed them in old age themselves not passed them on to a rescue. Now today I am sitting here and watching your friends fight. It seems just like having an asshole everyone all so has an opinion and they are coming out. They are arguing because some are trying to figure out what to do with the animals others are saying leave you alone you need time fuck the animals you won’t let them down. It is getting ugly with the fighting and it’s so hard to watch. Everyone is tired and emotionally drained. I fully understand both sides but the fact they are falling apart rather than coming together is not helping. With the hard week in rescue combined with the continued bullshit treatment from our Government departments no wonder you reached this dangerous level. Apparently there is a wait for the counselling you require and that really sucks because you need help in realizing that these shitty events must not mean that you can’t see anyone out other than to take your own life.

I am sitting here wondering what I can do and fully aware that I have to be careful not to go charging in with all guns blazing because I am still on my journey of healing myself. It is not your fault and it’s not my fault but I don’t know what to do as I can’t keep riding this roller coaster but I also can’t abandon you. You are one of my friends and I love you, you don’t abandon your friends but I need to work out healthy boundaries for myself.

Finding a silver lining in this – The past 24 hours has been so stressful and the thought of sitting down and having a drink to relax sounds lovely but I know that for me that just isn’t possible because I NEVER stop at just one drink. Also I am not ruining over a year sober because of fucken mental health. See I have the clarity in my mind to know this part of me. Living life sober, raw and real feeling every bit can be hard but there is also beauty.

Therapy Session 3.3

Alright did I tell you that we packed a LOT into our hour plus session???

My therapist asked what do I mean when I say “I want to be a better friend”? I had to stop and think and I explained that I actually think I am a pretty awesome friend if I was honest because I care for the ones that I let into my heart so deeply that I really would die for them. I told her that I have a saying that I tell them that when I become your friend I need to warn them that I love hard. I told her that I once warned one of my friends about loving hard and her reply was – “I’m not sure why you think you need to “warn” anyone that you “love hard”? Everyone in my life loves with everything they’ve got. Not sure what the point is, if you don’t?! “ I didn’t really have a reply to that one and told her that it probably meant I needed another therapy session! My therapist said that she loves my saying that I love hard and that is wonderful. But she said she still didn’t understand why I said I wanted to be a better friend. I went on to explain that I worry with my insecurities and now that we have figured out that I’m not being silly they are linked with my abandonment issues that I am too desperate and needy. I worry that I could be too draining for people with my needs and fuck things up and lose them. My therapist explained that what I have been though is a big thing and she feels from what I have said that if I explain this and are honest with my friends that they would understand where it was coming from. I told her that I have had it were I start to get closer to people and then I panic and get speed wobbles and push them away. I did this once and I bet myself up for days afterwards for doing so! It was to the same friend and OMG she is so wise and patient and I was honest with what had happened and apologized for what I did and once again her reply just melted me – “Well you would need to push a lot harder than that to lose me.” My therapist told me that from everything I have said she believes that this friend has started the teaching cycle on me. Well how blessed am I then, freakin blessed that’s how blessed.

We moved on then discussing more about the Animal Welfare Investigator but I think I blogged about that the other night. I told her that it is a job that sadly can result in a high percentage of people that end up alcoholics because of just what they have to deal with. She asked what is my biggest fear with doing that job and my answer was to see the animals suffering and to feel and hear their pain. My absolute worst fear would be to ever have to leave them in that situation knowing they are suffering but because of the law we might not be able to help them straight away. As an animal lover she said yes that would be terrible and it’s not a job she would be able to do. This discussion went on for a while and ended with her assigning me the home work of coming up with a list of good reasons why I thought it would be a good job e.g. if an animal was suffering I would be in a position to end that suffering. I would not be to blame for it’s suffering in the first place but I would be the one to put a stop to it if there was no chance of it ever recovering.

Living life sober, raw and real will certainly be challenging at times and I’m gonna need my friends to remind me just what a warrior I am and that I really do slay dragons so I give it all I’ve got but I know they will. The main thing is to keep being honest, raw and open and don’t go back in and hiding things that really matter.

First Therapy Session – Part 2

One thing that my therapist said that made me smile but is so true was “No one wants to become an alcoholic, no one wakes up one day and say’s I’m going to make it my goal to become and alcoholic. They just don’t, it’s not something we decide we are going to do.” Shit not a truer word has been said, not once did I think I wanted to be an alcoholic and yet here we are. I even kidded myself for 20 something years that I wasn’t an alcoholic but was just a binge drinker. Anyway that was just one of the little pearls that she mentioned and I think there are going to be many more.

When it was my turn to speak (I could at any time but preferred to just listen at first to all her explanation on how it works with working with her all the time sizing her up and trying to decide if I wanted to work with her or not) I told her that I have been an alcoholic for over 20 years and that this time around I have been sober for over a year. I explained that I wanted to work the hardest I ever have to ensure that I stay sober and was hoping that she could help me. All the while she was listening and every so often writing. There was lots of “that was really sad” or “you really have had a terrible time in your life” which made me feel so uncomfortable. It didn’t take her long to tune into some things and ask for further clarification on them. We discussed one of my rapes and I explained how I felt about it and my thoughts on it now. She said that I have a good way of thinking about it, but I can tell that won’t be the last I hear of it. A bit later she brought it up again and said how terrible he actually took your virginity, hmm yep he did and I hadn’t really thought about that before I don’t know why but just haven’t. Anyway there was more things like the not bonding with my mother and how I watched a documentary on the Romanian orphans and how because they weren’t cuddled or handled much they rock back and forth in their beds to self sooth and how I do that. We talked about how I need help with dealing with friendships in a more healthy way and not cling on so much and then push away when things get to close. She explained that this was totally understandable and links back to what I have been through. When she asked about my childhood I had to tell her that I don’t actually remember my childhood, this simply brought the comment of “there is a reason for that“.

At the end of all the talking she said what she would like to work on with me first is mindfulness & self caring. She said she wants to help me increase and be able to tap into the peaceful times in my mind. I am not 100% sure what she means on self care, whether it is more me time or more health and exercise I don’t know. Oh she said that she will be working on my ability to be okay with people leaving me and that I will learn that I will be okay if they do and I will even be okay if they don’t come back. I am not even sure what that one has to do with. I know I panic about my friends going away overseas but we didn’t discuss this side of it so she has tapped into something else. She told me that she has tapped into the fact that I am intelligent and smart and that she thinks I will quickly learn what she teaches me and also at learning what methods are best for me.

Today was difficult as I had to explain to my boss that I was seeing a therapist and that she only works during the same hours that I am so I will need to take time out of work. Thankfully I had already told him years ago that I was an alcoholic so I didn’t have to go all over that again. I have asked if we can find away to not let the rest of the staff know what I’m doing, I’m not ashamed I just can’t be fucked explaining anything to them.

I am living life sober, raw and real and I am working my arse off to full my tool box with the tools it takes to ensure I stay that way.

Another component of my sober kit

Last night I explained that the love and support of my Soul Sisters are a vital part of my sober journey this time, without them I really don’t believe I would of had the energy to of survived.

Another part of my sober kit is YOU ALL my BLOGGING FRIENDS!!! What an amazing community I have found on here. I have found a life long friend who is now part of my Soul Sister tribe and we communicate off here as well but then there is everyone else. I can not express how much it has meant to me with each and every “like” or “comment” that you have taken the time to do. To feel seen and not invisible is a huge deal along with finding so many that can relate to my journey. It is a huge help to not feel so alone and an even better feeling to know that I have helped some of you on your journeys as well.

I love your words of wisdom, your advice, your sharing of your own experiences, and the encouragement and praise that is given on here makes me feel so good and worthwhile. For those of you that have said you have included me in your prayers I am so grateful ❤ I would not describe myself as a non-believer as I do believe in a higher power but I just struggle with the faith side of things BUT it really does matter that you take them time to include me in your prayers.

I am loving living life sober, raw and real, because of this I can now see things a lot clearer. I was going to say that this is another of the small blessings that I notice but it’s not small it is actually a really big deal and I thank you all so much.

Releasing = Power = Freedom

Releasing things on here that have been trapped inside my mind for so, so long really has helped me. In doing so it often makes for an uncomfortable period of time afterwards as I process and sort out ways to deal with what has been released. Some things I haven’t found ways to deal with yet but I am sure I will find a way to life with them and just realize that they are a part of my history and part of what has made me the person I am today.

Something I like is when any of you comment and often give me your thoughts or experiences along with wisdom on my posts. I have often had an ah ha moment and sat here nodding as I read your comment. Some times when you are the one living it you get blind to the obvious. Often you are betting yourself up over something and then someone says something that makes you realize that you have really been carrying the weight on your shoulders when you don’t deserve to and the weight lifts.

For anyone thinking that blogging might be something they would like to try or that it might help you in your journey (no matter what the journey) just give it a try. You have absolutely nothing to lose and you might find some support and kind words like I have. As well as telling your story might help you there is a good chance it may help a total stranger out there as well. My way of looking at it with mine is I am getting support and friends on here that I love having contact with and help me process things. But the best thing I like is while working on myself I have found that it is actually helping many of you as well. I am an alcoholic, rape survivor, forgotten child hmmmm what else have I exposed on here??? But more importantly these things have happened, I can’t change that but I can change my thinking on them. To know that those shitty things in my past have now given me the ability and knowledge that helps others on here really feels great, something positive out of the darkness.

Sober life is the life for me, living it raw & real, feeling it all and actually having the desire to build a plan for the future has to be one of the greatest feelings after living a life trapped in a cloudy alcohol fused body.

Finding the right counselor /therapist

Seriously how do you find the right counselor / therapist?? I have no idea how to do this, I just basically went through and search the area that I lived and picked the one that I thought might be okay and with what they specialize in. None of them had everything I was looking for and the one I picked I’m really not sure about anymore. Not only does she do counselling and life coaching but she is also a director or something at some company that makes vitamins / health products blah blah that is part of the healthy living plan. I have Googled the products and the reviews aren’t great from what I can see. I worry she’s going to try to push this stuff on to me. Also she is Asian and please before you start I am not racist I watched a couple of small Youtube clips with her in it and I did struggle to follow what she was saying without listening to it a second time. She does speak English but hmm with words missing that we would use to make a full sentence if that makes sense. I am sure she is a lovely person but I don’t want to be unsure on what she tells me because I don’t understand and nor do I want to waste the time I’m paying for having to ask her to explain again. 

I’m scared of pushing forward and doing this but I know that I have to but far out how are you suppose to know what to do here. I’m tired and am having trouble drumming up the energy to do this. Yes a part of me is screaming fuck it, don’t do it then. You can deal with this, you have already for this long. The other part of my mind is saying hey you need inner peace. Also I scared the shit out of myself the other day when I hurt a friend and then realized that it was my way of starting to push her away. I have to stop this habit and whether I can do it myself or whether I need help and to learn how to be a better friend I don’t know. I just know that I have people in my life now that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to deal with shit like this in order to make sure I don’t lose them.

I am glad that I am no longer the not functioningguzzler because if I was I would of just had another drink and not progressed this far and would of pushed the friends away OR not let them in at all and that would of been bloody sad. Living life sober, raw and real with people that love me and are worth fighting this for.

Thank You Brene Brown

This came up in my Facebook feed today and I think it’s pretty relevant as it ties in with what I am going through and how my armour has me stuck.

‘I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armour is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

Author: Brené Brown

https://brenebrown.com/

So sorry I am to tired tonight to come up with anything original nor to deal with any of my thoughts BUT I do want to say a huge thank you for those that checked in on me. God my tribe is awesome and together we make a kick arse tribe. God help anyone that is an arsehole to one of us and they others witness it 🙂 Big Love To You ❤ 

P.S. Still sober and don’t worry about that I’m fucken staying that way xox

Running Scared

I have freaked myself the fuck out!! I reached out to a counselor and now I feel myself thinking why don’t I just turn it all off again and stop dragging up the past that I can’t fix, just accept it all as done and history, and look forward to the future. I don’t want to go to a counselor because frankly sharing personal shit with anyone is not my style and I am so uncomfortable doing it. A part of me is angry that I am the one that has to do the whole counselling thing when I didn’t cause the shit I am dealing with and the people that have are just living their lives no problem. Why don’t they go and do shit they are uncomfortable doing and pay for having to do it to add salt to the wound. Okay now a part of me feels like I’m acting like an immature brat. 

A huge part of the reason I reached out is because I was hoping that writing it out on here and talking to friends I would just slowly sort it out myself. It has definitely helped and I will keep doing it but I also realized that it is not my friends job to help fix me. They didn’t cause this shitty mess and they don’t have to pick up the pieces this cluster fuck is mine to deal with. Also if your forever trying to nut things out with people it can really end up being a downer for them and I don’t want that. I love my friends so much but I don’t want to burden them with this bullshit. If my doctor had arranged for some counselling way back when I asked for some I would possibly be much further along in my healing than I am. If she had arranged help when I first asked for it I might not of relapsed back into drinking again. These are all what if’s and the answer will never be known. 

I almost feel myself leaning towards closing back down again but I know that it would be dangerous to do with where I am at. I was reaching the point were I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with others anymore as it feels like I am leaning on others to solve my problems. I feel like a part of this journey and road to recovery is with me working this out and feeling it all and straightening it all out in my own head. I do find that sharing it helps but it also feels like I am sharing the weight of it all and some times it just feels like it’s not a healthy balance because all I am bringing to the friendship is bullshit and needs. A part of me feels that it is just increasing the width of the negative reach of it all. I don’t know if I’m going to go through with the counselling or not as I have chopped and changed my mind so many times. I am scared, uncomfortable, tense, worried, nervous, pissed off and feeling lonely and afraid in my own mind. Grrr dear I say it I want to drink to numb out all those feelings. Nine months, ten days, 4 hours, 52minutes sober I ain’t gonna blow it now because I am being pathetic.