Category Archives: Ashamed

What went wrong?? Time to look at ME.

Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.

Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.

Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.

Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.

Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.

Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.

Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.

Don’t give up on me yet, I’m down but I’m not out and I am little but I am fierce as hell!


And my insecurities show on here again!!!

God I can be a fucken insecure idiot!!! There really is no better way to describe myself and how I get all worked up and build up shit in my own mind. How the hell do my poor friends cope, although in fairness I moan, cried and carried on about it on here and didn’t actually tell them and thank goodness for that. If I had told them I would of felt even stupider than I do right now. I even feel dumb sharing this on here but it’s better I share my insecurities and crazyness with you all than you think poor little me (well on this one anyway lol).

So I got myself all upset because I thought a couple of my Soul Sisters that I had asked to share my soberversary with has forgotten. These two amazing souls are always so busy, they both have so much going on. I LOVE my Soul Sisters so much, I have never had a sister so these are super special because they are my chosen sisters. Would I die for them? Hmmmm you know what I think I would. Yep I am procrastinating and not getting to the point.

On the weekend my beautiful Soul Sister hmmm I keep wanting to give her the nickname Lala (probs cause she makes my heart sing) because I don’t want to use her real name on here. ANYWAYS she asked me when are we celebrating your soberversary? I really was so freakin happy!!! She remembered, woop, wooop feeling so blessed right in that moment. Oh my God it is amazing how much my feelings can fluctuate with my friends, I really do ride an emotional roller coaster and I am the craziest driver!! Not just a hazard to my own mental health but can be hazardous to others as well! Now she can’t do anything on the actual date but we do now have plans for a get together on the 10th, YAS!!!!! so happy and I absolutely love any time we get together.

Now onto second Soul Sister who made contact tonight, I can’t think of a nickname for her yet but anyway while telling me what dates she is going to be out of the country she drops in so when are we getting together to celebrate. Shit I’m surprised you can’t all see my smile from where ever you are in the world!!! These ladies really do work so hard and have such busy lives that the fact they both remembered without prompting shows me how much they really do care and what a total idiot I have been. I told her I honestly thought she had forgotten with her crazy life. We can’t do anything until she comes back home again but then we will. I am really hoping that I can do something with her and Lala because they are both so special to me and have both meant so much to me this year. Without them (and the support of my other Soul Sister oh and you all on here) I really wouldn’t of seen the potential I have got to make the rest of my life into something AMAZING.

These Souls Sisters were hmmm what I would call friends but not really that well known until this past year with my sober journey and along with my blogging Soul Sister I really couldn’t of been blessed more than with these 3 amazing ladies, all so smart, funny, loving, caring, hard working, empathetic and oh a must for me all love animals. I feel so stupid that I felt the way I did and that I carried on like I did feeling all let down. I am such a slow learner I have to learn that I can trust and rely on people but also if they do let me down it’s not because they don’t care but simply because they forgot or life has got too busy.

Signed very sorry I ever doubted your level of caring my Soul Sister Tribe XOXO living life Sober, raw & real, is so fucken awesome. Without it I wouldn’t be living the life I am now with visions of a bright future.

I think I might need a warning label of some sort??

I am so freakin sensitive and emotional, I have always, always felt things very deeply and I have always had the ability (hmmm not sure if that is the right word) to feel others pain deeply. I don’t know if at the moment the fact that I am menopausal as well is increasing it but pretty bloody sure it would. I feel sorry for my friends some times but I think I am pretty good at hiding it. I hurt so easily and even have to tell myself to stop being stupid in relation to often taking things that the say or do the wrong way. I think I need to wrap myself in fragile tape or something.

I used to push everyone away and not let people in but now that I have let people in I LOVE them so much!! But letting people into your life isn’t always easy as I have insecurities because of my past. I’m pretty sure we all have things that we are insecure about but there are one’s that I have that can have an impact on my friendships. I have shared on here parts of my upbringing and the fact that I was the forgotten child which got apologized for later in life. While that part of my upbringing has left me with the insecurity of needing to know that I am loved by people that I love. I’m not talking about people that I just call acquaintances or just your run of the mill friends, I talking about the deep meaningful friends that you share everything with and are totally open to them Soul Sister type friends. At first I did a fucked up thing and panicked as one of these friendships was pretty new and tried to push them away again. It was pathetic and I bet myself up so badly for it I was a wreck, I was so pissed with myself for doing it. Funny enough she forgave me straight away and moved on but I couldn’t and stayed stuck for days. Anyway now I am going through a period of needing to know that I am loved and valued as a friend. I also have this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying they are too good for you they are going to get sick of your insecurities and drift away. It is all a huge mind fuck that I put myself through.

Once again I have to keep over riding my Crazy Cracker Mind (CCM) from these irrational thoughts. Letting these thoughts get out of control could have the exact outcome that I am letting CCM tell me, absolute fucken madness. I keep trying to tell myself I am a bloody nice person and I might not be pretty or super smart but I am worthy. I also keep telling myself that these amazing ladies are so fucken awesome and they are really caring and smart people. I don’t believe they would of become my friends just to walk away now. Incase your wondering YES I will be getting professional help for all of this and I am on a waiting list with a therapist. This all sounds like crazy arse talk and I’m really hoping that at least one person (not that I want anyone to feel like this) says hey me too!!! just so I don’t feel like such a reject.

Oh on the subject of therapist I was checking out a life coach as well but after being honest with her she has advised me to do therapy first and to work through my pain and issues then come back to work with her.

All of this thinking (yep even the CCM part) and realizing that it is a problem that I need help with is all noticeable to ME now and only because I am sober. I am no longing living under a bullshit cloud / haze of alcohol, I am not numbing out the bad along with the good (there is still plenty of good) I am feeling and dealing with it all raw and real and wouldn’t have it any other way.

And I thought I didn’t have a problem…….

I shudder now when I think back to my drinking days when I actually believed that I didn’t have a problem. Well actually I still didn’t believe it for a while after I stopped drinking. Seriously now that I am living a sober life how could I of not seen that I was an alcoholic?? It is so blindingly obvious now and to think that I thought I just had a faulty off switch but that I was really still under control is well I was going to say laughable but it’s not funny. Let me share with you one of my “episodes” where I partied like it was 1999 and thought it was just living life to the full.

I started the party with beers and it was at a friends place out of town and I was staying the night so knew that I didn’t have to worry about driving home that night. We were all going pretty hard starting early in the afternoon with great music and a BBQ on a beautiful sunny day. I was functionally pissed from my beers and upped my game by switching onto Sambuca. Didn’t waste my time with a glass just drank it straight out of the bottle, yummy yum (that would of been what I was thinking) I remember being fucken hilarious (I was probably more like a pain in the arse that they weren’t laughing with but at if I think about it now). At some stage I can’t remember if I dropped the bottle or if I whacked the bottom on something but the base cracked. My friend helped me out and rather than letting it all go to waste we emptied it into a preserving jar and I just kept on drinking out of that. Now at some stage I must of wandered off, I probably just wanted peace because I reach a level like that were I just have to get away from people. We think (notice the think) that I went up the road to a reserve and the reason we think that is what I did was the injuries that I came back with. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where I went nor what I did I hope that I passed out somewhere and slept but God only knows. What ever I got up to I arrived home later that night and I was filthy and a rambling drunk. My friend suggested chucking me into the shower to sober up and for some reason I liked that idea and just started stripping off, yep right in the room with people in it. Thank goodness for my friend as lucky for me she jumped up and pushed me into the bathroom and into the shower. I have no idea how long she left me in there nor how I got from there to the spare bed but I did.

The next day I woke up feeling like absolute crap & in pain and the thought of the long drive home just didn’t feel like an option. The pain was coming from my legs and when my friend came in and looked at them they were black with bruising all up the shins. Now these injuries are mainly why they think I must of gone up to the reserve, you see there are cattle grates that you have to get across and they reckon in my state I must of fallen in them. It would of jammed my legs as I fell through, it would also help explain why I was so filthy. Everyone decided that they would go to the beach and do some swimming and drinking. I thought oh well the drive to the beach wasn’t anywhere near as far as home and a swim would feel so good. That’s right, not at all proud of myself now and didn’t give it a second thought I drove and I still would of been drunk for sure. Once at the beach they all started to crack open the beers again, I just could not face it at all and decided to go for a swim. I felt so ill, the beach was full of people and there was really no where for me to go for a spew. I swam and swam way out deep where there was no one and I spewed and kept on spewing. I remember I had to keep diving under the surface and swimming further over so I wasn’t surrounded by my own spew. I really have no idea how the hell I didn’t drown on that day. I am a good swimmer but not when I’m drunk, hung over and with fucked legs. In the afternoon we all went back to my friends so they could get stuck in drinking again. I was due home by then and knew that my ex would be furious that I hadn’t come home in the morning so I drove home instead, shit I doubt I would of been able to drink anymore anyway!!!!

That was one example of my “problem drinking” and it was a bad one, I suffered from a true black out and there is a period that I will never know what happened. I do know that I had to go to the doctors with my legs and after xrays it turned out that I had crushed my shins, that took a long time to heal. I think I just had quiet drinks, you know like cut back and only had 3 or 4 a night for a few nights afterwards. Hmmm and this girl didn’t think she was an alcoholic!!! Seriously I am as alcoholic as an alcoholic can be. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m an alcoholic anymore it’s just a fact.

I am now living life sober, raw & real, and thank God for that. Why go over the bad times you might be asking yourself? Because it is important that I never forget the bad times and never live with just the good memories of drinking. I have to keep it real and remember just how shit it really was.

Self Respect

Last night I talked about some of the shame I carried while I was a drinker but tonight I want to talk about the pride I feel being sober. I really do have so much more respect for myself now I am no longer carrying the weight of my dirty little secret and no longer suffer the shame of trying to hide it. I am living life sober and I am fucken proud of that, I don’t openly go around telling people hey guess what I’m sober now. In fact I haven’t even discussed it with my family, but that is no big surprise. Some of my friends know but if the others were to ask me about why I’m not drinking I would openly tell them. My boss knows but that is as far as it goes at work, no one else knows. It’s not even that I am ashamed of it because I’m not it’s just that I don’t see the point. You really don’t need to tell everyone everything about yourself that is just stupid. Any way off on a tangent there, hmm obviously matters more to me than I realized. Let me try starting this again.

I feel as though I am slowly but surely rising from the ashes and I am respecting myself for doing it. I think I have a healthier respect for myself in many ways and I am liking how I am a more reliable person. I used to say I would turn up to things or I’ll see I might come etc but then I would bail out. First off my anxiety would be off the scale at the thought of going out and being with people but I couldn’t chug, chug my way through the bottles there. Of cause you can have a couple but you don’t really want people noticing how much you are drinking. “Oh hey anyone want another, oh shit look around and they weren’t even 1/2 way through.” So instead you just wouldn’t go and you would stay at home were you could comfortably drink the night away. I think I am saying you  here simply because I am not that person anymore, I actually identify with my previous self as another person, well isn’t that insightful of me. Shit sorry I’m all over the place tonight, seem to be suffering them good old brain farts were I just can’t keep the focus.

Previously if one of the dogs got sick after say 6.30 – 7 pm there is no way I could of legally driven them to the vet. Oh shit I don’t know if I shared with you previously my Dad had a heart attack and I drove him to the hospital after many Vodka’s. This was through winding country roads into the city and not only that I had to drive it again to go home and pick up his meds for the doctor then back to the hospital with them and at the end of the night home again. How the fuck did I manage that, I really have no idea, there is another very shameful moment from my drinking days. Now should a family member or friend need me I can safely say I will be able to drive 100% sober so that is another huge point for being reliable now. 

My main point of tonight’s ramble is that I am proud of myself for fighting this bitch and by doing so I have a level of self respect that I never, ever had before. Living life sober fucken rocks. 

One of the exhausting things with being an alcoholic

I have to admit that I hate the saying “One day at a time” I just hate the thought that as an alcoholic that I should simply take it day by day with my addiction. I want to see in the future for the rest of my life that there is nothing but sober in front of me. But then I have totally out of the blue lightening bolts like this evening when I was busy doing my volunteer work and I thought to myself “I wouldn’t mind a drink” and as quick as that my mind went “holy fuck what is wrong with you????? There is no way you are going to have a drink!!” Far out thoughts like that are sneaky little fuckers that just pop into your head. My message for you my little alcoholic voice, why don’t you shut the hell up, just for that I am going to tell you just one of the reasons WHY WE ARE NOT GOING TO DRINK.

One of the many exhausting things that I had while drinking was carrying the shame and having to hide my dirty little secret. I loved nothing more than to crack open that first bottle late afternoon and raise it to my lips. I can still remember how my lips would give a little quiver as the coolness of the bottle hit my lips, the smell of the booze entered my nostrils and that thirst quenching alcohol entered my mouth. The lips would always quiver on that first hit. That first bottle would be gone in about 15 minutes (I am talking a stubbie bottle of beer or the later years cider of 330ml) well actually if I was lucky it would last that long. Then the next one would be needed so often I would grab two out of the fridge at once so I didn’t have to get off my big fat arse to grab another one. Now if anyone just popped around and called in it would be such a pain in the arse because I would have to quickly hide the empties and make sure I was just sitting there with only one and no empties beside me or all lined up on the bench. I would of been so ashamed if someone had seen the extent of my drinking. No doubt you have all figured out that it takes more and more to reach the desired effect so I would have to sink around 8 bottles a night to be able to reach out pass out point. Actually just on a side note, how come now I’m not drinking all of this am I now skinny that part is such a rip off. Seriously there is no way I would still be enjoying the taste and it would of all been about feeding my addiction and my addiction to numbing out all feelings and thoughts and being able to pass out. God help anyone if they called, luckily I had caller ID so if it was my parents I would answer but try to say very little for fear of slurring.  Shit I must of been dumb because everyone can tell when someone is slurring, oh actually even now when I’m extra tired it can sound like a lazy slur. But anything calls were just left to go to answerphone because I was to worried about people on the other end figuring out my dirty little secret of being a drunk. 

Oh first off though was the purchasing of the booze, I have said in earlier posts how I used to drive to different super markets or liquor outlets each night so the people working there didn’t notice that I was going through a box a day. But at the end of all the above was actually getting rid of these empty bottles, yep even that involved shame. A recycle bin would only hold so much and when your bin is the fullest in the street every recycle day. Now on to the crash, smash and bang as it got emptied into the recycle truck magnifies in your ears because you are sure the whole bloody street must hear it. I would sit here and think oh Jesus what must they all think, do the snigger because my drinking habit was worse than their own? Did they think oh poor thing? Did they wonder if they should put an AA brochure in my letter box? Maybe slip a note under the door with all the help phone numbers for alcoholics????? Truth be told they probably took no notice at all but I’m pretty sure I saw my house get some side ways looks as people walked pass and saw the bin out waiting on collection. Then there was the period when I was drinking so much that I would not only use the recycle bin but I would also wrap the empties in newspaper and hide in a plastic rubbish bag for collection.

This is just a very small list of memories of why I never want to drink again. Dear little alcoholic voice please go fuck yourself, life is so much nicer not living with the guilt & shame of living with my dirty little secret. I am living life raw & real and 100% sober and that is exactly how I want it to stay.

I Relate Better To Animals

Well here we go think it’s time I showed one of my ugly sides on here and I call it little Miss Needy.  Oh my poor friends, you see I have only been opening up and starting deep and meaningful friendships this year after turning sober. I have always, always related better to animals (mostly dogs but I love all animals) than I have to other humans. Now that I am making these friends I realize just how much I have really missed not having any serious ones. But there is a problem that comes with being my friend now. I LOVE  my friends so much and really enjoy my time with them. I want to be able to see them and be with them often because it just leaves me feeling so good and hopefully I leave them the same. 

Now for the bad side of this and my silly over thinking, over reacting mind. With this friendship and level of love it comes with what feels like a price and I am working really hard on this and will definitely be bringing it up with my therapist when I find one. You see I have found some very special people and have I told you I LOVE them and I have a fierce love that I don’t mind telling them I love them often. But I go into melt down zone if I don’t feel that this is being given in return which is totally unfair. Let me give you an example (and if my Soul Sister reads this I am so sorry).

I found out that my Soul Sister (I’ll call her SS for short) is going home to another country for a visit / work and with about 4-5 weeks to go before she was leaving I asked if she would like to get together before she left and her reply was YES. A week later I asked again are we going to be able to get together before you leave and was told “I’ll check my diary and let you know tomorrow” it never happened. Please remember with all this I know that my mind is behaving very emotionally and over sensitive. I waited and waited and internally and mentally blew it all out of proportion in my mind that totally over does it and gets carried away. Finally with 3 weeks to go I asked her, well actually more like said “You aren’t going to have enough time for us to get together before you go are you” to which she replied that “she was really sorry but didn’t think so”. My heart broke as I’m not sure how long she is going for and I really wanted to see her before she left. Anyway in that week there was another couple of things, shit one I can’t even remember properly now but the other one was that she normally always sends me something each week but this same week forgot. Shit even reading this I feel bad for over reacting. I really did get myself so upset and depressed with all my thinking, crying and sulking about it. HOLY SHIT WEIRDO ALERT it feels so school girl like now and I haven’t been to school for fucken decades. In the end I brought up how upset I was that she never got back to me etc. I felt like a fucken tool but I have promised her that I will always be honest and open with her and sadly this is a part of the process. She felt terrible and promised that we would make time together when she gets back, dangerous making promises to me because I take them so literally. 

But this is an example of just how needy I can be but it is only with my new tribe Soul Sisters. I am a strong, independent person who normally pushes everyone away that gets to close and have been just fine going to work and coming home to just my dogs. I can see now that I have been behaving stupidly, seriously my SS has told me and proved that she loves me and wouldn’t do anything on purpose to hurt me. But it does still hurt and I am still sad about it but I know it’s going to be okay and we will get to see each other as soon as possible. 

Can you imagine how excited I was when I saw a member of my tribe (another SS) but up a post and in it was the same thing between her and a friend.  AND to add to my excitement and actually soothing my anxiety levels was people commenting saying it’s okay!!! Here is the link to her post from Storm in a wine glass – The more I hang around the sober world the more I see that so many addicts are REALLY, REALLY sensitive people that feel everything to the extreme.  

Thank goodness I am sober and living the sober life, can you imagine how much I would blow this out if I was drinking?? Or even worse I would be just as likely to drink and drink and bury my feelings and walk away from an amazing friendship that I will treasure for the rest of my life. It is freakin beautiful and she is amazing mixed with my level of crazy ❤