Just damn well start writing your book!!! – First write a book for yourself with everything in it. Then from that book edit out what you don’t want in the published book. It is totally up to you how exposed you want to make yourself, your family and your friends. But most importantly just start writing.
Some of you write the most magical thought provoking honest blogs on here and by doing so you help so many. Don’t waste your talents.
Last night I explained that the love and support of my Soul Sisters are a vital part of my sober journey this time, without them I really don’t believe I would of had the energy to of survived.
Another part of my sober kit is YOU ALL my BLOGGING FRIENDS!!! What an amazing community I have found on here. I have found a life long friend who is now part of my Soul Sister tribe and we communicate off here as well but then there is everyone else. I can not express how much it has meant to me with each and every “like” or “comment” that you have taken the time to do. To feel seen and not invisible is a huge deal along with finding so many that can relate to my journey. It is a huge help to not feel so alone and an even better feeling to know that I have helped some of you on your journeys as well.
I love your words of wisdom, your advice, your sharing of your own experiences, and the encouragement and praise that is given on here makes me feel so good and worthwhile. For those of you that have said you have included me in your prayers I am so grateful ❤ I would not describe myself as a non-believer as I do believe in a higher power but I just struggle with the faith side of things BUT it really does matter that you take them time to include me in your prayers.
I am loving living life sober, raw and real, because of this I can now see things a lot clearer. I was going to say that this is another of the small blessings that I notice but it’s not small it is actually a really big deal and I thank you all so much.
Seriously how do you find the right counselor / therapist?? I have no idea how to do this, I just basically went through and search the area that I lived and picked the one that I thought might be okay and with what they specialize in. None of them had everything I was looking for and the one I picked I’m really not sure about anymore. Not only does she do counselling and life coaching but she is also a director or something at some company that makes vitamins / health products blah blah that is part of the healthy living plan. I have Googled the products and the reviews aren’t great from what I can see. I worry she’s going to try to push this stuff on to me. Also she is Asian and please before you start I am not racist I watched a couple of small Youtube clips with her in it and I did struggle to follow what she was saying without listening to it a second time. She does speak English but hmm with words missing that we would use to make a full sentence if that makes sense. I am sure she is a lovely person but I don’t want to be unsure on what she tells me because I don’t understand and nor do I want to waste the time I’m paying for having to ask her to explain again.
I’m scared of pushing forward and doing this but I know that I have to but far out how are you suppose to know what to do here. I’m tired and am having trouble drumming up the energy to do this. Yes a part of me is screaming fuck it, don’t do it then. You can deal with this, you have already for this long. The other part of my mind is saying hey you need inner peace. Also I scared the shit out of myself the other day when I hurt a friend and then realized that it was my way of starting to push her away. I have to stop this habit and whether I can do it myself or whether I need help and to learn how to be a better friend I don’t know. I just know that I have people in my life now that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to deal with shit like this in order to make sure I don’t lose them.
I am glad that I am no longer the not functioningguzzler because if I was I would of just had another drink and not progressed this far and would of pushed the friends away OR not let them in at all and that would of been bloody sad. Living life sober, raw and real with people that love me and are worth fighting this for.
I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately about a LOT of things and one I have come to a conclusion about and am moving on from is being pissed that my doctor had put on my file that I am an alcoholic. I got all worked up about it for a couple of weeks but now I am a lot calmer about it. After thinking and researching AND having a beautiful friend message me about it I have come to a conclusion. Guess what I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and my doctor is right by putting it on my file as it could still lead to numerous problems later down the track. Shit I abused my body so badly with alcohol for over 30 years I’m surprised some of it still functions.
It was like a slap in the face seeing it in my file but my reaction is pretty much an outburst of my own anger and self disappointment. It’s one thing for me to tell people that I am an alcoholic when in the back of my head I am thinking well really I have a faulty off switch and that I am a binge drinker which is bullshit I am an alcoholic and the more I research the more I can see it. At first I was worried that future employees might see Alcoholic on my file, then I was worried about it being brought up if I end up in hospital to my parents etc all just fears in my head. My mind can make up a thousand different things if I let it go on an uncontrolled wandering session.
Here is what my beautiful friend sent to me and I think it might help some of you to hear these words from someone who doesn’t have an addiction. I did get her permission before including this in here –
“Okay, so the thoughts that I have about your feeling of the label of “alcoholic”. Because I grew up with it in my house, my father opening a center – counseling addicts … it wasn’t a “bad word” in our house.
It was almost a fact of life … and to me, if a person could call themselves alcoholic, that meant they were owning a part of them that they had become aware of, accepted, and were fighting like hell to get control over.
I am not commenting on how you feel…
You feel how you feel … and, of course, have EVERY RIGHT to…
I’m just trying to tell, perhaps show you that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing…
Does that make any sense?
If you are an alcoholic … and you are sober … it is a BADGE OF HONOR.
You are conquering that son of a bitch every day … and that is inspiring and admirable.“
Okay lets break this down, an alcoholic was and always has been a dirty word in my family, culture and work place. So naturally I feel that it is something I should be ashamed of and hide like a dirty secret. It is so nice to have someone that I not only love but totally respect have the opinion that it is not a bad word and to take the time to message me with this. The more I researched the more I realised I was a fucken alcoholic not just a faulty switch, binge drinker (every night) and I am now aware of, accepted, and am fighting like hell to get control over.
On the 4th of November I will be 9 months sober without any slip ups and I’ll take that badge of honor and I am going to keep on conquering that son of a bitch every single fucken day. I was about to write for as long as I can but you know what that is giving myself an escape route and no I won’t do that, no free passes I’m done.
My name is “functioningguzzler” (not anymore) and I am an alcoholic and guess what I’m not ashamed to have that title as it is a part of what has been my journey so far. I will not feed the stigma attached to the title because I am not the negative things it brings up when you search. I am a person that had some horrible things happen to her which made me numb away in excess of 30 years. I honestly don’t know if I was an alcoholic before with the hereditary gene or what ever it is that makes you an alcoholic so even if those shitty things hadn’t happened I might still of been an alcoholic I guess I will never know.
P.S. Just so you know I am still PISSED and will be talking to my doctor about her adding it to my file without discussing it with me. I may or may not discuss how dear she see fit to brand me an alcoholic and not arrange the help I asked for.
When you have been brought up never feeling that you are enough it is so hard to know just when you are enough.
I am really trying to find ways to stop my inner voice from putting me down. Low self esteem is crippling and something I have always suffered from. I really don’t feel worthy of love and when I do find someone that cares about me (just in a friendship way) I really do go over the top because I am so desperate to feel the love and to know that I do matter to someone. When I was raised words I often heard when I was being discussed or even when I was being talked to were – chubby, fat, not so smart, slow to learn, not feminine enough, tomboy along with others but these ones really stuck and are still something used today. I feel that I was the embarrassment of the family, I was never the sweet, girlie girl, pretty girl that they had wanted. There was only myself and my brother and my mother clicked with him. Mentally they were on the same level, both very smart. He was also not embarrassingly fat and she was always proud to have him around.
I know that having this foundation has damaged my self esteem so badly that it has affected me now through my adult life. How the hell do you mentally dig yourself out of that? How do you feel worthy of love without putting yourself so far out there that people use you or take advantage of this? Or on the flip side how do you not scare people off with the amount of love you give back in hope that they will see you as a worthy person?
Just one of the things bouncing around in my mind, well actually its more like a squash ball being whacked around the room.
I really get up each day and have no bloody idea what direction my emotions and feelings are going to go in and shit they can take me all over the place. Yesterday after noon I was struggling with wanting to drink. My mind kept telling me you deserve it, shut up mind I don’t want to drink!!! But you don’t have to work tomorrow so it won’t matter if you stay up late drinking, for fucks sake mind shut the hell up!!!! Okay shutting up but seriously is it really that bigger deal if you drink once and a while? Oh good one, how long do you think the once in a while would last before you are back drinking every night?? Yeah but we have almost lasted 3 months without drinking so you could drink and then stop again. Yeah I could ah, arrrgggghhhh SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Just saying is all, your quit buddy quit, quitting it’s not like anyone is pressuring you to stop it doesn’t really matter. Yeah but I am so close to hitting my 3 months goal and then I want to double it to 6 months if I drink tonight that stuffs it all up. I know I won’t just drink one it will be at least 6-8, I will feel like crap in the morning and not just physically but mentally I will be so disappointed in myself. Oh well you’ll be alright, you drive past liquor outlets on your way home just call in. NO!!!! Stop it!!! I will go home and walk the dogs and then see if I can be bothered getting back in the car and driving to get some booze.
Thank god I did exactly that all was okay and then I logged in and what is the first thing on my Facebook feed but this pic / video from my friend the quitter. I was so fucken angry and wanted to comment “really, really you want to rub my face in it when you know I am no longer drinking!!!!” I was so disappointed because I felt not only had she given up giving up and supporting me but she was obviously not even disappointed in herself nor gave a shit if it made me want to drink or not. I was already surprised that she expected my sympathetic support for her starting to drink again as if she needed my validation that it really was okay for her to drink when in all honesty I didn’t even want to discuss it as I am trying to keep my mind away from thinking about it. My so called BFF had stolen a part of our lives that we could share and support each other with. Eventually my mind ran through a thousand shitty thoughts and then settled on a fuck you attitude, I will show you that I am not a quitter!
This morning I discussed this with another BFF (yes it is possible to have more than one in your life) and thankfully she had the voice of reason and gave me this – “Maybe and I don’t mean this to sound glib. She was there at the beginning and helped you get started. She’s got her own reasons and journey don’t let her use up your energy and resources as this won’t help your resolve it will just be an unnecessary distraction and staying off the booze harder.” She is so bloody right, thank goodness for friends like this that help you see things when your own addict mind is so busy rolling in it’s own shitty thoughts.
Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.
For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.
Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.
One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.