For decades I have been able to drink myself numb each night and slow down the thoughts that race around in my head. I am an over thinker and my mind totally blows things out of proportion and my feelings are so sensitive it’s crazy. Tonight I am having a night when I just can’t switch it all off and there is just to many things all fighting for a chance to have their say. Last night I peeled back a layer and it hurt but at the same time it felt good if that makes sense. It has been my dirty little secret for so long and a hard one to broach and has raised so many questions, memories and feelings about it and other things from my past.
I have tried to tell myself to just let everything go as nothing is going to change and just move on focus on what is ahead of you not what is behind sort of thing. I don’t know if that is the right answer anymore because look where that has got me. Mind racing to much to be able to focus on one subject for to long tonight so will try again tomorrow.
Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.
I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem
There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.
I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”
What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.
Man just when you start to think that you have everything under control this bitch of a thing called depression side swipes me. I am normally a happy person but at the moment I just can’t shake this depression I am in. I think my self esteem just up and left me and what it has left behind is not nice. It would be so easy right now to just go and buy a box of my favourite Cider and drink until the numbness sets in. I won’t let myself though I have come to far to stop trying now but it would be so easy.
Okay I have to share the final post on my recycle bin which lasted me eight whole weeks before I had to put it out people. There was not an alcohol bottle insight, or in it. To go from a bin that was over flowing with cider bottles that was heavy to carry out to what you see here which was light as hell to carryout just highlighted to me how far I have come. Normally all you can hear echoing from the recycle truck is the sound of crashing glass as it is tipped into the truck. While this is happening and if I was at home I would internally be cringing as I thought how loud that was and that the neighborhood would be chuckling thinking yep that house is our streets pisshead. It never really occurred to me that they probably couldn’t give a shit and it was my own shame making a big deal out of the amount of empty bottles I put out each week. Sorry guys this is probably getting very boring to read now and you have probably switch off and stopped reading anyway but I wanted to add it here. This bin is important to me on my journey and I wanted to record this moment.
Well hello fellow bloggers how are you all doing? How are your journeys going, I enjoy reading about your travels on this road of sobriety as it helps me while I travel my own path.
Here I am Day 36 and still sober and I want to thank each and everyone of you that said hang in there you will start to feel better after a month. Well I do feel like I am making progress and there have been a few things I measure this by and thank for it.
Last Sunday night I was in bed tucked up ready to thank the world for all my blessings before saying night, night to it and all of a sudden a thought hit me totally out of the blue. On weekends I normally do not work (as in paid employment that is, we all know we have all those other jobs and tasks to complete) and I always try to take my dogs to a puppy play date at our local park. This is where a few of us locals all with smaller breed dogs meet up at a set time for our dogs to play and burn off their energy while learning great socializing skills. Not only does it have benefits for all the dogs but I know for myself and for many others there that it is also great for our own socializing skills and I enjoy it just as much as my dogs. Anyway once again I am getting off the point (sorry my mind still wanders, sometimes right off out of the room) ANYWAYS when I was walking my dogs back home afterwards I would always smile and think about getting home and cracking open my ciders and relaxing for the rest of my evening. It was a ritual, jobs & tasks, puppy play date followed by home and crack open a cider while preparing dinner for my dogs and myself. Then I would blob out for the rest of the evening relaxing and drinking the night away. This time it wasn’t until I was in bed that I thought to myself HOLY SHIT I DID NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING HOME AND HAVING THAT DRINK. I HAD COOKED DINNER, EATEN AND WATCHED SOME TV WHILE POSTING LOST & FOUND PETS ON A FACEBOOK PAGE I VOLUNTEER FOR AND THEN GONE TO BED. I HAD NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A DRINK, NOT ONCE UNTIL I RESTED IN BED AND THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Well I just about shot out of bed out of shock from realizing the fact, holy cow I didn’t think that it was possible. Well I don’t think I am bringing it up in my thoughts as often so that is a huge step forward for me.
My recycle bin, come on you know I couldn’t go without mentioning the Recycle Bin it signifies so much for me. Well once again it did not get put out to the kerb (might have to next week) and it now holds – 9 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 2 X Conditioner Bottle’s 1 x Empty Tomatoes Tin & 1 x Disinfectant Bottle. It is sitting on 3/4 full now so this is a massive improvement on my almost overflowing bin I used to put out that had a couple of things in it that were not alcohol and they were always on top (as if it would hide what a pisshead I was lol was I stupid). My recycle bin tells a story about the new chapter in my life all on its own.
There is something else that I am really enjoying here now that I have decided to not drink and that is I do not put myself through the stress of trying to balance an already tight budget and make a huge portion of it available to make sure I have enough alcohol to last me through to the next pay day. Seriously this fortnight I have my house rates, dog registration, car registration, warrant of fitness for my car, my car needing 2 new tyres before it will get that warrant of fitness. The following fortnight I have a BIG power bill from trying to keep warm and wash and dry my clothes during the storm along with my insurances due as well. Fuck My Life normally this would drive me to drink but not this time. This time I am thinking thank god I am not drinking otherwise I would have a huge panic going on right now trying to work out how I could pay all of these and still eat for the fortnight. It is going to be tight and hard because I have no savings thanks to guzzling them all down my throat but this also has me focused. I don’t want to go back to drinking and be living from pay day to pay day like I am now. I want to focus and when I get these bills all sorted my next plan is to focus on paying off my personal loan and THEN build up a savings account for months like these. And ALCOHOL dear alcohol you just don’t fit into the plan and I AM NOT SORRY.
Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.
At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).
Work is practically stressful and busy with it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.
Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.
I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.
Take care, hang in their with me.
Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.