Well I have done it, this year, today I put up a Christmas Tree in my home and it looks so lovely even if I do say so myself. For years I have had a bah humbug attitude towards Christmas but this year I am determined to have some festivity in my life and home. It actually feels really nice sitting here looking at the tree with the beautiful light flashing, I thought my dogs might be scared by them but they haven’t worried about them at all.
I did want to share with you all though that by my own experience the festive season is not always a happy time of the year for everyone. I enjoy getting together with my family in one way but in another way it is really, really hard. To sit at the table eating your Christmas dinner with someone who raped you way back when I was still a child but bordering on being a teenager is really difficult. For reasons discussed previously I have not ever told my family about my rapes by the family member and then by my ex but it is something that you can forgive but you can never forget. I find myself going through the motions and putting on a happy face, previously I would drink a bit and then get home and get totally pissed just to forget it all. Now I don’t have that so called luxury, instead I have to face it head on and the raw emotions and feelings that come with it. It occurred to me last year that why should this time of year be so miserable for me for the whole month?? I am the one with the power to make it not be miserable and I also hold the power to look after myself and ensure that I do give myself some self care and be kind to myself. Unfortunately I will still have to face the family Christmas dinner because to not show for that would break my parents hearts and I can never explain to them why I would rather not so I will have to attend that. But I can make sure I have a lovely morning first with a nice walk with my dogs. Go for family lunch and come home in the afternoon to hang out with my dogs again. Maybe have something yummy and special for dinner, I don’t know just find away to make sure I do enjoy it.
My whole point is look after each other, if someone isn’t in the whole festive mood maybe there is a bloody good reason for it. Living life sober, raw and real is letting me have thoughts like this and to start to take action to change the parts of my life that make me sad.