Oh Hello There ME!! Where have you been all this time?

What age did you all start to have a mind of your own? Hmm prehaps I better explain a bit more so you know what track I’m heading down.

When I left my ex it still took a few years for me to develop my own taste in things e.g. music, TV programs even down to realizing that I didn’t enjoy hunting like I thought I did. There was so much that I was doing that it turned out I didn’t really like at all. I would be doing things to please him and also things that he liked so that we could spend happy time together. Also he would have control of the stereo and the TV and I never questioned that. You might think that was quite pathetic but remember I left home and moved in with him at 16 years of age. I was leaving a home that I was not happy in and he was my knight and shining armor who came in and swept me off my feet and got me out of there to a safe place. I thought it was safe but as the years went on it sadly wasn’t but that is a different post.

Another example oh starting to have my own mind was to my parents but I have always been under the influence of them. Like I said above I left at 16 years of age but in that 16 years and being raised by them of cause you are raised with their morals and standards but even that I broke away from. I went against the family and as well as going out with a man of a different race I moved in with him as well and that was a lot for my family to take. Again, another story for another day. But even lately with my parents I can see the way I think and even that some of what I have been taught while being raised is wrong. I really don’t want you all thinking my parents are horrible people so trust me when I say they have done a lot for me and do have a lot of goodness about them as well. Lately I have started to notice just how racist my father is and his views and feelings on this are very strong. Goodness knows what his up bringing was like to be like this. But from my upbringing I can see now that I considered us more superior than some other races. Now I can see what absolute crap, there are amazing people in all races, there are crap people in all races. I can see that it’s not the race or color that determine these things in people.

I have friends that are living in a different financial range than myself and I have felt uncomfortable like I don’t belong or fit into their circle. You know what I can see now that is my parents thinking coming through. My Dad is a shocker and I can’t even really talk to him about my richer friends because he makes sarcastic comments about their life styles and how they “waste their money and show it off” which just isn’t true. They are used to living the way they are and shit why not they have worked hard for what they have. I do notice the wealth but I don’t care about that I care about their hearts and them as a person. If they were wealthy arseholes then I wouldn’t want to be their friend but same goes for people with no money, if your nice, your nice end of.

To wind this up I guess I am excited to develop and find ME and to think MY thoughts and to have my own morals and reasons for doing what I do. It’s also nice to find what I LIKE and what I LOVE. It’s nice to try things and do things which would of not been considered before because I was raised that people like I don’t do that or waste money on that. Not quite sure if I’m making sense anymore.

Living life sober, raw and real has let me start getting to know MYSELF on a much deeper level and it’s awesome. There was me who I was raised to be, there was me who I thought I needed to be and now there is me who still has bits left over from her but there is so much more that is ME and not anyone else anymore.

Exercise Day 9 – I have to stop and think if the past two days count, I went Skydiving for the first time yesterday and was so sick with motion sickness that I wasn’t capable of jumping on the x-trainer. Does jumping from a perfectly good plane at 16,000 feet and dropping towards the ground at over 200kph count? I am counting it because the adrenaline rush lasted for so long I’m sure it must. Today I walked the dogs twice along with heaps of housework that I didn’t finish until dinner time but with all of this I have done over 12,000 steps which equals over 8k’s once again I think that counts. Neither have been spending my day as a couch potato.