For those of you that have been with me for a while will know that a huge reason why I drunk and became an alcoholic was to try to escape pain and emotions that I simply did not have the tools to deal with. I only say huge reason because the jury is out with me on if alcoholism is inherited as well as there is definitely a family history of alcohol and drug addiction along with some mental illness. But that is a whole another post and not what I am writing about today. Back to the drinking to escape pain and emotions of which one of the causes was being raped and not just once nor by one person. I have written about this before and after watching something today I have more I want to blog about this today.
So many victims speak out not for themselves but in hope that it helps others. A lot of what I post on here I mentally think that I am doing this in order to help others and that hopefully it will help someone who is going through the same to not feel so alone. I still think that but the more I do this blog the more I also see the benefits to myself of getting it out of my own head and hey typing it out is very therapeutic as well as often providing some clarity at the same time. Once again not what I want to blog about tonight lol so sorry I often do this as the thoughts tumble out of my mind.
I have written on here before about my rapes and how I kept them to myself for fear of the damage they would do to innocent people that I love. Also in my way of thinking I have felt that it would have a ripple effect just like when you drop a pebble in the water and the pain slowly casts a wider circle. Now this has been my choice and I feel it was the right choice for me and my family although I have paid a very high price by doing this and the fact that I was an alcoholic for over 20 years has a lot to do with this decision. The fact that I can’t even tell people on here who I am has to do with all of this. I have no shame about being an alcoholic and if someone was to ask me I would happily discuss it.
What occurred to me today is that although I think that writing about this sort of things will hopefully help others what if it is encouraging them to make the same decision and it is wrong for them! Seriously if you have or are going through the same thing believe me when I say my heart just ached for you as I typed that, I totally feel your pain. Just because I have written about my decision not to tell others for fear of the hurt it would cause (along with the worry that some won’t believe me not to mention putting them in the position of picking sides between siblings) that does not mean that it is the right decision. It is for me but every single case can be different. If you are going through it now or if you have previously and you do want to tell family or friends or reach out and get help DO IT. Please do what is right for YOU. Also if you are going through rape or anything that causes you pain or fear and you can’t decide whether or not to reach out for help please phone a help line or go to a therapist and talk it out.
Living life sober, raw & real is my choice and my decision and it is one that I am so glad I made. It has finally let me feel the good and the bad, happy and sad, mad and crazy I think you get the idea. While living the life of an alcoholic I was not feeling I was numbing and that is not living.