Monthly Archives: June 2019

A voice inside is saying do it, another voice is saying whatever bitch you ain’t got it in yah – Guess which one is going to win this one?

So I’m sitting here just thinking about it more and more and the more I think about it the more I think can I? should I? would I? Then I think just fucken do it!!!! Then I get carried away and not only have I found 1 that I want to do I have actually found 6 in total, that’s right 6 marathons over the next year. Lets see go from sloth AKA couch potato to a person who does marathons WTF right! Do I go for 6 marathons at 42km’s each or do I go for the 21km’s half marathon events hmmmm I’m not sure on that one. The first event would be in 3 months time so possibly the half and see if that kills me, I’ll think and see. That would mean I am doing events in September, October, December, February, March & April.

Why am I even thinking about it??? Well I need to get into exercise and I am struggling to stay motivated BUT if I have a goal to aim for I am a stubborn arse shit and I think I have a better chance of sticking at it. Also hopefully over that period of time I will form a habit and actually stick at it once they are all finished. Shit if I do the 21km’s this year what if I aim for the 42km’s next time round when I am fitter.

There is another reason why I need to do this I need to stop dwelling on things and feeling sad. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant and I need it I know that being an alcoholic it’s to easy for me at the moment to think what’s the point what does it matter if I drink but I realize that is my alcoholic inner beast talking. Can I pull this off, can I find the time to do this, will my body be able to cope with this? I need things to look forward to, I need things that I am proud of myself for achieving afterwards. At the moment if I don’t have some sort of goal or plan I am drifting and it’s a dangerous sort of drifting.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be but it does always require an awareness of my alcoholic demon and I have to be prepared to put in the work and have plans and goals in place to keep me heading in the right direction.

Arrgh Sensitive Me Again

I having one of those extra sensitive moments, it’s okay and it will pass and I know that a lot of this has to do with me being a sensitive soul. I know that when I was drinking I was numbing everything and not feeling anything good or bad. I think now that as a result of this I feel things deeper and harder which can be quite overwhelming because I am really quite a sensitive soul, probably why I spent so much time making sure I wasn’t feeling anything.

Anyway my little purge tonight is just that my sensitive little soul over reading and over reacting and it needs to calm itself down. I am feeling sad that I seem to be the one of my friends that always takes the time to reach out and see how they are doing and to have a little chat regularly. But my sensitive soul is noticing that it’s always me doing the reaching and that hurts to be honest. I don’t quite know what to do as my mind over thinks it all and a part of me thinks what did I do? Was I too needy, did I annoy them by contacting too much? Like I get that people are busy but if you have friends don’t you make a little bit of time for them every so often? My mind is wondering if I just stop messaging for a while and see what happens or is that just being stupid?? Arrgggh what do I find relationships so complicated. Do I just keep going like nothing is wrong? I’m just feeling sad and blue about it all but I know this will most likely pass.

I need to calm it down and not upset myself, I need to be kind to myself and go within and figure out why I am having this insecure moment. I need to just know that I am loved and that people get busy and they have their own family and other friends. I need to trust that they aren’t bored with me and moving on. Maybe I need to learn how to reach out and tell them how I’m feeling, but will that blow the friendship. Oh geezzz stop it mind, just stop.

On a totally different note I have been thinking about my big fat fail at exercise and wondering what is it I need to do to motivate myself. Now I think anyone who has read a couple of my posts has figured out how much I love animals so I am thinking of a way that might work. I have already skydived to help raise funds for the SPCA and to me that was a huge mental challenge and tick on my bucket list. Well this time I am thinking of a physical challenge and there is a run / walk fund raising marathon for the SPCA in October this year. I searched fitness challenges for causes and it came up like a meant to be. Now there are 3 groups 5km’s, 12 km’s, 21.1 km’s (what the fuck is with the .1 seriously) OR the full marathon of 42.195 km’s (now .195??? this is getting ridiculous) . Guess which one I’m thinking of doing, if your gonna aim for a goal why not make it big right? And the bigger and harder the target the more likely people are to sponsor you for it. Oh and I would get to add marathon with a big fat tick to the completed list on my bucket list.

I’m living life sober and I’m determined to fucken rock it!!!

Finding My Soul Sisters

Hmm did I find my Soul Sisters, did they find me or did the universe work in it’s amazing way and just bring us together?? I like to think it is a combination of all of the above but I know one thing 100% without a doubt I am so very blessed to have them in my life and to have them accept me into theirs. I have four Soul Sisters, you know the sort when you have had enough of everyone else in the world and you turn off chat on your computer to everyone BUT those four beautiful souls, those are my Soul Sisters. No matter what my mood or how much I don’t feel like peopling they are always welcome into my world.

What has brought us together has been through common things we are very passionate about and then the friendships developed from there. Three of my Soul Sisters I meet through a volunteer group helping the pets so it was like interest that joined us.

One started as my boss, one lost her pet and came for help and the other joined me volunteering. The first one lives in another country so it is an internet friendship but we did actually get together for a week and that was fantastic. She was a big part in me giving up drinking as we both drank a lot and decided to give up for 3 months together, she didn’t last that long but I did and just kept going.

The second Soul Sister lost her pet and came to me for help, thankfully her pet was found and we just stayed in contact from there. Our friendship got deeper after I saw her posting on social media about a hard time she was going through and I reached out a lot checking in to see if she was alright. When we first started hanging out together neither of us drunk and a wonderful friendship developed. She does drink now but not to excess and it really doesn’t bother me when she does as we still have a lot of fun and she fully supports me in not drinking.

The third beautiful Soul Sister I meet when she joined us as a volunteer. On and off we had contact and in between doing our roles we did have a bit of friendly banter and she was lovely. One day she reached out to me and it was amazing I think her message was something like “Please I know your busy and understand if you can’t but would we be able to meet? You can come here or I can meet you anywhere, we could have a coffee or if you don’t have time I could give you a quick hug and get to meet you in person?” That made me so happy and yet so nervous and anxious at the same time, the thought of us meeting in the flesh. What if she didn’t like me, what if I came across as a dork, untrendy blah blah blah all sorts of self doubt. Anyway we did meet and we had a lovely time walking the beach and just talking. I could tell straight away that it was meant to be, you know how some people you can feel so comfortable around? It is really rare to find someone that is so warm and open and yet also be such a good listener and express that she wants to know and learn all about you. It wasn’t until after our meeting that I learned that this friend is a bit famous after being on TV sitcoms and in movies etc, thank goodness because like a fool I probably would of been overwhelmed by that fact and not had the confidence to meet her. Once again she does drink but I have never been around her when she does and she is so busy working towards her goals and dreams while helping others that I can tell it doesn’t come very high on her to do list.

My fourth Soul Sister, oh my were do I start she is my heartbeat all the way on the other side of the world. We meet right here and we shared and supported each other in our blogs and I felt like we were brought together to do just that. I would honestly look forward to her posts and then I would sit here nodding away and going OMG yes and often ME TOO!!! She made me laugh, she made me cry and she made me feel so not alone. You can only put so much on here and I think we shared the first parts of our beautiful friendship here with you all but then I wanted to reach out more so I emailed her. If I remember right I put something like “Hey there it’s me Functioning Guzzler AKA …. I thought it was time I introduce myself and see if you were interested in being friends, if not it’s okay just thought I’d see.” I got a reply back pretty quickly and it was a big fat YES!!! I was so happy and our relationship has grown to one were we are hoping to meet each other some time soon. I can’t wait to give her the biggest hug and thank her so much for coming into my life. In a few days time we will both be over 500 days sober and I reckon that having her in my life has been just what I needed, someone who understands and someone I admire for her guts and courage. Here is the link to her blog, have a look it’s fantastic!

I love these ladies so SO much, I probably need them more than they need me being that they are all married and I just have my dogs but I try not to be to needy lol. The difference between these ladies and my previous friends is like black & white, we all care about each other, we want to learn about each other, we want to support each other and see each other get to live our dreams and will help each other anyway we can. These are the sisters that I have chosen and that if you offered me a million dollars or them I would say stick your million.

Living life sober, raw & real freakin rocks. If I had not gone sober and let myself be open to letting these ladies in and being honest and dealing with my shit I would of missed out on the level of friendship I have with them. How did I find my Soul Sisters? Common interests and passion, same beautiful souls, empathy, compassion, caring, open hearts and the willingness to be brave and reach out and find each other.

Relationships Change Without Alcohol

I was interested to see some comments the other day on one of my posts about how our relationships change with our friends once we stop drinking. It certainly did for me and it was really a combination of me and them that brought about that change. Previously we would get together and we would all drink and socialize but I wouldn’t stop there I would always have or get more booze so that I could keep going when I got home. While drinking with my friends I would be one of those people that was always a friendly drunk but I was a funny drunk as well and we would always have a good time. My next level after being funny was just being quiet and doing what is still one of my favorite hobbies of people watching. Once I turned sober I started avoiding situations that would put me around alcohol so stopped socializing with my friends. We did meet up a few times but funny enough we didn’t relax and I wasn’t as funny and entertaining for them. Truth be known I am funny and in fact I was funnier and actually made sense but I don’t think that is the type of entertainment my friends wanted. Not sure how to explain it but we just had a hang out, relax, have some fun and drink nights nothing heavy and certainly nothing bonding like the amazing friendships I have now. Now that I am happily sober I can be around alcohol and it doesn’t bother me, if anything watching the effect I see it have on people the more I hate it. But I have tried hanging with these friends and I get bored out of my tree. They talk shit and get drunk and there is so much more I would rather be doing. I still consider these people friends but our lives are on different paths now and I have decided to take a different path to them now.

I’m sure most of you would of read previously how freakin amazing my Soul Sisters are and just how great our relationships are. We lift each other up and support each other and also encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves. We accept and love each other for just who we are, no fakeness, no bullshit. We have very indepth and interesting conversations and I love it. Seriously life is just so much better without alcohol in it and I am much happier and comfortable without anxiety to sit around and drink coffee now a days. Once done I am still able to do what ever I want and I don’t waste time the next morning getting over a night out.

Living life sober, raw & real is my life and I am damn happy about that.

Jump Out Of Your Comfort Zone

The other weekend I stepped right out of my comfort zone and did something that I am now very proud of. You know what my biggest fear wasn’t the fact that I was going skydiving for the first time (16,000 feet thank you) but my biggest fear was built up by my own mind. I was more worried about the fact that the handsome young man that I tandem dived with was disgusted by this older, fat, plain jane lady and disappointed that he didn’t get paired with one of the young and very pretty girls that were there. I was worried about how I looked in the overalls than I was about jumping out of a freakin aeroplane. What a dumbarse!!! In my mind I could hear my mothers comments as I was growing up about she’s not the pretty one, pity she is so chubby and her brother is so thin it should be the other way around. I could hear my ex saying I was nothing but fat and useless and how no one else will ever want me. I could hear my ex telling me no wonder he strayed with how I looked. Now this isn’t a pity party BECAUSE this has all made me realise that had I let these things totally over ride my mind and I just withdrew into myself and turned around and drove home again I really would of missed out on an amazing day.

I honestly think it was unfair of me to think that the handsome young man I was paired with was thinking that. He was lovely and a great partner to do my first jump with. For all I know he was thinking I was freakin awesome at my age to be doing the jump. He might of been thinking I was an amazing person jumping for the cause that I was doing it for. Who knows but it was very unfair of me to think that he was thinking like that. As for my mother I know that what she used to say is very much linked to the way her mother would talk to her all the time, it was horrible and so mean she was never good enough. I don’t know why she couldn’t see how hurtful it was and to turn around and do it to another person but that is sadly her burden to carry. My ex well with him it would of been his drugs, alcohol and guilt talking all rolled up into one.

Living life sober, raw and real is the only way I want to live from now on. And that day has taught me a very important lesson, don’t let your own self esteem hold you back. Give it a go, do it and live life to the full. If I let it hold me back I really am going to be missing out on so much. I really have to stop my over active imagination and building up what I think people are thinking about me. Truth is if they are at all like me they are busy with their own over active imaginations or even thinking hmmm what should I cook for dinner 🙂

Bucket List – One big fat tick!!!

Exercise – hmmm not doing so well there, grrrrrr.

Connection – We All Need It But Not All Have It

Looking back over my twenty plus years (I do not say that with a sense of pride by the way) living of drinking solid and living as a drinking but so called functioning alcoholic I think one thing that strikes me about it was just how lonely it is and how isolated I had made myself. It is only now that I have made a few friends that I can see just what I was missing out on.

There is something magical about finding people that you connect with deep down in your soul especially now that I am living life sober, raw and real. What you get is me, I am totally honest about my past, about my drinking problem and anything you want to talk about or ask me about is fine. There may be times I am not ready to talk about things but I will tell you I’m not ready yet. Sadly there is also my childhood which I can remember small parts of but the majority of it I can’t fricken remember no matter how hard I try so I can’t really tell you much about it sorry. Please I’m not saying run out in the world and be open and honest with everyone you meet, oh heck no! I learnt something off good old Brene Brown that it’s great to be vulnerable and open but that you pick and choose who you do this with. It’s like you give people pieces of you and trust that they will look after it and not abuse it nor give it to others in away that is using it for their own advantage. As they prove themselves worthy of this trust and if it feels right keep trusting them with pieces of you and this is how a deep and meaningful friendship grows. By doing this with a few that I have felt comfortable doing this with it has meant that I have now got a few friends I call Soul Sisters because I really have trusted them with my soul and I know that they will love it and care for it I trust them and feel totally connected to them. There is no bullshit, there is no side of myself that I hide from them which in turn also means that they love ME the real ME and not the side of me that I portrait to people because that is all I want them to see nor what I think society expects me to be.

This connection is mind blowing and I have never had it before, I am so very, very blessed with my Soul Sisters because they are kind and gentle and very tolerant as I learn to grow and trust. I have a very complicated past with my family and there just isn’t that connection there, my ex ended up being an abusive drug and alcohol infused relationship so between them I have not had a strong connection before. To know that you have people on this earth that love you, care what happens to you, check in on you and also to know that if you need them and let them know they will do what ever they can to help you and be there.

We all need to feel loved, we all need to love at least someone and if your blessed like I am someones. We all need to know that we are not invisible, we need to be heard, we all need to know that we matter. Previously if I had gone through with my suicide plans I think my family would of been devastated, some friends would of been oh how sad but now, well now through connection I have friends that I love and that will always do there best to help me never sink that low again.

Living life sober, raw & real can hurt like a bitch, it brings out all sorts of emotions and feelings that you have been numbing. It has also been keeping me back from amazing emotions and feelings and connections. I didn’t want people around I just wanted my bottle, now I don’t have that to hide behind or under the sun is shining into my life and that, well frankly that gives me a bigger buzz than an alcohol happy drunk moments ever gave me. If you offered me the ability to drink like a “normal” person and not a binge drinking alcohol in exchange for my friends……. it’s never going to be a contest MY FRIENDS AND THE CONNECTIONS I HAVE WITH THEM MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

Little Old Emotional Me

Far out I can be an emotional little thing when no one is around. I can choke myself up with tears so fast even I get a surprise, I normally have this hard exterior but inside is something else.

I guess the silliest recent example I can give you of this is the other day I read an article about how do people thank others for letting them in during busy traffic. There is the old wave, the flashing of the hazard lights, a toot and one of the petrol stations is bringing out a “thumbs up” the lights up green on your rear windscreen when you activate it to say thanks. Anyway they talked about how letting someone in and having them thank you actually releases dopamine, a “happy drugs”, and oxytocin, which encourages a feeling of warmth and connection with other people.

I have to admit that when someone lets me in I always thank them and when I let someone in it really does make me feel happier when they thank me. Mind you I also get pissed off if there is no acknowledgement at all and often think entitled arsehole, hey I didn’t say I was perfect lol. But then I calm myself down quickly because first off I don’t like being grumpy and second I think to myself you don’t know what they have happening in their life. They might have someone at home very sick, they might have a new baby at home and are sleep deprived etc, etc, etc and I cut them slack.

Now normally I give someone letting me in a wave but after reading that I decided to give them the flashing hazard lights (some others have given it to me and it makes me happy so hopefully I can do the same) and next minute I have tears rolling down my cheeks!!! Seriously what is wrong with me??? It made me emotional and happy that I might of just made someone happy and connected. Maybe that person is feeling very alone, maybe that person is being walked over by someone or someones hell I don’t know.

See what I mean, silly old emotional me.

Living life sober, raw and real is the best gift I have given myself. And I am feeling the good and the bad and I guess there have been a lot of emotions caught up for a very long time and now they are over flowing.

Sobriety Rocks

I don’t have the time to come on here as much as I used to nor as much as I want to anymore. I think I do my best thinking first thing in the morning and often have moments of pure brilliance and come up with such wisdom but com evening and time to write on here gone, nothing, blank. I was thinking what should I write more about on here as there seems to be a few and I bounce all over the place, alcoholic, rape, debt, goals, diet, fitness, exercise ummm what else vulnerability, friends, family, therapy etc, etc, etc. But I have decided to just keep being me and what ever is passing through my mind at the time that is what I will write about. This blog is to get things out of my mind and if it helps others that is a bonus. If anyone has questions they want to ask I’m a pretty direct person and will answer. Oh if there is something that anyone would like me to write about further please feel free to ask that as well.

Writing that has made me realize that I am much more settled in my mind, previously my mind was all over the place and depression and self loath was at a very high and dangerous level. Now at almost 500 days sober I get on here and think I have nothing, nothing I have the energy to write about. Previously there would of been many, many negative thoughts in a day and picking a subject was easy but not now. Don’t get me wrong I still have negative thoughts and still beat myself up but I am getting so much better. Thank God I am living a sober life and my mental health is improving so much. There is depression but I think I would call it more sadness and no bloody wonder with what has been brought out of the suitcases in my mind. I still struggle with self love but I do not have self hate anymore. It has been a very long time since a have had suicidal thoughts in fact now I want to live. I have so much to be grateful for and I have so much to offer towards good in this world.

Living life sober, raw and real…………….. yep it is SO much better. I never, ever want to go back to that way of living again because it’s not living it is just turning up everyday and I was miserable.

Oh Hello There ME!! Where have you been all this time?

What age did you all start to have a mind of your own? Hmm prehaps I better explain a bit more so you know what track I’m heading down.

When I left my ex it still took a few years for me to develop my own taste in things e.g. music, TV programs even down to realizing that I didn’t enjoy hunting like I thought I did. There was so much that I was doing that it turned out I didn’t really like at all. I would be doing things to please him and also things that he liked so that we could spend happy time together. Also he would have control of the stereo and the TV and I never questioned that. You might think that was quite pathetic but remember I left home and moved in with him at 16 years of age. I was leaving a home that I was not happy in and he was my knight and shining armor who came in and swept me off my feet and got me out of there to a safe place. I thought it was safe but as the years went on it sadly wasn’t but that is a different post.

Another example oh starting to have my own mind was to my parents but I have always been under the influence of them. Like I said above I left at 16 years of age but in that 16 years and being raised by them of cause you are raised with their morals and standards but even that I broke away from. I went against the family and as well as going out with a man of a different race I moved in with him as well and that was a lot for my family to take. Again, another story for another day. But even lately with my parents I can see the way I think and even that some of what I have been taught while being raised is wrong. I really don’t want you all thinking my parents are horrible people so trust me when I say they have done a lot for me and do have a lot of goodness about them as well. Lately I have started to notice just how racist my father is and his views and feelings on this are very strong. Goodness knows what his up bringing was like to be like this. But from my upbringing I can see now that I considered us more superior than some other races. Now I can see what absolute crap, there are amazing people in all races, there are crap people in all races. I can see that it’s not the race or color that determine these things in people.

I have friends that are living in a different financial range than myself and I have felt uncomfortable like I don’t belong or fit into their circle. You know what I can see now that is my parents thinking coming through. My Dad is a shocker and I can’t even really talk to him about my richer friends because he makes sarcastic comments about their life styles and how they “waste their money and show it off” which just isn’t true. They are used to living the way they are and shit why not they have worked hard for what they have. I do notice the wealth but I don’t care about that I care about their hearts and them as a person. If they were wealthy arseholes then I wouldn’t want to be their friend but same goes for people with no money, if your nice, your nice end of.

To wind this up I guess I am excited to develop and find ME and to think MY thoughts and to have my own morals and reasons for doing what I do. It’s also nice to find what I LIKE and what I LOVE. It’s nice to try things and do things which would of not been considered before because I was raised that people like I don’t do that or waste money on that. Not quite sure if I’m making sense anymore.

Living life sober, raw and real has let me start getting to know MYSELF on a much deeper level and it’s awesome. There was me who I was raised to be, there was me who I thought I needed to be and now there is me who still has bits left over from her but there is so much more that is ME and not anyone else anymore.

Exercise Day 9 – I have to stop and think if the past two days count, I went Skydiving for the first time yesterday and was so sick with motion sickness that I wasn’t capable of jumping on the x-trainer. Does jumping from a perfectly good plane at 16,000 feet and dropping towards the ground at over 200kph count? I am counting it because the adrenaline rush lasted for so long I’m sure it must. Today I walked the dogs twice along with heaps of housework that I didn’t finish until dinner time but with all of this I have done over 12,000 steps which equals over 8k’s once again I think that counts. Neither have been spending my day as a couch potato.