I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.
One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.
It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.
Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.
Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.