I just wrote and deleted a whole paragraph as I realized that I was telling something that was not my business to tell so am going to try to reword it. Today I witness one of the side effects of living the life of an alcoholic and how much damage it can do to one family. An associate lost her job today because she could not stop drinking during work hours. She was already living a crappy hard life and I am sure that tonight she will be broken in more ways than one. The thing is I could see parts of me in her at times and it was hard to witness. I know enough of her story to know that she is an alcoholic and that she was doing it to numb out her shitty life. Sadly now because of her drinking problems her life just got even worse.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life I want now and tonight I am counting my blessings that I am doing exactly that. How I didn’t end up losing my job I’ll never know as there was a few years when I am sure people would of been able to smell the booze on me and that I would of still been drunk while at work. What a huge blessing I have been given in my sobriety to start all over again and to embrace every moment.
I never fail to be fascinated by the power of my mind and how I can use it for good or bad on myself. One example of that is in thinking is it possible to feel anger towards a person when you are thinking with empathy? I’ll give you an example that happened the other day.
I was traveling to work and like normal I was running short on time, there is always a line of traffic at the moment because of road works so what normally takes 5 minutes is now taking 15-20 minutes. It is a busy road with lots of people trying to get out onto the road when everyone is bumper to bumper heading into town. I see this rental van waiting to pull out from the hospital and think oh I’ll stop and let him in. Now he was on the other side of the road so had to get across to us and I could see that he had plenty of time to do that. I stopped and waited and he just sat there, I’m thinking to myself come on dick hurry up I need to get going and don’t have all bloody day. By the time he thought about pulling out another line of vehicles came along and he had to wait again. I thought of bugger this and drove on again all grumpy like (yep I really can be a shithead). I looked back and someone else had stopped for him during the next break and let him come in which he actually did that time. I was ready to grumpy mutter away to myself and then I pulled myself up and changed my way of thinking in my mind. I thought to myself what if he is driving a rental van because their family vehicle had been wiped out in an accident (I didn’t even know if he had a family haha)? What if he has a family member in hospital that is in serious condition as a result of that accident? What if he has a whole family in there all messed up because of that accident? What if he was too scared to pull out and across the road because of the accident? What if he had meant to pull out but was distracted because of the worry of his family? My whole mood changed to one of shitty anger and grumpiness to on of sympathy and compassion and smiled because myself and another person had both stopped the traffic to let him in.
Such a basic example but it shows how the power of the mind can lead you into either direction (not to mention how creative my mind is). And also how you can flip what could of been a grumpy start to the morning to one of contentment. Aside from the power of the mind it also made me think once again that we don’t know what is happening in each others life’s so practicing compassion for one another can go a bloody long way.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Shit imagine how much worse my mood would of been and I probably wouldn’t of bothered trying in the first place because my hungover head would of been so far up my own butt not noticing anything around me.
I feel like I am getting more sunshine back into my life, there seems to be a break in the darkness. I have no doubt that coming back on here and just writing out things in my brain, and interacting with some of you wonderful people, exercising more, improving my diet and trying not to dwell on missing my friends is all helping. I know that the darkness will left if I wait long enough AND I make efforts to help myself. Falling into depression is not new to me but it is something that I can take steps to look after myself to avoid it the best I can and I wasn’t doing that.
Living life sober, raw and real is so very worth it. You will feel all emotions good and bad but you will no longer be cheating yourself out of these feelings by just numbing them away. If you feel the bad the good feels that much brighter.
I never thought I would watch smoke rising from a burning house and then learn that a man was in that house after murdering 2 people and having a confrontation with the police
I never thought I would hear of a people getting off a rape charges because the victims wore a pretty bra or had a Tinder profile so must of pre-empted it
I never thought I would grow up to be the victim of multiple rapes
I never thought that I would grow up to be an alcoholic
I never thought that I would die on an operating table and be brought back to life
I never thought when I was younger that I would not be able to have kids
I never thought that I would grow up to not be able to remember my childhood
We really can’t pre-plan everything in our lives so that we shield ourselves from anything painful or bad or sad it just doesn’t work like that. We can’t protect ourselves from everything it’s just not possible but I strongly believe that we need to have these experiences in our lives to help us grow mentally and spiritually. I am not saying “hey rush out and find all the shitty things you can because they will teach you a lesson or two” don’t do that because if you need the lesson it will come your way.
One thing I do think now which is off on a different tangent is that we are all capable of and should be trying to do good and find something that you are passionate about. Something that you really care about and want to help make better e.g. for me my passion lies in animal welfare, maybe yours is helping other addicts, maybe it’s helping dementia patients, helping the homeless the possibilities are endless.
Living life sober, raw and real causes me to have thoughts like the above. Sorry I’m still getting myself back to balanced and things are still a bit all over the place. As jumbled as this is and as unprofessional as my writing is it does help me.
Feel free to tell me your thoughts at any time e.g. what was it that you never thought……..
Yesterday’s podcast was so good and there is a couple of things in there which got me thinking.
“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior.” – Pema Chodron
What a great saying and it made me draw the parallel with giving up drinking and made me think of my fellow alcoholics and addicts and hoping that you can keep in your mind that every time you give up you are a freakin warrior.
There is no bond greater than the combining of a tribe brought together for the same world healing.
Okay I can’t put that in quote marks as I am not sure if I have the wording right but it was in a podcast given by Glennon Doyle Melton. But this one made me think oh wow how true, on here we are brought together as a tribe and together as a group a lot of healing goes on. Actually I can think of another example in me wanting to become a Animal Welfare Investigator, when I am hanging around with all the lovely workers at the SPCA there is a real sense of tribe. It doesn’t matter where your from, what sex you are, what is the balance in your bank account, what nationality it doesn’t matter no one cares. What everyone does care about and what brings us together as a tribe is the love we all have for animals. We are united in our empathy for the suffering and we are all there for the same purpose to make what difference we can in anyway we can together working as a team / tribe.
It really doesn’t matter what cause etc you decide to tackle in this world but I do feel it’s important that we find something that we are passionate about and something that helps improve things in this world. We can’t all chase after every cause because we cannot be an expert or learn the skills required to change everything but if we all do our bit together we will improve things.
Living life sober, raw and real is the life I choose for myself now.
I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.
One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.
It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.
Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.
Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.
There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.
It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.
Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.
Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂