Monthly Archives: March 2019

What Finally Made You Stop Drinking?

Last night someone asked me exactly that question – “What finally made you stop drinking?” And as I typed my answer I don’t think I have told the below to you all and it is a very important part of my journey so I wanted to make sure it was documented in here. Below is my answer –

I wish I could pin point just one thing for you but it wasn’t a light bulb moment or anything like that. I was sick and tired of drinking, I sat in a supermarkets car park crying because I wanted to go home but didn’t have any booze at home. My wages should of gone in but they hadn’t and I couldn’t afford it until they did. I sat there refreshing my bank account on my phone until it got later and later wishing that money in. It was starting to get dark and I wanted to go home even more, I wanted to close the door to this shitty world and my addiction and just be with my dogs and drinking so I could forget about how sad and desperate I felt sitting in my car right then. Finally I left the car park without the booze and went home crying. I sat there thinking how pathetic I was and knew that it was time, I had warning signs like while walking the dogs I could feel the heart palpitations and would seriously worry that I would drop dead. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on strong medication for that. I felt desperate, trapped, alone and my option was either suicide or try again to stop drinking. Thank fully I choose the stop drinking option because it wasn’t until I had been sober for a while that I could actually start to see the benefits of being sober. I hope that helps and am more than happy to answer any other questions you might have. XOX

I really had reached a point were I just couldn’t face living like I was anymore. I was so depressed and it wasn’t rare to have suicidal thoughts and make plans to do exactly that. I had been living like this for so long I really had nothing to lose by trying living life sober instead. I’m not an expert and there are other people that have more knowledge than me on the subject of addiction and alcoholism. But if there is any part of my journey that you think might help you in your journey feel free to ask me about it. I’m pretty freakin open and honest about it all. I seriously believe that one way to make good the shitty parts of my life is by using them to help others if I can.

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Drinking Is Stealing Your Life All While Your Under It’s Influence

When I was drinking I was so depressed and is it any wonder???? Seriously alcohol is a depressant, the heart medication I am on is a depressant, I already had a depressed part of me because of things that had happened earlier in my life. I seriously thought that I was dealing with it by drinking and numbing the feelings because I was too depressed to deal with them. I spent over 20 years just in a numb state because I thought that was an easier way to deal with things. You see one of the sad things about being an alcoholic is that it not only numbs but it takes away your logic and reasoning ability.

Alcohol along with your mind erodes your self esteem, numbs everything, makes you lonely, attracts weight gain, deteriorates your health, shrinks your bank account, wastes your life you have been blessed with. Nope I’m not being dramatic I just seeing now with a sober mind just what it did for me and that there was sadly fuck all benefits versus negatives. For me my self esteem had already had the shit kicked out of it and over the years I just bet up what ever was left over. I certainly was numb from the sad and the happy. Lonely well I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want them knowing my dirty secret and I wanted to be able to sink bottle after bottle without worrying about Timmy keeping up with me so I didn’t look like a person with a drinking problem. Well the weight gain was a given you can’t suck in that much alcohol every day and not have it take effect along with the fact you are normally always just sitting on your arse guzzling. Ahhh my bank balance is a very sad story but that might not be common I don’t know but in the end with my fucked up way of thinking I spent everything and my logic was if I didn’t have the money to buy alcohol I would stop drinking. Ummmm wrong, credit card companies love alcoholic me!! The waste my life part doesn’t really need much explanation except now sober me can see OMG there is so much living and life I want to grasp with both hands and say thank you Higher Power!!

Hmmm trying to think of the benefits helps you fit in socially (well with the party side but seriously you don’t need the booze to do that) which is lame growing up I certainly didn’t aspire to grow into this funny, drunken, rambling, slurring idiot just so I could fit in with others in the same state but shit that was where I ended up for a while). Hmm it is a lovely way to reward yourself, help unwind, recognize the start of a weekend. Oh please what a load of shit, what a reward guzzling poison into my body so that I could unwind that much that I would eventually pass out and start my weekend with a shitty hangover or if I was lucky waking up with stink alcohol breath, a mouth that felt like the desert had invaded over night, a crook tummy for the day (probs cause I had poisoned the poor thing). Yep what a great way to start the weekend and then to just retreat because I’m not up to doing anything more than what I have to do and I avoid people because I can’t be bothered.

Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and tonight I did not start out to write the above but I am glad it has purged itself from my mind because that just reinforces that the best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.

Wanting to Live

This week I had to go for blood tests and today I got the results and at that moment I had a “holy shit” moment. You see previously when I was living the life (not really living at all) of an alcoholic and drinking myself to sleep / pass out every night for over 20 years I really couldn’t of cared less if I lived or died. There was many times when I wanted to die and then there was a few times when I intended to kill myself. I had it all planned out and what stopped me was my little dog, you see we are so bonded that if I am not around my family struggle to get her to eat. I have two dogs and the other one would be sad and would miss me at first but he would be okay as long as someone gave him food, love, walks and play. My little girl wouldn’t and I couldn’t kill myself knowing that in turn I would be killing her as well.

Today when the results came in I was worried as I looked at them incase they had found something that would mean bad news. I keep thinking that you seriously can’t abuse your body for as many years as I have and not have a price to pay. Now that part that made me think holy shit was when I realized I actually cared about the results. What a bleek shitty life I was living as a drunk, I was always in a haze, depressed and living in self loath. Now that I have been sober for over a year I know that I still have a hell of a lot of living that I WANT to do. I am now working towards a brighter life where I can see my blessings every day. I have plans, I have goals, I am working on me and I am excited for the future.

I don’t want to mislead everyone I am not all fuck yeah life is incredible and I am so happy all of the time. I can drop into sadness just out of the blue, I can still get stressed over shit that doesn’t really matter, I get lonely, I hurt, I have feelings, I can be grumpy etc, etc. But I have figured out that all of that makes me human. We are built to have emotions and feelings and I have said it before I am willing to feel the shitty, sad, painful etc because if I am feeling those I am also capable of feeling the good. You can’t let one in without the other. I have more good than bad that’s for sure, I still have a hell of a lot to work out and to work on but in order to grow these are totally necessary. I hope I NEVER stop growing and learning.

Living life sober, raw and real is really the life for me and it is leading me to living my best life.

Zen Day

Today was one of those days where the shit just keeps flying at you quicker than you can dodge it (I am talking about problems at work). But I just dealt with each one totally calmly and rationally. Each team member was greeted with a “is anyone or anything going to die if I don’t deal with your case right now?”. If the answer was no they got an “okay just wait and I will get to you when I can give YOUR issue 100% of my attention. All I could think is that I would never of had a day so full of issues and problems while I was drinking and come out the other end of it happy. I dealt with them all and didn’t get flustered or grumpy because I couldn’t cope. I wasn’t tired or hungover which would of drastically changed the outcome for everyone. Shit life is so much better for me being sober.

Living life sober, raw & real really is the only way for me to live.

Self Doubt & Loath

When I was drinking I was full of self doubt and loath, I was always disappointed with myself for drinking which lead to self doubt and loath which lead to drinking which lead to drinking. Oh geez what a vicious circle I was stuck on the crazy train and for over 20 years I rode that train and along with it the habit was stuck on that way of thinking. I fucken hated myself and thought of myself as a worthless, pathetic drunk. I am slowly changing that way of thinking and it isn’t easy because it’s like mentally I have wired my brain to be like that.

When feeling any self doubt and loath and I notice I will stop and I now ask myself now what is the truth??

The truth is that I don’t hate myself, I don’t loath myself, I am no longer disappointed with myself because I am working bloody hard to improve myself and working on so many areas of my life to fix and improve myself and my life. I really do want to turn my life around and make it a life that is worth living. I want to be a change in the world, I don’t want to waste this blessing I have been given (life) and I want to use it to do good in this world and leave it a better place than when I came into it.

Living life sober, raw and real is a blessing and one that I have been given and am giving to myself.

Still Work To Do On Me

I really need to start thinking about what exactly it is that I need my therapist to help me with. I know I want tools / other alternatives to use rather than drinking when I am stressed or upset or bored or shit whatever else I used to use as a reason to drink. I still think every so often about drinking but don’t really want to so it’s not an over whelming urge in fact at present the idea repulses me. BUT there is a big BUT I have given up previously and once for as long as 2 1/2 – 3 years and I started up again. It did not take long at all until I was back drinking like I used to and then even more it was crazy. I have accepted this time around that I am an alcoholic and always will be. I don’t think not drinking stops you being one does it??? Doesn’t it just mean that you are not an active alcoholic??? That’s how I look at it anyway, I don’t ever want to forget it and let my creative mind convince me of otherwise and trap me into thinking it will be okay to start again and just don’t get carried away. See that’s the problem, I really have a faulty off switch for drinking and tell myself just a couple and then it’s 8 bottles later.

Went off on one there but I need to think about just what do I need help with from her. I also need to do last weeks homework before I go back which is what are the good reasons and things I will be doing becoming an Animal Welfare Inspector.

I do know I still need to work harder on my emotions, the other day I was right up high walking on sunshine and seeing my blessings in every direction I turn. I still see them but I crashed a bit when I stumbled in my dealings with one of my Soul Sisters. Now to her what happened is no big deal but I could feel internally that I was so upset and my heart plummeted even at the start of her message “Now I’m going to be honest here” my heart instantly felt broken and I hadn’t even read the rest of the message yet!!! Far out why can’t I get a grip on relationships and friendships. We have chatted about it and sorted it out but I am quietly still licking my wounds which is so dumb because I know she would never intend to hurt me.

Well I think I just answered my first question and I need to discuss this more with my therapist. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to have such deep relationships before that I panic at the small stuff for fear of losing something I treasure so much????? Oh shit I don’t know but I need to figure it out because honestly the way I get hurt and upset is over the top but it feels like I can’t help it.

Living life sober, raw and real is really the only life for me. There are more and more days when all I see is my blessings but there is still days where I feel like utter shit. I can’t help but feel that this is just how life is, it’s okay but I just need to find away to control my emotions better and not take things to heart so much.

I want more days like today!!

This morning I woke up and I was just happy it was one of those mornings. I lay there and stretched and thought hmmm okay body what do you need today?? I could feel that my foot was still sore, I don’t know what is happening there but as soon as I put weight on it the heel hurts like hell but after a while it comes right. The rest of my body felt good, no aches or pains so my last chiropractor visit has served me well. Okay aches and pains sorted how about energy wise, how was I feeling there? Well to be honest I was still a bit tired as I had been late going to bed. I looked at the dogs and they were snoring beside me all comfortable and cuddled up and I thought I don’t have to be at my job today, I’m not going into the SPCA to learn all I am doing is catching up on washing, vacuuming, ironing etc etc so go back to sleep if you need to. I lay there just smiling as I had my two most precious things in the world with me and they were happy, content and healthy. I could feel a gentle breeze coming into the room and just closed my eyes and inhaled, held it and released as I concentrated on the air coming into my lungs. I was trying to reach 10 repeats but my mind drifted at 4 so I started again. Breathe in, feel those lungs full, feel the chest raise and the tummy gently rise below it, hold and release, repeat for 10. Ahhhhh so relaxing, I think I drifted off again for a little while and when I opened my eyes again I was so relaxed and ready to face my day.

Up hit the shower, chuck on a load of washing and out the door with my two dogs for their morning walk. It was an amazing morning and even in shorts and a tank top I was so comfortable with the warmth of the morning sun on me. The dogs took three times as long just stopping and sniffing everything along the way. Doing their little scent marking as they went and stopping to just take in the moment. Dogs are seriously good teachers of just being in the moment. We came across another dog and I started to greet it even before we reached it and my dogs did not perform or react they behaved perfectly. I noticed the vivid colors of the flowers and could smell the roses at one point it was heavenly. At one point I was standing waiting for them and started to think just how blessed I am now that I am living life sober. I might of enjoyed my walk with my dogs but never to this level as I would of been rushing them thinking please just let me get home so I can cook some greasy hangover food and then blob out on the couch. I wouldn’t of started to think far out I am so blessed with the people that have come into my life. There wouldn’t of been therapy sessions happening so I wouldn’t of been making progress in realizing that I’m not as fucked up as I thought I was. I wouldn’t of realized that I really am okay with the decisions and thought processes I have made in the last 12 months about things that have happened to me.

I came home and messaged one of my favorite blessings like I do to acknowledge her in my universe and because I love our little messages to each other. It is important that we let the people who matter in our lives know so I always send her something and this ways todays opener.

Thankful For Friends Quotes And Sayings and Thanks For Being My Friend Quotes, Friendship Sayings In English – DAILY QUOTE IMAGE

Then to top of my morning I came online here and found your comments from over night. Oh my gosh a couple of you this weekend have made me smile so hard with tears in my eyes!! Thank you so much for making me feel so special, I really don’t know if you all realize just how much your kind words mean to me, words are powerful ❤

Yep it was just one of those days where I could turn in any direction and I found a blessing to be grateful for. I acknowledged each and every blessing in my own way and smiled each time that I did. I had a busy day and tomorrow the work week starts all over again but guess what??? I’m even grateful for that because I need the income and I am working towards my way out of there and towards another one that will not only give me and income (less but it doesn’t matter) BUT if will also be feeding my soul ❤

Living life sober, raw and real is the best gift I ever gave myself. I am so thankful that I am still here and that I am getting this chance to make my life matter and to use it for good. I know that the chances are my mood will swing as it does but I also know that all I need to do is hold on for another day like today and it makes it all worth it. Today there was nothing outstanding that happened and yet it was amazing and I am so blessed.

Just because I can here is one of my favorite singers for you, I really am finding my peace of mind. –

Animal Welfare Inspector

As discussed with sobriety has come a clearness of thinking and the ability to dream and set goals. It has also made me aware that the life I was living wasn’t really living it was just turning out and I’d be hungover, at work, drinking, sleeping and repeat (talk about groundhog day). Anyway one of the things is that I realized how much my job doesn’t feed my soul AT ALL. It provides me with an income which I am extremely grateful for but I need to be doing something to improve the world we live in and because my passion is animals preferably to improve the world they live in. So I am at present taking steps towards becoming an Animal Welfare Inspector and part of that involves going and spending as much time as I can with the Chief Animal Welfare Inspector so today I did just that and it never fails to be an eye opener (here is my post from the first day I went with her – https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2019/02/02/even-the-bad-felt-good/ )

Today our jobs took us out of the city and to a couple of country towns. I am rapidly learning that the majority of the people that you visit are very wary of your visit and a lot of them don’t want you there and the welcome mat is very rarely out. Our first call was to two dogs that were just chained to a tree and this had been reported by people who were concerned. Sure enough they were chained to a tree which provided them with shade but there was nothing but dirt for them to sit on, they were in good condition which was great and they were lovely friendly dogs, there were empty bowls around but no water at all (I’ll put what is the legal requirement at the bottom for those that are interested). A friendly talk was had with the owner explaining what needed to be changed and we helped her to set them up with a basic kennel and shelter. While we were doing this the male dog kept trying to mount the female dog and when we told the owner that they will have puppies next she said nah they won’t do anything because they are brother and sister (sadly it is surprising the amount of people who think their dogs won’t breed because they are related). We gave her beds and blankets, flea treatment a bag of food for her dog. By the time we gave her all of this and helped her with the kennel her attitude changed a lot because she could see we were there to try to help. A follow up visit will be made because she needs to get the kennel situation sorted so that during storms it is stable and a way of doing this was discussed along with the offer to get her dogs desexed and come back and help provide a run for them.

Next visit was not as friendly because it was to a young guys house who thinks its tough to have tough dogs and he is very abusive and threatening. Like all small towns the word had spread that we were there and he had bolted from the house. We sighted two dogs on the property and one was chained to a clothes line, skinny, no water, no food and she was vicious. Some biscuits were chucked at her and you could see that she wanted them but she would not move from her spot. Apparently it’s quite common for them to get smart and not show you how long their chains are so you go closer and then they can launch at you. There was also a male dog on the other side of the house and it was chained to the deck and had shelter by going under the deck. He did have water but it was green, no food and he was not friendly either but as soon as biscuits got chucked at him he forgot all about guarding. There is no way we would go in there with him but he would of been a bit easier to pole if needed. Legal paperwork was left were the owner will be able to find it and he has a week to correct things for them both.

We then went back to the city and had to call on another regular because there had been reports that he had over 10 dogs and that they were injured and in bad condition. It turns out that he is good intending but sadly takes in dogs or picks up dumped dogs or puppies and tries to look after them himself. He did have seven dogs and they were actually in okay condition probably the saddest part was that a couple were so over weight that they couldn’t walk properly. There were 2 males that weren’t desexed and naturally one was wanted to be a alpha dog and had 3 fights while we were there. One of the females wasn’t desexed but the guy thought she was too old for that to matter. The offer was made to get the two males and one female desexed, he said he couldn’t afford it and was told that didn’t matter they would be done for free. Sadly he still wasn’t keen but the seed was planted and hopefully he takes it up.

Back at the office there had been a call taken from a lady saying that he dog was unwell and demanding that they provide medicine for him as she couldn’t afford it. She was told to bring the dog in so that they could see it. They thought it had a flea allergy and had an infected tail. On inspection it actually had bite wounds on it’s neck and after unwrapping the insulation tape off its tail underneath it was infected and possibly from bites as well. He wasn’t desexed and had been jumping over to the neighbors dog who had attacked him. The husband was the one that brought him in and I noticed that he was driving a new wagon (yep sure it could be a company one but I don’t think so) and he was well dressed in label clothing. Why they couldn’t go to the vet I have no idea. It was advised to keep the tape off the tail as all that would be doing is driving the infection in instead of having it come out. He was given stuff to treat the wounds and told that if it hadn’t improved at all in a couple of days to come back and see the vet onsite.

The rest of the day involved treating sick cats that are in quarantine at the center. The inspector will be doing the paperwork while watching the rugby tonight at home. It really is a career that is also a lifestyle as she will also be taking care of her own dogs (the one’s she has adopted because they were deemed unadoptable for various reasons) her cats and can’t remember what else she has. Oh and the foster mumma cat and kittens, orphan kittens etc as well. She is an incredible person and her job is also her life, just the sort of person you want looking after the animals.

Living life sober, raw and real is a blessing and is allowing me to have experiences like today. I can’t help but think how different these dogs would be with different owners and in loving pet homes but sadly I am learning that it’s not as common as I thought it was.

Animal Welfare Regulations in New Zealand – Shelter – You’ll be OK if your dog’s shelter and living area meets these needs –

  • Your dog can access their sheltered area at any time. It is clean, dry, shaded and ventilated – but not draughty – and protects them from the extremes of heat and cold.
  • It is big enough for them to stand up, turn around and lie down in a natural position.
  • They have constant access to water.
  • Their droppings and urine do not accumulate

Otherwise you can be fined $300

I’m not falling apart, I’m falling together

Funny I just looked through my drafts trying to find something worthy of writing about tonight and I had saved this title back in November last year. I think looking at it now four months later I am doing less of the falling apart and a lot more of me has fallen back together. Shit I have unpacked some emotional baggage both on here, in my mind, to friends and to a therapist. I had been holding all of it in for over 20 years and it was and is time to stop holding on to it as it is not serving any purpose in my future life plans. One thing I have certainly learnt is that if it is still sitting there festering it needs to be brought out. I was talking to a Soul Sister last night and she asked how was I, how was the therapy? I told her that I have come to realize now that I am not as fucked up as I thought I was.

I have found writing is one very powerful tool and just by writing / typing there has been so much that has come out as a ramble but it has still helped. I have made it a habit to come on here each day and to just type, and just see what comes out. Often as I type I realize that I am working things out as it spews out on here or there can be the combination of a couple of posts that make me have a light bulb moment. There are times when I go back over the same thing and it’s because I haven’t fully figured it out yet or I have realized that it goes much deeper and there is more layers to peel back.

I thought that things that had happened to me had fucked me up but I can now see that I was more worried about what people would think of me for my way of thinking and dealing with things. I was so busy worrying about what people might think of me it they knew how I was processing things. I think if I give you one example it would be the way I have dealt with the rape by the family member. With the whole #Me2 movement it feels like everyone expects people to speak up and to take action. I have never told anyone for fear of the innocent people that it would hurt to know that this person is capable of rape. There would be blame laid and felt for many people and it would not and can not ever change anything. Those are just a couple of examples but I think it shows that people really can’t judge unless they are travelling the same journey, you are not driving my bus! (Which one of you clever bloggers talked about driving your own bus, I love your wording on that one).

For any of you going through anything, it is really YOUR journey and you have the right to feel, think, deal and process it anyway you want! The saying what other people think really isn’t any of our business is so true. I no longer really care about what people think EXCEPT for the thoughts that the people I have chosen to love and share this journey with. These amazing people are the sort that I can talk to and they also question me on my thinking. They want to know, they want to understand, they do tell me if they think my thinking is fucked up but they will discuss why and allow me to explain further. Totally honest and open communication but only to the few I trust. Hmmm rambling now as my fingers type quicker than my brain can keep up with 🙂

Living life sober, raw and real is the best and only life for me.