Last night someone asked me exactly that question – “What finally made you stop drinking?” And as I typed my answer I don’t think I have told the below to you all and it is a very important part of my journey so I wanted to make sure it was documented in here. Below is my answer –
I wish I could pin point just one thing for you but it wasn’t a light bulb moment or anything like that. I was sick and tired of drinking, I sat in a supermarkets car park crying because I wanted to go home but didn’t have any booze at home. My wages should of gone in but they hadn’t and I couldn’t afford it until they did. I sat there refreshing my bank account on my phone until it got later and later wishing that money in. It was starting to get dark and I wanted to go home even more, I wanted to close the door to this shitty world and my addiction and just be with my dogs and drinking so I could forget about how sad and desperate I felt sitting in my car right then. Finally I left the car park without the booze and went home crying. I sat there thinking how pathetic I was and knew that it was time, I had warning signs like while walking the dogs I could feel the heart palpitations and would seriously worry that I would drop dead. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on strong medication for that. I felt desperate, trapped, alone and my option was either suicide or try again to stop drinking. Thank fully I choose the stop drinking option because it wasn’t until I had been sober for a while that I could actually start to see the benefits of being sober. I hope that helps and am more than happy to answer any other questions you might have. XOX
I really had reached a point were I just couldn’t face living like I was anymore. I was so depressed and it wasn’t rare to have suicidal thoughts and make plans to do exactly that. I had been living like this for so long I really had nothing to lose by trying living life sober instead. I’m not an expert and there are other people that have more knowledge than me on the subject of addiction and alcoholism. But if there is any part of my journey that you think might help you in your journey feel free to ask me about it. I’m pretty freakin open and honest about it all. I seriously believe that one way to make good the shitty parts of my life is by using them to help others if I can.
When I was drinking I was so depressed and is it any wonder???? Seriously alcohol is a depressant, the heart medication I am on is a depressant, I already had a depressed part of me because of things that had happened earlier in my life. I seriously thought that I was dealing with it by drinking and numbing the feelings because I was too depressed to deal with them. I spent over 20 years just in a numb state because I thought that was an easier way to deal with things. You see one of the sad things about being an alcoholic is that it not only numbs but it takes away your logic and reasoning ability.
Alcohol along with your mind erodes your self esteem, numbs everything, makes you lonely, attracts weight gain, deteriorates your health, shrinks your bank account, wastes your life you have been blessed with. Nope I’m not being dramatic I just seeing now with a sober mind just what it did for me and that there was sadly fuck all benefits versus negatives. For me my self esteem had already had the shit kicked out of it and over the years I just bet up what ever was left over. I certainly was numb from the sad and the happy. Lonely well I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want them knowing my dirty secret and I wanted to be able to sink bottle after bottle without worrying about Timmy keeping up with me so I didn’t look like a person with a drinking problem. Well the weight gain was a given you can’t suck in that much alcohol every day and not have it take effect along with the fact you are normally always just sitting on your arse guzzling. Ahhh my bank balance is a very sad story but that might not be common I don’t know but in the end with my fucked up way of thinking I spent everything and my logic was if I didn’t have the money to buy alcohol I would stop drinking. Ummmm wrong, credit card companies love alcoholic me!! The waste my life part doesn’t really need much explanation except now sober me can see OMG there is so much living and life I want to grasp with both hands and say thank you Higher Power!!
Hmmm trying to think of the benefits helps you fit in socially (well with the party side but seriously you don’t need the booze to do that) which is lame growing up I certainly didn’t aspire to grow into this funny, drunken, rambling, slurring idiot just so I could fit in with others in the same state but shit that was where I ended up for a while). Hmm it is a lovely way to reward yourself, help unwind, recognize the start of a weekend. Oh please what a load of shit, what a reward guzzling poison into my body so that I could unwind that much that I would eventually pass out and start my weekend with a shitty hangover or if I was lucky waking up with stink alcohol breath, a mouth that felt like the desert had invaded over night, a crook tummy for the day (probs cause I had poisoned the poor thing). Yep what a great way to start the weekend and then to just retreat because I’m not up to doing anything more than what I have to do and I avoid people because I can’t be bothered.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and tonight I did not start out to write the above but I am glad it has purged itself from my mind because that just reinforces that the best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.
This week I had to go for blood tests and today I got the results and at that moment I had a “holy shit” moment. You see previously when I was living the life (not really living at all) of an alcoholic and drinking myself to sleep / pass out every night for over 20 years I really couldn’t of cared less if I lived or died. There was many times when I wanted to die and then there was a few times when I intended to kill myself. I had it all planned out and what stopped me was my little dog, you see we are so bonded that if I am not around my family struggle to get her to eat. I have two dogs and the other one would be sad and would miss me at first but he would be okay as long as someone gave him food, love, walks and play. My little girl wouldn’t and I couldn’t kill myself knowing that in turn I would be killing her as well.
Today when the results came in I was worried as I looked at them incase they had found something that would mean bad news. I keep thinking that you seriously can’t abuse your body for as many years as I have and not have a price to pay. Now that part that made me think holy shit was when I realized I actually cared about the results. What a bleek shitty life I was living as a drunk, I was always in a haze, depressed and living in self loath. Now that I have been sober for over a year I know that I still have a hell of a lot of living that I WANT to do. I am now working towards a brighter life where I can see my blessings every day. I have plans, I have goals, I am working on me and I am excited for the future.
I don’t want to mislead everyone I am not all fuck yeah life is incredible and I am so happy all of the time. I can drop into sadness just out of the blue, I can still get stressed over shit that doesn’t really matter, I get lonely, I hurt, I have feelings, I can be grumpy etc, etc. But I have figured out that all of that makes me human. We are built to have emotions and feelings and I have said it before I am willing to feel the shitty, sad, painful etc because if I am feeling those I am also capable of feeling the good. You can’t let one in without the other. I have more good than bad that’s for sure, I still have a hell of a lot to work out and to work on but in order to grow these are totally necessary. I hope I NEVER stop growing and learning.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the life for me and it is leading me to living my best life.
Today was one of those days where the shit just keeps flying at you quicker than you can dodge it (I am talking about problems at work). But I just dealt with each one totally calmly and rationally. Each team member was greeted with a “is anyone or anything going to die if I don’t deal with your case right now?”. If the answer was no they got an “okay just wait and I will get to you when I can give YOUR issue 100% of my attention. All I could think is that I would never of had a day so full of issues and problems while I was drinking and come out the other end of it happy. I dealt with them all and didn’t get flustered or grumpy because I couldn’t cope. I wasn’t tired or hungover which would of drastically changed the outcome for everyone. Shit life is so much better for me being sober.
Living life sober, raw & real really is the only way for me to live.
When I was drinking I was full of self doubt and loath, I was always disappointed with myself for drinking which lead to self doubt and loath which lead to drinking which lead to drinking. Oh geez what a vicious circle I was stuck on the crazy train and for over 20 years I rode that train and along with it the habit was stuck on that way of thinking. I fucken hated myself and thought of myself as a worthless, pathetic drunk. I am slowly changing that way of thinking and it isn’t easy because it’s like mentally I have wired my brain to be like that.
When feeling any self doubt and loath and I notice I will stop and I now ask myself now what is the truth??
The truth is that I don’t hate myself, I don’t loath myself, I am no longer disappointed with myself because I am working bloody hard to improve myself and working on so many areas of my life to fix and improve myself and my life. I really do want to turn my life around and make it a life that is worth living. I want to be a change in the world, I don’t want to waste this blessing I have been given (life) and I want to use it to do good in this world and leave it a better place than when I came into it.
Living life sober, raw and real is a blessing and one that I have been given and am giving to myself.
I really need to start thinking about what exactly it is that I need my therapist to help me with. I know I want tools / other alternatives to use rather than drinking when I am stressed or upset or bored or shit whatever else I used to use as a reason to drink. I still think every so often about drinking but don’t really want to so it’s not an over whelming urge in fact at present the idea repulses me. BUT there is a big BUT I have given up previously and once for as long as 2 1/2 – 3 years and I started up again. It did not take long at all until I was back drinking like I used to and then even more it was crazy. I have accepted this time around that I am an alcoholic and always will be. I don’t think not drinking stops you being one does it??? Doesn’t it just mean that you are not an active alcoholic??? That’s how I look at it anyway, I don’t ever want to forget it and let my creative mind convince me of otherwise and trap me into thinking it will be okay to start again and just don’t get carried away. See that’s the problem, I really have a faulty off switch for drinking and tell myself just a couple and then it’s 8 bottles later.
Went off on one there but I need to think about just what do I need help with from her. I also need to do last weeks homework before I go back which is what are the good reasons and things I will be doing becoming an Animal Welfare Inspector.
I do know I still need to work harder on my emotions, the other day I was right up high walking on sunshine and seeing my blessings in every direction I turn. I still see them but I crashed a bit when I stumbled in my dealings with one of my Soul Sisters. Now to her what happened is no big deal but I could feel internally that I was so upset and my heart plummeted even at the start of her message “Now I’m going to be honest here” my heart instantly felt broken and I hadn’t even read the rest of the message yet!!! Far out why can’t I get a grip on relationships and friendships. We have chatted about it and sorted it out but I am quietly still licking my wounds which is so dumb because I know she would never intend to hurt me.
Well I think I just answered my first question and I need to discuss this more with my therapist. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to have such deep relationships before that I panic at the small stuff for fear of losing something I treasure so much????? Oh shit I don’t know but I need to figure it out because honestly the way I get hurt and upset is over the top but it feels like I can’t help it.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the only life for me. There are more and more days when all I see is my blessings but there is still days where I feel like utter shit. I can’t help but feel that this is just how life is, it’s okay but I just need to find away to control my emotions better and not take things to heart so much.