Last night I touched on the feeling of stillness versus numb and the difference is as big as black versus white. I really can sit like this lucky lady and I can feel so much peace within myself that I can sit there an just be. It feelings amazing to be able to do this and to have a still mind.
Numbness: The only way I could turn off all of the thoughts and feelings in my mind was through adding poison into my body. My choice of poison was alcohol and I would drink it to excess every single night so that I would be so pissed I would not be able to think clearly. Then I would up it by drinking more until I couldn’t think. Next up it another level so that I couldn’t stay awake so I didn’t risk thinking or feeling at all. This would only work until around 2am when I would wake up and toss and turn with terrible self abusive depressing thoughts including feeling sorry for myself. I would lay there for hours doing this and if I was lucky fall asleep again around 5am so I would hopefully get another hour in before having to get up for work.
Stillness: When I have spare time or am stressed I will often just allow myself to stop and either just sit or lay on the bed and just relax. I don’t know why but I notice my middle finger and thumb always seem to join forming a circle, goodness knows why but it seems to add to the calmness. I can stop my mind and just let it rest for a while. It is so peaceful and when I stop it feels like I have had a power nap. It is like my mind is telling me it’s okay and it helps me afterwards to realise that no matter whats happening I’m okay. Be a nice person, do your best, look after yourself and rock on.
Living life sober, raw and real is freakin awesome and finding hidden parts of myself like this is like slowly opening up a treasure chest that I have been carrying but with the booze it was so buried I just didn’t see it. Don’t ever worry about being boring if you give up boozing, that is seriously far from what happens. You find so many new levels to yourself that booze was hiding away from you.