I have always liked this Banksy picture Balloon Girl as it makes me feel. There is something in the fact that it is black and white except the heart balloon is red. Is it the letting go of everything, is it trying to capture what you have lost, is it reaching for your heart, releasing your heart, I don’t know just so many possibilities. But tonight for me it works for this post, see I’m protecting my heart and am working on learning how to release it from being caught up in other people’s drama. When I say learning I mean trying really hard not to rush in and sort other peoples drama so that they can all feel better. I have always been a people pleaser and part of that was if they are unhappy I am trying to fix what is wrong. I am thinking now that if I didn’t cause the drama why is it my job to sort it out and make everyone happy again.
Tomorrow morning is my next session with the therapist so little on edge and can’t quite think clear enough to write anything to worth while tonight, sorry about that.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only way I want to be from now on. As uncomfortable as it makes me feel I will show up for tomorrows session and I will give it my all to make this work.
Last night I touched on the feeling of stillness versus numb and the difference is as big as black versus white. I really can sit like this lucky lady and I can feel so much peace within myself that I can sit there an just be. It feelings amazing to be able to do this and to have a still mind.
Numbness: The only way I could turn off all of the thoughts and feelings in my mind was through adding poison into my body. My choice of poison was alcohol and I would drink it to excess every single night so that I would be so pissed I would not be able to think clearly. Then I would up it by drinking more until I couldn’t think. Next up it another level so that I couldn’t stay awake so I didn’t risk thinking or feeling at all. This would only work until around 2am when I would wake up and toss and turn with terrible self abusive depressing thoughts including feeling sorry for myself. I would lay there for hours doing this and if I was lucky fall asleep again around 5am so I would hopefully get another hour in before having to get up for work.
Stillness: When I have spare time or am stressed I will often just allow myself to stop and either just sit or lay on the bed and just relax. I don’t know why but I notice my middle finger and thumb always seem to join forming a circle, goodness knows why but it seems to add to the calmness. I can stop my mind and just let it rest for a while. It is so peaceful and when I stop it feels like I have had a power nap. It is like my mind is telling me it’s okay and it helps me afterwards to realise that no matter whats happening I’m okay. Be a nice person, do your best, look after yourself and rock on.
Living life sober, raw and real is freakin awesome and finding hidden parts of myself like this is like slowly opening up a treasure chest that I have been carrying but with the booze it was so buried I just didn’t see it. Don’t ever worry about being boring if you give up boozing, that is seriously far from what happens. You find so many new levels to yourself that booze was hiding away from you.
I was scrolling the local papers this morning and I came across articles about Chrissy Teigen and how she vows to quit drinking after getting drunk at the Oscars. Well she vows to quit for at least a week that is after tweating the next morning “Oh my god I feel like absolute s..t” followed up by “I hereby go sober for at least the week. Booze is poison.” Sadly further down it mentions two years ago she was cutting down after realising that she was drinking too much.
Booze and addiction really doesn’t discriminate and it can effect anyone. It could not give a rats arse whether you are poor or rich, male or female, what color you are, what sexual preference you have IT DOES NOT CARE. But it does care how long you wait inbetween feeding your addiction, it will start to panic if you leave if without it’s fix for to long. Your addictive mind will start panicking and will start playing mind games trying it’s hardest to get you to supply it with it’s fix.
What won’t be screaming for it but it will be there underneath all the mental bullshit that comes with addiction is your inner voice. While drinking your inner voice doesn’t get to have much of a say about anything. If you just stop long enough your mind will have periods of stillness and every so often in this stillness your inner voice will hit you with pearls of wisdom and words screaming that it wants to live and be heard. Don’t confuse the stillness with being numb from booze the two are totally different.
Sorry bit of a ramble tonight but I feel sorry for Chrissy as she is currently putting out so many warning signals and even saying alarming statements that I would love to see her say she is giving up boozing for good. There is just so much more and she is such a funny and witty person she could have an incredible time without the booze and wake up the next morning feeling amazing.
Living life sober, raw and real is so freakin awesome. I can’t help but read about people like Chrissy and thank God every time for helping me on my sober journey now.
I think if you go a long way back in my blog you will find a Fuck It List but there are so many things that are changing in and with me. More and more my mind is not dwelling on shit but spending time being positive and excited for the future. I have goals, I seriously have goals and that is very foreign to me. When you are drinking you don’t have time for positive dreaming let alone feeling excited about your future. Now along with dreaming comes the ability to build a Bucket List and it is awesome. You are really only limited by your own imagination with your Bucket List. If your going to build one please don’t limit it to only the things you can afford or are capable of doing. It is your dreaming and listing things that excite you. For me, I am thinking if I build this list I WANT to do it all and tick them all off but if I don’t it’s not the end of the world. Also I don’t care if I can’t afford them, I don’t know what is ahead of me in the future. I am certainly not going to limit myself to only what I am currently capable of doing. If there is something that I really want to do well I will make a plan and work towards them. Okay you might be thinking oh lordy what is she thinking of now????? Let me share just a handful from my Bucket List –
I want to own and learn how to ride a motorcycle. I used to ride one many, many years ago but now I want to do it again. I have my Bucket List imagination dreaming of either a Harley Davidson or a Norton but hey if it starts our with a Nifty Fifty Scooter so be it. Even a scooter is one step closer than I am now to ticking that off my list.
I want to play on a skateboard and just have some fun. Maybe some falls but I bet even then there will be a smile on my face.
I want to learn how to play the guitar. In my life I have played the piano, violin, flute and saxophone but never the guitar. I like the thought of the guitar it’s so versatile for the type of music and mood you are in. I think an acoustic guitar would suit my needs best.
So now you see what I’m thinking, I just want to do things that I think will be fun and freeing. I think my friend summed it up best when she said so basically I want to go out and live the life of a 25 year old male LOL. Yep probably and considering I am a 50 year old female that just shows how I’m not letting that limit me. For the record she said it with pure joy and added that she hopes she gets to see me do all these things and more.
Living life sober, raw & real is freakin awesome. I can mentally dream and take myself places but better than that if I set my mind to it I can also find away to make it happen. How about you all, do you have anything on your bucket list?
As part of my sober journey I am trying to slowly build new habits that replace the old shitty ones. They can be what seem like silly habits to others but to me they have to serve a purpose or reason as I don’t see the point of replacing bad habits with more bad habits. Some things might only stay a habit for as long as they are serving a purpose and others might stay for good or as long as I possibly can. I want this sober journey to head in the direction of nothing but improvement.
One that I have is that each morning I message a Soul Sister with a Good Morning message, GIF or nice quote or saying or something like the above. To many this would seem silly doing it every morning but to me in my mind it makes perfect sense. I am not just sending a message I am actually reaching out into the universe to someone I love and I know loves me, I guess it is a form of acknowledgement of my blessing.
Another habit I am trying to get into is exercise at least once a day or every second day but Sundays I have decided is the day for “THAT FUCKEN MOUNTAIN” you know the one that I attempted last Sunday and failed. For the first part of the week I had DOMS so bad in my calve muscles and aching in the part of my body that has screws in it. But I made a promise to myself that I was going back to the bitch mountain and I would keep bloody going back until I made it all the way up AND then would have to come back down. Today I conquered the mountain!!! YES so happy and proud of myself, I did not give up like a whiny baby, I excepted some pain but did not let it stop me I just did it. I did have to stop on the way up on the one and only seat just to slow my heart down a bit before continuing but I got up off my arse looked back down the hill knowing it’s easy to go down than up but went “No Fuck It, Not Today Bitch” and turned my back on it and faced the climb to continue up. I climbed and counted 574 steps but I honestly don’t know how many steps there are exactly because I was so fucked I realised at times I wasn’t counting because I was so focused on just keeping on going and just raising one foot in front of the other. OMGosh the joy when I finally reached the look out point at the top!!! I went along to the look out and let the cool air hit my sweaty body. Seriously everything was sweaty but thankfully the weather itself wasn’t to hot. I didn’t hang around up there to long as I have been up there before and standing there in sweaty undies ain’t a great feeling in fact it’s gross. It was easier going down except for the jolting of my screw (haha at least I don’t have a screw loose) with the pounding of my weight going down. In fact it was so much easier I ran a little bit, well okay I was going so fast and the momentum got a bit fast and I had too. Plus there were people coming so it was more graceful to make it look like a little run than a little slip LOL. I made it up and down that bloody mountain in 1.07.22 which when I got back out to the car I saw a sign that said 40 mins each way so even in my shockingly unfit state I did better than that.
Living sober, raw & real is fucken awesome, without becoming sober I would not be on the journey that I am now. I really want to change the name of my blog but am not sure what to apart from the fact I really don’t need the title functioningguzzler anymore because I am far from that. I am rebuilding myself with habits, goals and direction. I am far from perfect I can honestly say that but I am on a road to being a better person than I was.
Just damn well start writing your book!!! – First write a book for yourself with everything in it. Then from that book edit out what you don’t want in the published book. It is totally up to you how exposed you want to make yourself, your family and your friends. But most importantly just start writing.
Some of you write the most magical thought provoking honest blogs on here and by doing so you help so many. Don’t waste your talents.
I want to learn how to have a really loud voice, not loud as in so people a few houses over can hear me sort of voice but I want to develop the skills to have a voice for the animals out there that are suffering. I want to yell it at the top of my lungs that it is not good enough that they suffer so much abuse and sadness because of the humans out there inflicting it on them. You see I have this anger growing inside me and it is building in rage and it comes from things that I have seen and see online and in life.
I know what I feel inside and I know what I see and I want to be able to put a intelligent voice so that what I say makes sense and gets attention. I don’t want to just be doing angry rants.
This doesn’t have much to do about being sober now but in away it has everything to do with being sober. You see if I wasn’t sober and I was still drinking like I was I wouldn’t even be wanting to build a voice as I would be too busy in my own selfish drunk / hangover world. Living life sober, raw and real is so very worth it because it gives you more chance to be a difference in the world and to help towards good.
I made contact with a few friends from my drinking days, NOT to arrange going out drinking but because it had been bugging me that they never ask me to join them anymore. Of those friends two happily agreed to meeting me at a restaurant for dinner 🙂 the third friend didn’t reply to my email, text or message on her phone. I had asked them previously why they never let me know when they are doing things anymore and the friend that hasn’t replied now said because you don’t drink anymore and that’s what we do. My reply to her was “I’m not dead in fact I’m more alive now than I’ve ever been.” I think I got a snort from her. I’m happy to close the book on that friendship and am glad that the other two did meet me for dinner. We actually had a lovely time without anyone drinking and agreed that we should all do it again some time.
This morning another friend messaged me first thing asking if I was feeling a bit better today. Even the fact that she thought enough to check in helped perk up my mood even further.
I think that part of why I don’t want to share with people that I am going through a depression patch is because you want people to think that you are succeeding in life, that you are happy and you have your shit together. Happy positive people don’t put up how they are feeling sad, you don’t want to cry and be down when you know that you really have so much that you can be positive about. It is fun and uplifting to be around happy & positive people and can be hard work to be around someone that is depressed. Anyway I am trying to say that I hate posting on here when I am depressed but I would rather be open and honest than put up a happy, rainbows and sunshine post when inside I’m not. For anyone that suffers from depression I just want to say, hey it’s okay to feel that way life does get you down at times. Even some of the one’s that you think have everything together just might not want to show their vulnerable side or worry people.
Living life sober, raw & real, isn’t always easy but coming out of this patch of depression is so much easier and my thoughts are clearer than if I was drowning all feelings with booze.
You know what life is not a bed of roses and being sober isn’t the full on cure for my depression but I can honestly say hand on heart that I would rather be facing it sober than face it drunk and numb and not even face it at all. I can only speak for myself on here but when I was drinking I would suffer from bouts of depression more often than I do now. Getting drunk I would have more and more negative thoughts until a certain point and then I would eventually reach the point of numbness. By this point I had already convinced myself that I was useless, a nuisance, pathetic and hated myself. I would also be angry because I knew that I had a problem with drinking and that it was slowly killing me and yet here we were once again. Pretty ironic when you think there was many times I wanted to kill myself and yet here I was doing it slowly night after night.
One thing I get gutted about now is that one night I am singing the “life is fucken amazing and I should of got sober a long time ago” song to the next night “boo hoo poor little me” song. I feel like I’m on a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. My own worst enemy is still my mind and all the totally random and unwarranted thoughts it has. There are times when I feel like a crazy person and it is normally based around my friendships and my insecurities.
Last night I found myself wondering over the years have I trained my mind to think boo hoo thoughts so that it was giving myself a reason to drink. Oh boo hoo poor little old me, oh let’s drink to that so you can forget about it and feel better (I never felt fucken better, I got more and more upset until I reached a numbness level that wasn’t capable of thinking anymore). Has being an alcoholic and giving myself excuses to drink trained my brain to have dark, negative thoughts and now it is a habit? I know I’m a super sensitive person and I know that I have so many insecurities and a strong craving to be loved by my friends. The combination of the insecurities, sensitivity and my boo hoo trained mind really is a shitter. I can’t wait until my therapist and I start working on this shit.
This week I am feeling angry and blue along with my insecurities being bloody high. I don’t know if the sympathy and compassion shown to me by my therapist has helped or if it has just made me feel like I have the right to feel angry and shitty. Living life sober, raw & real can be so rewarding bed it is not always a bed of roses. I would rather be doing this sober than drunk and unable to even type rambling posts like this one that drops all these scattered thoughts onto here so I can try to progress and become a better person. I feel like I need to apologize to my friends for my mood swings and also the insecurities I carry. You know how you feel blue but you don’t want to tell people because you don’t want people to know just how often you can feel like this, you just want to be a happy and positive person so others want to have something to do with you??? I feel like that person.
Sorry really cheating tonight, am feeling really down and hopefully will wake up with a better mood / energy level. I don’t feel like posting but know I should and really don’t want to lose my number of posting days in a row streak.
Right from this morning my self esteem has taken a knock and this causes me to spiral into feeling like crap about myself and taking everything far to personally, over thinking, imagining things that probably aren’t even real and being pathetic and needy. Crap, crap, crap!!!!
What a difference a day can make I can go from thinking yep I am doing so good and feeling so positive to feeling like all I wanna do is cry. Arrrggggghhh pathetic. Hopefully I will think of something more positive to share with you all tomorrow.