I have shared on here previously that I was raped by a family member and then in later years multiple times by my now ex-partner I don’t go into it much on here and have manly used this blog as part of my tool kit for sobriety. I really have found enjoyment in the amount of people saying that my writing has helped them in their lives as well. I have decided to write a bit more about the rapes in the hope that it might help other survivors to not feel alone.
I am ready to tell some of my story and a huge part of me is bursting to just let it all out but I won’t. This time around I am only going to focus on the family member event. I am a silent survivor as in I have never told anyone about what happened to me, as in I have never reported it or told a family member. I have told very close friends that it happened but I will never go into full details. I think it is important that people realise that the people that do report rape are only a small percentage of the people that are raped.
The reason that I have never told anyone or reported it was intially because I was already struggling in our family circle to be noticed and hmm I was going to say loved but I don’t think that’s quite right. My mother loves me in her own way but she has not bonded with me anyway that is a whole another topic. So the family member that did this to me was the one that got the focus of my parents. I already knew that I was a disappointment to them and because I was young when this happened I believed that I would disappoint them even further by causing trouble for the family.
Now as an adult there is really no reason why I would tell them as it would not do anything but totally destroy my family. I have no proof of what happened, there was only him and I present and he was so off his face with drugs that I am positive even he has no memory of it happening. There is nothing that can change what happened by telling anyone. If I was to tell my parents it would literally break their hearts and put them in the position of who do you believe. Once again no point. Frankly a part of me would be scared that they would choose him over me in the matter. Can just imagine it now being outcast from the family as the family whack job. I don’t actually think about that side of it a lot because in all honesty I don’t know how it would go down. But I do know that there would be some terribly hurt people and it would be because of me telling about it that they would be hurt. My parents are elderly now and there is no way I want to upset their whole world by trying to clear my head and bringing out into the open what happened. Also the person that did this to me is still in my life and always will be as he is family. Like I said I am sure he does not remember it at all first off because he was such a drugged up mess and secondly because of how he behaves when we are together as a family.
My point of telling this is that there can be many reasons why people don’t report rape or even tell anyone about it. I see the whole #MeToo movement and it makes me cry when I read some of the stories or see any videos of people speaking out about their experiences. I also cry for the survivors like myself that are silent about what happened as I know there will be more of those than there will be ones speaking out. Please don’t ever forget we are survivors!
Thank you for the gift of sobriety which provides me with the clarity to think about things like this. I am hoping that as well as helping myself I will be helping other survivors along with hopefully helping others to understand things like this as well. I am living life sober, raw & real, and it freakin rocks.