Monthly Archives: January 2019

Desire To Learn

I keep thinking of things that I want to try now that I’m sober. It’s a combination of that fact I am pissed off that I have wasted so many years living as an alcoholic with the fact that I am 50 and want to make the most of every moment I have left. Mid-life crises mixed with the excitement of being sober and fully present, look out world I’m awake!!

I reckon that monkey could probably play better than me but I want to learn how to play the guitar. I keep thinking about it and the desire isn’t going away. I freakin love music and it is one of my escapes now when my I’m stressed, angry, sad, happy, feel like dancing you know just when you want to escape. So far in my life I have played the piano, flute, saxophone or and violin but that was during my childhood and just like my childhood I can’t remember how to now. My mother was a music teacher so it was only natural that I would play with and want to learn how to play any instruments around the house.

There are other things I think about and one is I would love to learn how to surf but maybe that wouldn’t be the wisest move when I already suffer from skin cancer and have had bits either frozen off or cut out of my body. Plus I hate the heat, I just feel like I am dissolving without it actually happening. I wish it was that bloody easy, how cool would that be for losing weight? I would give sky diving a go but would probably have to lie on the consent form thingee because I have screws in my ankles and I think that would have them telling me no.

Its just amazing how much more is out their waiting for me now that I have the motivation and mind to dream and think what would I enjoy, what should I try to find out? Living life sober, raw and real, it’s freakin awesome. If you drinking and your thinking what would I do without it, please don’t worry about that you actually have MORE things to do and they are far more fun and you wake up the next morning rearing to go for it all over again.

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Better Things Are Coming

I have noticed that my brain isn’t all over the place like, oh look hedgehog…… just kidding. It is a lot more settled than it use to be, I can still dart all over the place on here while I emptying out my mind and rambling just to flush it all out, but I have noticed that I can stay focused on things for so much longer than I have been able to for years.

Let’s take my view on life as an example, before I was simply on auto-pilot. I was just “turning up” for what I had to in life. I would just turn up for work and do my job all the while hanging out for home time so I could start drinking. I used to look forward to the weekend purely because then I could drink harder, often until I fell asleep then wake up and finish whatever was left and then go to bed. I would sleep half the day away then “turn up” to anything I HAD to do and do what chores I had to do so that I could get back to the next nights drinking. I was never looking any further than the next drinking session. I had no goals, no drive, no desire to improve myself or my life from the shit hole that it had become.

Now I am learning, I am learning how to make goals. I am learning how to look after myself better mentally and physically. I am learning how to have healthy friendships. I am excited about my future and I am enjoying learning these things. With the goal setting I know my soul is slowly dying in my current job, it served it’s purpose by providing me an income from a job I could do with a hangover and could do the job with my eyes closed. Now I have the desire to find out if being and Animal Welfare Inspector would be a good move for me and my soul so I am exploring my options. If it’s not it’s okay because I am now motivated to keep going and find something that does fire my soul up. I am learning to say no. to things so that I leave enough time for me time, just time to center myself. I am getting out and exercising more with bush walks, dog walks and oh I got my x-trainer repaired so have been using that as well. With my friendships I have found that a lot of my old friends have now become acquaintances and not friends as such anymore. They are not interested in my new life without booze and I have found that we really don’t have a lot in common without it. But I have a few friendships I have made in the last 12 months and they are beautiful friendships with amazing ladies that really do bring out the best in me. Sadly they don’t live where I am and different countries often separate us but we are never fully out of touch. I do get lonely sometimes so will try to work on some new friends locally for coffee and going out for dinners maybe??

As you can see I am loving this new sober life, I was just turning up but now it’s more about what lights up my soul. I can dream and set goals and have things to work towards, I love it. Living life sober, raw and real, I couldn’t think of a bigger blessing I have given myself.

Never Promised Tomorrow

I know the saying “One Day At A Time” and sort of understand that but there is another one that I think I may of been taking a bit too literally and that is the “You are never promised tomorrow”. This saying took on even more meaning to me when I have had a couple of people in my life commit suicide. I got so low at times that I considered joining them because I was just so tired and really was trapped in a body that wanted to keep going for some but my mind had just had enough. I was numbing everything with alcohol and it is only since I have been sober this time around that I realize that I was numbing out EVERYTHING the bad, the painful, the emotions, the good, the happy, the joy……EVERYTHING.

Sorry I drifted off there for a moment on a different tangent so back to living life like I was never promised tomorrow. There are some things that I do now that might annoy some or seem over the top like always telling my friends how much they mean to me and how much I love them. Actually that probably won’t change whether I die in the next 24 hours or in 24 years time so bad example. Oh I know one that might make a bit more sense, I have always struggled with diets. Now apart from the fact that I love food I have this mindset of what does it really matter if I eat all that yummy chocolate??? If I die tomorrow it really doesn’t matter if I get fat because of it. Same as exercise, once again face it I am busy and lazy for anything to physical because there are so many other things I would rather be doing because what if I die tomorrow???? Oh saving money is another one, spend it now and have fun or save it for a rainy day. What if I don’t make it to the rainy day???Now I used to apply this logic to drinking, what does it matter if I drink every night………. you’ve got it because what if I die tomorrow I won’t have any regrets. But the truth on that one is that it could very well of been the fact that I was drinking every night that could of caused me not to be here tomorrow.

But what if I have another 50 years ahead of me???? Wouldn’t I be better off investing in my future (I’m not talking about money although it would help) and looking after my body and mind now?? If I survive another 50 years I don’t want to do it in a body that turns to crap just because I couldn’t see past tomorrow. I need to start looking after this vessel that I was blessed with more. I am a work in progress and always will be. I decided last year that I would tend to my body e.g. chiropractor (for the record never underestimate the difference it makes having your spine aligned OMG I can not believe the change) and then this year it is going to be work on the mind. I know I am far from perfect I have some package that needs sorting and I need a different way to think about some things. I need help with my insecurities and I also need help with my emotions e.g. in friendships etc. Shit the list could go on but as you see I need to work on ME. If after all this I can afford it I would love to have my teeth done, I have a dead tooth right at the front after it got smacked and I have cracked coating on front teeth as well. All of which puts me off fully smiling because I am so self conscious of these yucky teeth. The weight combined with more exercise is already a slow work in progress but I am moving in the right directions.

If I knew I was to die tomorrow I know I certainly wouldn’t waste my time drinking booze that’s for sure. I would send each of my friends a message thanking them for being a part of my journey and telling them again how much I love them, I would also explain how they made me a better person. I would let my family know that I love them. I would make sure I cuddle my dogs and tell them I love them and then highlight the bit in my will that says they must be rehomed to a nice home and be happy and loved before anyone touches anything from my estate.

I am living life sober, raw and real, and I repeat even if I knew I had 24 hours left to live like hell would I be wasting any of that time drinking booze. Thank you the blessing I gave myself of sobriety it freakin rocks.

Geez and I was feeling like a wise old owl

Sorry rambly post alert as I vent to get this out of my head. I was feeling so happy and excited with the possibility of working towards being an Animal Welfare Inspector that I was feeling like a wise old owl. I was feeling so smart because I thought I had figured out what I wanted to do and to work towards being it. Everything was looking so bright, it still is but there was a bit of a downer to it today.

I shared my plans with my parents and lets say that my Dads response was not what I was expecting. My Dad is an animal lover and I honestly thought he would be proud of me for wanting to change to a career that makes a difference for them. He said he was not happy that I would be dealing with lots of scummy people and that I am not mentally strong enough to deal with what I will have to see. He feels like were I am is much more stable and that my earnings are greater and that I would be taking a backward step. After that he wouldn’t talk about it any further, conversation done. I really didn’t realize how much it mattered to me that I thought he would be proud of me for something but it really hurt. I am disappointed that he is looking at it from an earnings side of it when he has no idea what my financial situation is like and that’s probably just as well. I didn’t get a chance to tell him the full version with having to study for a year, that at the end I will have as much rights as the Police (except I can not arrest anyone only detain them and wait for the Police to arrive). Actually probably best I don’t tell him the uniform includes the good old stab proof vest.

My Mum on the other hand was totally supportive which shocked me. Naturally she expressed concern for my mental health for all the sad things I will see and the type of people I will have to deal with. She has genuine concern with the use of “P” in our country and how unpredictable people are. BUT she understands that I have always, always wanted to work with animals in some shape or form and knew that I would get into something to do with the welfare side of it. She also understands that at this stage I would be spending time with inspectors over the next year and THEN if I like it I will be looking at doing the university course to qualify for the role. Dad didn’t even let me explain all of that.

When will I ever learn to stop looking for them to be proud of what I want to do? Far out I am 50 bloody years old and still it hurts that I don’t have my fathers approval. I will still be following through with it and checking it out which he won’t like but I can not let this opportunity pass me by.

Thank goodness I am sober and able to deal with this clearly and calmly. Living life sober, raw and real, isn’t always easy because you feel the hurt along with the sunshine. This weekend has had so much more sunshine so I’m smiling as I type this thinking about that 🙂 if I was drunk I would be all sulky, bitter and twisted right now. That makes me smile even more.

Blessings, blessings, everywhere there are blessings

At the moment I am going through a stage of feeling very blessed but still every so often my mind pops up something that throws me with depression or the good old poor little old me thinking. I really do have a blessed life and things are so much better living it sober.

This evening was the perfect example of that, it was a hot day and I was waiting for it to cool down enough to take the dogs for a walk. By the time it had cooled down enough it was around dinner time so I thought maybe just our normal quick walk around the block. But then I looked at my dogs and thought actually why don’t I take them to one of the parks / bushes that I walked last weekend and had noticed that dogs are allowed in there to on their leads. Who cares if it was dinner time, I don’t have family that are sitting there waiting for a meal or to get ready to go to bed I am free. But you know what the biggest freedom was??? I was totally free to take my dogs to the park and let them enjoy their walk which a year ago I would never of even thought about it as an option. By that time of the day I would of already been on my 2nd or 3rd drink and like hell would I be moving anywhere. A year ago alcohol was my main focus and I might as well of been living in shackles and chains, that is not an exaggeration but simply a fact. I am so free, I was able to drive the dogs to the park (wouldn’t of been an option, well wouldn’t of been a sober option). I was able to watch and notice the dogs pure joy at being somewhere totally new and to smell all the smells. I think it was the first time my boy has ever heard ducks quacking and geese honking. Seriously my dogs just kept looking at me every so often like I was the best thing ever to them, their happiness absolutely melted my heart. We just took our time and together we were totally in the moment, total bliss.

I am so freakin blessed, I am happy and healthy, my dogs are happy and healthy, my friends are happy and healthy and my family are happy and healthy. These are blessings and I am so grateful for them. But if I keep my eyes and mind open I see other blessings all around me. Just the fact that I was sober enough to take my dogs to the park and have a moment that we all enjoyed so much just reinforces the fact that being sober is the life for me and there is no doubt that it was the absolute best decision for me. Living life sober, raw and real, is so freakin worth it and I don’t ever want to go back to that not living, unhappy, unhealthy and at times suicidal life EVER.

I don’t just believe, I know!!

I would rather go through life sober believing that I’m an alcoholic than living it drunk trying to convince myself I’m not.

Seriously I know that I’m an alcoholic, there is no ifs, buts or even maybes too it, I am what I am. Today I heard the above from a DJ on the radio and thought OMG ain’t that the truth. Looking back now I can not believe that I seriously did not think of myself as one and was thinking that I was just a binge drinker. A binge drinker isn’t really a term that I would really use for someone that drinks heavily every single night. A binge drinker to me is more someone that drinks heavily when they do drink e.g. on the weekends or at parties but not one that drinks 6 – 8 bottles every single night.

I have actually reached the stage where I have no shame at all of people knowing that I am an alcoholic. I had so much shame while I was drinking like I was and I knew it because I hid how bad it was from everyone. There is no shame in the fact that I now acknowledge that I am an alcoholic and I am not just acknowledging it and keeping on drinking. If I knew it and I wasn’t doing anything about it then I would be very ashamed. I am nearing a year sober, I have stopped the shame game of hiding things to people that I love. I have my tribe and these are the people that I am totally honest with and they know I’m an alcoholic. These are the people that I have told because it makes me accountable for my actions from here on in with them. If I was to fall off the wagon I know they would be upset, possibly even mad for a while but I also know that they have got my back and would be encouraging me, in fact probably offering me a hand up back onto the wagon.

I haven’t discussed it with my family but they are a huge part of emotional damage that I am dealing with. At this stage it’s not a case of me hiding my sobriety from them and if they were to ask I would tell them. With them I have so many emotions that I think for now it’s healthier for me to not bring up possibly emotional conversations with them. Once I start seeing the therapist and I get advice on healthy ways to deal with things then I may tell them. I say may because this sober journey is about ME it’s not anyone else’s journey unless I make it so which I have with my tribe. With my family I love them but I will be doing what is best for ME and what I need to do to stay sober and as mentally healthy as I can.

I am so fucken happy I am sober, I am living my life on my terms, I am living it raw and real with no shame.