Festive Season My Arse

I was thinking in the last couple of days that I really don’t have anything to say on here at the moment. This got me thinking further because I generally always have something even if it’s dumb or a rambling mess. Now I realize that the reason I don’t FEEL like I have anything to say is because internally I am shutting down. Previously I have had alcohol to lean on and numb myself over this period but this time I don’t have that crutch. It was a shitty fucken crutch that came with splinters so I don’t want it back anyway.

Others are getting excited and festive for this time of the year, time with family and friends, celebrating the christian side of it if your a christian, having time off work for those that do etc etc etc. But to me this time of the year is so hard. I really have to shut down all feelings and emotions and then put on the biggest act that would probably win an Academy. Each year my family all get together for Christmas lunch. It probably sounds weird that I say to you all that I love my family but being around them is so hard for me and brings back all sorts of memories and pain. Lets see I sit at the table with the person I wanted to love me unconditionally but could never bond with me and that person would be my Mum. I have to sit at the table with one of my rapists who I used to idolize and had up on a high pedestal before that happened, well in fairness he started a slippery slide off that pedestal when the drugs and booze started taking him over.

My only way of coping at this point is to start shutting back down all emotions and feelings and putting on a big front that I am absolutely fine. I feel absolutely terrible for saying this and do not mean that I want them to die but I seriously didn’t expect my parents to still be alive at their current age. I’m not being rude as my grand parents died at a young age so I sort of thought it would run in the family. I repeat I don’t want them to die but I seriously didn’t think I would still be attending family Christmas dinners. I feel like a total bitch for even having that thought go through my mind but it shows you just how much I wish I didn’t have to attend.

I’m going to try to keep writing on here a bit each night because I find that it helps keep me focused but I sorta feel that I should apologize in advance for what I might produce 🙂 Hmm I’m thinking now, Gilmore Girls & Animal Shelters oh and Friends Far Away Who Are Missed, there you go like a preview I have a some of ideas already.

Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it. Thank you for being a part of my journey.

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11 thoughts on “Festive Season My Arse

  1. I’ll be thinking of you my friend. I know this must all be so harrowing and my heart breaks for you, wish I could just wrap you up in my arms and hold you. You’re loved. ❤️

    1. The good old festive season is not always festive for everyone, I wish it was and am determined that one day I will relax and enjoy myself at Christmas and be surrounded by people I love and have a freakin incredible day and I wish the same for you. XOX

  2. My family was not even 3% as problematic as I understand yours but I still can’t think of or celebrate Christmas without freezing up.
    I was thinking: sobriety first. That is all about what you take in or leave out. I have seen a lot of people fall of the wagon in sobriety over hefty reunions with their family or spouses. Christmas and then New Years eve on top of that is a difficult time. Excuse my not so humble opinion but this situation really does sound poisonous for you.
    Take care, sobriety first. If that means you do not go, it is ok to not go. ❤
    Hugs,
    xx, Feeling

    1. I know I could NOT attend but I also realize that the fall out from not attending would bring so much drama and wanting of explanations that attending for a few hours is sadly the better option. Your another one that I wish the same for you that I pray for me that one day I can celebrate Christmas and be relaxed and be surrounded with the people that I love. Nothing to do with gifts etc but to be able to sit back and look at everyone I love in the room with a smile would be the greatest feeling.

  3. Gilmore Girls is a great way to go.
    I was thinking that being broke (literally $0.23 in my account is a blessing. Because drinking poison is NOT an option for me. Can you take a friend with you? Or can you set up a get away plan to announce right when you get there that you have to leave at a certain time and can’t get out of the other arrangement?
    take care of you and keep posting. We — your readers– are here for you.
    Kate

    1. Gilmore Girls rocks, I have watched the boxed set so many times I have lost count lol. Well I’m broker than that with my debt and still feeling blessed because I don’t want to drink and nor do I want to waste any more money on it. No don’t have any friends to take, and leaving early isn’t really an option. This time around is also sad because it will be the last Christmas with my only Auntie, she is dying of cancer and has been lucky to make it to Christmas so will stay to spend time with her. In saying that because of her condition at least we won’t be long as she won’t be up to it. And thank you so much I love the support of you guys on here. xox

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