I was thinking in the last couple of days that I really don’t have anything to say on here at the moment. This got me thinking further because I generally always have something even if it’s dumb or a rambling mess. Now I realize that the reason I don’t FEEL like I have anything to say is because internally I am shutting down. Previously I have had alcohol to lean on and numb myself over this period but this time I don’t have that crutch. It was a shitty fucken crutch that came with splinters so I don’t want it back anyway.
Others are getting excited and festive for this time of the year, time with family and friends, celebrating the christian side of it if your a christian, having time off work for those that do etc etc etc. But to me this time of the year is so hard. I really have to shut down all feelings and emotions and then put on the biggest act that would probably win an Academy. Each year my family all get together for Christmas lunch. It probably sounds weird that I say to you all that I love my family but being around them is so hard for me and brings back all sorts of memories and pain. Lets see I sit at the table with the person I wanted to love me unconditionally but could never bond with me and that person would be my Mum. I have to sit at the table with one of my rapists who I used to idolize and had up on a high pedestal before that happened, well in fairness he started a slippery slide off that pedestal when the drugs and booze started taking him over.
My only way of coping at this point is to start shutting back down all emotions and feelings and putting on a big front that I am absolutely fine. I feel absolutely terrible for saying this and do not mean that I want them to die but I seriously didn’t expect my parents to still be alive at their current age. I’m not being rude as my grand parents died at a young age so I sort of thought it would run in the family. I repeat I don’t want them to die but I seriously didn’t think I would still be attending family Christmas dinners. I feel like a total bitch for even having that thought go through my mind but it shows you just how much I wish I didn’t have to attend.
I’m going to try to keep writing on here a bit each night because I find that it helps keep me focused but I sorta feel that I should apologize in advance for what I might produce 🙂 Hmm I’m thinking now, Gilmore Girls & Animal Shelters oh and Friends Far Away Who Are Missed, there you go like a preview I have a some of ideas already.
Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it. Thank you for being a part of my journey.