I do a LOT of thinking and one of the things I have been thinking about lately is ME. I would say my posts are all about ME but one thing I am finding with being sober is that I am finally starting to find the real ME. Growing up I was always being and behaving how I thought everyone wanted me to manly in an attempt to have my parents love me. When I left home at 16 I then turned to being and behaving how I thought my partner wanted me to be. Once again I was trying so hard to be everything he wanted in an attempt to have him love me more. Once we broke up I was already drinking like a fish and I was so lost there was no way the real me could even come to the surface. I was struggling to breath and function with work and living that I was simply going through the motions. But this time around sober is different, I am starting to find ME. I’m not the easiest person to love because of my emotional baggage that even I find frustrating but it is all me. I am living life honest with the ones that really do matter to me. When I have insecurities they show and I am hoping that those people love me enough to stick around and help me work through these and reassure me that it’s really okay. I talk to myself a LOT in my head when my inner voice starts screwing with emotions and feelings and very slowly I am making progress.
It’s an exciting, raw and real and often painful at times but oh so, so worth it journey being sober. In order to feel the good I have to also feel the bad, sad and confused. If I turn myself off to those feelings it is impossible to feel love, happy & content. I’m looking forward to getting to know ME even more, the real me, not the wanting to please and desperate for love ME.