It’s time we had a little talk, I’ve been wanting to for such a long time but you have always been so distant. As soon as someone came along that could of been good for you I have watched with sadness as you have struggled. I have seen you wanting so desperately to let them in, and you have come close but you reach a point were you get scared. I understand your fear, the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of rejection, the fear of feeling more inadequate than you already do, the fear of just not being good enough, the fear of people figuring out that your stupid, the fear of people being embarrassed to be seen with you. See I know you have all these fears and more because I am you but I also know of your longing for the people you love to in turn love you for you.
I was there as well you know?? Your wondering where, I can tell. I was there when you were told repeated times that your not the smart one of the family. I was there when you were told repeated times that you take after the fat side of the family. I was there when you where told that because you weren’t smart you always hard to work so much harder than anyone else to progress in school. (Not sure, what do you reckon was that a back handed compliment. We’ll take it that way ah that you were a hard worker, fuck em). I was there when you were told that you were a disappointment as a daughter because you were such a tom boy. I witnessed you trying so desperately to be loved for just being you, to be good enough, to really just be enough.
I am also here now and I am you and I think it’s time we learnt to love and accept ourselves for who we are. Everyone has insecurities of one form or another. It’s really sad that the people that told us the above didn’t have the ability to see the harm that it would have for decades not just while they were saying it. Guess what we might not be the prettiest, so what if we are chubby, so what if we don’t fit in with a crowd and if people can’t accept you for who you are these really aren’t your people. We’ve gotta stop worrying about what other people think and start thinking about what do we need to do to make us happy. If you are worried about what your friends think of the way you dress, the fact your not smart enough or that they are going to reject you for being you then they probably aren’t that nicer people. But here’s the thing I know that the few chosen friends, our soul sisters, our tribe, that we love now aren’t like that or we would never of become their friends in the first place. Let’s give ourselves a break and lets start talking to ourselves with love like we do to the people that we do love. We sure as hell wouldn’t talk to our friends how we talk to ourselves! We are smart, funny, caring, hard working and lovable so lets start acting like it for 2019.
I am so grateful for the gift I have given myself of living life sober. If I was still numbing myself with alcohol I would not of realized just how badly I devalue myself and just how harsh I am on myself. I know it has to do with my self esteem having the shit kicked out of it by numerous people. But NOW it is up to me to change that and to value myself like I deserve.
Happy New Year Everyone. What will you be doing for yourself in 2019?
You now how with alcohol you drink the first one that fast because, you know your real thirsty and all that? Like so fast that you grab two drinks at once so you don’t have to get up again in 5 mins to grab the second one? Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking alcohol because the first one really quenches the thirst anyway and it isn’t full of ethanol (which surprisingly isn’t addictive itself) which causes a chemical reaction in our brains which in turn leads us back to wanting more & more and is one of the reasons that it turns to addiction.
You know how you keep drinking and have to keep running back and forwards to the toilet to pee (well that was how it was for me while chucking back the ciders or beers) pretty much after the third bottle you had to go each time you got up for a new bottle?Oh and if you are like me I used to get wobblier on my feet each time and I often would bang into things e.g. the door handle and then the following day think where the hell did these bruises come from. Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking multiple alcoholic drinks. Because like I say one or some times if it’s yummy or your dehydrated two non-alcoholic drinks don’t pass through you quicker than a freight train.
You know how you would start drinking before you had cooked or prepared a meal and then you would start to really relax and instead of cooking a proper decent meal you would just think fuck it and just grab something to full the gap, well that was if you even still felt like eating. Yeah well, you can still find yourself just grabbing something quick when your not drinking alcohol lol let’s be honest here BUT you do actually take the time more often to cook and enjoy a decent meal. And as you have given up drinking and are starting to take care of yourself better the chances are it’s going to be healthier.
You know how you would start drinking and then think oh shit please don’t anyone phone or call around. I don’t think I’m slurring, oh shit am I slurring how the hell will I know if I’m slurring as my brain is numbing and it doesn’t feel like I’m slurring….. shit to scared to answer the phone or the door now incase I’m slurring. Yeah well guess what?? Now that your not drinking alcohol you can actually answer the phone or the door and not worry about that good old slurrring. Shit you can even drive a car if need be!!
These all seem like basic things but really they aren’t. To me these are all parts of the puzzle that are now fitting together that show me just how shit life was for me while drinking. Basic things, yes I agree, but they all add up to not living my life in happiness and to it’s full potential. I don’t know if this was just relevant to me or if there are others out their nodding their heads as they read this. So much wasted time I can never get back from chugging away a the bottle. I don’t want to waste time on the little things anymore. Today I am living life 100% sober and for that I am blessed.
I am cheating a bit with my posting today as I’m not well so sharing this poem I came across. I identified with this so much because it is only in this year that I have started to feel a bit better about myself. I know that I am a good person and that I have so much empathy in me but I have not always felt like this. I have had shocking self worth, or total lack of, which has been because of the way others treated me, spoke to me and raised me. Now I am taking responsibility for me and realize that beauty is not all about looks. True beauty is so much more about the personality and nature of a person. I hope this poem helps some of you as well ❤ I read so many posts on here and I find myself thinking there is a beautiful person trapped inside the writer of that blog. I think something I read the other day needs to be practiced by all of us, it’s not easy I know but start pulling yourself up when you speak to yourself in a negative way. This was what it was – ” Speak to yourself like you would or do someone that you love”. Food for thought right?
Living life sober and fucken loving it! P.S. I just love the image above it has nothing to do with Pretty or Ugly more that beauty is on the inside no matter who or what you are ❤
A part of me is thinking that it’s nearing time to give some people forgiveness. But I will not be giving it to them but to myself internally. They have not asked for forgiveness nor have the apologized for what they have done. Shit I don’t believe they even know all they have done. But I need to find away to move on from my feelings. I don’t know yet if I will forgive and stay around or move on from them but I know it’s time to do either option. I will not be working on this for them this is purely for myself.
I will have to think more on this but at least this part is out of my head. I love living life sober, raw and real and feeling it all. Tonight I am full of a cold and I think back to when I was drinking and I remember even with an achy throat I would of just drank, and drank and drank a bit more. It would of stopped the body aches for a while but later during a shit sleep I would of woken up and felt even worse. Not this time round, this is another thing I am going to ride out totally sober and I’m happy about that.
Along with animals I love music, when I am having a bad day I like nothing more than to put on my headphones and just lose myself in the music. I think it is one of those things that you can suit your mood and if you want to wallow for a while you can or if you want to pick yourself up you can. Music is amazing like that and there is so much you can just find yourself dancing to or tapping your feet, tapping your keyboard in time I just get caught up in some really good tunes. But sometimes I also just feel like silence, just nothing, my mind and senses have gone into overload and I just need everything to stop. But once I am centered again the music will start again 🙂
Sorry I don’t really have that much to say tonight, I’m tired, fighting a cold and grumpy but I made a promise to myself that I would try to write on here every night and well here I am.
Living life sober is the best gift I have given myself and along with it there is a refreshed love in things like good music and deep and meaningful relationships with my Soul Sister Tribe ❤
This photo is my friend Eddie who sadly lost his life last week from being assaulted. Eddie was homeless and lived on the streets, well in fact he lived under a unused grandstand and tuck shop at an abandoned rugby ground. Eddie slept under there at night with his two dogs. I will always remember Eddie as the person who taught me to reach out to a stranger in need and help if you can. Eddie also taught me not to judge a book by it’s cover. Eddie also terrified me but not Eddie as such but Eddie’s addiction as he was an alcoholic. Through Eddie I was able to see just how savage addiction is and it’s ability to take control.
The first time I sat with Eddie and his dog I listened to his story of how he ended up like he did I found myself sitting there wondering if he was telling me the truth or if he had made his story up. I will include the link to my original post about my first meeting with Eddie so you can see what I am talking about. What also caused me to wonder was when Eddie showed my some lumps and scabs in his scalp and he told me that they were from the hospital as they where trying to send electrodes through his body. He started to drift off a bit there and I could tell that there was a bit of mental illness happening as well. I didn’t mention that in my previous posts as I didn’t want people to focus on that side of him.
The passing of Eddie has brought a lot of people out to admit just how much they enjoyed talking to him and just how many people are going to miss him. What a pity Eddie didn’t realize how important he was to us all. The city held a memorial service for him and he even made it on our countries news program one night.
Well all I can say is thank goodness Christmas day is over for me and all I can feel is relief that it is done. It was a hard day but I knew in my mind that it was only a few hours and that afterwards I would feel the weight lift from my shoulders. I am now emotionally exhausted and will be hitting bed very shortly. It is hard work hiding your emotions and putting up a happy, smiling face for others so no one knows that inside you are suffering. I am so tired and numb that I can’t even really think or maybe a better word is I can’t express the emotions I went through today.
But what I do have the energy to write about here is the fact I have been around alcohol a LOT over the last couple of weeks and I am so happy to report that I have not touched a drop. I have smelt it and started to reminisce about that initial mouth full and how it used to feel but just as quickly my thought turned to, oh fuck off how about remembering how disappointed you are with yourself every time you drink. How disappointed you are with yourself the next morning. How disappointed you are when you have to start back at day number one again. Going back to the shittest nights sleep, the heartburn, the cloudy mornings…….. yuck, yuck, yuck FUCK NO!!!! Apart from today I have enjoyed this Christmas season being absolutely 100% sober and I have NO regrets nor self hate for it.
I was also thinking today that previously I have not done anything to celebrate the one year sober mark. I know it’s not until the 4th of February and I have a bit of time to go but this time around I want to do something. I’m not sure yet, I have a couple of Soul Sisters that know about and have totally supported my sober journey this time around (they were not part of my journey on previous attempts) and maybe I just ask them if they want to go out for lunch to celebrate or something. I’m not really sure but I know that this time I want to mark it in some way.
Living life sober, raw and real is a gift and I am grabbing it with both hands.