It’s time we had a little talk, I’ve been wanting to for such a long time but you have always been so distant. As soon as someone came along that could of been good for you I have watched with sadness as you have struggled. I have seen you wanting so desperately to let them in, and you have come close but you reach a point were you get scared. I understand your fear, the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of rejection, the fear of feeling more inadequate than you already do, the fear of just not being good enough, the fear of people figuring out that your stupid, the fear of people being embarrassed to be seen with you. See I know you have all these fears and more because I am you but I also know of your longing for the people you love to in turn love you for you.
I was there as well you know?? Your wondering where, I can tell. I was there when you were told repeated times that your not the smart one of the family. I was there when you were told repeated times that you take after the fat side of the family. I was there when you where told that because you weren’t smart you always hard to work so much harder than anyone else to progress in school. (Not sure, what do you reckon was that a back handed compliment. We’ll take it that way ah that you were a hard worker, fuck em). I was there when you were told that you were a disappointment as a daughter because you were such a tom boy. I witnessed you trying so desperately to be loved for just being you, to be good enough, to really just be enough.
I am also here now and I am you and I think it’s time we learnt to love and accept ourselves for who we are. Everyone has insecurities of one form or another. It’s really sad that the people that told us the above didn’t have the ability to see the harm that it would have for decades not just while they were saying it. Guess what we might not be the prettiest, so what if we are chubby, so what if we don’t fit in with a crowd and if people can’t accept you for who you are these really aren’t your people. We’ve gotta stop worrying about what other people think and start thinking about what do we need to do to make us happy. If you are worried about what your friends think of the way you dress, the fact your not smart enough or that they are going to reject you for being you then they probably aren’t that nicer people. But here’s the thing I know that the few chosen friends, our soul sisters, our tribe, that we love now aren’t like that or we would never of become their friends in the first place. Let’s give ourselves a break and lets start talking to ourselves with love like we do to the people that we do love. We sure as hell wouldn’t talk to our friends how we talk to ourselves! We are smart, funny, caring, hard working and lovable so lets start acting like it for 2019.
I am so grateful for the gift I have given myself of living life sober. If I was still numbing myself with alcohol I would not of realized just how badly I devalue myself and just how harsh I am on myself. I know it has to do with my self esteem having the shit kicked out of it by numerous people. But NOW it is up to me to change that and to value myself like I deserve.
Happy New Year Everyone. What will you be doing for yourself in 2019?
You now how with alcohol you drink the first one that fast because, you know your real thirsty and all that? Like so fast that you grab two drinks at once so you don’t have to get up again in 5 mins to grab the second one? Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking alcohol because the first one really quenches the thirst anyway and it isn’t full of ethanol (which surprisingly isn’t addictive itself) which causes a chemical reaction in our brains which in turn leads us back to wanting more & more and is one of the reasons that it turns to addiction.
You know how you keep drinking and have to keep running back and forwards to the toilet to pee (well that was how it was for me while chucking back the ciders or beers) pretty much after the third bottle you had to go each time you got up for a new bottle?Oh and if you are like me I used to get wobblier on my feet each time and I often would bang into things e.g. the door handle and then the following day think where the hell did these bruises come from. Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking multiple alcoholic drinks. Because like I say one or some times if it’s yummy or your dehydrated two non-alcoholic drinks don’t pass through you quicker than a freight train.
You know how you would start drinking before you had cooked or prepared a meal and then you would start to really relax and instead of cooking a proper decent meal you would just think fuck it and just grab something to full the gap, well that was if you even still felt like eating. Yeah well, you can still find yourself just grabbing something quick when your not drinking alcohol lol let’s be honest here BUT you do actually take the time more often to cook and enjoy a decent meal. And as you have given up drinking and are starting to take care of yourself better the chances are it’s going to be healthier.
You know how you would start drinking and then think oh shit please don’t anyone phone or call around. I don’t think I’m slurring, oh shit am I slurring how the hell will I know if I’m slurring as my brain is numbing and it doesn’t feel like I’m slurring….. shit to scared to answer the phone or the door now incase I’m slurring. Yeah well guess what?? Now that your not drinking alcohol you can actually answer the phone or the door and not worry about that good old slurrring. Shit you can even drive a car if need be!!
These all seem like basic things but really they aren’t. To me these are all parts of the puzzle that are now fitting together that show me just how shit life was for me while drinking. Basic things, yes I agree, but they all add up to not living my life in happiness and to it’s full potential. I don’t know if this was just relevant to me or if there are others out their nodding their heads as they read this. So much wasted time I can never get back from chugging away a the bottle. I don’t want to waste time on the little things anymore. Today I am living life 100% sober and for that I am blessed.
I am cheating a bit with my posting today as I’m not well so sharing this poem I came across. I identified with this so much because it is only in this year that I have started to feel a bit better about myself. I know that I am a good person and that I have so much empathy in me but I have not always felt like this. I have had shocking self worth, or total lack of, which has been because of the way others treated me, spoke to me and raised me. Now I am taking responsibility for me and realize that beauty is not all about looks. True beauty is so much more about the personality and nature of a person. I hope this poem helps some of you as well ❤ I read so many posts on here and I find myself thinking there is a beautiful person trapped inside the writer of that blog. I think something I read the other day needs to be practiced by all of us, it’s not easy I know but start pulling yourself up when you speak to yourself in a negative way. This was what it was – ” Speak to yourself like you would or do someone that you love”. Food for thought right?
Living life sober and fucken loving it! P.S. I just love the image above it has nothing to do with Pretty or Ugly more that beauty is on the inside no matter who or what you are ❤
A part of me is thinking that it’s nearing time to give some people forgiveness. But I will not be giving it to them but to myself internally. They have not asked for forgiveness nor have the apologized for what they have done. Shit I don’t believe they even know all they have done. But I need to find away to move on from my feelings. I don’t know yet if I will forgive and stay around or move on from them but I know it’s time to do either option. I will not be working on this for them this is purely for myself.
I will have to think more on this but at least this part is out of my head. I love living life sober, raw and real and feeling it all. Tonight I am full of a cold and I think back to when I was drinking and I remember even with an achy throat I would of just drank, and drank and drank a bit more. It would of stopped the body aches for a while but later during a shit sleep I would of woken up and felt even worse. Not this time round, this is another thing I am going to ride out totally sober and I’m happy about that.
Along with animals I love music, when I am having a bad day I like nothing more than to put on my headphones and just lose myself in the music. I think it is one of those things that you can suit your mood and if you want to wallow for a while you can or if you want to pick yourself up you can. Music is amazing like that and there is so much you can just find yourself dancing to or tapping your feet, tapping your keyboard in time I just get caught up in some really good tunes. But sometimes I also just feel like silence, just nothing, my mind and senses have gone into overload and I just need everything to stop. But once I am centered again the music will start again 🙂
Sorry I don’t really have that much to say tonight, I’m tired, fighting a cold and grumpy but I made a promise to myself that I would try to write on here every night and well here I am.
Living life sober is the best gift I have given myself and along with it there is a refreshed love in things like good music and deep and meaningful relationships with my Soul Sister Tribe ❤
This photo is my friend Eddie who sadly lost his life last week from being assaulted. Eddie was homeless and lived on the streets, well in fact he lived under a unused grandstand and tuck shop at an abandoned rugby ground. Eddie slept under there at night with his two dogs. I will always remember Eddie as the person who taught me to reach out to a stranger in need and help if you can. Eddie also taught me not to judge a book by it’s cover. Eddie also terrified me but not Eddie as such but Eddie’s addiction as he was an alcoholic. Through Eddie I was able to see just how savage addiction is and it’s ability to take control.
The first time I sat with Eddie and his dog I listened to his story of how he ended up like he did I found myself sitting there wondering if he was telling me the truth or if he had made his story up. I will include the link to my original post about my first meeting with Eddie so you can see what I am talking about. What also caused me to wonder was when Eddie showed my some lumps and scabs in his scalp and he told me that they were from the hospital as they where trying to send electrodes through his body. He started to drift off a bit there and I could tell that there was a bit of mental illness happening as well. I didn’t mention that in my previous posts as I didn’t want people to focus on that side of him.
The passing of Eddie has brought a lot of people out to admit just how much they enjoyed talking to him and just how many people are going to miss him. What a pity Eddie didn’t realize how important he was to us all. The city held a memorial service for him and he even made it on our countries news program one night.
Well all I can say is thank goodness Christmas day is over for me and all I can feel is relief that it is done. It was a hard day but I knew in my mind that it was only a few hours and that afterwards I would feel the weight lift from my shoulders. I am now emotionally exhausted and will be hitting bed very shortly. It is hard work hiding your emotions and putting up a happy, smiling face for others so no one knows that inside you are suffering. I am so tired and numb that I can’t even really think or maybe a better word is I can’t express the emotions I went through today.
But what I do have the energy to write about here is the fact I have been around alcohol a LOT over the last couple of weeks and I am so happy to report that I have not touched a drop. I have smelt it and started to reminisce about that initial mouth full and how it used to feel but just as quickly my thought turned to, oh fuck off how about remembering how disappointed you are with yourself every time you drink. How disappointed you are with yourself the next morning. How disappointed you are when you have to start back at day number one again. Going back to the shittest nights sleep, the heartburn, the cloudy mornings…….. yuck, yuck, yuck FUCK NO!!!! Apart from today I have enjoyed this Christmas season being absolutely 100% sober and I have NO regrets nor self hate for it.
I was also thinking today that previously I have not done anything to celebrate the one year sober mark. I know it’s not until the 4th of February and I have a bit of time to go but this time around I want to do something. I’m not sure yet, I have a couple of Soul Sisters that know about and have totally supported my sober journey this time around (they were not part of my journey on previous attempts) and maybe I just ask them if they want to go out for lunch to celebrate or something. I’m not really sure but I know that this time I want to mark it in some way.
Living life sober, raw and real is a gift and I am grabbing it with both hands.
***WARNING DEPRESSING ANIMAL POST – SO MUCH SADNESS***
We really have a problem in this world, well we have many problems but there is one that I am involved in because of the volunteer work that I do. This really sucks and I feel so sad for the animals. There are so many pets that end up in our shelters that sadly there is not enough people out their looking for new pets as in there is not enough being adopted. Sadly so many never make it out of the shelters because of this. There are other reasons as well e.g. the pet is to aggressive and it can not be rehomed. People bag the pounds for putting healthy pets to sleep but my question to them is well what do they do? The pounds are full, the rescues are overwhelmed and already overloaded, there are not enough people adopting and the population of dogs just keeps growing.
My heart really goes out to the pound staff, I have gotten to know many of them over the years. Of cause just like everywhere there are some arseholes among them but the majority of them are really good people. At this time of the year these places have to prepare for and influx of pets as they get in the normal found pets but they also have to make room for the abandoned pets, dogs that have hurt either people or stock and surrendered pets. In my country they legally have to hold onto a pet for a 7 day period if found so as to give an owner time to come looking for their pet. For pets that are signed over or so called surrendered the 7 day period doesn’t apply. After this period they will be temperament tested and have a basic health check. If it passes both of these and the shelters have room to keep holding them they can go up for adoption. Often rescues will take some if they can but like I say they are all already over loaded at the moment. Many pets fail the temperament test but not because they are aggressive by nature but because they are scared out of their poor little minds and are in full fight or flight mode. So if they don’t have room or somewhere else to send them or they fail the temperament test they are put to sleep. In one of our major cities we are talking in the thousands each year. It is disgusting and something that doesn’t seem to be improving. All of the shelter staff that I know have multiple dogs now through adopting from the shelter themselves because they can’ bear to see them put down.
Just this week I had to remove a LOT of posts, advertising dogs in an attempt to find their owners, because they had all been put to sleep. The shelter has had it clear out ready for being shorter staffed due to holidays and also in preparation for the influx of new dogs. This is a sad reality that I witness every festive season. Because I manage the volunteer pet service I don’t share this with other volunteers because it is simply to upsetting. I would end up losing so many of my team members through compassion fatigue if I did. To all the poor pets losing their lives this festive period I want to say I am so very sorry, I wish I could come up with the solution to the problem but am doing everything I can to try to help you. Bless you all as you travel to Rainbow Bridge. God when I die please, please can I have a job at Rainbow Bridge???? I really want to get up there and show them all the love they deserve.
Sorry for such a downer post, I am downloading it here to get it out and whether people read this or not is not even relevant I just need it out.
Okay I did warn you that as part of my shutting down in prep for this Christmas and family get together that you might have to put up with some ramblings, well here we go.
Watching the Gilmore Girls is one of my go to favorite distractions when I am upset and tired. I love the relationship between the mother and daughter, and yes I wish I had one like that with my mother. It is such a comical show that is full of wit and banter and just makes me smile. I have watched the box set over and over so many times now I have lost count. It’s just one of those programs that the more you watch it the more clever things they have hidden in there. There are so many interesting relationships happening but there is also so much love between them all. I know that it’s just a program but I could live in their town I reckon.
Okay so well I am giving away that I use the Gilmore Girls program to calm me I might as well fess up and admit to being a bit of a Spongebob Square pants fan. I used to be sick a LOT and spent so long in bed with being so sick and many sleepless nights spent with my head in a bucket that I used to watch hours of Spongebob as a distraction. Cracks me up to think of it now but I love his infectious giggle and his kind heart. I could watch it while being sick and it really didn’t matter if I missed parts because I wasn’t really following the story but it was distracting me and was a happy program. I did end up knowing all about Patrick Starfish, Squidward, Mr Krabs and Sandy Cheeks oh and Mrs Puff.
For the record I do like adult programs as well but these two programs have been in my life for a long time and have really served a purpose.
Living life sober, raw & real, thank you for being a part of my journey.
I was thinking in the last couple of days that I really don’t have anything to say on here at the moment. This got me thinking further because I generally always have something even if it’s dumb or a rambling mess. Now I realize that the reason I don’t FEEL like I have anything to say is because internally I am shutting down. Previously I have had alcohol to lean on and numb myself over this period but this time I don’t have that crutch. It was a shitty fucken crutch that came with splinters so I don’t want it back anyway.
Others are getting excited and festive for this time of the year, time with family and friends, celebrating the christian side of it if your a christian, having time off work for those that do etc etc etc. But to me this time of the year is so hard. I really have to shut down all feelings and emotions and then put on the biggest act that would probably win an Academy. Each year my family all get together for Christmas lunch. It probably sounds weird that I say to you all that I love my family but being around them is so hard for me and brings back all sorts of memories and pain. Lets see I sit at the table with the person I wanted to love me unconditionally but could never bond with me and that person would be my Mum. I have to sit at the table with one of my rapists who I used to idolize and had up on a high pedestal before that happened, well in fairness he started a slippery slide off that pedestal when the drugs and booze started taking him over.
My only way of coping at this point is to start shutting back down all emotions and feelings and putting on a big front that I am absolutely fine. I feel absolutely terrible for saying this and do not mean that I want them to die but I seriously didn’t expect my parents to still be alive at their current age. I’m not being rude as my grand parents died at a young age so I sort of thought it would run in the family. I repeat I don’t want them to die but I seriously didn’t think I would still be attending family Christmas dinners. I feel like a total bitch for even having that thought go through my mind but it shows you just how much I wish I didn’t have to attend.
I’m going to try to keep writing on here a bit each night because I find that it helps keep me focused but I sorta feel that I should apologize in advance for what I might produce 🙂 Hmm I’m thinking now, Gilmore Girls & Animal Shelters oh and Friends Far Away Who Are Missed, there you go like a preview I have a some of ideas already.
Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it. Thank you for being a part of my journey.