I really am going through a phase of feeling quite lost. I know I have started to build an amazing tribe around me with a few select beautiful souls but I feel lost in my own family at the moment. I feel lost in the life I am living, work, family, old friends and life in general. As I have been going through and dealing with my old luggage and pulling out old demons and shaking them off and facing them I am now finding that I am having a hard time being around some of my family. Shit I even struggle to look some of them in the eyes at the moment. I don’t regret what I am doing at all, it is painful as hell and it is one of the harder things I have had to do BUT I feel this time around I am making huge progress and it is a necessary part of my sober journey this time around. I now strongly believe that a huge reason why I fell off the sober train last time was because I didn’t do any of this work. There is something bugging the shit out of me though and that is just how little I do remember of my child hood. I’ve mentioned this before and so many things have come flooding back to me and that was in overload when I went back to my home town for a visit. The memories were so strong I came back here and wrote a post (which I took down but will put up again one day) and found myself sitting here thinking shit is my mind making this up because it was really bad memories. I actually sat here doubting myself and had to re-read it to myself and the sad thing was then I realized ummm no I hadn’t made it up it really was that bad. The thing I find surprising as the person that I am now (I have mixed feelings about saying person I am, I have always been ME and that person was ME no one else) is that I stayed and put up with all that shit for so long! I just can’t figure out why the hell can’t I remember my childhood. I honestly can’t remember being a child, who the fuck forgets their childhood?????
Something else I have been thinking about is looking and moving forward and where to now. I don’t know and I have never been a goal setting person but I think that was because I was living my life numb. I honestly did not give a shit about myself and what happened nor were I ended up. Oh actually there has been one part that I have worried about in the future and that is dying alone. Isn’t that weird, I still have so much living to do but I have worried about that. I really think I need some goals and some things to work towards as I am seriously drifting through life at the moment. I don’t have things to look forward to and I don’t want to keep working where I am. I REALLY want to either work helping people with mental health or addiction OR both problems OR I want to help pets especially dogs and yet I don’t know how the heck I am going to achieve either. I don’t have any money to pay for commencing study so will have to find another way or work towards something. First goal is to learn how to set goals, sounds stupid right but honestly I have never set them before. I am thinking teeny tiny weekly goals, tiny monthly goals, yearly goals and maybe 5 year goals, I don’t know but this is just one of the things rattling around in my mind at the moment. Oh any and all suggestions idea’s welcome as always 🙂
Having a clear sober mind makes even thinking of looking ahead possible were as before this numbed out mind wouldn’t of been capable or given a shit enough to want to do it.