Just Lost

I really am going through a phase of feeling quite lost. I know I have started to build an amazing tribe around me with a few select beautiful souls but I feel lost in my own family at the moment. I feel lost in the life I am living, work, family, old friends and life in general. As I have been going through and dealing with my old luggage and pulling out old demons and shaking them off and facing them I am now finding that I am having a hard time being around some of my family. Shit I even struggle to look some of them in the eyes at the moment. I don’t regret what I am doing at all, it is painful as hell and it is one of the harder things I have had to do BUT I feel this time around I am making huge progress and it is a necessary part of my sober journey this time around. I now strongly believe that a huge reason why I fell off the sober train last time was because I didn’t do any of this work. There is something bugging the shit out of me though and that is just how little I do remember of my child hood. I’ve mentioned this before and so many things have come flooding back to me and that was in overload when I went back to my home town for a visit. The memories were so strong I came back here and wrote a post (which I took down but will put up again one day) and found myself sitting here thinking shit is my mind making this up because it was really bad memories. I actually sat here doubting myself and had to re-read it to myself and the sad thing was then I realized ummm no I hadn’t made it up it really was that bad. The thing I find surprising as the person that I am now (I have mixed feelings about saying person I am, I have always been ME and that person was ME no one else) is that I stayed and put up with all that shit for so long! I just can’t figure out why the hell can’t I remember my childhood. I honestly can’t remember being a child, who the fuck forgets their childhood?????

Something else I have been thinking about is looking and moving forward and where to now. I don’t know and I have never been a goal setting person but I think that was because I was living my life numb. I honestly did not give a shit about myself and what happened nor were I ended up. Oh actually there has been one part that I have worried about in the future and that is dying alone. Isn’t that weird, I still have so much living to do but I have worried about that.Β  I really think I need some goals and some things to work towards as I am seriously drifting through life at the moment. I don’t have things to look forward to and I don’t want to keep working where I am. I REALLY want to either work helping people with mental health or addiction OR both problems OR I want to help pets especially dogs and yet I don’t know how the heck I am going to achieve either. I don’t have any money to pay for commencing study so will have to find another way or work towards something. First goal is to learn how to set goals, sounds stupid right but honestly I have never set them before. I am thinking teeny tiny weekly goals, tiny monthly goals, yearly goals and maybe 5 year goals, I don’t know but this is just one of the things rattling around in my mind at the moment. Oh any and all suggestions idea’s welcome as always πŸ™‚

Having a clear sober mind makes even thinking of looking ahead possible were as before this numbed out mind wouldn’t of been capable or given a shit enough to want to do it.


10 thoughts on “Just Lost

  1. I recognise so much of what you say in myself it is baffling, I feel I could have written this post. Apart from the ‘who does not remember’ because I do remember. But I maybe did not live as far away from my hometown as you did – regularly connecting back home makes memories stay.
    And yes: it is not unlikely that you will find out that a whole part of your youth, teenage time and older was horrible and that you had difficulty feeling even remotely safe. There IS a reason that alcohol gets a grasp on people. What I found through the years is that my eyes opened up to the experiences I had. It is not so much that memories returned, although I do have sudden flashbacks too, but it is like I finally experience what I actually felt in those moment. And some, a lot, of those memories are horrifying.
    Also: with realizing what has happened, it is not unlikely that your feelings towards some members of your tribe / family will change, possibly even drastically. I got sober and suddenly I can’t stand my brother anymore. He was witness, if not the cause of a whole lot of hardship that has been put on me and he NEVER spoke up. He even denied stuff had happened, giving my mother an excuse to believe I was the lier instead of him. He used to be my hero. We were all trapped in this ‘this is how we would like to believe we are’ fairy tale, this ‘keeping up appearances’. It is tough. I found it one of the toughest things of sobriety. But also: one of the most needed. Because with the falling away of the fakeness of my family structure I got and get to see the fakeness in me and the truth in me. Which, now after a few years, somehow leads to acceptance :-). As I was just up here to post a quote from Carl Rogers whom I just only discovered today. He says: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ” ❀
    You might want to take a closer look at how you feel around your family, specifically the first few seconds in which one connects back again are very informative. And maybe have a look at the amount and duration of visits. It is my pretty dark thought that a community that lets a person become addicted might…. possibly, not be the community in which people actually heal. Although dealing with what was is obviously important. A family is as sick as their sickest member and there IS a reason for that. 😦
    Hmmm, now I'm looking for some light remark to close of this rather dark reply. Hmmm…. you might want to Google Carl Rogers and then read the quotes. He's lovely. πŸ™‚
    Sending hugs,
    xx, Feeling

    1. Not sure if I want to swap the can’t remember at all with your can remember it all.

      When I say Tribe I mean my hand picked soul family which is different to my Family that I was born into and you don’t get to pick. I need to make a post sometime about my parents more, don’t get me wrong I love them so much but yes they failed to protect me etc. I will try to explain my way of thinking more some time, I will say that none of us come with a manual and they were so busy trying to stop one child from disaster that they totally dropped the ball with the other one. They have apologized for it once but then went back to how it was.

      I am so sorry to hear about your relationship with your brother, far out now yours is mirroring mine as well. I idolized him and yet he did what he did. Do you not have anything to do with your family at all now or just minimal amounts?

      β€œThe curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ” ❀ – I love that!!!!

      Very dark reply but once again appreciated and very thought provoking, thank you Feeling xox sending a big hug your way.

  2. Could you start volunteering in those fields? Even helping out at a local dig shelter one day a week?
    Also, dying alone is a natural human fear. I also think of that at times.

    1. Hi Wendy πŸ™‚ I could look at volunteering like that and have been pondering it and trying to figure out how I can do it. I already do a lot of volunteering work but it is all done from home. Trying to figure out how I can do it without making the good work I do there suffer at all.

      Oh THANK YOU for saying that about dying alone being a natural fear, I see programs with John Does and think yep that could be me. I have a friend that said I would never let you die alone but you just can’t promise people things like that.

      xox once again thank you for your wonderful input.

  3. My youngest daughter (19) has just signed up for counselling. It’s a bit of a wait, but hopefully will be worth it. The reason I’m banging on about her is that she has blocked out much of her childhood. It’s a defence mechanism but as she’s facing things now, there are a lot of tears and more. I’m part of that horrible childhood, but we’re very close and she cries to me often. It’s heartbreaking and there’s a long way to go, but my wish is that eventually she’ll be free of the anxiety she’s had most of her life. I truly wish and hope the same for you. X

    1. LOL you weren’t banging on about her, I appreciate your comments and support S_MW. I hope she enjoys the course when she gets started. I am so glad to hear that you have a relationship now were you are able to talk through things with her. I would love to have childhood memories and have tried so hard to get something, anything back but nothing. It just doesn’t feel right and feels very weird to not have any, sort of like I got off the train of my life in my teenage years and the first part just never happened, yet it must of because here I am.

      Once again thank you, sending you a big hug and hope things keep working out and progressing with your daughter xox

  4. That must be really tough to deal with, I feel for you. I guess alcohol sort of puts a blanket over everything and allows you to numb yourself and not deal with stuff. I don’t have anything dark lurking in the past relating to my family in any way but there are definitely feelings around them all that have changed since I got sober and I’ve discovered messed up stuff in my thinking that I’m now trying to address (like trying to please and impress someone who will never approve of me no matter what I do and will certainly never EVER be impressed) and change what I can. I’m learning to let go. I suppose sobriety is like turning on the light. You might not see the mess in the corners in the dark, nor have to deal with it because it isn’t right in your way or tripping you up. I think you’re so brave facing old ghosts head on and can only imagine how painful it must be. Love you. xxxx

    1. Awww you are learning to release with the “Love you” very nice and put a huge smile on my face. Love you too!!! I have my friends funeral today and that is just another reminder that my living life telling people how much I love them is so important, I won’t get the chance with her again.

      It really is an eye opener looking at things now and I do love my parents but am really struggling being around them but also want to make the most of the time we have left as they age.


  5. I swear we are on the exact same journey. I also dont remember a lot of my childhood. I’ve got the basic concept of “the stuff” that happened to me and those that were in my life allowing bad stuff to happen to me…but all the details are a blur. Being sober has definitely changes how I look at my family. I’m still struggling with how I want them to be in my life. I also felt really lost and still do but I’ve got a little bit of a plan now. I drank through my 20s and 30s…leaving me with a 20 year block of not doing much at all. I have a hubby…but no kids (couldn’t stop drinking that long)…I often worry about dying alone too. I want to get involved with animal welfare or mental health but at this point in my life…it feels nearly impossible to change my career path. I dont have answers yet BUT I picked up this journal/planner called “daily greatness journal” and it’s really giving me a sense of purpose. It helped me identify areas I want to do stuff in, created shortly and long term goals, and plan the steps to reach them. There are probably other tools like this…but it’s the only one I had ever heard of and it made a huge difference to me.

    1. I swear I’m going to give myself an injury trying to remember something / any thing. We have another similarity with no children so can relate to each other there as well πŸ™‚ Hey I have just hit my 50’s and also feel like it’s a hopeless time to be starting any new career ventures but I also know that I don’t want to stay were I am. Where I am is just slowly killing off my soul and spirit, it has no purpose apart from making someone else a lot of money. I want to be doing things to help make a difference. I have no idea how to do it but I like the sound of your journal / planner. Thank you so much for your comment and support xox

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