Monthly Archives: November 2018

Finally A Way To Silence My Mind – Dancing SOL Dance Experience Style At Home

Okay let me just start by saying that I am a terrible dancer, like really bad BUT I couldn’t give a stuff about that. What I do no one sees nor do they hear me singing as I dance or panting when I get tired or clicking my fingers, clapping or anything else lol. I give myself permission to take time out for myself and I turn on and up some good sounds and for at least an hour I dance around my lounge. I have a “Dance Time” list on my YouTube and just let them play through the TV that’s hooked up to my speakers. It’s good and sometimes I have tracks with the lyrics on as well so my singing actually makes sense 🙂  Aside from the fact that its a great way to increase your steps on your fitbit it feels good to have your body moving as well. Some times I kid myself and tell myself that I am improving but I don’t think so hahahaha but there isn’t anyone to call out bullshit. Seriously one of the best things is that it switches my mind OFF, I have finally found a switch!!!! How can you not lose yourself with tracks like – Sigala, Ella Eyre, Meghan Trainor – Just Got Paid ft. French Montana or Ofenbach vs. Nick Waterhouse – Katchi (Official Video) or Marshmello & Anne-Marie – FRIENDS (Lyric Video) *OFFICIAL FRIENDZONE ANTHEM* oh and for either a warm up or down – Jess Glynne – I’ll Be There (Banx & Ranx Remix), Chaka Khan – Like Sugar (Official Video), Post Malone, Swae Lee – Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse) I think that’s enough to give you the idea and hopefully a chance to have a dance NOW. 

Now this idea of just dancing like this is because a friend runs SOL Dance Experience but sadly I don’t have one in my city so I can’t go along to them but I dance in spirit with them at home. You can dance at home as well but if you are in Auckland in New Zealand or in Birmingham, Alabama in the USA seriously consider going along to one of their evenings (sorry for the ladies only but if you have a group of guys or a group party talk to them they can work something out). The ladies that run these evenings are such lovely people that will make you feel so welcome. Now before you all cringe and think, seriously I can’t go and dance in a room with other people, calm down I’m not suggesting that you go and display your dance moves for everyone to see. The awesome thing with SOL Dance Experience is that the room is in darkness, no one can see you and you can’t see them (don’t worry they have cleverly sorted it out so you won’t boogie your way into each other). Just be careful you don’t wear anything that glows in the dark lol and they have it sorted so the lights off your fitbits won’t show either. But what you will get is some awesome music and you are able to suggest some tracks when you sign up for a session, places are limited and you don’t want to miss reserving your spot. Now you will have an advantage over me in that you will be there in the room with other ladies and the atmosphere and energy that they feed each other is amazing!!! You can’t help be relax and enjoy yourself and be happy while shaken your bootie or what ever other mind blowing moves you want to break out with. Now this is on my lists of favorite things to do now I’m sober, no way would I have been able to do this drunk! Here is the link so you can read more if you are interested and I highly recommend you have a read of their blog section.  

Life and Death

If you were given an envelope with the time and date of your death inside, would you open it?

Sort of makes you think about what you are doing NOW because you really don’t know when your time is up although some sadly have a good idea. I’ve shared with you before that my Auntie is dying of bone marrow cancer and she has a rough idea of the time she has left but not an exact time. Funny when I was talking to her the other day I told her I had ate crumpets for the first time in a very long time. Her reply was “oh they are yummy but I don’t have them very often because they are bad for you”. I sat there thinking to myself shit do I say it or not??? In the end I couldn’t help it, “hey Auntie, how come your still worrying about eating healthy why don’t you just eat what you want when you want now? Have crumpets as much as you want, eat ice cream for breakfast, Pavlova for lunch, pies everyday”. She sat there in silence for a little bit and I thought oh shit I’ve done it now, me and my bloody big gob. Then the silence broke and thank fully it was broken with laughter, she has been living her whole life eating healthy and very physically active and it hadn’t even occurred to her that she really has a free pass now to eat what ever the hell she wants. See she knows that her time is coming soon, she was told that she wouldn’t make it to Christmas but I reckon they under estimated her. But she knows that her time is coming and that there is no point worrying about that extra serving of butter on top. She has basically been handed her envelope but they couldn’t pin point the exact date or time just that what she has now is fast acting and will be swift in it’s attack. 

Now we don’t know when our time is coming so it’s like hmmm do you eat all those yummy things, use all the “best” things you have been saving for a special day (seriously stop doing that, every day is special) do you work hard and save for your retirement or do you work hard and spend it as you go? Would you tell all your friends & family how much they mean to you? I challenge you to do that one anyway. All of these would be so much easier to answer if you had that envelope. Would you be living your life differently because you know that you only have X amount of time left? Would you spend it with the people you are currently with? Would you be doing things that you know are bad for you and just not give a shit? It raises so many questions.

What it also raises is why don’t we make more of every moment? How often do we hear of some person just dropping dead, not coming home from work following an accident etc? It’s so sad and I think we all need to be treasuring what time we have left, if might be another 50 years it might be tonight who knows but I don’t want to be leaving here thinking I wish I had……….

Dear Alcohol

Some of you might find this crazy but I have alcohol in my house and I have for the whole time I’ve been sober. Tonight I pulled it out just to look at it and basically my mind gave it a big FUCK  YOU arsehole. I looked at it and what I see is a bottle that I once would of drank without hesitation. I can remember exactly what it was like, my lower lip would often give a little quiver as I sucked in the first mouth full. Depending on what I was drinking I would either shiver at the sweetness or hold it in my mouth and enjoy the sensation of the burn. Now I look at it and I just think nah I just don’t want you anymore. I am sitting here writing you a letter, it’s crappy but it’s exactly what you deserve – 

Dear Bottle,

I don’t find it hard to write this letter, but I have to tell you the truth.

I never would have expected this day to come. Since I’ve turned sober and we’ve separated from each other my willingness to drink from you has left. 

You made empty promises fueled by my boozy mind of loving one-another  forever no matter what, despite the hangovers, despite you calling to my addiction and my alcoholic mind being convinced we would be together forever I grew tired of numbing my life away. 

I’m writing to tell you that everything that was between us is over. We’re finished, done, fuck off, don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

I cannot stand the thought of numbing anymore. I simply can’t love you anymore, and I have found a better way without you. No more headaches, tummy aches self inflicted by the booze. Sober life for me, FUCK YEAH!!!!

Good bye, my former love. You will never see me again.

Hahaha sorry that really is crappy but sums out how I felt looking at it. Booze, Alcohol, Liquor you don’t even excite me anymore when I hold you in my hand. You repulse me and make me feel ill just at the thought. I FUCKEN HATE YOU.  I thought that you were helping me, but you weren’t you were just adding to the problem, we are over rover.

Emotional Roller Coaster

EDIT & UPDATE – Oh shit before I allow my inner drama queen to bath in sympathy & love from you all I need to point out that my SS is coming back. And it will be next year thank goodness. It is the lifestyle they lead, I’m just sad that she is going and upset that we won’t be seeing each other. This is the danger of trying not to make posts to long and not telling the full story. My main point was that in the end I found the positive (still hurt but found it) and wish my brain would skip all the other parts and find it in the bloody beginning.

Far out I can be a pain in the arse for my poor friends. Here is an example of what I do so you understand. With this one I went from upset, grumpy, sad, crying, sulking and now I am coming out the other end and feeling grateful. I have to be careful with my depression and over active mind because far out I can blow shit well out of proportion. 

I have an amazing friend and we have only developed the friendship into a Soul Sister type relationship this year. Now I have always know that she spends only part of her year in New Zealand and often goes back to her home country or other places in the world. I knew the time was coming that she would be leaving soon and found out that it would be in around 3 weeks time. I fucken knew it was coming and yet still I got all upset and cry baby, I am a freakin adult but seriously my emotions can be exhausting. I was overwhelmed with sadness and don’t want her to go. I wanted to see her before she goes (we don’t live in the same city) but she has so much that she needs to sort and prepare before she leaves that it just won’t be possible. I feel like I am already missing her which is totally stupid because we are in contact each day and will still be able to do this while she is gone. It just breaks my heart that she won’t be here and I know it’s dumb, I know I’m being stupid but it’s made me very sad. 

I have this really bad habit of doing this, something upsets me – sad – mad – sulk  – (poor people around me while I am working through this) but eventually I find my way back to being grateful. If it wasn’t for her lifestyle we would never of meet and for that I am incredibly grateful and now my mind can accept that it’s not a bad thing because without it I would never of meet this incredible person. So blessed, so, so freakin blessed.

Struggling with pain and emotions

I am having a full on blah period at the moment but I am still grateful that I am working through it sober. Previously I would of got myself drunk in an attempt to numb it out but then would of had to also go through the period of oh poor little me until I would reach the point that I would be able to pass out and just not think at all. Now I can be sad and not complicate it further by drinking and feeling like crap on top of feeling sad. 

Years ago before I even started drinking I was out with a friend and we were minding our own business crossing a pedestrian crossing. It was a double lane crossing on both sides and in the lane the closest to us the car stopped to let us go. Not wanting to hold that car up we started to run, at the same time another vehicle came up the inner lane and I ran out in front of it and was hit. The driver of this second vehicle was speeding and wasn’t slowing down for the crossing. Behind the wheel of that vehicle was a drunk driver. Pretty fucken ironic now when I think about it, can Karma hit before you do things???? I flew up in the air and spun a few summersaults in the air and landed in the center of the intersection. Next up was a free trip in the ambulance to the nearest medical center. I was so lucky because I came out with a few grazes and cuts along with bruising but nothing to major. Back in those days they didn’t get to carried away with tests etc and I was sent home. It was not until later that I started to suffer from back pain and the two were linked, such a pity because it was never put down on the original treatment charts I have never been able to get assistance for any treatments.

I started having regular appointments with a chiropractor and this would fix the problem. Eventually I found an elderly maori gentleman that treated me in old school techniques. With gentle massage and movement along with a little push here and there he kept my back and neck in shape. Two years ago he passed away and I have not bothered to find anyone since because there is no one around with his skills. Slowly my back and neck have declined and for the last month I have had a headache to go with them. I had a bad weekend and my anxiety along with my own stress went crazy and I thought that had magnified the pain. By the Thursday I was in so much pain I had to find a chiropractor and get help. Because I have left all this so long my spine was actually swollen, the nerves between the vertebra were being squashed and the shoulder muscles were having spasms to the point one of them was locked in a bloody spasm. Holy shit if you have a muscle lock and someone works on it and tells you this is going to hurt for a bit believe them!!!! It felt like a hot poker being jabbed into position BUT as the muscle slowly released the feeling was amazing. Now I have to go for treatment 2-3 times a week for a while then slowly reducing the frequency as it gets better. It is getting better thank God but every so often it grabs and it makes me feel nausea and by the end of the day it is pretty sore.

Now all of the above was to explain that I don’t know if it’s because of the pain or just because but I am going through a really blue period at the moment. I feel sad, and I feel needy, the sort of needy were you just want the right person to give you a big hug and say it’s alright, your gonna be okay. I cry without warning, I feel lonely but when I have a visitor I just want them to go away (maybe they are not the person I want around) I keep trying to focus on things to be grateful for but my mind slips back into the negative. I just have to keep trying and need to find the positives because I know that they are all around me. Now if I was drinking there would really be shit show of me finding them. Oh there is one I am grateful that I am sober and staying that way 🙂 

A True Friend

“That’s when I realized what a true friend was.

Someone who would always love you –               

the imperfect you                             

the confused you,                             

the wrong you –                                 

because that is what                       

people are suppose to do.               

Author Unknown

Self Esteem

I am my own worst self critic I can pick myself to pieces in so many ways feeling that I am never good enough and why would anyone want to be friends with this or hang out with this. It is such a shitty way to think and I’ve been kicking my own arse for it. By doing this I give little or no credit to my friends thinking this way. For them to be this way they would have to be arseholes and a bunch of shallow Hal’s which they aren’t. My tribe are some of the most incredible people you’ll ever meet. Frankly if people do think like that I really hope they do not want to be friends with me because I really wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. 

If I think about my closest friends, my tribe, I realize that I have actually formed friendships here with them online before ever actually meeting them in person and some I still haven’t meet in person. I have fallen in love with their personalities, their spirits, life stories, ability to make me laugh, kind hearts, love of animals hmmm what else the fact they make me feel seen, loved and valued I’m sure there is more but you will be getting the picture. I didn’t know what they looked like at first and I didn’t really care. 

I am just like everyone else and can certainly admire a beautiful looking person, oh hell yes BUT if they don’t have the personality I’m seriously not interested. I don’t want to spend time hanging out with my friends because of how they look I want to spend time with my friends because of how we make each other feel and that comes under loved, supported, good times and bad, laughing (even if it’s not always appropriate) and valued. 

Think about it how many times do you put yourself down for things that you don’t even notice in others because it really doesn’t matter? I don’t look at my friends and think fat, white, short, ugly I look at my friends and just see a person that has a place in my heart. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? 

Finding the right counselor /therapist

Seriously how do you find the right counselor / therapist?? I have no idea how to do this, I just basically went through and search the area that I lived and picked the one that I thought might be okay and with what they specialize in. None of them had everything I was looking for and the one I picked I’m really not sure about anymore. Not only does she do counselling and life coaching but she is also a director or something at some company that makes vitamins / health products blah blah that is part of the healthy living plan. I have Googled the products and the reviews aren’t great from what I can see. I worry she’s going to try to push this stuff on to me. Also she is Asian and please before you start I am not racist I watched a couple of small Youtube clips with her in it and I did struggle to follow what she was saying without listening to it a second time. She does speak English but hmm with words missing that we would use to make a full sentence if that makes sense. I am sure she is a lovely person but I don’t want to be unsure on what she tells me because I don’t understand and nor do I want to waste the time I’m paying for having to ask her to explain again. 

I’m scared of pushing forward and doing this but I know that I have to but far out how are you suppose to know what to do here. I’m tired and am having trouble drumming up the energy to do this. Yes a part of me is screaming fuck it, don’t do it then. You can deal with this, you have already for this long. The other part of my mind is saying hey you need inner peace. Also I scared the shit out of myself the other day when I hurt a friend and then realized that it was my way of starting to push her away. I have to stop this habit and whether I can do it myself or whether I need help and to learn how to be a better friend I don’t know. I just know that I have people in my life now that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to deal with shit like this in order to make sure I don’t lose them.

I am glad that I am no longer the not functioningguzzler because if I was I would of just had another drink and not progressed this far and would of pushed the friends away OR not let them in at all and that would of been bloody sad. Living life sober, raw and real with people that love me and are worth fighting this for.

Where is my purpose???

I’d have to say 9 months into being sober that I am just cruising because that is all that is required to do my job. I have worked my way up the management ranks as far as I am interested in going and now I can do my work in a couple of hours if I don’t stuff around. I am not challenged and frankly not interested in it anymore. The money is okay, not great but okay on a comparison level around the city. But I am not a person that is driven just by money (hey I do need it to pay my debt and I need it to support myself) I also need to feed my soul and I want to feel like I am helping to make a difference in some way. I don’t feel that in my job at all, I make a difference in the lives of the team but I can do that anywhere.

When I was drinking every night I was happy to go to my work because frankly in my cloudy state of mind it was perfect. Have a shitty morning and it didn’t matter as I could still do my job and no one knew that I wasn’t on my A game because I can do it with my eyes closed. I’m pretty smart when I want to be, slow learner with some things but once it’s in it’s in there for good. I could work a full day then go home and drink for the evening until I would sleep in a drunken slumber and get up the next morning and push repeat, talk about ground hog day.

Now I hate my job, I feel like every day I go in there I am slowly dying. I am feeling trapped at the moment I can’t just up and off because of my debt so I need the income. I have been staying here because of my aging family and wanting to look out for them but with my job and my feelings towards my family I am trying to figure out if staying here is such a great move after all. So much has changed in my work and personal life now and I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do but it can’t be staying as it is.

I never felt like this while I was drinking but I know now that it was because when drinking I wasn’t just numbing out the pain I was numbing out life. To realize facts like that saddens me that I have wasted 20 years without reaching my full potential and just doing what it takes to get by until the next drink to keep myself living numb. Living sober isn’t easy but living numb as a drunk is pathetic.

Disappointed Myself

I thought I was processing things well and moving on from bad habits and starting to make big progress but then I go and disappoint myself. I am trying to live a life were I am trying to be honest and open to people I love and want to trust. But last week I think an old shitty coping mechanism raised it’s ugly head. 

I have a beautiful friend who makes me feel like I have won Lotto every single day just by having her in my life. She is so smart, patient and gentle with me and I have opened myself up to her like nobody else. I keep riding the emotional roller coaster with my emotions and self worth and I started to question why would this beautiful person seriously waste her precious time helping to deal with my shit. During an exchange of emails I asked “what are you here for” and I can now see that this can be taken 1000 different ways and she felt it was sent either with anger or frustration and couldn’t understand what she had done to make me angry. Now I was frustrated and angry at the time but it was more with myself than anything else.

OMGod I am so lucky with this Soul Sister because we were able to talk it out and get it sorted. I never ever want to hurt her EVER but what I realize now that I was doing is something I have done for years. I will let someone into my life so far and then I will pull the plug on it and push them away. I feel terrible that my anger and frustration was actually me being scared, afraid and panicking because of all the emotions and memories I am finally bringing out. I have been beating myself up and probably will for a while that I tried to push away something so beautiful. 

It really is proof once again that she is as amazing as I know she is. She has basically given me a free pass and total understanding for what I have done. I am so ashamed that I did that because I am a protector of those I love and yet in this instant I actually hurt someone I love to pieces. This people is exactly the reason WHY it is so important that I find a good counselor, I HAVE to do it as I can not ever, ever lose my Soul Sister or anyone else from my small Tribe because I am scared and the instinct to shut down is fighting to win. Just like my sober battle your not gonna win this time you little bitch, I’m calling ENOUGH on both of you.