I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately about a LOT of things and one I have come to a conclusion about and am moving on from is being pissed that my doctor had put on my file that I am an alcoholic. I got all worked up about it for a couple of weeks but now I am a lot calmer about it. After thinking and researching AND having a beautiful friend message me about it I have come to a conclusion. Guess what I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and my doctor is right by putting it on my file as it could still lead to numerous problems later down the track. Shit I abused my body so badly with alcohol for over 30 years I’m surprised some of it still functions.
It was like a slap in the face seeing it in my file but my reaction is pretty much an outburst of my own anger and self disappointment. It’s one thing for me to tell people that I am an alcoholic when in the back of my head I am thinking well really I have a faulty off switch and that I am a binge drinker which is bullshit I am an alcoholic and the more I research the more I can see it. At first I was worried that future employees might see Alcoholic on my file, then I was worried about it being brought up if I end up in hospital to my parents etc all just fears in my head. My mind can make up a thousand different things if I let it go on an uncontrolled wandering session.
Here is what my beautiful friend sent to me and I think it might help some of you to hear these words from someone who doesn’t have an addiction. I did get her permission before including this in here –
“Okay, so the thoughts that I have about your feeling of the label of “alcoholic”. Because I grew up with it in my house, my father opening a center – counseling addicts … it wasn’t a “bad word” in our house.
It was almost a fact of life … and to me, if a person could call themselves alcoholic, that meant they were owning a part of them that they had become aware of, accepted, and were fighting like hell to get control over.
I am not commenting on how you feel…
You feel how you feel … and, of course, have EVERY RIGHT to…
I’m just trying to tell, perhaps show you that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing…
Does that make any sense?
If you are an alcoholic … and you are sober … it is a BADGE OF HONOR.
You are conquering that son of a bitch every day … and that is inspiring and admirable.“
Okay lets break this down, an alcoholic was and always has been a dirty word in my family, culture and work place. So naturally I feel that it is something I should be ashamed of and hide like a dirty secret. It is so nice to have someone that I not only love but totally respect have the opinion that it is not a bad word and to take the time to message me with this. The more I researched the more I realised I was a fucken alcoholic not just a faulty switch, binge drinker (every night) and I am now aware of, accepted, and am fighting like hell to get control over.
On the 4th of November I will be 9 months sober without any slip ups and I’ll take that badge of honor and I am going to keep on conquering that son of a bitch every single fucken day. I was about to write for as long as I can but you know what that is giving myself an escape route and no I won’t do that, no free passes I’m done.
My name is “functioningguzzler” (not anymore) and I am an alcoholic and guess what I’m not ashamed to have that title as it is a part of what has been my journey so far. I will not feed the stigma attached to the title because I am not the negative things it brings up when you search. I am a person that had some horrible things happen to her which made me numb away in excess of 30 years. I honestly don’t know if I was an alcoholic before with the hereditary gene or what ever it is that makes you an alcoholic so even if those shitty things hadn’t happened I might still of been an alcoholic I guess I will never know.
P.S. Just so you know I am still PISSED and will be talking to my doctor about her adding it to my file without discussing it with me. I may or may not discuss how dear she see fit to brand me an alcoholic and not arrange the help I asked for.
I put up a post earlier and some of you saw it and commented but I’ve since deleted the post because as much as I realised I wanted to put it out there parts could of been read by people I know that could start joining the dots. The reason I don’t put on here who I am is nothing to do with protecting myself because I personally couldn’t give a rats arse anymore as I’m not ashamed of my journey BUT because I still have people that I love that would be so hurt if they read my journey. I will make this a much more basic post without so much detail.
Hmmm while visiting my Auntie I had to go to my old home town and that was fucken hard. The feelings, memories and emotions that it brought up has made me physically ill and made last night a tortured hell rather than a pleasant nights sleep. This town is full of demons for me and as much as you can run from them and deal with them you can’t erase them. After much processing over the last 24 hours I have come to the conclusion that they are a part of me but I am also proud that I have come so far but there is a long way to go and I’m getting stronger each day. Days like yesterday do feel like steps backwards but I didn’t jump back into the bottle I faced it fucken head on. The past IS NOT going to drag me back into that shit fueled alcohol haze again, it’s had it’s turn and it’s not getting another.
I have touched on previously how while growing up I used to play around deceased people and that they really don’t upset me at all, oh actually I should add here it was always adults so people older than myself. I never played around or sighted dead children or babies and I think I would of found that distressing so I’m glad I was protected from that. Dead people don’t scare me but the living do. Dying doesn’t scare me (I have died once on the operating table and been brought back, thank you to a wonderful medical team) but there is something I hadn’t thought of until today. Watching a person you love slowly die and having to witness their suffering, that scares the crap out of me. I can’t stand seeing one of my family or friends suffering in anyway whether it be physical pain or mental with sadness or distress. I always have to work towards helping them and try to either ease or stop their suffering if I can.
Today seeing my Auntie, who has bone marrow cancer, I can see the cruelness of this type of cancer. It started in her spine which is becoming a mess as it is starting to fracture as it weakens. Your marrow is what makes your blood cells and now her blood cells carry the cancer through her body. At the moment her pain managed by some pretty heavy pain killers so thank God for that but if she misses a dose she is in incredible pain. As the fractures increase and tumors grow naturally the pain is going to increase. Now my Auntie is an incredible lady in her life she has had hydatids as a child, breast cancer which ended in a double mastectomy, cervical cancer and each time through chemotherapy she has fought and won. This time she started the chemotherapy but it was making her so unwell a family meeting was called and after she talked to all of us about it her decision was to stop the chemo. Her cancer this time around is so aggressive and the chemo was stealing any quality of life she had so the decision was to stop and enjoy what time she had left. Oh I should mention here that she is either near or in her 80’s so not a spring chicken. Oh my goodness she is a freakin warrior, she has fought so hard and come back from some incredible illnesses but this time I think all the medicines, chemicals and just what her body has been put through cancers grip was to strong and to fast.
We are not sure how much longer she will be with us and tears did come to her eyes as we discussed Christmas and that her son and daughter in law are coming home from America to spend it with her. The tears came as she said I wonder if I’m going to make it to then. I do hope that she does but if her suffering is getting to bad then I hope she doesn’t and gets taken quickly, her family will come home earlier if there is fears that time is running out.
I am scared of watching a person I love suffer and to not be able to stop or ease it.
This week has been one of those weeks that I am so freakin glad that the working week has ended. My mood has been shit and I have been sad and pissy for most of it. Before anyone starts shitting Rainbows on my post about be positive and positive will happen, practice gratitude and you will be happy etc, etc just don’t, just let me have this moment so I can explain this downward spiral which is in danger or slipping into depression if I’m not careful BUT as much as I want to numb it out I’m not going to I am not going to let one stupid week destroy me when I am knocking on the door of 9 months.
I am pissed off with my doctor and I hurt over the whole “Alcoholic” on my medical file.
I am pissed off with people that think the world fucken rotates around them and they message me to say that they can’t do roles they have volunteered on the same evening they are due to do it. I started as a volunteer as well but ended up in the manager role so when team members decide they can’t be arsed or bail at the last moment I feel so trapped as I don’t feel that I can let people down so I have to do it.
I am sad because tomorrow I am going with my Mum to visit my Aunty who has cancer, she is only expected to last a few more months and has already asked me to be one of the pallbearer at her funeral 😥 I haven’t been able to go and see her since she called it quits on her chemo as I have been unwell myself so have not been allowed anywhere near her. Tomorrow is going to be hard as it’s a few months since I last got to see her and I know she has declined a lot.
I’m also sad (and this is probably what started this whole shitty mood) because I went to visit my Mum last weekend and found that I couldn’t even look her in the eye for long. As I have been unpacking my emotional baggage on here and going through the emotions sober and feeling every moment, as much as I love my family it has resurfaced a lot of pain that is built around them.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck – sorry not sorry I had to let that out.
I am happy with how I am doing with not drinking for almost 9 months now and I have started to make plans for things to do if I have things that make me really want to drink. Part of this thinking made me think what would be my worse triggers and how will I cope with them when they happen. Unless I die first my biggest fears are either my pets or my parents dying. I really don’t know how I am going to cope when these times come. My parents are both very close to their 80’s now and one dog is 11 years old with the other coming up 6 years old.
Death does not frighten me in itself, I have been dead once already and brought back by some fine surgeons can’t remember if I’ve talked about that here but I wasn’t scared when it happened. As a kid my best friends Nana owned the local funeral parlour, now please God don’t strike me down for it but we used to play around the dead bodies. Hopefully that doesn’t upset anyone but it was really quite natural to us and as kids we would run around and play and laugh. I always remember her Nana telling us that it was good for the deceased to have us around because they still deserved to have life and happy people with laughter around them as well. I think these two things have given me my own quite personal feelings on death and I’m quite relaxed about it.
Losing my parents or my dogs is what scares the shit out of me. I know that it’s a fact of life but I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I would say that their passing will be my greatest test and am struggling to come up with a way to cope when it does.
Stigma Definition – a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. – example – “the stigma of having gone to prison will always be with me”
A fellow blogger recommended that I Google “Alcoholics are” and just see what happens, this is after my doctor has added to my medical records that I am an Alcoholic without any consultation or letting me know. I am disgusted by what I found.
1. Selfish – (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
2. Liars – a person who tells lies.
3. Kyon minya dialogues – (Ummm ???? I think this is something to do with a movie)
4. Mean – Lacking in kindness; unkind
5. The worst – of the poorest quality or the lowest standard; least good or desirable.
6. Often binge drinkers – Binge drinking, or heavy episodic drinking, is a modern epithet for drinking alcoholic beverages
7. Skinny – FUCK I WISH
8. Annoying – causing irritation or annoyance
9. Disgusting – arousing revulsion or strong indignation.
Wow just wow, how bad is this???? Why these all come up when you put Alcoholics Are in I have no idea. Seriously you don’t need to be an alcoholic to be any or all of the above. And even if you are an alcoholic is certainly does not mean that you are any or all of the above.
I can honestly say that I am blessed in so many ways and there is something that I am finding that I am really enjoying which I don’t believe I would of found had I not of started my sober journey. I have made some friends and I have made three freakin amazing friends that I feel such a strong connection to and now consider them my soul sisters / my tribe. I think that now I am living life sober I do struggle with the not numbing out the bad and it really is hard work to deal with it all, it’s raw and it’s painful. I guess the best (but grossest way to describe it is) like picking the scab off a sore so that it bleeds and you can watch the blood rise up and then eventually flow over. Anyways getting side tracked here a bit.
THE GOOD SIDE TO NOT NUMBING EVERYTHING IS THAT YOU NOT ONLY FEEL THE BAD BUT YOU FEEL THE GOOD AND SOME OF IT IS CRAZY GOOD!!!
These friends are people that I love and admire for their amazing pure good hearts. I love how they make me think and how they are not afraid to question me on things. I would say that these friendships are intense but as in good intense. Might be my age but I am tired of shallow friendships and I am not interested in quantity but quality within them. I have been totally honest and open with them and they are welcome to ask any questions they might have and know that I will answer unless I am uncomfortable and then they understand and do not pressure me any further and tell me that if and when I want to discuss it they are there. I also feel that I am able to ask them anything and the same goes with if they don’t want to discuss it that’s not a problem. I like that people actually care enough to want to know more and that they are genuinely interested because they care. I know that I wouldn’t of had these relationships and certainly not to the amazing depth that they are had I still been drinking and numbing myself out of life. This side of being sober rocks my world!!!
If your going through a hard time and struggling with having to feel everything I know how you feel but I am realizing now that feeling the crap and pain is so worth it to be able to let the good and receive the love and support that I have found.
Well I guess that makes it official then, I asked for copies of my medical records and in the file I find that my doctor has listed me as an alcoholic. Don’t really know why that shocked me so much to see that on my fact sheet along with allergies etc. But it really has fucked me off and here is why. I have discussed my drinking with my doctor asking for help and her reply has been “oh your not that bad are you, if you really want it come back and see me and I’ll see what I can do”. Now I don’t know if any of you have ever asked your doctor (or any other medical professional for that matter) for help with something you are embarrassed and ashamed of yourself for but I can tell you that for me it was a fucken big deal. With a brush off comment like that you just instantly shut back down and I probably muttered something like nah I’ll be right I just won’t drink or will cut down and left. But for me to see that she actually thought it was bad enough to actually add it to my file but to not help has really fucked me off.
In a visit since while checking in at reception the nurse actually asked me (with others able to hear in the waiting room) so how much do you drink each night now? Of cause I lied and said or just one or two but who the hell wouldn’t with everyone listening. I was really a taken back and thought maybe it was alcohol awareness week or some stupid thing and they were asking everyone. Guess now I was a bit gullible there in my thinking now it’s so obvious in my records.
I’m also pissed with the fact that “Alcoholic” will forever be on my medical records no matter where I go. It’s my own stupid fault and it is true but it feels like I have been branded for good now.
Hmm I don’t think so, time has given me the maturity and wisdom to move on and find ways to cope with things that have happened to me. I don’t think you ever totally heal I think there will always be a scar there. I don’t mean that in a bad way but more in a I have scars and the way I look at them now is different. I am proud of them because I survived and I am not letting them define who I am as a person. Too totally heal to me would mean to be totally erase everything and have no scars but they are there and I just can’t do that. I have needed to remember, deal and process as part of the process of healing the wounds but the scars will remain. You can’t fix or take away what has happened to me but I can choose how I deal with it and without it I would not be the person that I am today. If I could change things so that they never happened to me oh hell yes I would but I can’t and they have already happened. But what I do have control of now is in how I deal with them and what power I give them. When I say I would not be the person I am today had things not happened to me I do not mean that it was great because now I am this I mean that because of what happened to me I have coping mechanisms and skills along with compassion and empathy at incredible levels that I would not of had if the shit hadn’t happened. This is a positive and I am going to be sliding those bits back into a suitcase. Hmm gonna name these suitcases one day so you know just what I have repacked 🙂
When I was raped the first time I was a child, nothing more, nothing less just a child. It was by a family member that should of been my protector and I had idolized him and had him up on a pedestal. Not only was I raped that day but my world was changed forever. My hero, my protector, my smarter brother was all lost in an instant and I was left trying to figure out what did I do wrong. He was so fucked up on drugs that I still don’t know to this day if he remembers what he did. Anyway this post isn’t about him this time it’s about me. I am sure I will still have things to say on the matter over time as I purge things from my system but this one is about me. My world was shattered and I was left confused about what happened and also in full wonder of what had I done wrong to have the happen. I lost my best friend that day, my protector, my confident, my innocence, my trust, my confidence, my happiness actually you stole what was left of my childhood. As an adult we have the power and mental capacity to rise above and pull ourselves up but as a child it takes a while to reach the maturity level required to do this.
Because you were so fucked up with drugs the whole family suffered, Mum and you were always so close and bonded that the whole focus went on you. When the courts gave you the option of going away to drug rehab or prison our family was so broken. My childhood was fucked from that day on. Everything revolved around you, our parents focused on you and they did not notice that I was broken. I have kept my word and I have never told anyone what you did BUT I didn’t keep it for you I kept it for me and I kept it so I didn’t increase the reach of the hurt it would cause. It would totally destroy Mum & Dad to hear what you did, actually I think it would but I am not sure even as I type this. Hmmm would they even believe me, I’m not sure, I have absolutely no proof and you have always been the golden son. Okay let me rephrase that, I THINK they would be totally broken that you did what you did. I THINK they would be totally broken that they were so absent that they didn’t protect me and this was the outcome. Either way it would cause so much shit within the family it would simply not be worth the aftermath.
I can feel myself getting upset now so am stopping here for a bit but I do want to say I am no longer that child. Hey thanks to you I am who I am today!!! I have had issues and I have drunk myself numb for years but no more. Guess what though I am not coming out of the haze to be fucken sad because of what you did. I tired of that shit and will not let things like this haunt me. I’m healing now and I’m making amazing progress, I have so many things to be grateful for and so many blessings to count. I’m working this shit out and this is one suitcase that I’ve opened and I am not going to pack it up again when I am done, not how it was when I opened it that’s for sure. If I repack it I will be packing the parts that I am willing to take with me from now.