Tired and sick

I have been tired and sick for a while now and yesterday I just put on some good music and went for a walk. I ended up at a park that is in our suburb and walked through the bush, I was also looking for a little dog that had gone missing from nearby so covered some dense bush and steep hills looking. when I came back out of the bush I realized how tired I was and just how little energy I had left. Shit I still had about 3 kilometers to walk home so I thought I would just sit for a while. This place is also used for pony club and for horse jumping etc so there are these awesome logs they have set up into jumps and I just climbed up on one of these and just meditated. Before I fully realized what was happening I was sitting there in tears. I am tired, tired of being sick, tired of the doctors working and testing different things trying to figure out what is going on, tired of pushing myself to last the week at work, tired of my busy mind, tired of my volunteer work, tired of looking after others, tired, tired, tired so mother fucking tired!!!

I managed to zone right out for a while and just let myself give in to the crying. You know that silent cry were the tears just fell. I think I was releasing how blah I was feeling from being sick and also from things I had released on here. It feels good to of released some stuff and I really am ready for some of it to be put to rest. For Missy and Jane I am really sorry how things ended there. BUT I refuse to carry the guilt for this on my own, I feel bad that their lives ended up on the shit heap like my own. I know now that my brother and my ex both raped me and NEITHER was my fault. I have carried guilt that maybe some of it was my fault in some twisted way. I sat up there and I cried and released.

The part I have to deal with about my brother is the fact we have never talked about it and as far as everyone (especially my parents) know we are all one loving happy family. I have no desire to tell anyone about this part of my life least of all my family. My parents would either pick a side / be totally heart broken and would be so full of guilt. There is nothing to be achieved by bringing it up now so it is going to be inside me. The hardest part is pretending nothing happened and being the happy daughter / sister. My parents are both knocking on their 80’s and I treasure what time we have left together. I am staying in the city that I am because of them and their age so I can enjoy time together and keep an eye on them being here for them as they age. I don’t know if I will stay in this city once they pass though. My brother lives here now as well and if there was just us left I really don’t know if I would want to stay.

Anyway I’m still super tired but a part of me is screaming a big FUCK YOU to that part of my history.

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8 thoughts on “Tired and sick

  1. I wish I could express just how much I feel for you. Mine is a different story, but there are elements that rang true to me. I hope you have someone you can confide in, as talking about it does help in the healing process. Do you have a Rape Crisis centre or some kind of women’s aid where you can get help. None of this is your fault and you need to have that validated. X

    1. Thank you 😊 I went to one of those places once. It was okay but I felt like I was just another text book case, which sadly I probably am. I didn’t feel any better afterwards and I honestly don’t know now if I would bother again. I guess it’s the sort of things that work for some and not others. Bit like AA really it’s some people’s solution but not everyone’s. I do thank you so much for your comment though and for taking the time to try to help me. I appreciate it and love that you have. I am so sorry to hear that some of it resonates with you though. Sending you a big hug 🤗

      1. I totally get that! I remember going to a counsellor once who listened to me with a kind of half smile on her face, as if she was enjoying what I was telling her. It put me off counselling for years. Finally though, I could no longer shoulder the shit and I found a brilliant counsellor. That doesn’t mean that I ‘got over’ anything. It’s taken years. I’ve never had an addiction to alcohol, but I’ve had my share of other shit. I finally think I’m free of it all. So it does resonate with me and I know you’ll find your own way. Just have that belief in yourself. You’re worth so much more than those men made you feel you were, you just need to realise that.

  2. I can’t imagine what that situation must be like for you. What jumps out at me is that you are keeping things inside to protect others, and that bit I do get – I haven’t dropped the A-bomb on my parents because it’d hurt them, being of a generation and in a small town where alcoholism is something dirty and pathetic that happens to “a certain type of people”. This is obviously a lot more extreme. Yes, I can absolutely see how it’d break your parents’ hearts but it also means the people who did this to you never have to face up to it. It might be “nicer” for your elderly parents to believe all was well with you and your brother but that’s not the truth or reality. Oh God, I don’t have anything useful to offer here, much less be the person – you – who has to decide how to deal with it. As always though, I’m here for you and I’ll go freaking viking and drink coffee from the goddamn skull of anyone who hurts you now. xxxx

    1. Hahaha I love my freaking viking, coffee drinking friend. I too am originally from a small town and my parents are pretty old school. I just can not justify the hurt that they would go through and if I am honest there is a true fear over which side they would choose. My parents deserve to live out the rest of their lives happy. I feel that I am making huge steps just in my thinking and feeling about it all AND by no longer self medicating and numbing everything. To be raped once you can think shit was any of that my fault but to be raped more than once you think what am I DOING to make this happen. With my ex there was no point fighting as he would just over power me every time. I can hear you thinking why didn’t you call the police but remember he was playing the cruelest mental games and he knew about my past and used this in his games.I had also started drinking heavily by then and thought who the fact is going to believe you, you drunken fool. AND it didn’t help that he was friends with the local police officers. So many reasons for why I didn’t, couldn’t.

      I haven’t dropped the A-bomb with my family either lol in fact there are only a few people that I have, one being my boss and the others being good friends to everyone else I am just taking a break from drinking and my normal wording is “I have done enough drinking for this life time”.

      Thank you my freaking awesome viking xox

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