I have been tired and sick for a while now and yesterday I just put on some good music and went for a walk. I ended up at a park that is in our suburb and walked through the bush, I was also looking for a little dog that had gone missing from nearby so covered some dense bush and steep hills looking. when I came back out of the bush I realized how tired I was and just how little energy I had left. Shit I still had about 3 kilometers to walk home so I thought I would just sit for a while. This place is also used for pony club and for horse jumping etc so there are these awesome logs they have set up into jumps and I just climbed up on one of these and just meditated. Before I fully realized what was happening I was sitting there in tears. I am tired, tired of being sick, tired of the doctors working and testing different things trying to figure out what is going on, tired of pushing myself to last the week at work, tired of my busy mind, tired of my volunteer work, tired of looking after others, tired, tired, tired so mother fucking tired!!!
I managed to zone right out for a while and just let myself give in to the crying. You know that silent cry were the tears just fell. I think I was releasing how blah I was feeling from being sick and also from things I had released on here. It feels good to of released some stuff and I really am ready for some of it to be put to rest. For Missy and Jane I am really sorry how things ended there. BUT I refuse to carry the guilt for this on my own, I feel bad that their lives ended up on the shit heap like my own. I know now that my brother and my ex both raped me and NEITHER was my fault. I have carried guilt that maybe some of it was my fault in some twisted way. I sat up there and I cried and released.
The part I have to deal with about my brother is the fact we have never talked about it and as far as everyone (especially my parents) know we are all one loving happy family. I have no desire to tell anyone about this part of my life least of all my family. My parents would either pick a side / be totally heart broken and would be so full of guilt. There is nothing to be achieved by bringing it up now so it is going to be inside me. The hardest part is pretending nothing happened and being the happy daughter / sister. My parents are both knocking on their 80’s and I treasure what time we have left together. I am staying in the city that I am because of them and their age so I can enjoy time together and keep an eye on them being here for them as they age. I don’t know if I will stay in this city once they pass though. My brother lives here now as well and if there was just us left I really don’t know if I would want to stay.
Anyway I’m still super tired but a part of me is screaming a big FUCK YOU to that part of my history.