I honestly don’t know if I miss drinking anymore, the longer I go without the more I think did I really enjoy the taste anyway, fucked if I know to be honest. Beer used to be my favorite but thinking about it now I might get the same flavor off sucking a bottle top. Then came vodka and it wasn’t so much the vodka taste that I liked but rather the burning feel of the first hit and then the warmth as it surged through me. Even when you reach the last drop of the vodka bottle at the end of the night come early morning you can still get that pleasant burning sensation. Also in the mix was cider and now I think yeah it was nice like a crisp green apple but once I got to bottle 6 or 8 in a night it was probably (and I say probably on purpose, cause my senses would of been off by then) was getting so sickly sweet that I doubt I would of been enjoying it by then. What I am trying to say is that I don’t miss the drinking.
I do how ever miss some of the effects of my drinking. I miss the way it would turn off and calm my mind from over thinking. I miss how it could numb away the pain. I miss how being drunk or cloudy the next day until it was time to crack open another. I have more and more memories and thoughts coming to the surface and some times just carrying on like normal is bloody hard work. I have more memories of my childhood but there is a large portion that I just can’t remember. I looked on Google maps today for something unrelated and there was a street from our families past that we lived on. I thought I remembered which house we lived in but as I went looking at them all I realized I have no fucken recollection of which one it was.
I remember more of what happened between my brother and I and with him and my parents still around I am finding myself avoiding being around them at the moment. There is absolutely no point in bringing up the past with them all because all it would do is burden them with the hurt and pain. It sucks that I can’t numb all this away but I’m also sure that I am meant to be working on these things so that I can move on. I know you can’t change the past by going over it again and people say don’t look in the mirror cause your not going that way, fuck if only it was that easy. I think the best way to explain what I am feeling about my thoughts at the moment is that I need to unpack each suitcase. Now parts of the suitcase I need to process and then hopefully I can stop carrying that burden any longer. Some parts I might want to keep and they might get refolded and placed lovingly back in the suitcase. While I am doing this unpacking I am pulling out and airing some of it and that is refreshing. I can see the light but I still have a long road to walk.