Monthly Archives: September 2018

Find a way to release if you can.

One thing that having this blog has shown me is that my mind works better if I release on here some of the issues I have been internalizing for far to long. It has been very empowering to just put it down on here. But what has also helped me along the way is the fantastic people on here that take the time to “like” or comment. Whether it be words of encouragement, advice, sharing of knowledge or even telling their own experiences it all helps. Often I share things on here that I think is either a bad trait or something I am ashamed of. It is so comforting to find out that others have the same emotions or are able to give me a different perspective on things and I am often able to look at it from their view and think wow.

My advice for anyone wanting to go sober, have given up drinking, suffers anxiety, depression actually are just struggling in life please find an outlet. Here is great you don’t have to give away who you are but my suggestion is keep it real and honest otherwise you are doing nothing to help free yourself. If you want support on here start finding similar subjects for what you are trying to work through and start by just liking a post, well if you like it or if it helped you in anyway. If you feel inclined drop a comment try interacting you will soon build like friends.

 

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Happy Birthday to Me

Well not yet, not tonight anyway but tomorrow, yeah tomorrow I turn 50. It really is just another day but a part of me can’t help but reflect and thank God / my higher power whatever that I have made it this far. There have been numerous times when suicide seemed to be the best option when depression was so bad that it wasn’t that I was just sad but I was so freakin exhausted I just wanted to make it all stop. I didn’t have the fucken energy to get back up one more time. What is the saying get “Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight” well I have had to get back up more than that and I tell you what for anyone going through it I take my hat off to them. I want to reach out shake their hand, pull them by that hand in for a hug and tell them I am so fucken proud of you. They are not weak people but incredibly strong. For me with the forgotten childhood, rapes, abuse, killing of my dog and alcoholism trust me I can relate to so many people. I could be totally twisted and bitter person but I’m not. I seriously believe that I have survived all this shit so that I can go on and help people with the empathy that it has installed in me. I am not saying that I am not still dealing with these issues because I am, I feel that in this round of being sober I have made huge progress and I would like to thank a lot of you on here for helping me in this journey. Instead of looking back and being the victim I am looking back and I am so proud of myself. Not only have I managed to keep getting back up each time but I have survived. That’s right universe I have survived and been around for 50 years despite what was chucked at me.

They released the reason for death for Dolores O’Riordan –  it was ruled that she died as a result of accidental drowning in a bathtub due to sedation by alcohol intoxication. When I read this I wept, I lost count of the amount of times I would get served some shit from my ex then run a bath to go and soak away the bullshit. Because I would be drunk and continue drinking in the tub I lost count of the amount of times I woke up in a cold bath, it was freezing!!!! But OMG my Guardian Angel must of been watching over me, poor Dolores.

If I add to that with the times I would of driven drunk, yep I even remember waking up as I hit the curb one night while driving. The car had others in it and we just laughed and kept driving. Seriously how the hell did I survive????

I am not sure what yet but I know that I have been given all these chances for a reason, if there is just one person out there that feels less alone, maybe starts to think about not drinking or starts to count their blessings as well I am leaving 49 behind happy and sober.

 

What personality trait do you have that you would love to change??

If I had to pick a trait of mine that I really hate it would be my insecurity which crosses over into jealousy. I really don’t like this side of myself and have been studying a bit to try to understand it more and to try to stop this side of me that I really hate.

I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. With my good friends I want nothing but the best for them and I want them to be loved, happy, content, safe etc, etc. I love nothing more than to see them happy, truely happy but then there is this part of myself that I really have struggled to understand. I get jealous of their other friends, seriously WTF is wrong with me???? I want to be the one to make them happy, their reason to smile, the reason they feel safe, make them feel loved. When I see other people do this I get jealous of their friendship and yet the sane side of me realizes that it is totally stupid and I should be 100% happy that others are making them happy etc. I really have to kick myself in the arse and tell myself to stop being so stupid because I want them to be happy etc.

Now in my studying this I have confirmed something I already knew, I am a really sensitive soul. I portray myself to the world that I’m not and that I have a big fuck it, what ever attitude which simply isn’t true. Now not only that I am also finding myself relating to being an emotional externalizer and internalizer and in order to protect myself from being overwhelmed by it all I shut down and my addiction has been a huge part of this. I have numbed away so many things in my time that I am surprised at the amount I have jumping out and slapping me in the face now. (By the way if you are like me and you are struggling with addiction this is very common. I am not going to use it as an excuse and if you’ve been following me you will see there are many elements that have lead me to where I am today.)  Anyway looking back all through my childhood and until I moved out of home I was always the “not a priority kid” I was the easy one to raise. I went to school, I was well behaved, I didn’t have a drug problem (then) I wasn’t in trouble with the police etc but my brother was the one that took all of my parents time and energy. I was the forgotten daughter, I shit you not one Christmas they totally forgot me but that is another story.

So far in my searching I now recognize that there is a link between this period of my life and now. I get so caught up in being worried about fucking up my friendships and jealousy is such a shitty trait. I hate the little green eye of envy especially when there is no need for it and when I should be celebrating that there are others that are making my friends lives better by being in it as well. I think I am getting better at not being like this and am quick to pull myself up for it. Thanks to my past I struggle with so many things and if I look at it a different way in the relationship with my friends I want to be happy, made to smile, feel safe, feel loved all because of our friendship and to think that a friend might have jealousy towards someone else giving me these things is madness. Hmm that last sentence was another slap in the face ❤ and I needed it.

Sober and no regrets about that. xox

Sober Journey, Fresh Start

One thing that has scared me on this sober journey is the realization of just how close I came to ending it all and how many times I came close. This has been while I was drinking and also during my sober periods including this one. But now I have reached a point where something is different. The image above really does seem appropriate for where I am at right now. I have a blank canvas ahead of me and the rest of my journey is up to me. What gets written in my journal is pretty much there for the picking.

After reading a post on my good friends blog anna12hours here is the link to the post – https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/78621074/posts/2001850508 and the thing that it helped made me realize was just how much in denial that I was coping while being an alcoholic. I was a functioning guzzler (hence the name) I held down a job full time, got promoted to Management and then transferred to a city position in a bigger role in Management. To me I thought that was coping but inside I was dying and slowly killing myself. I was living in a haze, probably a really booze fumed haze, I wasn’t really living at all. I was so fucken numb, I was portraying to everyone that I was moving on from a broken relationship but inside I wasn’t dealing with jack shit. Now as much as it is hurting I am feeling, dealing and freeing myself. And I am doing this stone cold sober, raw, real and without any numbing. This is something I feel good about, I no longer see the point of ‘living’ a lie and bullshit if I can’t live it real what is the point. There are still parts I’m not ready to bring out or in order to protect others but what I have brought out was hard but worth it.

If by sharing all of this I can help people along the way and by telling my story they feel less alone then that is the silver lining.

Listen even in the silence the chances are I will be telling you something.

Is sharing your blog with a friend wise??

I shared my blog with a friend, can’t explain it but I feel that she is more than just a friend. Hard to explain but there is a connection there and I’m not alone in that feeling, she draws people to her and they connect to her as well. I can tell it in their posts and comments on her FB page. She is so freakin lovely but that is not the reason for this post.

I have had a thought on why I have probably never shared this before, I am now worried about her reading these posts and her being hurt by reading what I have been through. I NEVER want to cause any pain for her and I know that if I read what I have put up about her in reverse I would be so upset. Anyway have to go so might come back to this later.

Total side note I clocked over 8 months sober on the weekend, woop woop ANNA we did it!!!

Tired and sick

I have been tired and sick for a while now and yesterday I just put on some good music and went for a walk. I ended up at a park that is in our suburb and walked through the bush, I was also looking for a little dog that had gone missing from nearby so covered some dense bush and steep hills looking. when I came back out of the bush I realized how tired I was and just how little energy I had left. Shit I still had about 3 kilometers to walk home so I thought I would just sit for a while. This place is also used for pony club and for horse jumping etc so there are these awesome logs they have set up into jumps and I just climbed up on one of these and just meditated. Before I fully realized what was happening I was sitting there in tears. I am tired, tired of being sick, tired of the doctors working and testing different things trying to figure out what is going on, tired of pushing myself to last the week at work, tired of my busy mind, tired of my volunteer work, tired of looking after others, tired, tired, tired so mother fucking tired!!!

I managed to zone right out for a while and just let myself give in to the crying. You know that silent cry were the tears just fell. I think I was releasing how blah I was feeling from being sick and also from things I had released on here. It feels good to of released some stuff and I really am ready for some of it to be put to rest. For Missy and Jane I am really sorry how things ended there. BUT I refuse to carry the guilt for this on my own, I feel bad that their lives ended up on the shit heap like my own. I know now that my brother and my ex both raped me and NEITHER was my fault. I have carried guilt that maybe some of it was my fault in some twisted way. I sat up there and I cried and released.

The part I have to deal with about my brother is the fact we have never talked about it and as far as everyone (especially my parents) know we are all one loving happy family. I have no desire to tell anyone about this part of my life least of all my family. My parents would either pick a side / be totally heart broken and would be so full of guilt. There is nothing to be achieved by bringing it up now so it is going to be inside me. The hardest part is pretending nothing happened and being the happy daughter / sister. My parents are both knocking on their 80’s and I treasure what time we have left together. I am staying in the city that I am because of them and their age so I can enjoy time together and keep an eye on them being here for them as they age. I don’t know if I will stay in this city once they pass though. My brother lives here now as well and if there was just us left I really don’t know if I would want to stay.

Anyway I’m still super tired but a part of me is screaming a big FUCK YOU to that part of my history.

What I miss about drinking.

I honestly don’t know if I miss drinking anymore, the longer I go without the more I think did I really enjoy the taste anyway, fucked if I know to be honest. Beer used to be my favorite but thinking about it now I might get the same flavor off sucking a bottle top. Then came vodka and it wasn’t so much the vodka taste that I liked but rather the burning feel of the first hit and then the warmth as it surged through me. Even when you reach the last drop of the vodka bottle at the end of the night come early morning you can still get that pleasant burning sensation. Also in the mix was cider and now I think yeah it was nice like a crisp green apple but once I got to bottle 6 or 8 in a night it was probably (and I say probably on purpose, cause my senses would of been off by then) was getting so sickly sweet that I doubt I would of been enjoying it by then. What I am trying to say is that I don’t miss the drinking.

I do how ever miss some of the effects of my drinking. I miss the way it would turn off and calm my mind from over thinking. I miss how it could numb away the pain. I miss how being drunk or cloudy the next day until it was time to crack open another. I have more and more memories and thoughts coming to the surface and some times just carrying on like normal is bloody hard work. I have more memories of my childhood but there is a large portion that I just can’t remember. I looked on Google maps today for something unrelated and there was a street from our families past that we lived on. I thought I remembered which house we lived in but as I went looking at them all I realized I have no fucken recollection of which one it was.

I remember more of what happened between my brother and I and with him and my parents still around I am finding myself avoiding being around them at the moment. There is absolutely no point in bringing up the past with them all because all it would do is burden them with the hurt and pain. It sucks that I can’t numb all this away but I’m also sure that I am meant to be working on these things so that I can move on. I know you can’t change the past by going over it again and people say don’t look in the mirror cause your not going that way, fuck if only it was that easy. I think the best way to explain what I am feeling about my thoughts at the moment is that I need to unpack each suitcase. Now parts of the suitcase I need to process and then hopefully I can stop carrying that burden any longer. Some parts I might want to keep and they might get refolded and placed lovingly back in the suitcase. While I am doing this unpacking I am pulling out and airing some of it and that is refreshing. I can see the light but I still have a long road to walk.

I need silence!!

I am noticing more and more that I enjoy the quiet times, my body and soul feel so much better with calm and peace. I had a very busy weekend with different friends and I love them to pieces but seriously they do not shut the fuck up! I knew they were chatter boxes and that is fine, being so socially awkward having someone else do all the talking relieves the pressure. Previously I would of been drinking and I obviously didn’t take that much notice but I found myself getting more and more wound up to the point of just wanting them to stop. I love a good  catch up with a friend and finding out about them and how they are doing etc, but frankly I couldn’t care less about Aunty Mable (who I don’t know nor have meet) I don’t care about what a bitch so and so is at work to others.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a chit chat but there is something I would rather do with my friends (and I’m not going all hippy dippy on you all here) I would love to have friends that we are just comfortable enough to chat, enjoy each others company and then just sit and meditate side by side. It doesn’t have to be weird I think more just feeling the love and support we have for each other and let the peace, calm and security of that be present. Good conversation combined with just enjoying the moment and absorbing the value of the moment.

My Girls Trying To Explain And an Open Letter to Jane & Missy

Where does one start when something that happened years ago still rips at your heart??? How does one write like they are hoping for forgiveness when there is no way they can be given it? I don’t know the answers to above but a very wise person I respect suggested trying this and it’s worth a go, I don’t think I can fully express the pain I carry along with the guilt but when I started this blog I swore that I would keep it real and honest. This is for myself so bullshitting is only kidding myself and not moving on from the past. On a post I did a few days ago I explained that my ex shot my dog as a way to get back at me for refusing to come back and be his fuck buddy, the pain is something I will never forget and I have a huge guilt I carry from my part in this. This will be a mixture of explanation and a letter to Jane & Missy my two beautiful Labrador girls.

The guilt that I feel is for the shitty life I provided for two of the most beautiful dogs that had nothing but love to give. Jane was the mother dog and belonged to my ex and Missy was one of her puppies who belonged to me. In the break down of our relationship there was much abuse from my ex towards me, I have hidden that from people because I do not want my family to ever feel the pain that I did. The mental abuse was constant and I buried myself into my work and drinking. My ex mostly stayed away and would only appear for random visits which often resulted in rape, and a serving of mental abuse which was his way of controlling me. I would work, come home via calling into different bottle shops on the way home (don’t go to the same one every night because then they would know what a dead beat alcoholic you are, pffft like they didn’t know anyway). Come home and start to drink and just keep on drinking. I would get a hour or two sleep and then repeat the cycle. I was a totally functioningguzzler and hid all this from everybody and even managed to get promotions into management while doing this, fuck knows how. Okay once again procrastinating trying to avoid the shame of what I did.

Jane and Missy stayed with me, they lived in side by side kennels which had a wire mess decked area that they could lay in the sun if they wanted to. To give you an idea of the size if they laid stretched out they could touch each of the sides and the length was probably three times that including the kennel and run. Neither dog was desexed as my ex didn’t believe in that for various reasons, the section was not fully fenced so you can imagine the stray dogs that would come on the property while they were in season and try to get at them through the wire. You couldn’t let them out unsupervised because they would some times wander which was only natural as they couldn’t understand where their Dad, who was their world, wasn’t there anymore for them. This is the part that I am so ashamed of, they would stay in this situation for days on end with only a brief moment out to go to the toilet. If I worked long days they wouldn’t get out and I would just place their food bowl in with them. Of cause they had no choice but to shit in there as well during this time so thanks to me they had to live in their own shit in their kennels confused and depressed. I am so ashamed that I let them live like this, they deserved SO MUCH BETTER, they deserved love, warmth, cleanliness, cuddles, fresh bedding, walks, trips in the car oh god so many things and I failed them terribly. Those poor sweet girls they did nothing to deserve how they ended up being treated.

Jane my sweetheart, Missy my girl, I can never ever apologize enough for how I let you live like that. It is ripping my heart right now with the memory of you having to live like that with no way to escape and improve things for yourself. I was the person you should of been able to rely on, I should of taken better care of you, I should of moved you into the house with me, I should of stood up to him more and made sure we put your welfare needs before our own shit pile lives. We fucked up and I can never fix it. I know that your Dad loved you, I would never of ended up with him if he hadn’t been an animal lover, but with the drugs and the alcohol he changed. I am so ashamed of my part in what ended up being your life. I had the power to look after you better but instead I drank, worked, drank, worked I did everything to appear normal on the outside but on the inside I was fucked. I can’t ever go back and correct what I did. I am so, so sorry that your Mum let you down, I didn’t protect you, I didn’t take care of you, I didn’t make you feel safe and loved. 

Eventually I moved away and basically gave my partner the house, I had to go for my mental sanity. He moved back into the home and I thought you would be safe and have a better life with him. I wanted to take you both but knew with my promotion I would be working more and I knew he would never let me take Jane. Missy I couldn’t take you from your Mum because you had never been separated from her, you were each others worlds and I just couldn’t do that. What I didn’t count on was Jane dying nor the fact he would move a new girlfriend into the house. She hated you girls because she knew that you had been my dogs as well.

I thought I was moving away from the problem but I didn’t move far enough away and he tracked me down. We ended up sleeping together a few times until I just couldn’t anymore and told him to stay away. The begging, stalking and abuse that went on because I wouldn’t let him be a part of my life anymore was intense. I will never forget the day he called me, I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the bench looking out the window to the paddocks beyond. I was telling him to fuck off and stop calling when he said “I have called to tell you something”. There was no sadness in his voice, so guilt it was more a fuck you bitch no one tells me no. “I have to tell you that Missy is dead, I had to shoot her.” I stood there thinking wtf this has to be a sick joke, the arsehole pulling shit like this. He continued “Jane died a few months ago” why had he never told me about that in any of his annoying fucken calls? “Missy ended up going blind and she started roaming everywhere, it was dangerous to traffic so the best thing was for me to shoot her”.  I asked him why didn’t you tell me she was becoming a problem, why didn’t you tell me about Jane, I would of came and got her! His answer was “you made your choice”.

Jane I am so sorry that you passed and I wasn’t there. Missy I will never forgive myself that he took your life, NEVER I promise you I was a total shit mother to you in the end but I would never, ever of let this happen to you had I known. Why did I not go back when I was stronger and check on you both???????? I moved in with friends that would of let me have you had they known the circumstances even though we had 3 dogs there already. I fucked up, I moved away from you and failed to go back and check on you. I failed you both in so many ways. I guess even while typing this I know why I didn’t go back, I didn’t want to go back to that place. I had moved in with friends and instead of sorting out my shit I lived with friends that I can see now were alcoholics as well. You see I moved on and continued the cycle, work, drink, work, drink the drinking never stopped I just wanted to keep on numbing and in numbing I fucked up and ignored what I loved the most and I let you both down. I AM AND FOREVER WILL BE SORRY MY GIRLS. 

Anxieties At Dangerous Levels

***WARNING FOR MY SOBER FRIENDS THAT DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT ENJOYMENT OF DRINKING PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!! NEED TO GET THIS OUT***

My anxieties are off the scale at the moment and I can’t wait for this weekend to be over. I am pushing myself and hoping like crazy that I aren’t pushing to far to soon.

My beautiful friend has her Hen’s party / lunch / booze up / music & dancing sort of hen’s party which I am so nervous about attending. There are a number of things that are happening in this which I can tell myself over and over don’t be silly but I can’t stop freaking myself out about it. My friend loves living life large, she has the designer wardrobe, expensive tastes and has some very wealthy friends I am really worried that I ain’t going to fit in, that I am not going to feel good enough and that my anxieties are going to mean that I basically freeze up and become and stuttering idiot. I am worried that the stress of this all will make me have a ‘fuck it’ moment and I just go screw it and drink. Once I drink all these things calm down and I can relax.

Long story short but I have been living with food allergies and avoiding wheat, gluten and dairy for around 14 years. Now your probably wondering why that has relevance here. I can now eat wheat and gluten and that has opened up a whole world for me. Oh my goodness I am going to have to be careful, I am already chubby but the foods I can eat now that taste so fucken yummy is mind boggling!!! But what is scaring the shit out of me is that a side life saver with living that diet was that I COULD NOT drink BEER!!! Now beer and me have a special relationship and I love/d? beer. I could guzzle away a box of beer a night and this was every night of the week. Rambling here and for the point – I am anxious, I have some how managed to trigger so many memories all at once, I am nervous about Saturday and now I can drink beer!!!!! WTF I am stepping into danger zone right here even thinking about it my mouth is watering. What if I DON’T like beer and taking the first swig I go yuck and that cures the craving?????? Shut the fuck up alcoholic brain!!!!!

I have to take a ferry which I haven’t had to do before (I’m a big girl I can cope with that) I have to deal with people that are at a different social level to myself. I have to deal with the anxiety of not drinking, do I have to explain why I don’t / can’t drink?? I will already be the odd one out, I don’t do makeup, I don’t do fancy clothes, I don’t have loads of money etc etc, grrrrrrrrrrr turn it off.

The sane side of me tells me that I know this really means a LOT to my friend that I be there and support her. I know that she won’t really care less what I’m wearing, she knows I am an alcoholic and supports me in that. I just feel totally out of my comfort zone.

I am so lucky because I will be joining them for the lunch and then as they get stuck into their champagne and what ever else I will be leaving in the afternoon to catch the ferry back and join another friend as we are going to P!nk. I can’t wait until I am in at the venue and they rest is behind me which is stink, I should be happy to support a friend and help her celebrate. It really is one of those moments when you push yourself so hard and if you survive you are so proud of yourself afterwards.