Where does one start when something that happened years ago still rips at your heart??? How does one write like they are hoping for forgiveness when there is no way they can be given it? I don’t know the answers to above but a very wise person I respect suggested trying this and it’s worth a go, I don’t think I can fully express the pain I carry along with the guilt but when I started this blog I swore that I would keep it real and honest. This is for myself so bullshitting is only kidding myself and not moving on from the past. On a post I did a few days ago I explained that my ex shot my dog as a way to get back at me for refusing to come back and be his fuck buddy, the pain is something I will never forget and I have a huge guilt I carry from my part in this. This will be a mixture of explanation and a letter to Jane & Missy my two beautiful Labrador girls.
The guilt that I feel is for the shitty life I provided for two of the most beautiful dogs that had nothing but love to give. Jane was the mother dog and belonged to my ex and Missy was one of her puppies who belonged to me. In the break down of our relationship there was much abuse from my ex towards me, I have hidden that from people because I do not want my family to ever feel the pain that I did. The mental abuse was constant and I buried myself into my work and drinking. My ex mostly stayed away and would only appear for random visits which often resulted in rape, and a serving of mental abuse which was his way of controlling me. I would work, come home via calling into different bottle shops on the way home (don’t go to the same one every night because then they would know what a dead beat alcoholic you are, pffft like they didn’t know anyway). Come home and start to drink and just keep on drinking. I would get a hour or two sleep and then repeat the cycle. I was a totally functioningguzzler and hid all this from everybody and even managed to get promotions into management while doing this, fuck knows how. Okay once again procrastinating trying to avoid the shame of what I did.
Jane and Missy stayed with me, they lived in side by side kennels which had a wire mess decked area that they could lay in the sun if they wanted to. To give you an idea of the size if they laid stretched out they could touch each of the sides and the length was probably three times that including the kennel and run. Neither dog was desexed as my ex didn’t believe in that for various reasons, the section was not fully fenced so you can imagine the stray dogs that would come on the property while they were in season and try to get at them through the wire. You couldn’t let them out unsupervised because they would some times wander which was only natural as they couldn’t understand where their Dad, who was their world, wasn’t there anymore for them. This is the part that I am so ashamed of, they would stay in this situation for days on end with only a brief moment out to go to the toilet. If I worked long days they wouldn’t get out and I would just place their food bowl in with them. Of cause they had no choice but to shit in there as well during this time so thanks to me they had to live in their own shit in their kennels confused and depressed. I am so ashamed that I let them live like this, they deserved SO MUCH BETTER, they deserved love, warmth, cleanliness, cuddles, fresh bedding, walks, trips in the car oh god so many things and I failed them terribly. Those poor sweet girls they did nothing to deserve how they ended up being treated.
Jane my sweetheart, Missy my girl, I can never ever apologize enough for how I let you live like that. It is ripping my heart right now with the memory of you having to live like that with no way to escape and improve things for yourself. I was the person you should of been able to rely on, I should of taken better care of you, I should of moved you into the house with me, I should of stood up to him more and made sure we put your welfare needs before our own shit pile lives. We fucked up and I can never fix it. I know that your Dad loved you, I would never of ended up with him if he hadn’t been an animal lover, but with the drugs and the alcohol he changed. I am so ashamed of my part in what ended up being your life. I had the power to look after you better but instead I drank, worked, drank, worked I did everything to appear normal on the outside but on the inside I was fucked. I can’t ever go back and correct what I did. I am so, so sorry that your Mum let you down, I didn’t protect you, I didn’t take care of you, I didn’t make you feel safe and loved.
Eventually I moved away and basically gave my partner the house, I had to go for my mental sanity. He moved back into the home and I thought you would be safe and have a better life with him. I wanted to take you both but knew with my promotion I would be working more and I knew he would never let me take Jane. Missy I couldn’t take you from your Mum because you had never been separated from her, you were each others worlds and I just couldn’t do that. What I didn’t count on was Jane dying nor the fact he would move a new girlfriend into the house. She hated you girls because she knew that you had been my dogs as well.
I thought I was moving away from the problem but I didn’t move far enough away and he tracked me down. We ended up sleeping together a few times until I just couldn’t anymore and told him to stay away. The begging, stalking and abuse that went on because I wouldn’t let him be a part of my life anymore was intense. I will never forget the day he called me, I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the bench looking out the window to the paddocks beyond. I was telling him to fuck off and stop calling when he said “I have called to tell you something”. There was no sadness in his voice, so guilt it was more a fuck you bitch no one tells me no. “I have to tell you that Missy is dead, I had to shoot her.” I stood there thinking wtf this has to be a sick joke, the arsehole pulling shit like this. He continued “Jane died a few months ago” why had he never told me about that in any of his annoying fucken calls? “Missy ended up going blind and she started roaming everywhere, it was dangerous to traffic so the best thing was for me to shoot her”. I asked him why didn’t you tell me she was becoming a problem, why didn’t you tell me about Jane, I would of came and got her! His answer was “you made your choice”.
Jane I am so sorry that you passed and I wasn’t there. Missy I will never forgive myself that he took your life, NEVER I promise you I was a total shit mother to you in the end but I would never, ever of let this happen to you had I known. Why did I not go back when I was stronger and check on you both???????? I moved in with friends that would of let me have you had they known the circumstances even though we had 3 dogs there already. I fucked up, I moved away from you and failed to go back and check on you. I failed you both in so many ways. I guess even while typing this I know why I didn’t go back, I didn’t want to go back to that place. I had moved in with friends and instead of sorting out my shit I lived with friends that I can see now were alcoholics as well. You see I moved on and continued the cycle, work, drink, work, drink the drinking never stopped I just wanted to keep on numbing and in numbing I fucked up and ignored what I loved the most and I let you both down. I AM AND FOREVER WILL BE SORRY MY GIRLS.