Thought of the morning, OMG I can do some dumb shit and I used to blame it all on the drinking. Now without the drinking I have to face the fact that ummm no you just do dumb shit. Yikes, maybe tiredness is more at play than the booze so combined holy shit how did I function???? Hmmm what else did I use alcohol as a crutch or an excuse for?
I actually lost count today of the amount of times I went to put “sorry” in an email and then caught myself in time and deleted it. I am trying to make an effort of avoiding apologizing if I simply have nothing to apologize for. I happily apologize if I do have something to be sorry for and I have no problem in doing it.
What if the time is ticking and we all have this amazing gift that we don’t even realize that we have and we waste it?? As I get older I can’t help but wonder what if I miss the whole point of my being? What if I never figure out what I want to do??? Okay there is a few things going on here, lets see if I have break down todays thoughts into something that sounds rational.
What if I have an amazing gift and I am so busy just stumbling through life that I miss it and I don’t use it to do good?
That would be so sad because I want so badly to do good, I see so much wrong in this world that I want to be a part or even a solo trip I don’t care to do good. Shit I would be gutted, or would I cause how would I know that I missed it hmmmm.
What if I never figure out what I really want to do? Figure out what is your passion and you will never have to work another day in your life, really?
Maybe if I didn’t have the welfare and future care of my family I would dream more and maybe come up with something, anything, hell I don’t know. Am I using them as an excuse?? I don’t think so but it is a heavy commitment and one I often feel like fucking off and saying to my brother it’s all yours bro, look after them and give me a holla if you need anything. Well that ain’t gonna work, he has done so much damage to his brain through his drugs that he struggles to hold it together for himself and his on responsibilities.
What if life stays as it is, will that be the end of the world?
Not the end of the world no, that’s a tad to dramatic but somethings have to change. I swear I have positives in my life and there is so much that I have to be grateful for and I will do another post about them soon but for now this has to be about emptying out the thoughts that keep bouncing around like one of those pinball machines with lights flashing and screaming as the ball drops down the clowns mouth sort of thoughts.
So following on from my is God really real I still haven’t changed my way of thinking but I hope for my Aunties sake that he is real. She has spent her whole live being a servant of God and she has just called enough on her latest round of chemo. She has fought and won with 3 different types of cancer along with numerous other major illnesses and this time the chemo is just making her so sick and weak. Her cancer is now in her bones and her blood. This week she asked me to be one of her pallbearers and it broke my heart. I think you are suppose to feel honored but I just feel sad. I really hope like hell that when her time comes to pass over that she finds pearly gates waiting for her and that God himself is there to welcome her.
It is hard to watch someone call it quits and to know that this decision really is a death sentence. I feel a bit fucked up because we all know that were there is life there will be death right? I know I have died once already myself, for the record I did see a bright light and I did feel an amazing calm. Was probably the fucken operating theaters light and I was so high on drugs I probably couldn’t feel anything but calm. I do know that it hasn’t made me scared of death itself and that thought helps me.
Sadly this has all made my inner drunk raise her voice and I have an internal battle going on of fuck it, does it really matter, just drink. Numb the pain, turn off the brain, just escape over thinking for a while. Even dealing with the self disappointment and hangover would distract. OMG see how powerful my alcoholic mind is, it will use ANY situation or emotion to jump in and say “just have a drink”. Now I am beating myself up for being like this when this should all be about my Auntie FFS, oh shit I even thought oh what about at the family get together after the funeral. There will be alcohol, there will be toasts to be made, surely if you deserve a drink it is at this type of situation?
I am over the 7 months sober this time round and I am sure there will be more times like this in my life……
Well I’m feeling like a bit of an idiot as I have only just found the tab that says approve and found some comments there that I didn’t even know about. It is weird some of the comments send me an email asking if I want to approve or not and these ones didn’t. Please know that I appreciate all your comments and feedback unless you are just being plan nasty or rude to anyone else’s comments. I totally respect that their are different opinions and more than one way to do things and still achieve the same result. I don’t mind if you say you don’t agree with me or you want to express your feelings or the way you do things. I have never and never will say that I know it all and that I won’t listen to others thoughts.
I want to give a huge thank you to those of you that sent me email addresses in offer of support and private help if needed, very humbled by them and now feeling very rude that I didn’t even approve nor read your kind offer.
My blog is here for a number of reasons and not least of all to get things out of my damn head, for the support I get from you all AND I want anyone else that is going through a similar journey to know that you are not alone. If I can help one person I am so happy that I put some of what I do on here.
Something I ponder often is wondering is God really for real and I mean really? This is probably one of those taboo subjects because how dare you question the existence of God right? I have watched some of my friends turn towards religion and have noticed that it is almost always when they are going through times of difficulty and are alone and in need of support. They enjoy the support and companionship that that other church members and church community give them and it certainly helps them in their time of need. They relate with the stories and preaching told by preachers that are very charismatic and are great story tellers. But is the religious part that necessary or just used as a crutch to bring them all together? Can they get the support they need without it? I don’t get the bases of AA around religion either, why aren’t there more programs out there without it?
I have been thinking a LOT about friendship and trying to figure out some things and one thing I have decided is that people are really made up of layers. Current, what they want the general public to see, what they are willing to share with friends and family and then what they are comfortable to trust with a few and then things they hope never surface again. I think that there is also different types of friendships and that some can peel back layers others can’t and vice versa. This probably sounds awfully messy and I am sorry I need to get this out of my head and am just going to do a rambly, messy post to get it out and may repost tomorrow when I make more sense of it all as I read this.
I have been trying really hard to make a few friends and step out of my comfort zone in hope that I will feel a connection to at least one and to feel that they feel the same about me. This is what has got me thinking about the layers and I think it is a privilege to have anyone peel a layer back with you. I also find myself wondering that if people are prepared to peel them back are you in turn expected to peel back one of your own???
Seriously friendships are so confusing, I have this habit of basically falling so hard in love with my friends and I want to show them I love them because I believe in the “we are never promised tomorrow” but I worry that my style can be a bit over powering for people.
Anyway this rambling has helped download some from my brain enough that I will be able to hopefully word it better very soon. Just for the record I am still sober lol this is not a drunkin pondering post.