This week I have hit a speed wobble and have basically fallen off the bike (mood wise NOT back on the bottle) and into depression. Last night I searched for help and I have to say the help I received back was shit. I suffer greatly from anxiety and am painfully shy so rather than phone their toll free help line I reached out via their little chat box after reading that their is trained counselors at the other end waiting to help you 24/7.
First Attempt – Click on chat box and scrolling ………….One moment while our counselor connects, waiting, waiting, waiting 5 minutes later still ………. gave up and closed the chat box.
Second Attempt – Click on chat box and scrolling …….One moment while our counselor connects, waiting waiting oh wait …… counselor online …… automated message if your in danger or have feelings of taking your own life please call our toll free number……. waiting waiting waiting ….. Hello is anyone there? ……….. little box tells me counselor has gone off line.
Third Attempt – Click on chat box and scrolling …….One moment while our counselor connects, waiting waiting oh wait …… counselor online …… automated message if your in danger or have feelings of taking your own life please call our toll free number……. waiting waiting waiting ….. Hello is anyone there? ……….. I am not sure if this is working correctly I need help I have a drinking problem and gave up 4 months ago but am going through a bad patch with depression etc ……… then little box tells me counselor has gone off line.
Fourth Attempt – Click on chat box and scrolling …….One moment while our counselor connects, waiting waiting oh wait …… counselor online …… automated message if your in danger or have feelings of taking your own life please call our toll free number. Hello….. Hello how are you doing tonight? ……. Not to good I need help I have a drinking problem and gave up 4 months ago but am going through a bad patch with depression etc….. What location are you in please? I am in Northland ….. You can get help if you call the Northland AOD help services and this is there number which also happens to be the same number as our local hospital.
Oh okay thanks … you are welcome thank you for calling.
Click close that box down and sat there thinking fuck me if that is a qualified counselor I think I have the qualifications it takes.
Now just so no one worries I am fine and I have the ability to know that this will pass I really was just hoping for some advice on coping tools or maybe even the offer of free counselling to help.
I have hit a big fat low point, I am sad, I am mad, I am lost, I am exhausted, I am confused, I am lonely. But I also know that I have a lot to be happy about, I should be happy and even though I am lonely I don’t want people around me because at the moment I feel toxic. Jumble, jumble, jumble that is my mind at the moment and I want to turn it off but don’t know how. I am such an over thinker and am also my own worst enemy. This afternoon I cried again and this made me think does one have to be broken to rebuild? Do I have to strip things back and deal with them to move on or can I just say fuck it they are my history I want to move on to the future. I can’t change what has happened but the only way I have known to deal with them has been to drink and drink until I was numb. Today I hit 4 months sober and I thought I would be super happy and proud well I’m proud but I am emotional.
Here we are 1/4 of an hour from home time at work and my little voice is getting louder and louder in my fucken head. I want to drink, come on stop on the way home and buy some. I am feeling emotional at the moment and have just been a grumpy arsed bitch to someone that didn’t deserve it. I need to get out of here I am suffocating and I just want to drink and numb everything.
At the same time another voice which sounds wiser but weaker is saying fuck that don’t do it! This will pass you are so close to 4 months sober don’t blow it now. I am so proud that I have come this far but at the same time, well actually at this time my little fuckwit voice is saying what is the point why does it even matter?????
It’s gonna be a hard drive home as no matter which way I go I drive past stores that sell booze. No no NO NO NO NO SHUT THE FUCK UP CRAZY TRAIN MIND!!!!
Is it just in my mind or is there a huge stigma of shame attached to admitting that you are an alcoholic? I feel comfortable discussing it on here but then I am not exposing myself. When it comes to admitting to friends, family and work colleagues that I don’t drink because I am an alcoholic I tend to shy away from it as I feel great shame in it. I feel that I will be judged whether it be for being a drunk or who would trust a person with a drinking problem or for fear of them joking your not an alcoholic and then apply the pressure for me to drink with them again.
Don’t rush dealing with things as you might not have the tools to deal with it yet.
I listened to a podcast yesterday and it was an average podcast but there was some things that I jotted down which struck a cord with me. The above line was something that really gave me a jolt. It has always bothered me that I can not remember much from my childhood at all. I can remember a dolls swinging crib, the color of my bed cover (I am sitting here trying so hard to remember as much as possible for you) the layout of my bedroom, I had a bike but I can’t even remember what it looked like, umm we had 2 cats oh and my wardrobe had this like louver door that folded up as you opened it. I do remember hiding in this wardrobe but I can’t remember what I was hiding from. Oh and I remember a portable tape deck with a radio that I loved. That is pretty much it that is the sum of my childhood. It’s bugged me that I don’t remember a lot more and I don’t know why I don’t as I don’t have the greatest memory bank but I really feel I should be able to remember more than this. I do remember important things but to me if something isn’t important don’t store it as it will take up room needed for something else. During the podcast when the words – Don’t rush dealing with things as you might not have the tools to deal with it yet where spoken it sent shivers down my spin. I can feel myself getting worked up now as I type so am going to leave this one here for now.
Last night I hit 3 months, 3 weeks sober. I will admit that I still think about it and do still want to drink so I can numb myself and not think about anything BUT the side of me that doesn’t want to drink and is enjoying the sober parts of life is so glad I have resisted. Friday nights at the end of my work week are the hardest as my mind tells me I deserve it, lets celebrate the end of the work week, lets get the weekend started blah blah blah. NO, NO, NO FUCKEN NO!!!!!
When you have been brought up never feeling that you are enough it is so hard to know just when you are enough.
I am really trying to find ways to stop my inner voice from putting me down. Low self esteem is crippling and something I have always suffered from. I really don’t feel worthy of love and when I do find someone that cares about me (just in a friendship way) I really do go over the top because I am so desperate to feel the love and to know that I do matter to someone. When I was raised words I often heard when I was being discussed or even when I was being talked to were – chubby, fat, not so smart, slow to learn, not feminine enough, tomboy along with others but these ones really stuck and are still something used today. I feel that I was the embarrassment of the family, I was never the sweet, girlie girl, pretty girl that they had wanted. There was only myself and my brother and my mother clicked with him. Mentally they were on the same level, both very smart. He was also not embarrassingly fat and she was always proud to have him around.
I know that having this foundation has damaged my self esteem so badly that it has affected me now through my adult life. How the hell do you mentally dig yourself out of that? How do you feel worthy of love without putting yourself so far out there that people use you or take advantage of this? Or on the flip side how do you not scare people off with the amount of love you give back in hope that they will see you as a worthy person?
Just one of the things bouncing around in my mind, well actually its more like a squash ball being whacked around the room.
Seriously was my emotions so all over the place when I was drinking? Why didn’t I feel as lonely and empty as I do now when I was drinking?
I seem to be all over the place and can go from feeling as light and free as a butterfly who is not foggy from drink to crash and burn grumpy tired bitch so quickly. Thank fuck I live on my own and I don’t have to put anyone else through my moods because seriously they are fucked. I aren’t struggling with not drinking but do think about it and my inner voice still does the bullshit of “oh who cares just have a drink” or “fuck it lets drink this weekend and then go back to not drinking on a night I have to work the next day” hahaha that never lasts oh or the good old “you have had such a stressful day, and you are all alone what does it matter if you drink” these can spin around my head at 99 miles an hour. I now have another inner voice that is growing in strength that says “SHUT THE FUCK UP I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK, THE THOUGHT I CAN JUST HAVE A COUPLE OR JUST DRINK FOR THE WEEKEND IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.”
I have been sick for the last couple of weeks and part of it has been total exhaustion sadly my getting out of bed at 5am and jumping on the X-Trainer stopped along with listening to the positive pod casts. The weight is heading in the wrong direction and I have a new addiction called ice blocks. Just plain lemonade, orange or raspberry cordial like ice blocks but I could sit here all night long sucking on them and often do.
Fucks Sake I Need To Break This Rut and Only I Can Do It For Myself!!