My brain is going into overload and everything that I have been muting with drinking is bouncing around in there. My senses / emotions are all hyper sensitive and I am having to be careful that I don’t take things the wrong way nor make rushed decisions rather than deal with them and think about them. Tonight I am thinking I will just make a list of some of the things bouncing around so I can get them out of my head at least and then I will write more in depth about each one when I can.
My friend that quit, quitting
Straight / Lesbian / Bi-Sexual
How to stop doing things I don’t want to do
Self loath / Self respect / Appearance
Fuck It List
Exhausted – Mind, Body and Soul
That is enough to keep me busy for a while, I am feeling that I am running around trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think of any of the above. In order to break free I either have to write about them on here and set them free from my mind or in some cases I have to decide if I will work on them and I need to make a positive list of things that I want to achieve as well. For now I am tired so am going to sleep but at least this has given me a starting point. It might not be achievable but I am going to try to write on here each day as it seems to be helping and providing a way to sort out moving on.
Well I might as well be straight up now and say I have held off coming back on here until now because of the shame that I felt of writing posts about how great life was being sober and then after 3 years I fucked up and fell of the sober train into a year and a half of blur as I dove back into my addiction with total vigor. I was embarrassed after receiving some amazing messages of encouragement and support and even praise of having lasted being sober. The truth is I had to come back, I had to come back and start again because I need this as part of my journey. This seems to be the only place where I think I will be comfortable enough to just get things out of my head and just ramble on and let out shit I have been holding in for what feels like forever. I once told a couple of friends about my blog but they lead busy lives and I don’t think they even bothered to come and have a look. It hurt that they did not make the time but now I am almost glad because it gives me the freedom to put things up in here that I am not comfortable talking about with people in my life. There is one friend I may tell about it at some stage but I will see how I go.
Thank you so much for the likes and feedback, please feel free to leave any that you want. I don’t mind if it is advice, support or sharing something from your journey that one of my posts has prompted you to want to write about. To those that supported me last time I was here I am so sorry I do feel that I let you down when you really were giving me great encouragement. I don’t mean to be fat headed and think that it matters that much to you because really I am just one very small drop in a rather large ocean. Welcome to any new comers, I am an alcoholic and you are welcome to my journey.
Today sucked big time and has left me ready to cry and just feeling broken and alone. I found out this afternoon that a person from my past has taken her life. I really feel that I let this person down and now I have to live with this.
My friend that gave up on giving up with me has been talking to me about her drinking again not with a sense of guilt for breaking our pact but from the lines of it didn’t taste that good so she thought the wine was off and brought another bottle. That didn’t taste as good as she remembers it either but that has made her happy because she thinks that with the knowledge of her not enjoying it as much as she remembers she will be able to have control over her drinking and just drink when she wants and stop when she wants. That is the talk of an alcoholic if nothing else, what a load of bullocks.
I have friends but I feel so lonely right now, if you are suppose to attract what you put out I don’t understand. I could of caved today and just gone out and brought a box of cider and got myself totally shit faced to numb everything right now. I am sad about losing the person, I am feeling guilt for not being there enough, I am angry with my friend for pulling out of the no drinking deal and yet having no sense of guilt or shame for doing so and leaving me feeling like this. I am pissed that I am being her sounding board about her experience starting again when we should be each others sounding board for not fucken drinking.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity, FUCK!!!!! I don’t know how to explain or deal with all these emotions right now. I am so fucken tired and emotionally spent. I am trying so hard to crawl my way back by being a compassionate caring person for all my friends because I think the way to healing is to give out what you want back but it’s not working. Hoping tomorrow is okay and tonight is now month 2 week 3 sober, I should be happy about that.
Well I am going to be celebrating my first year sober this month and I highlighted those two parts because there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will make the date and there is also no doubt in my mind that this first year won’t be my only year sober. There is something that I want to share with anyone out there starting on their own sober journey or even thinking about starting on one. There are going to be good days and there are also going to be some totally shitty days both of which will pass. Please I am no expert and have not studied on this subject nor have I ever attended a single AA meeting so what I offer here is just my own personal experience in the hope that it might help someone make it through those shitty days. This is nothing more than sharing what I experienced in the hope that if they are going through some of the journey I went traveled it’s okay it is normal and you will survive.
Addiction is an incredibly powerful beast and it tapped into my brain and caused some of the biggest battles I have ever had to fight in my life. It had me ready to take my own life, it had me with so much self loath, self pity, worthlessness and helpless all at once. It was exhausting fighting my own voices in my head there was a constant battle going on in my head and it was forever trying to wear me down while another part of me was trying to fight back and keep going. I realize now that it was my addicted brain talking and trying it’s hardest to get me to give in and say “fuck it” and give in to it. It was not a rational thinking and it wanted me to either take my life or turn off the voices by drinking myself in to a numb state that I couldn’t feel that way anymore. Problem with the second option is that I would of had to wake up and face that I had given up my sober journey and that would of just fueled the self hate I had in me. It took me a while to work out that my brain wasn’t crazy as such but that it was the power of my addicted mind that was trying to take control. My message is KEEP GOING you have the power in your own mind to take on this demon because it is your mind that is fighting on both sides. The longer you can hold on the stronger you will become against the arsehole. If you are experiencing any of what I have just described its okay you are not crazy and you are not alone. If you need help please go and get some. If I can help I am more than happy to have you reach out to me here please just let me know, if I can use my experience to make someone else’s journey easier I am fine with that.
Do I still have times when I would love a drink? Hell yes! Do I want to drink ever again? Hell no! What is the difference? I loved the buzz that drinking brought me, I loved that it helped to switch my over active mind off and just numb itself, I loved the fact that I was more socially accepted while I was drinking. BUT I don’t want to drink again because I don’t ever want to have to fight that demon again, I would be so upset I don’t know if I would make it back again, if people need me to drink to make me more socially acceptable (I think that it makes them feel more comfortable about their own drinking to be honest). As for the numbing and the buzz I haven’t found anything to replace those yet and I do miss them but I am hoping given more time and maybe some counseling I can settle some demons and not need to numb them out anymore. STAY STRONG guys and gals you can do this, if anyone tells you giving up an addiction is easy I wonder just what level their addiction was at in the first place.
Found this one is drafts, goodness knows how I missed publishing can’t even blame being drunk lol. But it is still part of my journey so publishing now.
Tomorrow night I will of been sober for 2 1/2 months and this should of been something that I shared with my BFF. After telling her that I was going to stop drinking again she told me her whole story about how she was drinking to excess as well and that she really needed to stop drinking as well. We agreed that we would support each other through and have been doing exactly that. We were able to share when we really wanted a drink and then tell each other how bad we would feel about breaking our agreement. We both talked about how we would be so disappointed in ourselves if we started again and that we would be gutted after making it so far to just give up. I actually started to waver and consider drinking but she said no she had set herself a minimum 3 months sober and then we could both decide were we would go from there. Last night she said that she knew I would hate her but she had decided that she wanted to drink. Hoping to be able to just talk to her and change her way of thinking I asked her if there was anything wrong, why did she just want to give up. Long story short there is nothing wrong and in fact things are going really well and she had just decided that she wanted to start again.
I know that I am not in a position to judge at all because I have been there so many times myself but it hurts. I am pretending that it doesn’t matter and it was her choice but it really hurts. I have been so angry today thinking that she would regret her decision but the only regret she has is the bad taste in her mouth this morning. I feel let down when I should be grateful that she had joined me and supported me for so long. I also feel lonely because we were able to share our going sober journey and we understood what each other was going through. Now I feel like I can’t have that connection with her as I can’t really talk about my sober journey anymore and it is now a topic that we probably won’t share anymore.
Well I have no way to put this other than I fucked up, three years sober and I fell off the sober train and straight back into the bottle. Well actually not just into a bottle but into a whole lot of, year and a half worth of, bottles, bottles and more bottles. Guess what? I convinced myself that I was enjoying it and a part of me was enjoying numbing what I was feeling. A big part of me enjoyed switching off my brain from over thinking everything. I thought I was coping better by doing this but instead I was slowly, sip by sip destroying myself. Not only was I numbing pain, anxiety, depression but I was also numbing my joy in noticing the small things, my sense of humor, my compassion and any chance of making new friends and giving and receiving the love I so desperately needed (both to give and to receive). Well I am now over a month sober and slowly the fog is lifting. I am to tired and it is to late to go into it tonight but if any of you are still here part of what I missed while I was drinking was the people from here. Guess what, I’m back bitches ❤