I really get up each day and have no bloody idea what direction my emotions and feelings are going to go in and shit they can take me all over the place. Yesterday after noon I was struggling with wanting to drink. My mind kept telling me you deserve it, shut up mind I don’t want to drink!!! But you don’t have to work tomorrow so it won’t matter if you stay up late drinking, for fucks sake mind shut the hell up!!!! Okay shutting up but seriously is it really that bigger deal if you drink once and a while? Oh good one, how long do you think the once in a while would last before you are back drinking every night?? Yeah but we have almost lasted 3 months without drinking so you could drink and then stop again. Yeah I could ah, arrrgggghhhh SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Just saying is all, your quit buddy quit, quitting it’s not like anyone is pressuring you to stop it doesn’t really matter. Yeah but I am so close to hitting my 3 months goal and then I want to double it to 6 months if I drink tonight that stuffs it all up. I know I won’t just drink one it will be at least 6-8, I will feel like crap in the morning and not just physically but mentally I will be so disappointed in myself. Oh well you’ll be alright, you drive past liquor outlets on your way home just call in. NO!!!! Stop it!!! I will go home and walk the dogs and then see if I can be bothered getting back in the car and driving to get some booze.
Thank god I did exactly that all was okay and then I logged in and what is the first thing on my Facebook feed but this pic / video from my friend the quitter. I was so fucken angry and wanted to comment “really, really you want to rub my face in it when you know I am no longer drinking!!!!” I was so disappointed because I felt not only had she given up giving up and supporting me but she was obviously not even disappointed in herself nor gave a shit if it made me want to drink or not. I was already surprised that she expected my sympathetic support for her starting to drink again as if she needed my validation that it really was okay for her to drink when in all honesty I didn’t even want to discuss it as I am trying to keep my mind away from thinking about it. My so called BFF had stolen a part of our lives that we could share and support each other with. Eventually my mind ran through a thousand shitty thoughts and then settled on a fuck you attitude, I will show you that I am not a quitter!
This morning I discussed this with another BFF (yes it is possible to have more than one in your life) and thankfully she had the voice of reason and gave me this – “Maybe and I don’t mean this to sound glib. She was there at the beginning and helped you get started. She’s got her own reasons and journey don’t let her use up your energy and resources as this won’t help your resolve it will just be an unnecessary distraction and staying off the booze harder.” She is so bloody right, thank goodness for friends like this that help you see things when your own addict mind is so busy rolling in it’s own shitty thoughts.