I have an amazing family but at the same time it is so fucked up. I think one of the things you start to realize is that you really can build things and people up in your head to be amazing and as you get older the flaws start to show and you start to realize that hey maybe it wasn’t all a bed of roses like my mind had created. I don’t know how much of this will make sense but forgive me while I empty out a few clutter boxes from my memory bank. I am really hoping that sooner or later that parts of the clutter will in fact be pieces of puzzle and I can put them together to make some sense in my head.
As I grew up my fathers absence was quite noticeable as he was such a hard working man I think he basically came home to eat dinner and go to bed to wake up before the sparrows farted and repeat the cycle. The time that he did have off from his paid work was spent building his own business and building a home for our family. I think at one stage he had a day job and a night job. Mum basically raised my brother and I all while teaching music and helping Dad with his cleaning jobs and the admin side of starting their own business. They are both such hard working people and I really admire them for that, what hard working, honest and amazing work ethic they both have.
I love my parents but I missed them, I missed them while they worked so much. I missed them while they went away on business trips, I missed them while they were all consumed with my brother as his drug addiction really took hold. I thought that I was just too sensitive and blew it out of proportion until in the last couple of years they apologized for the fact that I had to pretty much raise myself. They admitted that they were in such a haze just focusing on him that they knew I was the strong one and would be alright but they can see now looking back that it wasn’t right.
Last year my mother had an episode while on a day trip with me and she kept repeating herself over and over. It was very concerning as she is in her 70’s now I was wondering if she was starting to lose her marbles. I should of taken her to an A&E straight away but didn’t think it was anything serious and could wait and I could discuss it with the family doctor when we got back home. One thing lead to another and I phoned her doctor and they said get her to the hospital she could be having a stroke. By the time we got to the hospital she could not remember a thing about our day. They ran numerous tests and it turns out that she had an episode of global transient amnesia. Which basically means that her mind has forgotten that day and that period will never be remembered again. She kept asking questions about the day but she never remembers the answers and just asks again. It is weird as hell. Since that day her nature has changed now she very rarely visits (she used to often) if I go for a visit she is welcoming but she never phones etc. The best way I can describe it is that she is pushing me away. I know that she got a big fright that day, as we all did, and now she is determined for us to get used to being without her. You can’t reason with her and explain that you would prefer that we actually make the most of the time that we have left together as she is just not interested. I have discussed it with her doctor and she said it is possible that my mum had a blood clot in the brain on that day which triggered everything and has done some damage which we are seeing in her change of nature.
Basically it is all very painful for me, I miss my family, I am lonely and I am desperate to be accepted and loved by them but sadly things just aren’t working out like that for me. I moved back to this city to be here for my family and now I am wondering what is keeping me here.
This is yet another thing that it was easier to get drunk than to think about as there is no changing it, it is what it is now.