If I tip out the clutter I might find some parts of the puzzle and be able to put it together.

I have an amazing family but at the same time it is so fucked up. I think one of the things you start to realize is that you really can build things and people up in your head to be amazing and as you get older the flaws start to show and you start to realize that hey maybe it wasn’t all a bed of roses like my mind had created. I don’t know how much of this will make sense but forgive me while I empty out a few clutter boxes from my memory bank. I am really hoping that sooner or later that parts of the clutter will in fact be pieces of puzzle and I can put them together to make some sense in my head.

As I grew up my fathers absence was quite noticeable as he was such a hard working man I think he basically came home to eat dinner and go to bed to wake up before the sparrows farted and repeat the cycle. The time that he did have off from his paid work was spent building his own business and building a home for our family. I think at one stage he had a day job and a night job. Mum basically raised my brother and I all while teaching music and helping Dad with his cleaning jobs and the admin side of starting their own business. They are both such hard working people and I really admire them for that, what hard working, honest and amazing work ethic they both have.

I love my parents but I missed them, I missed them while they worked so much. I missed them while they went away on business trips, I missed them while they were all consumed with my brother as his drug addiction really took hold. I thought that I was just too sensitive and blew it out of proportion until in the last couple of years they apologized for the fact that I had to pretty much raise myself. They admitted that they were in such a haze just focusing on him that they knew I was the strong one and would be alright but they can see now looking back that it wasn’t right.

Last year my mother had an episode while on a day trip with me and she kept repeating herself over and over. It was very concerning as she is in her 70’s now I was wondering if she was starting to lose her marbles. I should of taken her to an A&E straight away but didn’t think it was anything serious and could wait and I could discuss it with the family doctor when we got back home. One thing lead to another and I phoned her doctor and they said get her to the hospital she could be having a stroke. By the time we got to the hospital she could not remember a thing about our day. They ran numerous tests and it turns out that she had an episode of global transient amnesia. Which basically means that her mind has forgotten that day and that period will never be remembered again. She kept asking questions about the day but she never remembers the answers and just asks again. It is weird as hell. Since that day her nature has changed now she very rarely visits (she used to often) if I go for a visit she is welcoming but she never phones etc. The best way I can describe it is that she is pushing me away. I know that she got a big fright that day, as we all did, and now she is determined for us to get used to being without her. You can’t reason with her and explain that you would prefer that we actually make the most of the time that we have left together as she is just not interested. I have discussed it with her doctor and she said it is possible that my mum had a blood clot in the brain on that day which triggered everything and has done some damage which we are seeing in her change of nature.

Basically it is all very painful for me, I miss my family, I am lonely and I am desperate to be accepted and loved by them but sadly things just aren’t working out like that for me. I moved back to this city to be here for my family and now I am wondering what is keeping me here.

This is yet another thing that it was easier to get drunk than to think about as there is no changing it, it is what it is now.

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7 thoughts on “If I tip out the clutter I might find some parts of the puzzle and be able to put it together.

  1. Hey FG, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. Family is difficult for me too. There are all the fairytales about ‘bonding’ and ‘cosy’ and ‘safe’ and ‘preparing for the world out there’ but in a lot of families that is just not the case. At some point I realised that I would not like to socialise with most of my family if I were strangers I would meet at a party. Obviously…. there is more to family than only that, like shared history for one. But still, this ideal in my mind fell apart. There is a lot of energy stuck in that ideal, in everybody keeping up the appearances. Biologically the ideal of family and the keeping up appearances is probably very succesful because we can’t really have kids walking off to another family because they like them better, but it also keeps a lot of people stuck and kids silent about abuse for instance; they want their parents to be the best parents ever, other thoughts are perceived as dangerous. That can be killing of not all is well, when The Ideal falls apart. Very painfull in my case (too?). Do not underestimate the power of our need to hang on to The Ideal and also thus the power that unleashes and the immense loneliness which ‘pops up’ when starting to realise that ‘things were different’ at our place. 😦
    Hope my elaborate text and rather pessimistic view does not weigh you down but, well, the good point in discovering that all was not good is that we do not have to pretend anymore. That is freeing, and very lonely. I also found that holding on to The Ideal is in fact destructive to the individual but painful to let go off. Hmmm, sounds somehow like an addiction too. πŸ™‚ However, it is freeing to find and build your own family.
    Sending hugs,
    xx, Feeling

    1. Hey always love the feed back πŸ™‚ Over night this one had me thinking more and something occurred to me. I am sure my parents did the absolute best and what they thought was the best for the family as a whole at the time.

      1. Yes, most parents do :-). That is the wonderful part of it. It is also what keeps people at it. πŸ™‚
        And it is also the very sad part of it to me. But I’m not ‘normal’ when it comes to my feelings about family structures. 😦 I am pretty sure my mother told herself this, and possibly it was true, but her very best meant years of disliking me and preferring my brother over me and showing that for me to ‘learn from’. Her resentment also meant she put me in harms way and did not protect me from sexual predators while I explicitely asked her at age 10. I am sad and angry about that. Still. 😦 I believe they call it resentment. πŸ™‚ Maybe I should have a look at it some day. Spreading my depressing thoughts on this might not be the answer. (?) And also, strive for perfection might be the flaw of the addict within. Well, don’t know. It just hurts. 😦
        xx, Feeling

      2. Hey I have no problem what so ever with you putting your thoughts about your own situation on here, please feel free. I am not saying that I don’t harbour huge resentment and I have always known that I was always the second child. My brother was the favourite and him and my mum have an amazing connection which I will never be a part of.

      3. All the sadness does lead to me wondering how on earth I am going to get ‘rid off’ resentment. I mean; my mother died more than 10 years ago…. If not now, when will I let go? “Letting go is not hoping for a better past anymore.” Guess that holds all the fascination. As long as I resent, not let go, I somehow hope my past will get better. :-/ F!! And there it is again: the need of the addictive personality to control emotions. As long as I have ‘hope’ (very sad type of it) I do not have to feel the sadness and the pain of the reality. With not letting go I can resent, but that feeling is exactly next to, and not spot on, the actual feeling of loneliness, fear, betrayal, pain, helplessness. Resentment is the control reaction to that. 😦 F! So much to work out! 😦
        But then again: hey! Finding this out is a huge step forward. If it’s true that is. πŸ˜€
        I’m going to bed and not sulk on the internet anymore :-).
        Wishing you a good week! Thanks for letting me put my sad thoughts out here and reading them.
        xx, Feeling

  2. I’m sorry.
    Family is complicated.
    Have you connected with people where you are? You might find aa a place to feel connected, even if just for an hour.
    Remember, the allure of forgetting by drinking is just that. Fake.
    In reality alcohol brings us down and makes everything much worse.
    Hug
    Anne

    1. I have the people at work but when I separated from my ex I left that town and the friends stayed his friends. I struggle with anxiety and coping with new people. I saw of hear what you are saying but there is a period during the drinking where I do stop thinking and my mind rests for a while. I know that you don’t feel any better in the morning because the reality is nothing has changed except now you have a sluggish, shitty feeling, hung over and just flat. Thank you for your support I do love your feedback and it does help me xox

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