How is it possible to remember something that happened when you were young but you can’t for the life of you remember it all???? My parents used to go away a lot on business trips which was something I hated but they have always been very hard working and these trips were necessary. I don’t know why but one time when they were away it was just myself and my older brother left at home. I can remember some of what happened quite vividly but I cannot for the life of me remember it all.
I don’t know how it started or what was said to me but I remember my brother trying to have sex with me. As I think of it now I really can’t remember that much about it but I do know now that I question why did it happen? A part of me loathes my brother but I have had to find away to cope with this and have a normal brother sister relationship. We have never talked about it and I honestly don’t know if he remembers it and is ashamed of it. It was not until later I realized that my brother had a drug problem that would end up turning into a major problem. Whether this played a role in it all I don’t know.
Inside I am so torn because I used to idolize my brother and I loved my parents but why was neither there to protect me from this? I think if I ever told my parents, and face it I can’t fucken remember it all which sounds pretty lame anyway, they would not believe me and it would just cause a huge amount of pain for my entire family. This pain would not change anything now and it would now do more harm than good.
Just thinking as I type this that I am so very glad that I can’t remember everything, I know it happened and don’t understand why I can’t remember something that huge with more detail and there are blanks that I just can’t full in. I don’t even know what this would be classed as, I can’t remember if there was full penetration or not so does that make it rape? What happened, what was said to get me to that point? Am I just as guilty of something happening that NEVER, EVER should of??? Is that why I don’t remember, is that why this is one of the things bouncing in my head that has lead me to be an alcoholic? It is certainly one of the things that I think less of when I have drunk myself to the point of being numb.