I was a child, why did you not protect me?

How is it possible to remember something that happened when you were young but you can’t for the life of you remember it all???? My parents used to go away a lot on business trips which was something I hated but they have always been very hard working and these trips were necessary. I don’t know why but one time when they were away it was just myself and my older brother left at home. I can remember some of what happened quite vividly but I cannot for the life of me remember it all.

I don’t know how it started or what was said to me but I remember my brother trying to have sex with me. As I think of it now I really can’t remember that much about it but I do know now that I question why did it happen? A part of me loathes my brother but I have had to find away to cope with this and have a normal brother sister relationship. We have never talked about it and I honestly don’t know if he remembers it and is ashamed of it. It was not until later I realized that my brother had a drug problem that would end up turning into a major problem. Whether this played a role in it all I don’t know.

Inside I am so torn because I used to idolize my brother and I loved my parents but why was neither there to protect me from this? I think if I ever told my parents, and face it I can’t fucken remember it all which sounds pretty lame anyway, they would not believe me and it would just cause a huge amount of pain for my entire family. This pain would not change anything now and it would now do more harm than good.

Just thinking as I type this that I am so very glad that I can’t remember everything, I know it happened and don’t understand why I can’t remember something that huge with more detail and there are blanks that I just can’t full in. I don’t even know what this would be classed as, I can’t remember if there was full penetration or not so does that make it rape? What happened, what was said to get me to that point? Am I just as guilty of something happening that NEVER, EVER should of??? Is that why I don’t remember, is that why this is one of the things bouncing in my head that has lead me to be an alcoholic? It is certainly one of the things that I think less of when I have drunk myself to the point of being numb.

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3 thoughts on “I was a child, why did you not protect me?

  1. Hey FG, I am very sorry to hear this happened to you. And no, this certainly does not classify as ‘stable childhood’. šŸ˜¦ I have partial memories of abuse too. Not sure if it matters they are partial – to me what is important is the impact of what I do remember.
    During my 3,5 years sobriety I have found that un-addicting also brings back memories. Like peeling off an onion. It is not as though these where ‘not there’ before but I was never able to really FEEL what they had done to me untill I was ready to face it again. It is like having rubbish in the corner of a room behind a table, possibly behind a box under the side table. I can pass it by for a year pr longer and then, during a relaxed weekend my eye catches the side table which looks a bit dirty. I start to clean the table and by paying attention to it find that the box underneath is very dusty. So I vacuum the box and work out that the stuff in there can actually go to the second hand store. While lifting the box I find behind that some rubbish which I have always known it was there but never really saw because the rest was still in front of it. Only then it hits me that this rubbish is an old t-shirt from the job I left because I was harrased and suddenly everything comes flooding back. Because I have not been thinking of the subject for a long time it comes to me fresh and bright and ‘new’. It has always been there, but because of all the rubbish in front of it, I never really felt or saw it. If that makes any sense?
    There was obviously something in your family situation that made you decide to act as if everything was normal. But you are not that child anymore. It might be an idea to make other choices which suit your current state of being better.
    I definitely believe that experiences like these, and not to mention our way of ‘solving them’ and the way we believe others will look at them, can be a serious drive for addictive behaviour. What I find recognisable (and worrysome) is that from moment onwards you assumed/took for granted that you would not be believed and there was no safety or ‘justice’ to be found. Or you would have immediately went for your parents or another caretaker. Everything you write is worrysome obviously but particularly this part, to me, indicates an unhealthy trust relationship to begin with.
    I can answer the question ‘Why did you not protect me’ but that will only inform you of my darkest, destructive visions of this world so I won’t go there because it is not helpful. But I do hear your question. And no: it is not how it was supposed to be. They should have been there for you. šŸ˜¦ They should. That was their job, their sacred task.

    But also: we can not turn back time and ‘hanging around in thinking what should have been is logical, but not helpful. Which… does not mean to you should let people of the hook but, well, it is difficult. It might be helpful for you to not see your brother for a while. I noticed for me it makes life and memories a lot clearer. Suppression of feelings and addiction are obviously engrained in your family structure so… stepping away from that a little might clarify things in due time.

    Feeling guilty about rape or abuse is one of the standard reactions of a victim. It is my experience that abusers make sure they attack victims of which they know are vulnerable and will not speak up. It is like a lion catching a dear: they never take the strongest buck of the herd, they take the dear at the rear end of the herd which is feeling ‘off’. No matter what happened: he had NO business in your pants. Not at all and he knew that. All kids know that. Unless, he himself had been abused too, then the story might be different. That would possibly make things ‘easier’ to process but on the other hand: it is not really of your concern and specifically not now. Now is time for realising and owning the memory. And also: not stepping back in the old behaviour of ‘not wanting to know’ and ‘letting it bounce around’. ā¤

    Hope my way too long reply has something to help you forward. Sending you hugs.
    xx, Feeling

    1. Thank you so much for your input, as always I really appreciate it and thank you for taking the time to give it to me. There is so much of what you say that makes sense and some I might explain further as I keep peeling back the layers. Sadly distancing myself is not an easy option as my brother and I work together and I am one of his bosses. My parents are getting up there in years and I moved back to be near them and look at for them, when I did I had no idea that my brother would end up here as well but it is what it is. I do consider moving but don’t know where to go nor that I can afford to move.

      1. Oooh. F! That’s difficult! Not sure how to put this, or how it works exactly but please be aware that this might mean that you have to constantly keep a part of you locked in. Which could be doable but not if you are not aware what the locked up energy actually does with you. Things that have been seen can not be unseen – or they can but sometimes only at your own expense. I can not find the right words but maybe: trying to unfeel / unsee things is a big motivator in addiction. So now you conciously ask yourself to turn on that motor. Might be possible but please take care.
        Or maybe you have a whole different solution / way of dealing. And maybe I see bears on the road. Not sure. šŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling

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