I was going to post about one of the subjects I put up last night but they are all to darn hard and painful for me to get out tonight. I really do have positives in my life so I wanted to touch on one of them as well tonight.
My dogs mean absolutely everything to me, without them I would not be here. To come home to their greeting never gets old. After a day at work they are always excited to see me, actually even just going to the dairy and coming back they are excited I returned. If I have a stressed day, sad day, grumpy day they are the one’s I turn to. There is nothing better than taking them for a walk. When I walk my dogs I don’t make them hurry if I don’t need to, I love that they enjoy taking in all the smells around them. Their pausing and taking time to smell the roses (and yep disgusting things too) actually makes me stop and take time myself to just stop and breath.
When I have been suicidal it has been because of my dogs that I just can’t do it. The thought of leaving them and not knowing who they would go to and that they might not give them the life I want for them makes me stay and fight. I really am not worthy of all the unconditional love that they show me. I am ashamed to say that one time my little girl dog had an operation. Like any other night I got drunk to the point of passing out to sleep. I did not even hear my dog vomiting during the night right there in the bed with me. We actually slept in the vomit and woke up in the morning with it. I was so angry and disappointed in myself, thank goodness she was alright. It could of all turned to shit and she could of bloody died, such a fuckin fool. You would think that would of been enough to get me to stop but it didn’t.
Anyway they are my little rock stars, they break the ice for me with people because without them I wouldn’t break the ice and talk to most people. The elderly people around our streets love them and when I stop and lift them up for them to pat their faces just light up. So far I have had a few dogs in my life, my first one my ex shot and killed but that is another story. My second dog was abused before I got her and had been kicked in the head. She was tiny and because of that boot she suffered from epilepsy and was taken far to soon. My third dog was a beautiful boy with an amazing knowing soul oh how I miss them all so. I now have 2 dogs with me and they are very different in their natures and I couldn’t love them all more if I tried. I call them my heart beats because each of them cause my heart to keep on beating.