Hopefully my 7 things about myself don’t bore you all to death but I have kindly been nominated by sophie12hours in the Seven Things challenge. Thank you so much Sophie (still don’t know your real name) for providing me with this opportunity to be a bit more open on here. OH sorry just wanted to add – Please I will not be offended if I nominate you and you don’t do this. I really wanted to nominate you more as a way of saying thank you for sharing via your own blogs and thinking maybe following your journeys might help others.
- Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
- Share seven things about yourself.
- Nominate 7 other bloggers.
Seven things about me:
One – I have never disclosed my name on here. I find it better to not have my family or friends to know about my blog as it makes me feel like there is not going to be any comeback or judgement thus giving me the ability to be totally free and honest with my thoughts and feelings on here.
Two – Since the age of about 16 this time round has been the second longest time I have been sober for (yesterday I hit the 3 month mark) the first time around I lasted for over 3 years before I gave up being sober.
Three – I have a huge passion for helping animals and devote most of my time to doing just this when I am not working at my paying job that is (hey a girl has to earn a living as well).
Four – I am single and have been for over 20 years. This doesn’t actually worry me and I have probably set up a big “fuck off” wall around me due to being hurt by my one true love.
Five – I really don’t know if I am straight, bi-sexual or lesbian, I have been attracted to both sexes but I think that it will be a case of I will know which I am when I find the right person (if I ever knock down that fuck off wall that is).
Six – I live in New Zealand and I absolutely love it here. We have such a beautiful country with no snakes (except in Zoo’s) or deadly spiders which are two facts that I love.
Seven – I have a huge fear that I am going to stay alone and that in my future I am going to die a lonely old lady all on my own.
And for the final step I will nominate seven other bloggers, in no particular order, who’s blogs I have enjoyed reading and you guys might enjoy as well. And sophie12hours I would of nominated you but not sure if your ready to share another 7 lol.
I really get up each day and have no bloody idea what direction my emotions and feelings are going to go in and shit they can take me all over the place. Yesterday after noon I was struggling with wanting to drink. My mind kept telling me you deserve it, shut up mind I don’t want to drink!!! But you don’t have to work tomorrow so it won’t matter if you stay up late drinking, for fucks sake mind shut the hell up!!!! Okay shutting up but seriously is it really that bigger deal if you drink once and a while? Oh good one, how long do you think the once in a while would last before you are back drinking every night?? Yeah but we have almost lasted 3 months without drinking so you could drink and then stop again. Yeah I could ah, arrrgggghhhh SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Just saying is all, your quit buddy quit, quitting it’s not like anyone is pressuring you to stop it doesn’t really matter. Yeah but I am so close to hitting my 3 months goal and then I want to double it to 6 months if I drink tonight that stuffs it all up. I know I won’t just drink one it will be at least 6-8, I will feel like crap in the morning and not just physically but mentally I will be so disappointed in myself. Oh well you’ll be alright, you drive past liquor outlets on your way home just call in. NO!!!! Stop it!!! I will go home and walk the dogs and then see if I can be bothered getting back in the car and driving to get some booze.
Thank god I did exactly that all was okay and then I logged in and what is the first thing on my Facebook feed but this pic / video from my friend the quitter. I was so fucken angry and wanted to comment “really, really you want to rub my face in it when you know I am no longer drinking!!!!” I was so disappointed because I felt not only had she given up giving up and supporting me but she was obviously not even disappointed in herself nor gave a shit if it made me want to drink or not. I was already surprised that she expected my sympathetic support for her starting to drink again as if she needed my validation that it really was okay for her to drink when in all honesty I didn’t even want to discuss it as I am trying to keep my mind away from thinking about it. My so called BFF had stolen a part of our lives that we could share and support each other with. Eventually my mind ran through a thousand shitty thoughts and then settled on a fuck you attitude, I will show you that I am not a quitter!
This morning I discussed this with another BFF (yes it is possible to have more than one in your life) and thankfully she had the voice of reason and gave me this – “Maybe and I don’t mean this to sound glib. She was there at the beginning and helped you get started. She’s got her own reasons and journey don’t let her use up your energy and resources as this won’t help your resolve it will just be an unnecessary distraction and staying off the booze harder.” She is so bloody right, thank goodness for friends like this that help you see things when your own addict mind is so busy rolling in it’s own shitty thoughts.
After my post last night I have been thinking over night and something has occurred to me. My parents did their best, they really tried. I’m not saying that everything that happened was okay. But back in their day society basically expected you to get married, have a family, be hard working, go to church etc, etc. Thank goodness society have changed and we have so many more acceptable life styles now. I wonder what choices they would of made if they were living in todays society? I sure as hell bet that it’s not living a life like the Cunninghams in Happy Days.
I have an amazing family but at the same time it is so fucked up. I think one of the things you start to realize is that you really can build things and people up in your head to be amazing and as you get older the flaws start to show and you start to realize that hey maybe it wasn’t all a bed of roses like my mind had created. I don’t know how much of this will make sense but forgive me while I empty out a few clutter boxes from my memory bank. I am really hoping that sooner or later that parts of the clutter will in fact be pieces of puzzle and I can put them together to make some sense in my head.
As I grew up my fathers absence was quite noticeable as he was such a hard working man I think he basically came home to eat dinner and go to bed to wake up before the sparrows farted and repeat the cycle. The time that he did have off from his paid work was spent building his own business and building a home for our family. I think at one stage he had a day job and a night job. Mum basically raised my brother and I all while teaching music and helping Dad with his cleaning jobs and the admin side of starting their own business. They are both such hard working people and I really admire them for that, what hard working, honest and amazing work ethic they both have.
I love my parents but I missed them, I missed them while they worked so much. I missed them while they went away on business trips, I missed them while they were all consumed with my brother as his drug addiction really took hold. I thought that I was just too sensitive and blew it out of proportion until in the last couple of years they apologized for the fact that I had to pretty much raise myself. They admitted that they were in such a haze just focusing on him that they knew I was the strong one and would be alright but they can see now looking back that it wasn’t right.
Last year my mother had an episode while on a day trip with me and she kept repeating herself over and over. It was very concerning as she is in her 70’s now I was wondering if she was starting to lose her marbles. I should of taken her to an A&E straight away but didn’t think it was anything serious and could wait and I could discuss it with the family doctor when we got back home. One thing lead to another and I phoned her doctor and they said get her to the hospital she could be having a stroke. By the time we got to the hospital she could not remember a thing about our day. They ran numerous tests and it turns out that she had an episode of global transient amnesia. Which basically means that her mind has forgotten that day and that period will never be remembered again. She kept asking questions about the day but she never remembers the answers and just asks again. It is weird as hell. Since that day her nature has changed now she very rarely visits (she used to often) if I go for a visit she is welcoming but she never phones etc. The best way I can describe it is that she is pushing me away. I know that she got a big fright that day, as we all did, and now she is determined for us to get used to being without her. You can’t reason with her and explain that you would prefer that we actually make the most of the time that we have left together as she is just not interested. I have discussed it with her doctor and she said it is possible that my mum had a blood clot in the brain on that day which triggered everything and has done some damage which we are seeing in her change of nature.
Basically it is all very painful for me, I miss my family, I am lonely and I am desperate to be accepted and loved by them but sadly things just aren’t working out like that for me. I moved back to this city to be here for my family and now I am wondering what is keeping me here.
This is yet another thing that it was easier to get drunk than to think about as there is no changing it, it is what it is now.
For decades I have been able to drink myself numb each night and slow down the thoughts that race around in my head. I am an over thinker and my mind totally blows things out of proportion and my feelings are so sensitive it’s crazy. Tonight I am having a night when I just can’t switch it all off and there is just to many things all fighting for a chance to have their say. Last night I peeled back a layer and it hurt but at the same time it felt good if that makes sense. It has been my dirty little secret for so long and a hard one to broach and has raised so many questions, memories and feelings about it and other things from my past.
I have tried to tell myself to just let everything go as nothing is going to change and just move on focus on what is ahead of you not what is behind sort of thing. I don’t know if that is the right answer anymore because look where that has got me. Mind racing to much to be able to focus on one subject for to long tonight so will try again tomorrow.
How is it possible to remember something that happened when you were young but you can’t for the life of you remember it all???? My parents used to go away a lot on business trips which was something I hated but they have always been very hard working and these trips were necessary. I don’t know why but one time when they were away it was just myself and my older brother left at home. I can remember some of what happened quite vividly but I cannot for the life of me remember it all.
I don’t know how it started or what was said to me but I remember my brother trying to have sex with me. As I think of it now I really can’t remember that much about it but I do know now that I question why did it happen? A part of me loathes my brother but I have had to find away to cope with this and have a normal brother sister relationship. We have never talked about it and I honestly don’t know if he remembers it and is ashamed of it. It was not until later I realized that my brother had a drug problem that would end up turning into a major problem. Whether this played a role in it all I don’t know.
Inside I am so torn because I used to idolize my brother and I loved my parents but why was neither there to protect me from this? I think if I ever told my parents, and face it I can’t fucken remember it all which sounds pretty lame anyway, they would not believe me and it would just cause a huge amount of pain for my entire family. This pain would not change anything now and it would now do more harm than good.
Just thinking as I type this that I am so very glad that I can’t remember everything, I know it happened and don’t understand why I can’t remember something that huge with more detail and there are blanks that I just can’t full in. I don’t even know what this would be classed as, I can’t remember if there was full penetration or not so does that make it rape? What happened, what was said to get me to that point? Am I just as guilty of something happening that NEVER, EVER should of??? Is that why I don’t remember, is that why this is one of the things bouncing in my head that has lead me to be an alcoholic? It is certainly one of the things that I think less of when I have drunk myself to the point of being numb.
I was going to post about one of the subjects I put up last night but they are all to darn hard and painful for me to get out tonight. I really do have positives in my life so I wanted to touch on one of them as well tonight.
My dogs mean absolutely everything to me, without them I would not be here. To come home to their greeting never gets old. After a day at work they are always excited to see me, actually even just going to the dairy and coming back they are excited I returned. If I have a stressed day, sad day, grumpy day they are the one’s I turn to. There is nothing better than taking them for a walk. When I walk my dogs I don’t make them hurry if I don’t need to, I love that they enjoy taking in all the smells around them. Their pausing and taking time to smell the roses (and yep disgusting things too) actually makes me stop and take time myself to just stop and breath.
When I have been suicidal it has been because of my dogs that I just can’t do it. The thought of leaving them and not knowing who they would go to and that they might not give them the life I want for them makes me stay and fight. I really am not worthy of all the unconditional love that they show me. I am ashamed to say that one time my little girl dog had an operation. Like any other night I got drunk to the point of passing out to sleep. I did not even hear my dog vomiting during the night right there in the bed with me. We actually slept in the vomit and woke up in the morning with it. I was so angry and disappointed in myself, thank goodness she was alright. It could of all turned to shit and she could of bloody died, such a fuckin fool. You would think that would of been enough to get me to stop but it didn’t.
Anyway they are my little rock stars, they break the ice for me with people because without them I wouldn’t break the ice and talk to most people. The elderly people around our streets love them and when I stop and lift them up for them to pat their faces just light up. So far I have had a few dogs in my life, my first one my ex shot and killed but that is another story. My second dog was abused before I got her and had been kicked in the head. She was tiny and because of that boot she suffered from epilepsy and was taken far to soon. My third dog was a beautiful boy with an amazing knowing soul oh how I miss them all so. I now have 2 dogs with me and they are very different in their natures and I couldn’t love them all more if I tried. I call them my heart beats because each of them cause my heart to keep on beating.
My brain is going into overload and everything that I have been muting with drinking is bouncing around in there. My senses / emotions are all hyper sensitive and I am having to be careful that I don’t take things the wrong way nor make rushed decisions rather than deal with them and think about them. Tonight I am thinking I will just make a list of some of the things bouncing around so I can get them out of my head at least and then I will write more in depth about each one when I can.
- My friend that quit, quitting
- Family issues
- Brother issues
- Mother issues
- Straight / Lesbian / Bi-Sexual
- How to stop doing things I don’t want to do
- Self loath / Self respect / Appearance
- Financial worries
- Bucket List
- Fuck It List
- Exhausted – Mind, Body and Soul
That is enough to keep me busy for a while, I am feeling that I am running around trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think of any of the above. In order to break free I either have to write about them on here and set them free from my mind or in some cases I have to decide if I will work on them and I need to make a positive list of things that I want to achieve as well. For now I am tired so am going to sleep but at least this has given me a starting point. It might not be achievable but I am going to try to write on here each day as it seems to be helping and providing a way to sort out moving on.
Well I might as well be straight up now and say I have held off coming back on here until now because of the shame that I felt of writing posts about how great life was being sober and then after 3 years I fucked up and fell of the sober train into a year and a half of blur as I dove back into my addiction with total vigor. I was embarrassed after receiving some amazing messages of encouragement and support and even praise of having lasted being sober. The truth is I had to come back, I had to come back and start again because I need this as part of my journey. This seems to be the only place where I think I will be comfortable enough to just get things out of my head and just ramble on and let out shit I have been holding in for what feels like forever. I once told a couple of friends about my blog but they lead busy lives and I don’t think they even bothered to come and have a look. It hurt that they did not make the time but now I am almost glad because it gives me the freedom to put things up in here that I am not comfortable talking about with people in my life. There is one friend I may tell about it at some stage but I will see how I go.
Thank you so much for the likes and feedback, please feel free to leave any that you want. I don’t mind if it is advice, support or sharing something from your journey that one of my posts has prompted you to want to write about. To those that supported me last time I was here I am so sorry I do feel that I let you down when you really were giving me great encouragement. I don’t mean to be fat headed and think that it matters that much to you because really I am just one very small drop in a rather large ocean. Welcome to any new comers, I am an alcoholic and you are welcome to my journey.
Today sucked big time and has left me ready to cry and just feeling broken and alone. I found out this afternoon that a person from my past has taken her life. I really feel that I let this person down and now I have to live with this.
My friend that gave up on giving up with me has been talking to me about her drinking again not with a sense of guilt for breaking our pact but from the lines of it didn’t taste that good so she thought the wine was off and brought another bottle. That didn’t taste as good as she remembers it either but that has made her happy because she thinks that with the knowledge of her not enjoying it as much as she remembers she will be able to have control over her drinking and just drink when she wants and stop when she wants. That is the talk of an alcoholic if nothing else, what a load of bullocks.
I have friends but I feel so lonely right now, if you are suppose to attract what you put out I don’t understand. I could of caved today and just gone out and brought a box of cider and got myself totally shit faced to numb everything right now. I am sad about losing the person, I am feeling guilt for not being there enough, I am angry with my friend for pulling out of the no drinking deal and yet having no sense of guilt or shame for doing so and leaving me feeling like this. I am pissed that I am being her sounding board about her experience starting again when we should be each others sounding board for not fucken drinking.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity, FUCK!!!!! I don’t know how to explain or deal with all these emotions right now. I am so fucken tired and emotionally spent. I am trying so hard to crawl my way back by being a compassionate caring person for all my friends because I think the way to healing is to give out what you want back but it’s not working. Hoping tomorrow is okay and tonight is now month 2 week 3 sober, I should be happy about that.