This is going to be boring for you all but I have to put this down – Today was rubbish day and I did not have to put out my recycle bin!!!! Seriously every Friday morning before work has been my cringing morning of shame. As the recycle truck comes up our road grabbing each bin on the way you could hear a bit of banging and a bit of clinking as peoples bin’s got emptied into the sorting pit on the truck. MY bin however was enough to wake up the whole neighborhood with the crashing sound of a full bin of empty bottles. It felt like it was yelling at the neighbors alcoholic here at number ## and that they were all going tisk tisk and shaking their heads (the reality is they probably couldn’t of given a shit). I used to wrap every bottle in newspaper and put it in the rubbish bag so that it just got heaved into the rubbish truck and save the embarrassment of the recycle truck. I have not done that for years because my greenie side just couldn’t let my habit not recycle. Anyway today I didn’t even have to put out the recycle bin as there was on 5 items in it and not a single cider bottle. It’s the small things that are really big things to ourselves. If your on this journey with me or you stumble across this while wanting to start a sober journey or you are a few days in, hang in there, you can do it. It is not easy it is fucken hard but so is being a quitter and feeling the disappointment in yourself all over again.
Well I have done it I survived my weekend staying sober again. On Friday afternoon there were so many thoughts going through my head on why I deserved to “treat” myself to a drink for all my hard work during the week. But I told myself I am not fucken starting back at day zero again, and yep in my head just like that but with a lot of self doubting force behind it.
Saturday morning arrives and I immediately have stress with a volunteer FB page I run with some team members deciding that they don’t like each other or someone is annoying someone else and they don’t want to work with each other. I got so angry with them but because they are volunteers you can’t go off at them because if you do they will just leave. I wanted to scream build a bridge otherwise we are going to drown in the work load!!! Thankfully I managed my way through it and still have a bit of sorting to do but have the majority of them back on track. AND I was very grateful that I was not hung over trying to mentally deal with them all. Next came a visit from my parents to inform me that a dear friend is going into hospice on Monday because her cancer is winning its battle and although she is saying it is only for the week they very much doubt that she will be back out or in there long. Anger from the morning turned to pain, guilt and grief. I should explain the guilt, I found myself hoping that she dies quickly and felt so bad even having the thought. She is a wonderful lady that is a healer (I reckon she absorbed everyones shit and made her own body sick), she was full of energy and life, she was strong, so strong. Now she is so weak, a skelton, a bald skeleton who struggles to put more than 5 words together let alone having them make sense some times. She can no longer get out of bed to wash herself and the pain I feel is selfish but overwhelming. She would hate being like this the strong part of her is still trying to fight but the cancer is in her lungs and her brain and they are growing so fast that it is taking over.
Basically to sum it up I had so many reasons I could of gone back to drinking this weekend but I didn’t. One thing I have done a lot of is sleeping, oh my gosh I don’t remember being this tired the last time. I have slept in each morning until 8am when before I was always up at 6am. At work on Friday I just about fell asleep at my desk I don’t know if that is from stopping drinking or what. Anyways back to the real reason I didn’t drink, I CAN REMEMBER HOW GOOD IT FELT TO BE CLEAN AND SOBER AND NO HANG OVERS ON CLOUDY BRAIN. I am trying to not mute what I am feeling about everything going on and that part I miss but I feel this time around I need a clear head.
One of my earlier posts gave an insight to just how crazy the mind can go when you are not allowing it to have something it is screaming out for. It is the best thing for it but the brain is so powerful and can make up so many convincing arguments about why it would be okay to just give in and keep drinking. I am at that stage now and I am trying to fight back the thoughts and see them for what they really are the addict part of my brain trying its hardest to have it’s way. I will try to put some of these down later but have to get to work for now. I will say a couple of things I wish that our supermarkets and dairy’s did not sell alcohol. I needed food last night and had no choice but to go to the supermarket and even my mouth started to flow with saliva just walking past and looking up the alcohol aisle. I am also hoping that next rubbish day I don’t have the loudest crashing bottle sound as the collectors empty my bin into their truck and having the whole neighborhood hearing it as it got tipped in. Sorry told you my thoughts are all over the place.
I came on last night and my thoughts were so scrambled that I just couldn’t figure out what the hell to write about.
But this morning I am sitting here thinking ONE, day 1 such a little number but so very important.