I have not been on here much for a very long time and a huge reason for that was that I am so ashamed I climbed back on to the crazy train and have been riding it again for a few months. Two years sober and one day I just thought fuck it I want that numb feeling back I could not turn off all the thoughts in my head and I really, really wanted to rest from them. Now I can numb myself but the thoughts just keep coming back. I am slowly putting the weight back on that I was so proud of losing which just isn’t happening. I am trying so hard to find the energy to start fighting again. I totally understand if any of you stop following me but I am going to try to come on here and write more often because I used to find this a really good way to get the thoughts out of my head and really want to try again.
Today I had one of those moments where I thought holy shit it is so true BUT I don’t know how to stop myself expecting it. You really can’t change the way one thinks about you and that includes your parents. I love my family but my mother loves me but not to the degree I would like to receive from her. I think sadly I am to much of a reminder of my father, am to fat and not on the same intellectual level as her. She has a much stronger bond with my brother and years ago he really fucked himself up with drugs. They still have an incredible connection which I will never be a part of but she knows that he is not like he used to be. I feel like the disappointment in the family and yet I know she wouldn’t want me to feel like this. I don’t believe that no matter how hard she tries she can’t have the same feelings towards me as she can my brother. Just had to get this out of my head for now, the feelings go much further than this with a history behind it but my biggest problem now is that I know someone can’t love you as much as you want them to just because you do. But how do you accept that and move on?