Monthly Archives: October 2016

Religious Beliefs

I am struggling to know what to type here but the pain I feel is real and raw. It was all over the news the death of 3 people in an unfortunate road accident. Three people killed in a road accident as they returned from a day at the beach, their ute missed a bend and crashed into a tree killing some on impact. There was a mother and her daughter, son and their friend. The newspapers listed the dead and what they thought had happened in the accident. What they also put is that these people where also all members of a certain church. This church and this family are a part of my history, well not mine as much as it was the family member that broke away from this church. You see if you leave this church that is it to them and any family you have in there (and there is a lot of links) you are dead. The poor people that leave have had their children and spouses blocked from ever knowing them. If I go on about that it will take away from what I need to get out of my own head.

The papers put up photos of 3 of the people from the crash and as soon as I saw the mother I had a spine chilling feeling I could tell straight away that she was family and that we where from the same blood lines. Her teenage children that died in the crash would also be my family. I looked into those eyes and it was my eyes staring back at me, I even photo shopped the two of us side by side and there was absolutely no doubt.  The papers said that she was a lovely person, with a kind heart always helping others. Why was I for the sake of religion cheated of the possibility of ever getting to know my own blood? What sort of religion divides a family because one does not share the same beliefs? I have no idea if we would of shared the same sense of humor or if we could of comforted each other in times when we just needed a friend. The papers have since released that her husband was the driver of the vehicle at the time and he fled from the scene. I should hold anger to him as well but I don’t, what sort of panic he must of felt. Apparently there was alcohol involved and his reactions under the influence are what were the cause of the accident. This church has been well known for the male members drinking and drinking heavily. Was it a cowardly thing to do? who knows we weren’t there. Would he of been upset and scared? Oh without a doubt. Is he frightened and scared now? Once again without a doubt, he has been charged for the manslaughter of his wife, daughter, son and their friend. How does one ever more on from that? In the photo of him in the paper he just looked like the guy next door, just an ordinary guy. OMG he is going to get a hard time in prison, I have never known anyone from that religion to end up in there. If God is passing on any messages please let him know that my thoughts are with him and I feel so bad for him.

Back to myself as this is my blog and I am allowed to be selfish, I am writing this as part of my story not as an excuse for why I have started drinking again but to get it out of my head and hopefully when I share more of what is in there I can clear it and move on. My point of this post is that I am so fucken angry that a religion could steal from me the chance to get to know some of my family. I am sorry that I couldn’t even grieve their passing properly, you know that religion deal with their dead in their own way so I don’t even know what happened to them. I am angry that the very poison that I go back to so I can clear my brain and rest from everything in there is to blame for taking them away from me. Angry, angry, angry.

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Spiraling Out Of Control

Okay I don’t even know where to start with you all. I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control and as much as I want to pull on the handbreak another part of me is taking this journey and really is fucked. I just know that this is my escape and I don’t know how else to do it.  I am seriously hoping that by coming back here and forcing myself to post on here often it will help get the thoughts in my head out and stop holding them inside. I am shit at sharing and sit back in my sad arse little world and sulk and wonder why my friends don’t notice or ask me how it’s going. And yet I am the one that blocks and hides from them pretending everything is okay. Please tolerate my rants on here and honestly follow me or unfollow me the choice is yours. The difference is this time I will be inviting a friend to this blog and I hope that by doing this at least one person gets to meet the real me.01hfilm-master768-v2