Walking the dogs today I thought it has been ages since I have posted and I miss it. I am now a year and a half sober and I have no desire to go back down that path again EVER!!! Giving up was hard it was like my mind went into over drive with thinking about drinking, thinking up reasons to stop being sober and just start drinking, envious of other people and their drinking, wanting to escape with drinking the list could go on.
To all of you that are on a sober journey whether it be hour, day, week, month or year ONE let me over you a big congratulations along with a hug. Close your eyes and imagine I am sitting there beside you, not saying anything just sitting there. Someone that understands what you are doing and what you are going through. I am proud of you as I know to start this journey there really does have to be an underlining problem there with alcohol or drugs and yourself.
I kidded myself into thinking that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I was still a fully functioning alcoholic. I did not get up in the morning and reach for a bottle, I didn’t have a couple of swigs at lunchtime to keep me topped up for the day (I should say here I am in no way judging anyone that does these things) I held down a good full time job. But come home time it was a race home, race through the door open that first bottle and slurp it back. Walk the dogs, get their dinner (while chucking another one back) get my dinner (see functioning I still ate healthy) chuck another one back, clean up (functioning) and then sit down to reward myself with a drink to help me unwind and relax while forgetting about the stress and problems of the day. Six to eight bottles later and waking up on the couch with something playing that I really couldn’t figure out what the hell had happened only to realize that it was a few hours later and I had been out for a while. Still kidding myself that I was the one in control here people.
It is only now that I look back on these and I cringe. I am an alcoholic and for myself it is not possible to have one drink one night, then one the next night etc as a treat because then it creeps to two and before I know if back to 6-8 each night or 10 on occasions. I am an alcoholic with a faulty off switch.
I also suffer from depression and have an amazing ability to over think things and build up shit in my head and make a mountain out of a mole hill. These habits I thought I was dealing with by switching my mind off with drinking. Guess what??? Once again total bullocks and the reasoning of an alcoholic, faulty off switch and depression suffer. Guess what a year and 1/2 later and I still suffer from depression but it is easier when it comes to the over thinking. I am not numbing my brain and seem to be able to deal with depression and over thinking with a much clearer train of thought. I have learnt on this journey that these are quite common traits in alcoholics. I no longer feel bad about it or beat myself up about it I just accept that it is a part of who I am. But I do not have to continue being drinking and fuel my alcoholic body with the poison it cunningly manipulates my mind into thinking I am doing myself a favor or rewarding myself by doing. I have strengthened my mind that now recognizes that it is the addict part of me talking and I am now able to tell it thanks but no thanks.
Not everything is perfect in my world, I am not perfect either but I am improving what I have control over and learning to stop blaming myself for the parts I don’t. Much love to everyone out there and seriously if I can help any of you on your journeys by following and supporting you on your blogs (including any bad days) let me know.