Monthly Archives: January 2015

Day 200 passed and I missed it!!!

Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling¬† and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.

I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem

There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.

I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”

Living a sober life can make others feel uncomfortable.

Okay I made it threw New Years sober people, I am so proud. It was a very stressful time at work and the desire burned hard in strong to just go fuckit and start drinking again just to bring on the numb feeling that I loved so much. I can’t believe that after 6 months I still swing from “I really want a drink” to “I am never going to drink again” it is a vicious roller coaster which I have to stay on guard for all of the time.

There is something that I have noticed that now makes me feel uncomfortable and that is how my friends are to me now. It is like they are uncomfortable being around me as I make them feel uncomfortable with their own drinking habits. I am not sure if they have stopped asking me to meet up with them because of this or if it is because I have become a recluse and just don’t want to be around them while they are drinking alcohol at the moment. People start talking about the night before and then it is like they get uncomfortable talking about it with me there. I have tried telling them it’s okay them talking about the night’s before don’t affect me. This is not totally true it is more likely to make me stay away from it.

There are so many things that I enjoy about not drinking but the little sucker still rides on my shoulder. I am a bit worried at the moment as my brother is moving in with me soon. His wife has decided that she doesn’t want to be married after 20 years and he doesn’t have anywhere else to go as he is leaving her with the house and everything in it for now so it doesn’t affect their kids to much. Anyway he is coming and his emotions are all over the place. I am going to find it stressful to have an extra person in the house (along with his dog) and the fact that he smokes and drinks is not going to be helpful to me. But family is family and you do not turn your back on them in their time of need. Also I do not have the heart to ask him not to smoke and drink here as I want him to be comfortable and to be able to relax and take his time to sort out where he is going to go from here.