Monthly Archives: September 2014

Giving is much better than receiving!

Yesterday I made myself feel so good just by doing a really simple act of kindness to my friend. This friend was not in a position to purchase her own computer and when I would send her PM messages via Facebook I would notice that she would always come back with a reply via her phone. When I asked her if she had a computer of her own she came back with she is trying to save for one but good things take time. Now this lady is a mother of 4 with a husband, she works at 2 jobs to make ends meet for the family and so they can try to get ahead. I know that she always puts everybody else before her and the thought of her saving up and keeping some aside for herself would be a big ask. Anyway I had a laptop stored in my cupboard after acquiring a better one when my business closed.  So I offered her this and at first she declined and gave me many excuses of why she could not accept such an offer. It took a bit get through the no to finally get to a “well if you’re not using it then it would be very gratefully received”.

Last night she came around and collected the laptop. Just the look of gratitude on her face and the hug of thanks made me feel amazing. I so wish I had asked her earlier but knew that she would resist taking anything from me. Just this simple gesture made me so happy to be able to do something for such an amazing person.

I guess the lesson that I have learnt is don’t waste time hesitating to ask if you can do something simple to help a friend. This simply gesture could make the world of difference to them and I promise you it gives yourself a blast of feel good emotions.

P.S. Six sleeps until I hit day 100 on my new life of sobriety!!!!

The Power of A Good Friend

Well I had my chat with my friend and now realise just why she is my best friend / sister. I was stupid to think that she would ever just turn her back on me in the first place. She knew that something was wrong and when I explained it all to her I felt so much better. I stumbled a bit trying to explain things to her but got there in the end. Just the fact that I have been open with her and no longer pushing her away because I am ashamed of the thoughts in my head has made it so much better. I don’t have to hide things from her because she is so supportive and it was a great relief. She is an amazing friend and is the sort that can just sense when things aren’t right with me.  One of the reasons why I didn’t share with her is that I felt like I was being a drama queen and so full of self pity that I had no right to burden someone else with all my shit. She explained that everyone has the right to their feelings. She was so glad that I came and talked to her about it all but was saddened to think that I was thinking like I have been.

Another great thing that has made me feel better is talking to my boss (who has become more of a friend and is transfering so I thought it was okay to talk to him) and explaining how it felt like I was stuffing up lately and not getting through my work and it was upsetting to me. He came back with “man you set the bar so high for your work standard and I am so hard on myself. He also asked did I realize that I was doing the work load of what other stores have 2-3 people covering? He said that I was amazing and that it wouldn’t take us long to catch it all up if we worked together”. This made me feel so much better as I hadn’t realized this and I was so greatful that we have worked together and by the end of the week we will be right back up to date.

I guess as a round up to this all, never underestimate your friends, if they are true friends they will understand.

85 Days Sober

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!

Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.

I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.

I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.

I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.

Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.

Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

Missing the Pleasant Numb Feeling

I’ve gotta be honest I do miss the numb buzz I used to get while I was drinking. I miss the way it could make me chill and forget about all the crazy shit my mind comes up with. So you understand I will explain a bit further some of the crazy thoughts I put myself through.

I have thought about it long and hard, since I have time now that I am not drinking, I have the lowest of low self esteem. I really care about other people and their feelings and always take time to listen to people and hear what they really are saying. But when it comes to myself I have this feeling of I couldn’t give a shit. While I was in a major low of my depression I understand how people could end it all when they get that low. Now in my mind I wipe that idea out real fast but not for myself. I worry about what would happen to my dogs without me. I could not do it because then I would leave behind a truck load of hurt and anger for my family and few friends. I would possibly leave them having to cope with the guilt that they didn’t notice that I was near that point which would be silly because I could of asked them for help and they would of been there for me in a heartbeat. But I wouldn’t ask them for help because I always think that other people have got enough going on in their own world that I should not load them with my bullshit as well. I would worry about the toll it would take on my parents because you never expect to our live your children and things would never be the same for them again. I would worry about my brother and the fact that I wouldn’t be around to keep an eye out for him. My brother got involved in drugs in his teenage years and it has done so much damage to him that he thinks he functions like a normal person but in some things he needs some one to keep an eye out for him. I don’t have many friends as I am socially awkward but the couple that I do have are 2 of the most amazing ladies but I could never hurt them by leaving them in this way. They would forever be asking themselves why didn’t I come and ask for help then probably followed by anger that I could do such a thing. I used to think that taking your own life was the biggest form of being a coward that there is. I don’t think that anymore and I understand how some people can do it. I have family and as I said a couple of friends but while I am going through this I feel so lonely.

Sorry went of on a bit of a roll there trying to get things out of my head but I think you get the general feeling that I would not ever take my life but the reason why is not for myself but for my pets, family and friends. I have to figure out how to get some self esteem. Part of trying to build up some is by going to the gym. My best friend has been working there as a personal trainer and she has helped me so much and worked out a couple of awesome programmes for me. She does this on weekends as well as working during the week at another job. I knew that she intended to give up the gym as she needs to spend time with her family and have down time for herself. But today when I found out that she had given a months notice I didn’t show it but I was so upset. I need someone like her around in my life at the moment, I enjoy the gym but having her there on weekends makes it such a boost to my mood and confidence and I am going to struggle to keep going without her there. She is very busy and has family, work and church commitments so I don’t know how and nor do I feel that I can ask her to still give me a little bit of her time. I am struggling to fight this depression and don’t know how to ask a friend for help. Also is it really a friends problem I ask myself should I be seeking out a counselor even thought the thought of talking to someone about myself makes me absolutely cringe inside.

I will not do anything stupid but man am I stuck in a rut. On a positive note today at the gym my friend got me doing box squats and got me up to 30kg weights, pull ups, press ups, leg ups etc all stuff that I didn’t really think my body was ready for and guess what I freakin did it. At the end of the session she praised me up about how good I was and very strict on myself with my form and would be a personal trainers dream. Now I don’t know if she says this to everyone to boost them up but it felt good that she took the time to say it.

Am I being a needy friend and to much and how do I tell her that I would like to hang with her a little bit some time??

Once again I’m sorry this is all over the place.

Going Through a Major Depressed Spell

Man just when you start to think that you have everything under control this bitch of a thing called depression side swipes me. I am normally a happy person but at the moment I just can’t shake this depression I am in. I think my self esteem just up and left me and what it has left behind is not nice. It would be so easy right now to just go and buy a box of my favourite Cider and drink until the numbness sets in.  I won’t let myself though I have come to far to stop trying now but it would be so easy.