Okay I am up to day two at the gym, I had to have a two day break because I lost control of my legs basically hahaha, they call it DOMS – Delayed onset muscle soreness well saying soreness is using something much lighter than what I would call it. My upper thighs where so sore they didn’t even want to function like a normal persons would. I have no idea how people didn’t pick up at work that slow pace I was walking let alone the internal screaming as I had to walk up and down stairs. I think someone up above was laughing at me as I would take my dogs for a walk when I got home from work. Normally the little one always poo’s but this time both of them decided to make a deposit that I had to attempt to bend down and pick up. Now this is not an easy task when you are trying to look normal but you are having trouble controlling movement and trying to look smooth and natural. First you try bending over and reaching down but bigger dog decides he doesn’t want to wait so you quickly go up again and try to gracefully go down in a squat. This doesn’t happen I go down without any real muscle control to hold my weight and then have to come back up again. Internal screaming and cursing (internally also, not their fault) at my dogs for not being able to hold their poop until we got home and I could brace myself on something to lower myself down and then press on to come back up.
Going to the toilet as well has been a mission, try it yourself sometime without using your thigh muscles it’s hard work. I think on days like these there should be toileties that the pan is higher, I have no idea how old people with bad hips get on their throne seriously.
Putting all of this aside is it sick that I actually enjoy the feeling?????? I am looking at it this way – I must still have muscle there if its that sore. The workout obviously tuned into the area that needed it the most. I am alive I am feeling pain but it is good pain that has been earnt while trying to turn my life around. It has not put me off as today I went back into that gym and did another couple of rounds of my work out, I just adapted it from a one leg press to using both for fear of the whole thing collapsing on me as I couldn’t take the weight hahaha BUT I DID IT. I got my arse out of bed at 5.30am, drove to the gym that opened at 6am and two sets of each workout until I had to go home and quickly shower, feed the dogs, feed myself and get out the door to work. I did not hear the alarm and roll over thinking shut up in fact I woke up before it. I am enjoying this new me but I part of me felt like felt like an imposter and uncomfortable being at the gym with other people as none are fat like me but I did it and if I can keep doing it I might end up not feeling like an imposter, fingers crossed.
Still sober and enjoying life so much more, I still want a drink but mentally I am enjoying myself so much better without it. Stay strong my sober friends, WE ARE DOING THIS TOGETHER.
Now please don’t get upset with my for the heading because I myself come under that title. Oh and I have the proof to back it up I put on my big girl undies on the weekend and got off my big fat arse and joined a gym. The reason for the title is have you guys ever seen the Bruce Willis movie “Sixth Sense” where the little boy keeps seeing dead people? While think of how it says that in a quiet whisper of “I see dead people” and that is how I feel. And it is haunting me as I go out and do things like grocery shopping I just kept running into fat people and it just made me sad. It also made me think I don’t want to be like this anymore. After 20 years of hard drinking I have decided that I want to try to get this weight off my body. I want to feel healthy, I want to fit all the items I have in the draws and wardrobe at home that I purchased feeling to fat to try them on in the shop. Once home I would try them on and then just about sob as I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked like that fucken Michellin Man or just that sinking feeling once you slip it on and you feel it grip you know every bulge is on public display.
Anyway since making this decision everywhere I go I notice fat people and I am not seeing any of them as fat and jolly at all. They just look sad, depressed and ashamed – just like me. I have passed the 60 days sober mark and I am hoping that I am not setting up another challenge to soon. My reasoning is how long do I want to wait and for how long am I prepared to use coping with one thing at a time as an excuse? I want it now damn it and I am prepared to work my arse off. Now my trainer (who is a very dear friend) did all the measurements and pinching with the body fat claws and came up with the result that I am currently sitting at around 45% body fat (told you I have the proof). I figure that is like an extra person free loading on me. This freeloader is making me very tired and has got to go!!!
So off we trot to the gym and you know what I really enjoyed the work out. I also enjoyed hanging with a friend and enjoying each others company. It has lifted my sprit and left me with a sense of achievement. I have taken the first step people, I have lift off from the couch. I have gone from a person that just over a couple of months ago was worried that I was actually going to die from the way I, yes I no one else ME, was treating my body. I am on heart pressure medication and I am on double what my Dad is on. Dad is twice my age has had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass but he is half the medication I am on. SHAME ON ME. But I am working towards changing this and feel good about my decision.
Okay quick post just to get something off my chest how the hell do you cut the moaning, whinging, complaining people out of your life!!!!! Especially when you work with them and are an Assistant to the Manager. Seriously some staff come to me moaning and bitching all the time and it is really dragging me down. Just before after a couple of rounds of this whinging I found myself sitting here all tense thinking “Oh my God I would love a drink right now”. Arrggghhhhh not how I want to be feeling.
Okay I have to share the final post on my recycle bin which lasted me eight whole weeks before I had to put it out people. There was not an alcohol bottle insight, or in it. To go from a bin that was over flowing with cider bottles that was heavy to carry out to what you see here which was light as hell to carryout just highlighted to me how far I have come. Normally all you can hear echoing from the recycle truck is the sound of crashing glass as it is tipped into the truck. While this is happening and if I was at home I would internally be cringing as I thought how loud that was and that the neighborhood would be chuckling thinking yep that house is our streets pisshead. It never really occurred to me that they probably couldn’t give a shit and it was my own shame making a big deal out of the amount of empty bottles I put out each week. Sorry guys this is probably getting very boring to read now and you have probably switch off and stopped reading anyway but I wanted to add it here. This bin is important to me on my journey and I wanted to record this moment.
Yay I figured out how to add the post from Facebook for you all.
Well here we are I an getting ready to head to bed at the end of my 50th day without a drink. For some reason I feel flat tonight. There is so much that drifts in and out of my head that I think “wow that is important I must share it on my blog” but I haven’t. Sometimes I think that what I think is just not normal and some things are just darn painful and other things I think no one is gonna want to read that shit. Well just in typing this I have remembered some things that I was going to share so here they are sorry if they bore you but I have to get them out of my head.
Something was posted on Facebook this week about never letting your pets die alone, stick with them till the end etc (if I ever figure out how to share pictures I will put it on here) anyway I shared with others that I have been with everyone of my pets till the end and have let them pass over knowing that they are loved and thanked them for sharing their time on earth with me except for one. Missy was my first dog, she was a beautiful Black Labrador with an amazing happy nature. Anyway I was not with her when she died because my ex shot her. That’s right the man that I loved for 15 years shot her. I left him after finding out that he was screwing around on me and had actually managed to get another girl pregnant. He wanted me back but I refused as this was not the first time he had cheated on me, one can only bang their head against a wall for so long. I was a fool and we had a few get together’s that should never of happened and when I saw the light I told him it was over. My dog was the daughter of his dog and as they had been together for all of their lives I had to make the hard decision to leave her with her mother and him. Anyway long story short he did the one thing that he knew would hurt me the most for rejecting him and that was shooting and killing my dog. I had no idea that he could kill her as in all the time we where together he was great with the animals. Our relationship had slowly broken down as he got heavier and heavier into drinking and smoking pot and looking back now I can see that he was not the same man that I fell in love with. This is one very sad thing from my past that has come back to haunt me this week.
Is it possible for a person to have too much empathy for others? I am starting to get majorly depressed about what is happening in Ukraine. The other morning I was watching the news before going to work and there was a clip that showed small children and a few adults in a school. They where sitting there crying and some of the littlest ones where calling for their Mum’s who there is a really good chance they will never see again. Their pain was real and raw the sadness in those faces was terrible, their grief unimaginable. Then a bomb went of right outside the building their faces in an instance changed from grief to total terror. They all jumped up and scattered in all directions, stopped and looked around and realized they did not know where to run and that they had been running away from each other. The clip stopped there but the images on their faces has stayed with me. I left for work thinking I had just witnessed the next generation of fighters because all they have known is sadness and fear why wouldn’t you fight back out of anger for something like this.
At work I am one of the Managers and we have some staff that are going through very tough patches in their lives. I have to listen to their problems as they explain why they are unable to do their jobs and I sit there almost crying with some of the painful things they are going through. Now I don’t want to dwell on this bit for to long because it is not my story to tell.
My point is that I feel their pain, I seem to take on board other people’s pain and stress and without alcohol I am having trouble shaking it away. Why do I take on board other people’s pain and emotions? This week I have had thoughts about taking up drinking again because when I am drinking I forget about all of the sad shit. The next day it takes me a while to recover fully and I don’t take on the burden then either because I am to busy getting through my work load. Now that my mind is clearer I am finding that sometimes it is not always best. I do not think about drinking as much so this is a good thing. I still haven’t emptied my recycle bin (I think I will take a photo of it before I put it out at the road side hahaha). I have so many good and positive things in my life but how do I stop feeling so much?
I have now finished the book “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know by Georgia W.” and I thought I would share the part that hit home the most for me.
“Someone once said to me that having resentment was liking drinking a bottle of poison and expecting someone else to die from it. That stuck with me because it summed up the futility of harboring resentment and just how dangerous it can be. Basically, resentment is a feeling of anger or bitterness, usually directed toward another person or persons, living or dead. It’s not that uncommon, though, to harbor resentment toward other entities, such as employers, organizations, government, police, and religious institutions – pretty much anything! As humans, we all have resentments; the reason I mentioning them here has to do with the way normal people deal with them versus the way alcoholics and addicts deal with them.
If someone offends a normal person, that person might address the issue right away, or just let it go without giving it a second thought (a concept completely foreign to alcoholics and addicts). For the addicted mind, however, the offense becomes a preoccupation no matter how large or small it is. As if that weren’t unhealthy enough, these preoccupations can easily lead to drinking or using.”
Boy did this hit home to me, I can dwell on something somebody did or said for days, months even, some grudges I have held on to for years!!!!! I have often thought what the hell is wrong with me, why carry around this load and yep I often turned to the bottle to get over whatever arsehole X had done to me that day. Looking back now I find myself wondering if my alcoholic mind blew things way out of portion just to provide me with a reason to need that calming drink to help me process my anger and resentment to how I had been treated. This is something that I am going to have to work on but I have found it happening less often now that I am not drinking.
Oh P.S. I hope it’s okay with Georgia W. that I shared that piece from her book, she says in it that she is hoping to help others with addiction so I hope she views this as me sharing the words in hope it helps some of you as well. Go and check out her book people it’s a good one with language that doesn’t leave you using Uncle Google to figure out what some of it means.